I am very happy to have this opportunity to interview two of hollywoods most creative (dyslexic/aenimic) members responsible for bringing us such classics as Hard to shoot at, parts one to six and Super ass carcass three, all of which feature child martial art star Steven Seagal. I am of course speaking about that talented duo Alex and Matt.
Stephen Hawkin: Alex, Matt welcome to the studio.
Alex : Yo.
Matt : Nice wheels.
SH : So whats it like working with Steven Seagal and why do you like using him in your films so much?
A: hes a womanizer and a great one at that!
M: although he can be a bit of a ‘tard someti-
A: …sorry Stephen.
SH: dont mention it…
A: Anyway, hes got great style you know? there arent that many people left alive who can actually pull off wearing a tent with a cravat tucked into a pair of purple suede cowboy boots.
M: Yeah, hes pretty fucking cool, he also does all his own stunts…we have to computer generate his legs though for most of our movies.
A: We also like using him because well we were scared of him at first, and fear will ultimatley breed respect. I think thats the underlying message in most of our films. That and dont fuck with a guy crazy enough to wear shit like that. Bitch.
SH: How did you come up with the character of Chico?
M: Well, basically hes based on a guy Steven Actually used to live with, he was like a child slave who became his best friend over the years. Mainly due to his huge pain threshold, which you really need when you are around a martial artist like Seagal. He has very little control over his body really, and has no idea of how much he can hurt other people.
A: Unfortunatley the real Chico passed away shortly after the filming of one of our first ever scenes with Seagal. He just sort of stomped Chico one too many times on the back of the neck and that was the end of him. Im suprised he ever lived that long, so for the rest of the movies we use really complex animatronics puppets which still seems to make Seagal really mad. So we get the desired reaction. He really loved Chico though, despite all the trauma he caused for him and his family.
SH: How do you come up with the ideas for your movies?
A: Umm, Well I usually try to picture myself in Seagals shoes, what would I do if MrT and Sylvester Stallon were after me and I was Seagal. How would i get them to shut the hell up and eat their pointy words and or my fists. The answer is usually pretty simple and is something Steve once told me “twist the windpipe and headbutt the bastards.” That made me get pretty pumped.
M: I spend a lot of time smoking in Saunas then when im really hot and really pumped I usually head butt this old typwritter of mine then i go and write my script on a computer and then on parchment. I usually get really pumped about our scripts.
SH: Is being pumped important?
M: Totally. its part of the creative process.
SH: Please explain why ‘pumpitude’ is important when making movies.
Alex: I’ll field this one.
Matt: Asshole.
Alex: Pumpitude is very important because it can make your scripts real good or real crap. Pumpitude is defined by the pumpitude scale, with 75 being sweetly porking hot chicks 24/7 and rocking out hard at a private pearl jam gig, and 3.7 being merely eating a doughnut pretty fast. There are plenty of points in between, and of course the scale can be redefined or explode, depending on your current level of pumpitude. Matt?
Matt: Thanks dickhead. For example, Mr Hawkings, right now, your pumpitude level is pretty low, on account of you being unable to move any part of your body except your tongue, but it is not at zero, because you could pork some hot babes with your tongue, or add some gadgets and gizmos to your wheelchair to make it sweet and advanced.
(steven hawkings looks over to his assistant worriedly.)
(hobo high fives matt twice)
(building collapses in Manchuria killing seventeen nemetodes worms HARD)
Matt: Steven seagal is always hovering somewhere around the maximum pumpitude level, mostly because he is always involved in some kind of physical violence.
Alex: Yeah, plus he is constantly popping huge boners.
SH: So, have you got anything in the pipeline for future projects?
Alex: Well, tomorrow I am going to see what happens if I get steven seagal really pumpscared by telling him a bunch of ghost stories, then put him in a bath with a hairless monkey. I just want to see the kind of reaction we will get, see if he can think on his toes, do a bit of ad-libbing.
Matt: In the background, I am going to be slowly headbutting a quiche into the wall and singing the theme tune to flash gordon, to increase the level of pumpitude in the room and get the creative juices flowing.
SH: What is the outcome you are hoping for?
Matt: Mainly, we just want to see seagal beat the shit out of this monkey.
Alex: I am going to be attempting to capture the essence of the encounter by drawing it using charcoal on the back of a cereal packet.
Matt: It’s how we come up with most of our scripts.
SH: I don’t understand
Matt: Oh, just shut the fuck up and explode already you useless piece of crap.
SH: Actually I have a degree in Metaphysics and –
(Alex interrupts by high kicking hawkings in the thorax twice. Hawkings doesn’t feel this, so Matt suddenly jumps in the air and releases an energy ball which slowly rolls towards hawkings, who cant do shit about it. The energy ball misses completely but steven hawkings implodes, melts, evaporates and then explodes HARD.)
Matt and hobo go and order some burgers and high five constantly for the next 11 minutes.
This interview was awesome.
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