Dukes of Dunkage! Trailer

We open on a close up of a golden basketball, maniacal laughter is clearly heard blasting out of the speakers making your skin vibrate. Zoom out to reveal Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) flying up into the air with the Robotic Harlem Globetrotters, flames protruding from his Golden ‘Nike air foshizlax’ trainers.

Clive Hoops (Chuck Norris) turns to camera and asks: “Can you fly a plane!?”
smiling with a look of dumb confidence Rodney (Dennis Rodman) replies: “…Like a Bird”
Clive Hoops: “What? that doesn’t make sense…birds can’t fly planes.”
Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins): “He’s get-ing a-way!”

“This September…” crunches into your ears making your pancreas swell.

Clive Hoops states (Chuck Norris): “Ain’t nobody gonna take my dreams or my golden balls away from me Sucka – Let it Rain!!” before turning to take a three pointer shot from half way down the basketball court. Close up of the ball dropping through the net on fire. Clive Hoops turns to camera, smiles to reveal a gold platted tooth with a diamond encrusted basketball on it and states “…white chocolate.” Rodney (Dennis Rodman) exclaims “holy shit craker that was-”

KABOOOM!!!!!!!! The basketball court explodes tearing a hole in the side of a mountain in the swiss alps causing macedonia, mesapotamia and argentina to prolaps convulse and then invertilate TWICE!

“Prepare to be dunked on…”

Cut to Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) with one arm outstretched holding a golden basketball with diamonds spelling out the words ‘slam dunk da funk’ on it “You and the Dunkettes are about to loose your panties for the last time Clive!”
Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins) retorts “Do not come up in my face and be like ‘I am all that’ be-cause I am here to reprezent yo.”
backed up by Rodney (Dennis Rodman) “words bitch! f’sho nuthin but air there – WOO!”
at which point the Robotic Harlem Globe trotters grow an extra twelve inches as their red eyes burn brighter than ever before and start shooting lazers into the crowd surrounding the basketball court.

“Join Dennis Rodman and Chuck Norris in a stellar cast”

Cut to a muscular afro wearing robot slam dunking and sending plastic glass from a shattered backboard raining down on Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins) who is crying. Cut to Clive hoops (Chuck Norris) standing on Rodney’s (Dennis Rodman) shoulders and missing a shot as Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) sweeps Rodneys legs from under him causing Clive to land badly on Rodneys head, which slams into the floor making his teeth launch out his mouth followed by a shower of blood and a high pitched scream. Cut to Clive holding a bazooka with a basketball instead of a rocket, smoking a cigar. cut to Sir Dunks a lot crying. Back to Clive firing the bazooka at a small child who’s head explodes. Cut to Rodney being shoulder barged by a robotic harlem globe trotter impaling him on his spikey shoulder he stands and dribbles off with Rodney still stuck on his shoulder who is letting out another high pitched wail. Doctor Dunk and Clive Hoops Jump up into the air together to catch a rebound crushing Rodney between them who is already badly beaten, Clive treads on Sir Dunks a lots face as he looks up in awe.

The words “DUKES OF DUNKAGE!” Incinerate the screen burning the words into your retinas as your kidneys explode and your nose melts in, you shit all over the person next to you and their face melts as a fully grown guinea pig teleports right into the middle of your hemoglorax and also shits everywhere too. SHIT!

Fade to a diamond encrusted afro hurtling through space to the sound of Sir Dunks A lot (Steven Hawkins) Crying. FADE TO QUADRALANGULAR MAGENTA!

Olympic Death Train (Trailer)

Fade up from black to show a snowy mountain in the cold light of dawn. A lonely train track winds through the white snow.
Voiceover:
“When they decided to hold the Olympics in a remote mountain in Northern Canada, they didn’t realise they were about to get more than they bargained for.”
Quick close up of the trains wheels spinning really fast and then a close up of the train’s chimney with a loud “CHOO CHOO” sound, then back to a quiet long shot of the train winding through the mountains.
Voicever:
“They didn’t count on the fact that some people hate freedom, and hate the people that live free.”
Cut to inside the train. Various Olympic athletes sit playing cards, eating soup, or headbutting each other quite hard. The scenery flies past outside the window. Somebody farts really loud and then gets sucked out of an open window.
Some athletes wearing Russian tracksuits are glaring at other athletes wearing american flag tracksuits.
“As the temperature plummets, tension rises in the cabin.”
Cut to a shot of a russian athlete and an american one arguing. the camera zooms in on the russian athlete with a KCHUNG sound. freezeframe and the text:
“STARRING DAVID HASSLEHOFF AS SERGY KALASHNIKOV” smashes onto the screen
unfreeze frame and then: sergy: “You stupid americans! Always having the bigshot and playing your cheat at the cards!”
camera zooms out then back in on the american athlete. freezeframe with the sound of a pigeon being shot and the words:
“STARRING MICHAEL J FOX AS CHIP BRADLEY” slam into the screen four times HARD.
chip bradley: “Screw you ya commie bastard. Fair’s fair and if you can’t take that then you don’t deserve to even breathe the same air as an American!”
Cut to a shot of the two groups staring at each other and stamping their feet on the cabin floor. Other, smaller countries whimper and back away slowly. Cut to a shot of the train rattling too fast and unsteady on the track. Long zoom out to the sound of a horse chewing a wet pair of jeans to reveal that the train track about a kilometer ahead is broken and dangles off the edge of a cliff.
“What they needed was miracle. What they needed was…”
Camera slowly pans down the train corridor to the pantry. The sound of someone whistling and chopping vegetables can be heard. Quick cut to a mega close up of a knife slicing through onions, then peppers, then someones finger accompanied by a scream, really fast. Cut back to the slow zoom along the train corridor. Cut to a shot of someone’s wide back wearing a chef’s outfit. Pan up to reveal a black, shiny ponytail under a bandana. Cut to more vegetables being chopped up, this time superfast.

“Livin on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi starts chunking out of the speakers HARD. Cut to a close up of the chef. Freeze frame on STEVEN SEAGAL’S FACE and the words: “Starring Steven Seagal as Chef Randall Morlock” just as “livin on a prayer” really starts getting going. Seagal suddenly stops whistling and looks at the camera. His left ear twitches and the audience can clearly hear the sounds of high-caliber athletes slapping each other on the face and headbutting shins. Seagal cracks a grin and then winks. Your internal organs begin vibrating as you realise that a montage is coming up and just as Bon Jovi starts wailing “WOAHAH WE’RE HALF WAY THERE, WOWOWOWWWAAAAAAOH LIVIN ON A PRAYER” we cut to a montage showing the following: steven seagal running the entire length of the train in 1.3 seconds and shoulder barging a woman in the back who flies into another customer who spills scolding hot fondue all over his neck and screams then seagal backflips into the toilet and rips a hole in the floor revealing the train tracks flying past underneath for no reason at all. cut to a shot of david hasslehoff ripping off his tracksuit and handing it to his assistant without looking. the audience however can see that he has just handed his tracksuit to steven seagal, who is staring at the side of hasslehoffs neck HARD. hasslehoff, still not looking, touches seagals arms, then neck, before rubbing his face and prodding him in the eye a little. he says “Yuri? Is that you?” Cut to seagal kicking a chair so that it flies up in the air then punching it so that it flies into the side of Hasslehoffs neck (which breaks). Then Michael J Fox goes to high five seagal but seagal sidekicks him in the ribs, causing him to basically rip in half at the waist and fall to the ground. Seagal then squats down and jumps up, smashing a hole in the ceiling, simultanously flinging poison darts at a bunch of bionic cyber-monkeys that the Ukrainians had smuggled with the intention of ruining the 1986 Winter Olympics. Cut to a shot of Seagal standing on two donkeys roped to the top of the train with their tongues hanging out really, really far so that it looks almost unreal, and a quick zoom out to reveal the train still going really fast towards the broken track at the end of the line. Some quick cuts showing a man attempting to eat honey spare ribs with a spoon, sweden on fire, most of berlin underwater, a cheese-eating contest in spain and seven micro-organisms voting on their favourite aftershave followed by stock footage of nuclear explosions.
Voiceover: “This fall, there’s only one man crazy enough to buy a return ticket on… ” and then the title slams in to the screen five times with the noise of an elephant being dropped into a swimming pool filled with jam “OLYMPIC DEATH TRAIN”
RATED “R”
“A STEVEN SEAGAL PRODUCTION” gets smeared onto the screen with pink lipstick accompanied by a harpsichord. Fade to burlap.

Miami Death Spree 8 (Trailer)

Open up on a sunrise on Miami Beach. “Take my breath away” plays softly as the screen fades up. Fade to David Hasslehoff driving a red Lambourghini slowly down the road, his arm hanging out the side, large, permed hair blowing in the wind, and a small rodent making himself at home in his ear.
Pink letters fade onto the screen:
Starring David Hasslehoff as Brandon Hardmax
Fade to show the empty beaches of Miami with only a few random people and/or native americans walking around.
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Brandon Hardmax is a cop with a past.”
Black and white flashback scene of Hardmax in a police station having an arguement with his superiors, one of whom is Apollo Creed from Rocky. WHAM! Hardmax slams his fist down on the table. Apollo mouths “YOU’RE A LOOSE CANNON HARDMAX.” Badly framed close-up of David hasslehoff’s face that crops out his eyebrows and he says “BUT I’M THE BEST YOU GOT!”
Return to colour again and Hasslehoff, still cruising in the lambourghini, shakes his head as if to get rid of the memory.
Now cut to the inside of a police station, early morning still. The superintendent is asleep on his desk with an empty bottle of whisky in front of him, light angling in through the slatted window. Freeze frame on a close up of the snoring face and subtitles fade in:
Also Starring Apollo Creed (From Rocky)
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Superintendent Zabron B. Funkmeister is almost over the hill, with a job he hates and a wife who hates him.”
Cut to a shot of Arnold Schwarzlenegger jogging on the beach with a surfboard under his arm (the surfboard looks tiny next to his ginourmous muscles). Text fades in:
Featuring Arnold Swarchenegger as Sacha von Hurtzman
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Sacha von Hurtzman is an ex-Austrian surfing champion who fell in love with the Miami lifestyle—and drugs.”
Brief shot of a dog trying to hump a car exhaust pipe while fiddle music plays, then a shot of a hammer breaking a pane of glass to the sound of cheese being melted in slow motion, followed by a close up of a plate of hair in a microwave accompanied by three seconds of a man shouting “I’VE LOST MY LEGS” with a Mancunian accent.
Deep voice voiceover man:
“This fall, experience more action than you ever felt possible.”
The song: Two Tribes by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Quick clip montage showing: a car going over a ramp, igniting into a spinning fireball, crashing into the side of a skyscraper which explodes and melts, Arnold Swarchenegger smashing his surfboard over a small child’s head, some cheeseburgers being set on fire then exploding, a cruise ship ramming a bridge until it explodes, David Hasslehoff parachuting from the top of a skyscraper whilst wrestling two lions, Mr. T (guest star) throwing a punch at the same time as Chuck Norris (guest star) throws a punch then their two fists meeting head to head in the screen followed by sparks and a giant explosion, David Hasslehoff on a motorbike doing a wheelie past a petrol station which explodes (twice), a helicopter ramming a tank until they both explode (hard), mustachioed bad guys dying in a hail of bullets then exploding completely, goats getting their hind legs ripped off then exploding, close-ups of computers saying “ERROR ERROR OVERLOAD” and flashing red before exploding, shot of a jeep transforming into a hovercraft, zooming over the water before crashing into a hippo and exploding, the characters of Superintendent Zabron B. Funkmeister, Sacha von Hurtzman and Brandon Hardmax high-fiving each other, nodding, then high-kicking a group of generic thugs in the face in a kind of can-can chorus line, then a shot of an ape jumping up and down and hooting and tearing the floor up and shit, finally showing Hasslehoff emerging from the ocean riding on the nose of a dolphin, taking aim with a ridiculously huge sniper rifle and then a close-up of Alcatraz exploding.
Voiceover guy:
“This fall, experience more comedy than you ever knew existed.”
Montage continues showing Swarchenegger eating a hotdog then shoving the hot-dog in Hasslehoff’s eye. Close up of Funkenmeister laughing and a dog crapping on a duck. Shot of Mr. T sitting and drinking coffee in a coffee shop with David Hasslehoff creeping up behind him, then smashing Arnold Swazrchenegger’s surfboard over a kid, who explodes causing the froth on Mr. T’s cappucino to spill over the edge of the cup pretty hard, cut to Swarchenegger trying to surf without a surfboard and slowly sinking underwater, canned laughter will be playing at this point. Close up of Sylvester Stallone walking repeatedly into a wall instead of using the door right next to the wall, a few shots of horses back-kicking a Coca-Cola truck until it explodes and a bunch of fat kids fall out, and finally a shot of David Hasslehoff creeping up behind a nunsuspecting, beautiful woman, making shushing motions with his finger to his lips and his eyebrows raised, and then elbowing her hard in the spine until she falls over followed by a shot of a mule driving a Lexus and smoking a pipe.
Voiceover guy:
“Miami Death Spree is back with a new cast, new adventures, and new interesting moments of celluloid action.”
Shot of all main characters sitting in Hasslehoff’s Lambhourgihini with sniper rifles, the lambourghini goes really fast then takes off and mechanical wings fold out from underneath and then it flies into the sunset.
Voiceover guy (speaking really, really fast)
“Film is not associated with previous Miami Death Spree movies, the Miami Death Spree Conglomerate, or Quincy Jones production. Warning, watching this movie will cause severe cramp, kidney failure, or headlice. Not intended for general consumption. If swallowed, consult your doctor and do not induce vomiting.”
A STEVEN SEAGAL PRODUCTION blazes onto the screen written in fire. Fade to black, then your eyes melt.

Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters (Trailer)

Fade up from black to show an abandoned street-ball court. A metal chain-hoop blows in the wind.
“Africa” by Toto plays hard in the background.
Quick zoom up to the backboard of the net and a face fades into view, superimposed on the top left corner of the board.
It’s Steven fucking Seagal.
Voiceover begins. The voice is incredibly deep and gravelly as if being spoken by a man who eats gravel, cigars and bottles of whisky for breakfast:
“Three years ago, Bobby Gunthrax lost the world streetball championships.”
Sudden cut to a crowd of people booing in slow motion accompanied by booing sound effects. Cross fade to a close up of Seagal’s face.
“Haunted by the loss, Guntrax went to the mountains of Tibet to contemplate his fate.”
The music changes to chinese flute music and cut to a shot of Seagal standing naked on top of a mountain with his eyes closed and arms spread wide.
“There, he learnt the ancient secrets of Tibetan Karate from a hundred-year-old master.”
Brief training montage to the tune of “the only way is up” by Yazz, showing Seagal headbutting a tree, then himself, then showing him in the horse-stance position with bowls of human turds balancing on his face, then a close-up of bricks being smashed by a goat and Seagal punching the goat in the face, seagal running over a tiny rope bridge separating two mountains then when he reaches the other side, backflipping back to the first side while yelling KIAI, Seagal frantically shoving various twigs into his mouth and munching them as quick as possible, seagal kicking a tree and rubbing his shin in pain, seagal sitting in the meditation position with hundreds of needles sticking out of him as an old man repeatedly smashes him in the face with a plank of wood, Seagal tensing up hard as a bunch of dirty village kids kick him in the nads, then the same but with donkeys, and finally a shot showing seagal doing a kata with his sensei, stark naked, and the camera zooms from eye level with seagal all the way back to show the entire earth, which dissovles into seagal’s squinting face.
“Now, the call of the court pulls him back to South Central L.A.”
Fade to another shot of the basketball court with people playing ball. It is very competitive. Generic rap music starts playing hard.
The people crowded around the court, mostly black, slowly part and seagal strolls through, very tall, wearing a tibetan robe, a cowboy hat with tassles on it, woolly boots and with a guitar strapped to his back, parting the people like moses parting the water. People can be heard whispering “Hey that’s him… that’s Bobby Gunthrax” Close up of a black kid with a huge hightop haircut saying “Whoa.. Bobby Gunthrax… he was the best streetballer I ever done seen”
WHAM! The chords from “Sweet dreams are made of this” start chunking out of the speakers HARD. Shot of Seagal standing on the edge of the court. The game has stopped playing. Then, in time for when the drums come in, someone throws a ball at Seagal. It bounces off his head, drops to the floor, bounces once, twice, then comes to rest -
ZORP!
Now a montage of some hardcore streetball with Seagal aikido-flipping anyone who gets in his way, slam dunking on motherfuckers faces and generally high-fiving with the crowd.
Voiceover continues:
“This Summer, Bobby Gunthrax is back on the court. Only this time, he’s playing for keeps.”
Quick close up of the love interest, Barbara Streisand with a leapordskin leotard, pink headband and purple wristbands with knee-high ruffled socks, tapping her toes to the music and having horrible eye makeup. She winks. Brief close up of a meerkat screaming and then two shots of locks closing on doors, one final shot of the basketball court (now empty), then a close up again of Seagal mouthing the words “It’s game time”.
Fade to black and the title “Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters” slams into the screen accompanied by a reverberating snare drum noise.

Ninja Death-o-tron 5000 trailer

The words “in the not too distant future…” slams into the screen in silver, accompanied by ‘the final countdown’ by Europe

“Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal’s DNA is spliced to create the ultimate Chick magnet / Killing machine…”
close up of a tattoo on a pulsating bicep. The tatoo depicts a panther with a boner jumping out of an american flag, above it is a golden eagle on fire which also has a boner.

“From the fires of scientific passion…Cheven Norgal is born…”
pan back from the tatoo to reveal a street on fire with blown up cars, dead ninjas, communists, cyborg vikings and wrestlers lying everywhere. Cheven Norgal, played by Dolph Lundgren has an armerican flag jammed right through his right thigh and is popping a boner. Impaled on his boner are about five, no… seven Ninjas, Cyborg Vikings and a yak.

Zoom into Chevens mouth which mumbles “Lets rock and roll”

The music screams “the fin-al Count-down!”

montage of Cheven boning tanks, Rhinos, Gorillas with axes and Viking Robots. Continents folding in on themselves. Cheven punching his way out of Pepsi trucks. Cheven Grinning at the camera and flexing his muscles as hundreds of hot chicks just ooze out of his underpants and tight yellow vest that has a picture of a pina colada on it. Cheven Slamming a car door on some kids nuts. Kurt Russell doing a back flip off a motor bike landing perfectly, only to be drop kicked into a meat grinder by Cheven. Sylvester Stallone wearing a viking helmet doing as start jump out of a giant exploding T-rex statue. A giant picture of Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal holding nunchuckas, bazookas, machine guns, spears and knives being engraved into a mountain by Chevins Chisel like chin. A Ninjas severed head being slam dunked into a meat grinder splattering brains all over some 80′s chicks who giggle and laugh.

The words “SEE IT OR DIE” slam into the screen so hard that both your kidneys explode and then your face melts and you shit yourself. Awesome.