News report from the 1987 premiere of “Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters”

By Sheena Tarstank, Staff Reporter

STARS BRIGHTEN LOS ANGELES NIGHT

Los Angeles was melting under the hot summer sun this past Wednesday. But the heat was turned up even more, as if it were night-time (if that’s even possible) by the Hollywood “stars”, out en masse for the premiere of Steven Seagal’s new action movie, Hard Slammin Karate Breakers. These “stars” temporarily swooped down to earth, dressed to the nines in sequins, shoulder pads and sexy suits, and wowed audiences. By walking along the red carpet towards the premiere of the movie.

If it was “stars” on the red carpet, then there was certainly a supernova of action happening at the premiere. Seagal rolled up in his customary 1957 modified Chevrolet Stretch Convertible Hovercraft, causing quite a stir with the local traffic cops. One of the cops was last seen tapping on the window of Seagal’s vehicle and asking to see his license and registration. What happened next is anyone’s guess but by all accounts, the window opened just a fraction, then the cop was sucked inside like a piece of wet spaghetti. There were some gurgling and breaking noises and then the window on the other side opened up and a shoe fell to the sidewalk. The nerve of these cops, trying to show up stars at their own premieres. Fucking shitheels.

Seagal arrived with his usual entourage in tow, offering plenty of opportunity for the paparazzi “hounds” to “wolf up” some “pictures.” There was that chick from Weird Science with the funny accent, Sylvester Stallonegger (who was carrying Danny de Vito in a small leather handbag), Jules the talking horse, Chief-runs-with-scissors and his daughter, Krystal, as well as the fourteen white llamas that Seagal has taken to bringing along with him everywhere.

Seagal stunned the fashionistas on the red carpet with his outfit: combining cowboy boots with knee-pads and hot pants, with an american-indian cowskin poncho, fur hand warmers and a ten gallon hat, Seagal looked magnificent. Truly magnificent.

The film itself was an absolute masterpiece, a perfectly crafted piece of cinema history that allowed Lord Seagal to shine in all his glory. Long live the lord and master and may he long lord over us all, in a master-like way.

Amen.

Grampin’ Bonesticks 3: Bone harder

Open up and you’re immediately in the action HARD. The screen is all black and then thumping techno / banjo music stars playing loud, causing your socks to shrink really quick and your calf muscles to bulge pretty bad. It’s like that scene in Tron, and it’s clearly the future and people are living inside a computer. Somebody driving some kind of computer-generated car with three wheels and cannons on top zooms up to the screen and looks directly at the screen (or your face) and says “NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! GET ON YOUR HYPER-BIKE RIGHT THE HELL NOW GODDAMNIT!” The person is wearing a baseball hat with a picture of Marylin Monroe cooking eggs on it but you can tell the person is just Matthew Broderick with a scarf on. He starts driving away but then his bike expands to the size of an elephant (or bus) fast flinging him up in the air (he screams pretty loud before exploding.)

The camera zooms out and you realise it’s just a computer game, being played by a teenaged Steven Seagal. “Game over” flashes on screen which makes Seagal say “motherfrumpin swizzlesticks”. Then he takes his keyboard and smashes it over a teenage Mr. T’s head hard, causing Mr. T’s ears to fall off and land on the floor where they bubble and melt like frying eggs or “Heggz.” A waiter appears out of nowhere and hands Seagal a cup of chamomile tea sprinkled with cheese and rubbery Ox buttholes. Mr. T starts eyeing it hungrily and licking his lips. Seagal notices this and his eyes move from the waiter to the cup of tea to Mr. T, back to the cup of tea again. Close up of Mr. T’s eyes which move from the cup of tea to Seagal, then to a donkey braying outside the window, then to the waiter, back to the tea again, before swirling a round a bit and finally settling on a large bogey which is hanging out of a hole in Seagal’s neck. Cut back to Seagal’s eyes which move from the cup of tea to a hanging painting of a zebra with a traffic cone up its butt to a small speck of dust on Mr. T’s gold chain and back to the waiter. Now cut to the waiter’s eyes and some classical opera music starts playing really really fucking loud causing my liver to turn itself into pate and most of the audience’s spleens to fold in half (including yours but not mine.) Camera zooms in on the waiter’s eyes which are spinning around and around and occasionally darting from left to right. Opera music is replaced by indian sitar music and the screen now has some kind of psychadelic colour filter over it.

Slow zoom out now to reveal that Seagal has one arm wrapped around the waiter’s neck making him choke, one leg shoved up Mr. T’s nostril (up to the knee, causing Mr. T’s face/cheeks or afro to bulge quite a lot) and Seagal’s prehensile boner is picking up the cup of tea and moving it towards his face, slowly, slowly, then quite fast, spilling some cheese, then he headbutts it and it explodes. Seagal tenses his muslces causing things to snap and break and some kind of brown fluid to dribble from your toes or possibly teeth. Both of the other characters die, except Mr. T who stands up and shakes his fur like a dog, causing water (sea and fresh), pot pourri and high-velocity impact ferrets to shoot out in all directions (especially the ferrets). After this, Mr. T and Steven Seagal were sworn Blood Brothers, not unlike the secret society known as “Horribly Burnt Face Club” that existed in Manchuria in the first century B.C.

Cut to a shot of Sweden in flames followed by a really low budget Godzilla rip off with a guy in a suit (real suit – black, pintstriped) with an egg box over his head and wooden spoons instead of arms clapping to the beat of “Red red wine” by UB40 surrounded by obviously fake buildings that are really just burgers sellotaped to chinstraps and painted black. At this point the audience is mostly confused and / or reluctant because this arthouse crap is not what they came to see, being rabid Steven Seagal fans who like nothing more than to see Seagal eating off heads, shattering kneecaps, elbowing yaks in the ear until they die, shoving screwdrivers into (and out of, or possibly up) nostrils, kicking people’s pancreases so hard they go cross-eyed and melt or freeze or just say “GARG” loud, twisting up ears until they look like a small dog, using telephone books to beat old ladies to death, and returning videos three to five days late.

That’s why at this point, with most of the audience considering going and getting their money back, the heaviest, loudest, most distortedest power chord you’ve ever heard in my life goes KA-CHAAAANG from the speakers. A shot of Steven Seagal COMPLETELY ON FIRE (?!) holding a shotgun in one hand and a Native American Tomohawk dripping with blood in the other hand fills the cinema screen (and your vision, which is going all wibbly from the heat and/or nervous excitement.) Audience members who were on their way to the exit will probably just fall down and die at this point or at the very least lie down on the floor and vibrate or moan pretty loud. The rest of you will be glued to your seats (literally), punching each other in the eye and tearing off strips of flesh or pushing splinters under your nails just to counter-balance the extreme pumpiness of the scene.

The camera zooms in on Seagal’s eyeballs which smile then wink before exploding in a shower of blood, golden sparks and pure, concentrated awesome. Now a montage starts to the tune of “the Ace of Spades” by motorhead showing:

Seagal riding two motorbikes at the same time on an ocean road and playing an electric guitar, two narwhals (shoutout to hobo) headbutting each other under the water, then flying out of the water spraying radioactive acid all over a boat full of hot babes and international terrorists, Chuck Norris jumping off a building and landing on the ground causing the ground to shatter and ectoplasm to splurge out of the cracks, a boxing match where the boxers are wearing gloves made out of shards of glass and sabre-toothed tiger teeth, an international arms deal about to go down in an abandoned warehouse when suddently chuck norris blazes onto the scene driving a Monster Truck with Flames coming out of the exhaust pipes THROUGH THE WALL crushing everyone before backflippnig out of the passenger side window weilding a guitar which he uses to play along to the ace of spades.

At this point the audience (including you) will be squirting lighter fluid into their ear canals and headbutting each other’s chins way too hard because their feeble brains can’t quite comprehend what the hell is happening. On screen, Seagal dives headfirst into a swimming pool filled with blood to karate chop a shark right on the face before whipping out a super-soaker from under his tie-dyed t-shirt and spraying a corrupt courtroom with acid, then firing a bazooka at a haunted crpyt full of dancing zombies before finally throwing 15 phosphorous grenades at a bunch of school-kids who were posessed by the devil and/or the spirit of Freddie Mercury (probably?!), meanwhile John who is sitting on row 5-C chews a hole in his shins and pushes his drinks straw in the hole to take his mind off the awesomeness of the movie, and Randalf the projectionist who is naked in the projection booth shaves his entire body using a sharpened spoon and vinegar and salt as shaving cream before falling through the projectionist booth hole and impaling himself on Donna, who was busy dealing with her inverted nostrils and lower instestine which had just tied itself into a knot resembling steven seagal’s ears.

Fade to Magenta crossed with elephant dung to the sound of a tin of sausage and beans being poured slowly over two goats attempting to eat the same piece of paper and that’s a rap.

Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters (Trailer)

Fade up from black to show an abandoned street-ball court. A metal chain-hoop blows in the wind.
“Africa” by Toto plays hard in the background.
Quick zoom up to the backboard of the net and a face fades into view, superimposed on the top left corner of the board.
It’s Steven fucking Seagal.
Voiceover begins. The voice is incredibly deep and gravelly as if being spoken by a man who eats gravel, cigars and bottles of whisky for breakfast:
“Three years ago, Bobby Gunthrax lost the world streetball championships.”
Sudden cut to a crowd of people booing in slow motion accompanied by booing sound effects. Cross fade to a close up of Seagal’s face.
“Haunted by the loss, Guntrax went to the mountains of Tibet to contemplate his fate.”
The music changes to chinese flute music and cut to a shot of Seagal standing naked on top of a mountain with his eyes closed and arms spread wide.
“There, he learnt the ancient secrets of Tibetan Karate from a hundred-year-old master.”
Brief training montage to the tune of “the only way is up” by Yazz, showing Seagal headbutting a tree, then himself, then showing him in the horse-stance position with bowls of human turds balancing on his face, then a close-up of bricks being smashed by a goat and Seagal punching the goat in the face, seagal running over a tiny rope bridge separating two mountains then when he reaches the other side, backflipping back to the first side while yelling KIAI, Seagal frantically shoving various twigs into his mouth and munching them as quick as possible, seagal kicking a tree and rubbing his shin in pain, seagal sitting in the meditation position with hundreds of needles sticking out of him as an old man repeatedly smashes him in the face with a plank of wood, Seagal tensing up hard as a bunch of dirty village kids kick him in the nads, then the same but with donkeys, and finally a shot showing seagal doing a kata with his sensei, stark naked, and the camera zooms from eye level with seagal all the way back to show the entire earth, which dissovles into seagal’s squinting face.
“Now, the call of the court pulls him back to South Central L.A.”
Fade to another shot of the basketball court with people playing ball. It is very competitive. Generic rap music starts playing hard.
The people crowded around the court, mostly black, slowly part and seagal strolls through, very tall, wearing a tibetan robe, a cowboy hat with tassles on it, woolly boots and with a guitar strapped to his back, parting the people like moses parting the water. People can be heard whispering “Hey that’s him… that’s Bobby Gunthrax” Close up of a black kid with a huge hightop haircut saying “Whoa.. Bobby Gunthrax… he was the best streetballer I ever done seen”
WHAM! The chords from “Sweet dreams are made of this” start chunking out of the speakers HARD. Shot of Seagal standing on the edge of the court. The game has stopped playing. Then, in time for when the drums come in, someone throws a ball at Seagal. It bounces off his head, drops to the floor, bounces once, twice, then comes to rest -
ZORP!
Now a montage of some hardcore streetball with Seagal aikido-flipping anyone who gets in his way, slam dunking on motherfuckers faces and generally high-fiving with the crowd.
Voiceover continues:
“This Summer, Bobby Gunthrax is back on the court. Only this time, he’s playing for keeps.”
Quick close up of the love interest, Barbara Streisand with a leapordskin leotard, pink headband and purple wristbands with knee-high ruffled socks, tapping her toes to the music and having horrible eye makeup. She winks. Brief close up of a meerkat screaming and then two shots of locks closing on doors, one final shot of the basketball court (now empty), then a close up again of Seagal mouthing the words “It’s game time”.
Fade to black and the title “Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters” slams into the screen accompanied by a reverberating snare drum noise.

Intergalactic Space Cops (Trailer)

Long, establishing shot of space. Black, stars, etc.
Cut to a futuristic rave party with people with computers attached to their heads headbanging to a bunch of robots playing guitars with three, no wait four necks, wailing hard and sparks are flying everywhere and everything.
Cut to a shot of a Intergalactic Space Cops Cruiser, with the camera sliding alongside the edge of this awesome vehicle flying through space. Then the camera zooms in on the cockpit. The person who is driving has a huge cowboy hat on, obscuring his face. His hands are massive, gripping the zebra-skin covered steering wheel. Futuristic country rock music blares from the speakers in the cockpit. Cut to a close up of the computer screen inside the cockpit which says in large, green digital letters WARNING WARNING ILLEGAL FUTURISTIC RAVE PARTY DETECTED WARNING WARNINGS.
Spinning cross fade pan to a close up of the driver’s mouth, which twitches and then smiles. “Party’s over, assholes…”
WHAM! the ship blasts into lightspeed and disappears off the screen.
FROM DIRECTOR RICHARD CRONGENBOURG slams into the screen bloody hard.
Quick cut back to the rave scene and now some people are rapidly inserting and removing hard drives, floppy disks and hyper-DVD’s into each other’s biomechanically-engineered buttholes in some kind of evil, futuristic orgy (with german techno music playing in the background.)
COMES A SPACE ADVENTURE THAT’s OUT OF THIS WORLD…
Suddenly the music goes quiet and the lights come on. All the partyers are like “Huh what the” then a sudden, quick zoom to the DJ booth where the robotic DJ’s head has been ripped off and sparks are coming out.
Frantic drumbeat starts playing as… STARRING STEVEN SEAGAL dribbles onto the screen and Seagal steps from the shadows AS LIEUTENANT BILL KILLSHART slams in to replace it.
Cut to surprised gasps from the audience, then back to Seagal who whips out a Desintegrizer gun and fires it at everyone in the room including innocent bystanders and a guy who just accidentally walked in the door. They all die in a sparking puddle of stuff.
Then a montage to the tune of We Will Rock you by queen plays in order to get you super pumped. quick cuts showing: Steven Seagal being blasted through space without a space suit or anything in a head-on collision with the sun, Seagal grabbing a bad guy’s hand with an aikido grip and then shoving it up the nearest bad guy’s nostrils until it comes out of his ear, seagal eating dinner in a restaurant on the moon and then headbutting a horse, Seagal whipping out a pair of handcuffs on a bad guy and then using them to beat him to death, somebody trying to push toothpaste back into a toothpaste tube (or “Choob”), close-up of a camel’s eyes and it is like “RAAAAH!” having camel rage or something and snorting pretty hard, random shots of the end of a lazer gun with “KAPOW” sound effects and red lazers coming out, split screen effect showing seagal running down a futuristic street really fast on one side and some robotic bad guys riding giant motorbikes on the other side, a donkey raping a goat, a couple eating cheese and win in the french countryside while a giant robot gets ready to stamp on them in the background, steven seagal sitting on the toilet typing on a laptop computer really fast then rubbing his chin, clicking his fingers and shouting “I GOT IT!” and laughing.
WATCH OUT, INTERGALACTIC CRIMINAL SCUM… slides in from the side of the screen
THRE’S A NEW COP ON THE BEAT
Shot of Seagal slowly walking down a futuristic street with a mechanical parrot on his shoulder.
LIEUTENANT BILL KILLSHART smashes into the screen so hard that your shoes fall off.
Fade to green and the words “COMING FALL 1987″ appear in sparkling silver text, then a sparkle of light runs around the edge of the text while a distorted power chord lingers with lots of reverb.

Miami Death Spree 5 Trailer

Miami Vice music is playing really hard – everything is cool in Miami.
That is what you obviously get from this scene.
A tall dark stranger in yellow crocodile skin cowboy boots is tromping his way down Miami beach. despite the extreme heat, the stranger is wearing orange skin tight jeans, a mexican poncho and a native american indian head-dress on top of a builders hard hat. He also has a diamond and wall nut necklace around his neck.
Some mexican street kids are gathered around a carboard sign that says “Sick of being a loser dead beat nobody? learn karate here from one of the greats.” Mr.T is sitting on a beach chair next to the sign eating an ice cream from a cone. Subtitles read: introducing Mr T as Kensington Fairfax. Next to him is a Karate Gi with stars and stripes and an eagle embroided on it, next to that sits an airwolf hat with a few cents and crumpled up bits of money in it.

A kid is crying as his Sensai stands over him with his foot in the kids face. Cut to a close up of Mandral Parlax accompanied by subtitles: Featuring Chuck Norris as Sensai Mandral Parlax. Mandral grins and starts twisting his foot in the poor kids face. “Go on cry! im gonna teach you the meaning of respect for an american man who learns the ancient art of death killer kai Karate Do!”

SMASH-GARGLE – SNAP, TWIST…CHOKE!

Zooming close up into Mandrals face and a look of complete horror.

Spinning close up of the stranger standing with one cowboy boot in Kensington Fairfaxes left nostril, blood and ice cream is spattered half way up his orange skin tight jeans. A loud shiplooping sound is heard followed by the sound of a balloon deflating and chicken soup being spilled on a pillow.

subtitles: and Steven Seagal in his 5th outing as Leutenant Dutch Kool in…

MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5!!!

random fast cuts of people being shot, stamped on, twisted, Slapped, blown up in Miami. Goats being kicked through shop windows, Seagal holding someones hand down on the accelerator of a motorbike then breaking their hand so its stays on ‘death speed’ as they career off into a scissor and spoon factory which promptly explodes. wide angle of Chuck Norris screaming KIAAAAAAAAI!!!!!! and jumping out of a helicopter and Impaling himself on Seagals already extended leg. Jean Claude Van Damme and Seagal High Fiving, laughing and wearing white vests and mirror sunglasses. Someones knee being dislocated. A mexican man’s neck being broken by a cowboy boot. A hoof pressing a big red button with the word “Disembowel” written above it. A spinning punch to the temples of a midget. a cup of tea with fingers floating in it, pan back to reveal a man holding the cup looking up, short of a few fingers. Seagal towers over him gurning and waving like a child in the most condescending way ever imaginable. Jean Claude Van Damme does the flying splits and kicks two goats square in the side of the head causing their brains to evacuate out of their nostrils immediatley like right the-god-damn-NOW!

MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5 flashes up on the screen with the tagline BAM! welcome to Miami BITCHES. Will Smith was wrong…Dead wrong!