Archibald Plucketts “intimate love squeezins” cont’d

Archibald stood by the hearth of the bulging fireplace his mahood clearly poking out from behind his loosley tied dressing gown. Gwyneth sat knitting a frankfurter on the arm chair, her eyes burning like two steamed cabbages, hot, steamy and moist, unlike the fire which simply raged. She felt the burning in her loins as Archibalds hair piece burst into flames. A big oil painting of a gentleman wearing a monocle and holding a cucumber firmly in his hands, glared down upon them sweat glistening on his brow.
The lovers eyes met. Smoke rising from Archibalds now dwindelling wig and open undies, they could contain themselves no more! As Gwyneth stood, her tartan trousers fell to the floor, Archibalds dressing gown evaporated like a freshly boiled bag of sprouts revealing his knee high socks. He proceeded to grab his bugal and belt out a few shrill trumpety trumps of triumph sending biscuit crumbs flying into Gwyneths squinting cabbages…er I mean eyes.
At that very moment the old fashioned phone nestled firmly between Gwyneths globes chirped out a Barry Manilow ringtone Archibald dashed for his readers digest, exited backwards through the window and rode away on a scotch egg!
Gywneth sobbed silently as she rolled over and over on the carpet turned on the television box and carried on watching her favourite episode of Columbo.
FADE TO SQUIRREL !1!!ONE1!11!ONE!!1q11111!!

It was dawn on the McGintyre estate.

Peregrine McGintyre raked the strawberries stark naked, as he did every morning. Good for the constitution, his uncle Hawksbill “Gimpy” McGintyre used to say, until he was disemboweled by a rabid toad. Gertrude, the groundskeeper’s daughter, sidled up to Peregrine, her breasts heaving like a sack full of jellified blood.
“Oh, Perry… your hands looks so masculine gripping that long, hard pole… so very masculine in their pulsating thickness, like a mongoose caressing a string of licorice.”
Peregrine let out a throaty laugh, like warm piss trickling down a brick turned on its side. As he did so, some of his teeth flew out and into Gertrude’s wig, causing it to burst into flames and scurry into her ears.
“Oh, how careless of me…” said Gertrude, and one of her breasts fell from her bodice like a dead slug sliding off a tree branch. The morning mist curled around their feet like cool morning mist curling around someone’s feet.
“Gertrude, come closer. I will use my rake to put out the flames.” He began beating her about the shoulders with the long rod.
“But Perry, what about the flames in my heart? You know, the flames of passion…”
“I’ll see what I can do.” And with that, he thrust his rake into her chest cavity, causing her lungs to explode out of her spine and a ferret in a nearby tree to have a heart attack. “It was never meant to be, dear.” And with that, he continued raking the strawberries, whistling a merry tune. Fade to a kilt, then black.

“I need someone to escort me to town to see Archibald Plucketts,” said Lady Crippleshit. “A beautiful young bachelorette with breasts like wads of unleavened dough and a minge like a hollowed out sausage filled with castor oil should not be walking around the capital alone. Peter, you will come with me.”
Peter, the family chauffeur, shook his head. “I’m terribly sorry madam, but today, I must comb the hair of the family ostrich. If I do not comb it, it will become enraged.”
“Dash and blast. Whoever can take me to the town now?”
Just then, there was a knock at the door. Peter opened it. There stood Matthias Kleghorn, the village doctor’s son. He was a handsome fellow, with a chin like a U-shaped bag of crushed walnuts and automobile grease, a nose like a hawks bill with two large, fleshy nostrils cut out of it, and eyes as deep as hoof-divots in freshly laid cowshit. He had a beautifully pasty complexion, as one whose life is spent around dangerous chemicals and strange metal implements to be shoved in various orifices.
“Hello, good sirs and madams. I’m heading into Londinium and was wondering if any of you fine breasts needed a lift. I’ve got a big cart with two horses, a driver with a lovely moustache, and an ice bucket with some elderberry wine in it. The back seat folds down to reveal a silk-lined swimming pool full of frogspawn. What what.”
Lady Crippleshit gulped and her armpits began secreting sweat like milk from a dog’s eyeballs.

Dinosaur High School (1987)

Directed by
John McTiernan (Predator)
with
Brian Blessed (Fat guy with a beard)

Writing credits
Agatha Christie
Moomin Clown-brak
Billy “Supermachine” Freakinkins

Produced By
Morgan Freeman (posing as a dog)

Genre: Action / Adventure / Time-travelling / Dinosaurs / Love story / Romantic Horror Slasher / Swimming pools / Gnarly (more)

Tagline: This little dinosaur has survived extinction… but can he survive HIGH SCHOOL?? (more)

Plot Outline (supplied by Din0-Fan-2000): Two totally gnarly dudes, COREY and BRAINER, are taking their annual skiing trip to Mount McHighfrost with their family. One day, out causing mischeif, they come across an old abandoned ice cave. They venture inside, while some tinkly piano music and soft synth layers echo around. Suddenly they come across a giant block of ice. It contains a real live dinosaur who is totally frozen up!! Then a storm comes and totally blocks the entrance of the cave and it gets all dark and cold and pretty scary (I know I was scared, anytway!!!) The two young bucks decide to make a fire but they foolishly didn’t realise that the fire would melt the ice!> (of cours!!!) So they fall asleep with the fire on in between them. Unbeknownst to them as they fall asleep, the fire starts melting the block of ice. at this point you get pretty darn pumped as the melted ice reveals the dinosaur bit by bit… first just its nostrils and it breathes in and out loudly. Then it thaws down to the mouth and a tongue comes out and some saliva dribble,s and it makes a kind of weak braying sound like a baby donkey. Naturally the dinosaour has been asleep for about a million years or whatever so it is pretty hungry and weak. Suddenly the ice thors out realy slowly and then reveals its arms which scratch around the place constantly. Then before you realise it the whole dinosaur has be revealed!! and it walks over to the boys and starts licking them and kicking them but not too hard. Then they wake up and they are like WOAAAHH!! but they high five each other and hten they try to high five the dinosaur. At first of course it doesn’t know how to do it (duh, its a dinosaur!!) but eventually it gets the hang of it so they do some high fives and then they roast marshamallows on the fire and say “Awesome!” in unison. Luckily the boys had a creepy disabled brother that they carry around in a backpack. They feed it scraps of meat. Then they look at each other and nod and wink and say “Are you thinking what I’m thinking buddy?” and then they strip the brother of all his clothes and throw him off a cliff and give the clothes to the dinosaur including an awesome cap. They put it on the dinosaur and then the dinosaur turns it around backwards!! They look at each other, then at the dinosaur, then they say “RADICAL!” And high five pretty hard. The dinosaur kind of says “HORHOM” with some hooting or howling sounds, so they decide to call it “Grunter.”

Together, Grunter, Corey and Brainer embark on their biggest adventure yet… HIGH SCHOOL!

The scene is set for utmost hilarity and pure fascination. Will Grunter get invited to the prom by Suzy Yvette, the most beautiful girl in school? Will the skeptical Principal Darkpump figure the hell out that the new boy Grunter is not all that he seems? And how will Brian Belcher, the school bully, react when Corey and Brainer’s new friend Grunter (the dinosaur!) is there to protect them?!

(You can find out the answers to all these questions and more by watching the movie!!)

Dino-fan-2000 xxxx

User Comments:
“Pure fucking shit. I’d rather be inhaling stinging nettles through my armpits than watching this unbearable drivel. I actually cried with hatred.” – BigPuff1900

“Like DEnver the Last Dinosaur, only much, much gayer.” – Morton Bilkranz

“How does the principle not realise that Grunter is a dinosaur when the fucking thing has a huge tail and takes a huge, steaming dump in his office when he is trying to tell him off for skipping detention? ” Frazzmatazz

“I don’t think having the dinosaur flip out and eat the two main characters during the final swimming competition scene was a good ending to the movie. At all.”

User Rating: 2.77/10 (7 votes)

Cast overview

Corey Jenkins
Corey Feldman

Billy “Brainer” Braithwate
Fred Savage

Grunter the Dinosaur (Voice)
Pat from Eastenders

Suzy Yvette
Mr T

Principal Darkpump
Richard Dreyfuss

Brian Belcher
Steven Seagal

Mr. Grillchild (PE Instructor)
Brian Blessed

Ralton (post sex change)
Jonothan Parkwitch

Muhammed Al Shalbreek
Raidengator “Numbers” McGee

Rotting potatoe that falls on Darkpump’s head in the exorcism scene
Dorian Krinkenhaver

Corrupt Policeman 12
Slasencourt Marlenbone the Second

Rahuna, Snake Goddess of Agablarn
Ruudy O’Zoltran (TRAZZ!)

Also Known As:
Einer Dino-kinder ert ein FUCK (Germany) (working title)
What, A Dinosaur?! (MLDV) (working title)
Est una dinosora in me escolao! (SPN)
Prtzk faakt Strookztn Tyranno Danzer! (PLND)

MPAA: Rated 18 for repetitive and motion-sickness inducing scenes involving violence against hunks of turf dug up from a smelly old vegetable garden, and horses smoking cigars and talking with american accents possibly whilst wearing visors and playing cards.

Runtime: 98 min / Czeck Republic : -0.56 min (extended edition)
Country: USA, Mountains, That place next to India… what is it… France.

Language: American, howling, Post-industrial Kuwaiti Pidgin, Crunch crunch

Trivia:

• Agatha Christie and John Mctiernan despised each other so much they often resorted to slashing each other in the face with knives. In fact there are not one, not three, but eight scenes during which key points of dialogue are drowned out by the sound of arguements and faces being slashed hard.
• Grunter the Dinosaur was not a real dinosaur, but a complicated system of corpses, ropes, pulleys, and the contents of an underdeveloped, diabetic giraffe’s stomach sac.
• Corey Feldman’s cocaine habit was so strong during filming that it eventually had to be written into the script. Notable scenes include him snorting a line from Principal Darkpump’s dandruff-crusted centre parting, doing a line the size of an average human’s leg whilst swinging from the roof of an ambulance, and an entirely improvised scene where various crew members stand around crying whilst Feldman twitches on the floor covered in white powder mumbling something about the fucking lights of Nebraska not paying their looney gates on time again, fuckshit.
• Actor’s Trademark: Brian Blessed eating a live goat
• Director’s Trademark: Sustained bursts of heavy machine gun fire in slow motion to the sound of fingernails being wiped down a chalkboard (or a marmoset trying to cough up a hairball)
• The hand that Fred Savage uses to pat Grunter’s back whilst consoling him after SuzyYvette has turned him down for the prom is actually an old ham fashioned into a vaguely hand-like shape. If you look closely you can see that there are only four fingers, and stink lines emanating from the top.
• Directors trademark: Shoes having a life of their own when their owners have gone to sleep.
• Directors trademark: Fast motion clips of farmers drop-kicking chickens into swimming pools filled with blood and cheese to the sound of somebody eating a hornet.
• Actors trademark: Raidengator “Numbers” McGee wearing sunglasses on his bottom.
• Raidengator “Numbers” McGee was declared clinically insane after filming wrapped. He had spent most of the shoot trying to eat his trailer and attempting to crap in sleeping crew members ears or mouths.
• The baby cart that Ruudy O’Zoltran tries to sell to Fred Savage during the shootout scene (and which subsequently spontaneously combusted during filming) was a real baby cart and had Brian Blessed’s baby in it. Blessed was quoted as saying “Drat it all, I was going to eat that.”

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: In the eating competition, Fred Savage’s brain can be seen each time he opens his mouth. Also a trumpeting noise sounds whenever he blinks.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Many critics of the movie claim that a dinosaur could not successfully disguise himself as a student for a second, let alone an entire term. These critics however fail to realise that this was the eighties, which gave us flying time machines, half robot half human but all-cops, hover boards, wraparound shades, and awesome.
• Continuity: In the opening scene, Fred Savage’s father is decapitated by a dustbin lid flying across the screen. Blood splashes against the entire cast and the camera zooms in on his gurgling corpse. However in the very next scene, at the Battle of the Bands in the High School, Savage’s father appears not only as himself but as the drummer for “Mounting Confusion” and the (female) singer of “Frustrated Period Glass-ripperz”
• Due to a mixup with the scripts, characters often perform each other’s lines instead of their own. This is most noticeable in the scenes where the character of the dinosaur talks about himself in the third person with an Austrian accent.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Corey Jenkins: Man, I fucking love skiing so bad.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Tell me about it, dude. Fuck, high five my ass.
Corey Jenkins: Hey man… do you see that shit? It’s like a fucking mountain or something.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Bodacious!
Corey Jenkins: Do you want to touch my pee pee?
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: So bad.

——————————

Grunter the Dinosaur (snarling and howling and wearing a large coat. Clearly Fred Savage has stashed himself inside the coat and is talking instead of Grunter.) Hey, um, Suzy. You are like totally hot. So do you wanna go to the prom with me?
Suzy Yvette (twirling gum around her finger): Do you think Chip Strongchin will want to go to the dance with me?
Grunter the Dinosaur (nervous): What, that meathead? Ho ho ho. He’s just a meathead. Not good enough for you. (under his breath:) My sweet, sweet angel.
Suzy Yvette: Yeah, but Yvonne said his dick tastes like candy.
Grunter the Dinosaur (sighing): I wish my dick tasted like candy.
Brian Belcher (suddenly appearing from the boys toilets): What the fuck did you say you fucking freak?
Grunter the Dinosaur (panicking): Look! A spaceship!

——————————

Principle Darkpump: What have you got to say for yourself, Corey?
Corey Jenkins says nothing and kicks the floor.
Principle Darkpump: What did you and that new boy, Grunter, need from the science storage room, anyway?
(Camera zooms in on Jenkins head and an echoing voiceoever sounds:) If only he knew… I needed some formaldehyde to keep Grunter’s skin from falling off due to the effects of being frozen in time!
Principle Darkpump: So, the silent treatment, eh. I have just the thing for silent boys. (Principle Darkpump unzips his trousers and sits on the arm of Jenkins’ chair.)
(Zoom in, off-screen voiceover again:) Time to take one for the team, Corey my boy.

——————————

Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Hey mom, this is my new friend, urr…. Grunter. He’s not a dinosaur or anything.
Mom (playing an N.E.S.): Are you sure? He kind of looks like a dinosaur. I mean he is scaly and has a tail and…
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Goddamit mom you son of a bitch, why do you have to be so hard on me? Is it because Dad left you and you are nothing but a stupid  old witch?
Mom: Did you pick up my beef jerky from the grocery store?
(Grunter hoots and kicks over a vase which smashes on the floor.)
Mom: Nice doggy.

Secret Spies of Terrorism Elite Force Codename: Black covert Ops specialistz

 

Directed by
Marlon Chiggrantz
With
Bette Midler
Keifer Sutherland

Writing credits
Keifer Sutherland
Morgan Cultraper
Breton Guyfrunk
Brandon Gilfrag (metrosexual characters, shopping mall scenes)
Spiritual Advisor: Steven P. Seagal

Second Unit Director
Keifer Sutherland

Produced By
Keifer Sutherland

Financed By
Kiefer Sutherland

Executive Producer
Kiefer Sutherland

Advisor
Kiefer Sutherland

Costumes
Kiefer Sutherland

Score composed, conducted and performed by
Kiefer Sutherland
Brian Eno

Thought up by
Kiefer Sutherland

Awesome scenes choreographed by
Kiefer Sutherland
Steven H. Seagal

Heavy Breathing Voice-overs provided by
Kiefer Sutherland

Genre: Action / Adventure / Spy / Espionage / Thriller / Bestiality / Documentary / Kiefer Sutherland / Musical / Assasination attempts / Cooking / Heavy Breathing (more)

Tagline: The fate of the country rests in the hands of one man. And that’s the way he likes it. (more)

Plot Outline: It’s the near future, and ties between the mighty USA and the weaselly New Russian Federation are fraying like a frayed rope that was used to tie up a bunch of stuff but is now fraying badly and the stuff might fall out. President Killgooch, latest in a long line of leaders from the respectable and incredibly wealthy Killgooch family, is steering the country towards a new era in wealthiness and powerfulness and aweseomicity. Vice President Silverwolf has an agenda of his own, however… an evil agenda. Unbeknownst to the President and loads of other people in power, Silverwolf wants to take over the entire country, rename it United States of Silverwolf Rules, and murder the president also. Silverwolf is in cahoots with Premier Chalkronokikabov of New Russia. It is up to Gorfox Crudebolt, Cheif Commanding Officer of the President’s Super Private Elite Anti-terrorism Guard Force, to protect the President (Killgooch) in the lead up to the country’s largest ever election in history ever. Can Crudebolt complete his job, foil the plot to assasinate the president, and keep his crumbling homosexual marriage intact? And what about his relationship with his estranged child/dog hybrid, Sampooch?

User Comments:
“In the final scene you can see Steven Seagal sitting the lotus pose behind the left tit of the Statue of Liberty.”

“this movie sucked so hard my teets fell off.” – Angry Mother

“I hate them terrorists. lets just drop a bomb on the cmiddle east nad be done with it yhear!” Pernippity B. Wallshack

User Rating: 3.3/10 (2,364 votes)

Cast overview

President Killgooch
Richard Dreyfussh

Vice President Silverwolf
Reuben Charred-felix-drapers

Gorfox Crudebolt
Keifer Sutherland

Maltron Crudebolt (in robotic form)
Donald Sutherland

Premier Chalkronokikabov
Dolph Lundgren

Senator Johnny Pain
Jesse Ventura

Senator Grundle
A piece of rotting carpet

Mamma Z “Ooop” (Lady Funka-momma Queen byotch)
Missy Elliot’s Left Buttock

Butcher Bob
Prootenstank Gallflob

Rupert McHollycrabble
Peter Sellers
Cousin Turbine-face
Macaroni Housebland

Luna, spirit of the night
Cher
Sin Kar Won (Master of Deadly Fight Artz)
Brady O’Brady

Also Known As:
Spy Laughing (USA) (working title)
I Spy (USA) (working title)
Spie est ein Spie Underpantz (GRM)
Hola! El Spyola es en me Hosiers! (SPN)

MPAA: Rated PG for close-up footage of people’s necks being karate-chopped and shit, long scenes where chickens headbutt each other’s asses pretty hard, and foul language eminating from a hole in Keifer Sutherland’s face.
Runtime: 178 min / USA:11 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / MNG / Some Mountains and That (next to a river)

Language: American

Trivia:

• The character of Vice President Silverwolf was originally to be played by a grand piano, however complications arose when the silver wig kept sliding off the piano’s shiny surface.
• Keifer Sutherland insisted on using live bullets in all the shootout scenes, resulting in multiple crew member deaths.
• Keifer Sutherland’s nose was so large and pockmarked, crew members repeatedly tried to park their cars in it, resulting in mutliple deaths.
• Actor’s Trademark: Kiefer Sutherland shouting “THERE’S NO TIME” whilst firing a gun
• Director’s Trademark: Slow pans of what appears to be naked bodies writhing against each other, only to zoom out and reveal raw sausages in a blender covered in oil.
• During the shootout scene on the White House, Keifer Sutherland can be seen backlfipping from the roof with a shotgun in one hand and a mobile phone in the other. However in the very same scene he is in the foreground feeding his own legs to a goat.
• Directors trademark: Shoes having a life of their own when their owners have gone to sleep.
• Directors trademark: Comedy at innapropriate times: Inthe scene where Silverwolf is threatening to disembowel the president’s wife with a spork, a pig cycles past on a unicycle whistling “Away in a manger”
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfush being incredibly short and having tiny, beady little eyes.

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: In the scene where Keifer Sutherland uses a jet-bike to escape from the clutches of Premier Chalkronokikabov, his spare leg can be seen dangling by a thread from his shoulder.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Premier Chalkronokikabov having a Bolivian accent. The character is Russian, but in fact grew up in the Czech Republic although he might have had a Bolivian aunt, perhaps.
• Stand-ins are used for 83% of the film. Most noticeable are Keifer Sutherland’s stand in, who is an elderly black lady, and Steven Seagal, who plays 11 other characters.

Quotes:
[first lines]
President Killgooch: (Yawning and waking up) Good morning Silverwolf! What’s the news today?
Vice President Silverwolf: (rubbing his fingers together evilly and whispering under his breath) Oh nothing, you fool, except that I am going to assasinate you and sell this country to Russia!
Gorfox Crudebolt: (fingering his gun) What did you say, you snake in the grass?
Vice President Silverwolf: (hissing) Good day to you, sir! I’ll take my eggs in the pantry, with the slaves!

——————————

Gorfox Crudebolt: Mr President, sir, I don’t trust Silverwolf as far as I could throw him. And that’s pretty not far at all, if you get my meaning. I injured my shoulder playing squash, so… (fingering his gun)
President Killgooch: Do you have an erection, Crudebolt?
Gorfox Crudebolt: Sir! No I do not! I mean… unless you want me to?
(senator johnny pain bursts through the door, defusing the strange tension in the room)
Senator Johnny Pain: (highfiving himself) Who wants some motherfucking steak! (he tears a bite out of an imaginary steak)

——————————

Lucky Star 2: Happy go Lucky

Start with a closeup of a pig eating from a trough. Hard rock music plays hard. Quick zoom in on the pig food, then zoom out up to the stars as a guitar / drum solo wails hard. The pig can be heard squealing a little. A cutout of Patrick Swayze appears in the corner of the screen and begins singing the theme song, “When you can catch upon a lucky star”. He grunts out the words in his husky voice:

“When you can catch upon a lucky star,
You know just where I’ll be.
When you need somebody to hug, yeah baby
That’s where I’ll be.”

Slow fade in from black to the sound of an incredibly tall man headbutting a jar of marmalade played slow motion and in reverse. The scene is a college american football game. People are cheering and drinking beers and hot dogs in slow motion. It is night. The two teams, the Mougenbrockern Raiders and the Toollahassee Sequins, are tied 156 to 156 in the 7th quarter. PatrickSwayze fades off screen but you can still hear the theme tune.

“You gotta reach deep down inside yourself,
And find your inner American soul,
Like the pilgrims did all those years ago,
And then you never let me go”

The word “Go” drags out really long and some synth noises followed by a hard, driving snare beat zork into the speakers at brain-jellifying volumes. Patrick swayze flashes onto the screen for half a second, his eyes closed, hair large and permed, with his fist clenched in front of his breast. He falls to his knees and fades away. The singing continues as the camera zooms in on:
CHIP LEZNAR played by Chuck Norris. Despite playing a college football player, he has a full grown beard and a thousand-yard stare that could kill a bear from 15 miles away. He smirks and throws the football which slams into another players skull causing his legs to blast off his body in different directions and his face to melt. Another player pulls off his mask and the camera zooms in on his face. Freeze frame and it’s Steven Seagal playing MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD. “My inheritance is bigger than yours, assface,” says Seagal. Two huge football players come to tackle him and he sidesteps, grabs one by the ear and the other by the kneecap, steps, twists, shoves and the players land in a heap next to them with their limbs rearranged and their hair on backwards. Seagal and Norris slam their helmets back on their heads so hard that they sink about 10cm into the turf and say in unison “It’s game time. Let’s get it on!”

Quick montage of the rest of the game with Patrick Swayze superimposed in glowing white in the corner of the screen, still singing. Seagal slams into a random player in slow motion who does a backflip before splitting apart like a ripe banana.

“When you think you can’t go on no more,”

Cut to a close up of Norris grinning behind his faceplate. Then zoom out to see that he is standing on a huge pile of dead bodies wearing football uniforms and tossing a ball up in the air. “Come and get it lard-ass,” he says.

“I don’t wanna hear that goddam crap. Suck it up and remember…”

Split screen showing Seagal running towards Norris. Bodies are flying everywhere like ragdolls and random buckets of blood are splashing against the screen and/or your face.

“You got to wish upon your lucky star…”

The two athletes approach each other and the camera zooms out to show the night sky where a shooting star flies across the screen accompanied by the sound of a tramp throwing a cat in the bin.

“And baby that’s where I’ll be…”

Cut to the after party in some big rich slob’s mansion. Seagal and Norris are sipping champagne and flirting with hot babes whilst glaring at each other murderously across the room. Their glare is so intense that one guy accidentally walks in between them when they were staring at each other and promptly a red line appears across his body, then his chest, head and arms slide off and fall to the floor and a fountain of blood and guts sprays out of his decapitated body, showering party-goers in ropy gore which is awesome. Norris and Seagal continue staring at each other throught the fountain of blood. A close up of the blood, combined with a soft-focus split screen shot of Seagal and Norris’s face and the sound of a carpenter bashing a terrapin against a wooden fence, will give the audience the strong feeling of some kind of high-level symbology with a hidden deeper meaning going on. CHIP LEZNAR’s best friend TRIPP MCWILLIAMS says “Hey man are we gonna win the state championships or what? And when are you gonna bone MELISSA CHOAD-HEART. She wants your cock.”

CHIP LEZNAR (Norris) grins and sidekicks a random party-goer so hard he explodes like a watermelon that has been put in the microwave. “That bitch is mine,” he says, extra-loud, still staring sideways at MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD (Seagal.) MARCUS hears this and freaks out, crushing his glass in his hand which explodes and then rubbing the shards of glass in some chick’s face. He stands up and the music stops with that KKKKEEESRCH sound that happens when the needle is suddenly pulled off a record. Partygoers pause midsentence and stare at Seagal and Norris, who are breathing so hard that their nostril hairs are blowing out about 10cm from their face and then inverting and going down their throat pretty hard. Somebody says to Seagal “Chill out dude, have a cocktai—” but he gets cut off mid sentence as Seagal knife-hands him in the throat (still looking only at Chuck Norris) causing his head to fall off and then a dog walks in the patio doors and sniffs the head, then takes a wizz on the head, then howls. Somebody pats Chuck Norris on the shoulder and says “I think you shoul—” but gets cut off as Norris’s foot swivels round at an unnatural angle and zooms up underneath his chin, kicking him hard in the face, then in the ear, lastly in the neck twice causing the guy to vomit and then die.

Freeze frame on this scene of utmost tension. PAtrick Swayze appears breifly wearing diapers and sucking his thumb.

“LUCKY STAR 2” Slams into the screen to the sound of a hampster sitting on a chair being thrown through a window. “HAPPY GO LUCKY” appears underneath as if being spray painted on with a green aerosol can. Screen fades to black and a cutout of Patrick Swayze walks on done on a really bad bluescreen with a thick white outline. He looks at the camera and makes two guns out of his hands, pretends to shoot the camera, then blows imaginary smoke from the ends of his fingers. Freeze frame on him then a shooting star flies across the scene with a noise like a firework.

DIRECTED BY HUMBERT CHOO-KRANTZ headbutts the screen so hard your willy shrivels up and your balls burst.

Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez (1986)

Directed by
Steven Seagal
James Earl Jones
The artist formerly known as Prince, then as just a squiggly line, now as Prince again under the pseudonym of Earl Nicholas Pilchard-Chip-Granblerzz

Writing credits
Steven Seagal (including soundtrack) and
Mick Jagger (characters)
Rupert Everett (Second Draft, all homosexual characters, animal noises)…
(more)

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / hip-hop Educational (more)

Tagline: These robotic bitchez does be dronin’!(more)

Plot Outline: On an abandoned mining facility in Neo-Saudi Arabia far in the future, a Hyper Dronez manufacturing plant is the setting for an all out war between Razzy Ladytron with his band of motley space-pirates, and the Hyper Dronez, hip-hip robots sent back from even further in the future to wreck some shit hardcore.

User Comments: “Futuristic Sci-fi action hip hop is the best genre EVEr.” (more)

“the director has a boner for chase scenes. Which is ok I GUESS” – Razorface

User Rating: 8.3/10 (86,364 votes) top 250: #70

Cast overview, first billed only:

Razzy Ladytron
Chazz Palminteri

Michael Jordan
Chargrill Charlie

Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson
Stephen Seagal

General Daglon Killshit
Corey Feldman (with large shoulder pads)

Grandal Tooflegart
Rupert Murdoch / Arnold Swarchenegger

Abraham Zarflog (Hyper Drone)
Mustapha P. Warsaw

Creshno Murderstank (Hyper Drone)
Leeroy J. Musketstab

Indian Yoga Expert
Rahjeen Parvel III (“Boopy”)

Person who turns up late for rollerskating event:
James Woods

Grandma Chickenscarfer
Drew Barrymore (in disguise)

Rotating Knives Man
Kurt Russel

Gorgonzola Beast-droid
Richard Dreyfuss

Resurrected Dinosaur-Bot “Chompy 2000″
Andy Peters

Also Known As:
Drone that Bitches Ass (USA) (working title)
Murderous Robots II (USA) (working title)
Der Mekanikz Ein Shooting (GRM)

MPAA: Rated R for robotic violence, lethal hip hop moves and razor sharp facial hair including colourful language and gratuitous depictions of robots being molested by goats and/or pencil sharpeners. (1992 special edition)
Runtime: 178 min / USA:154 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / UK / Sizzling Fleshland

Language: English, Ebonics, Marsian, Various squelches and rubbing noises, gutteral wailing, soul poetry

Trivia:

• The Hyper Drones were built from scratch every day out of used clown wigs and melted sassafrazz (freshly squeezed)
• The moves used in the dance off in the final scene were developed by an actual hip hop robot that the cast and crew nicknamed “Clanky Jeffrey” on account of the mechanical noises he made when dancing, making love, or just not doing anything at all. It should be noted that the hip hop robot was slightly rusted and smelled of burning cheese.
• In between the first chase scene, where the Hyper Dronez are chasing General Killshit (in hovercars) from the Maximum Security Prison to the Alien Cantina, and the seventh chase scene where General Killshit’s bio-genetically engineered Super Llama Android on a hoverbike is chasing Rotating Knives Man (on a hoverboard) from the HyperBall Stadium to the Interplanetary Spaceport, there was initally to be a non-chase-scene scene involving many of the characters doing everyday activities such as rollerblading, shopping, replacing solar powered roof tiles, raising livestock and heabutting each other. However this scene was dropped in favour of another chase scene because it was deemed “too un-chase-scene-like” to be included, and the director though that it needed “more of a chase-scene feeling”. As a result, all non-chase-scene scenes were replaced with chase scenes except for the scenes where characters are a)fighting b)arguing or c)stomping on each other’s necks or faces really, really hard (as these were deemed by the director to be “close enough in feeling to a chase-scene scene to be included alongside the other chase scenes.”). In this case, the non-chase-scene scene was replaced with a chase scene depicting Lazerstaxxx Ronson on a hoverbicycle chasing General Killshit (on a hover-disc) AND the Hyper Dronez (levitating) from the Bio-Domes in sector 4 to the Chemical Android Processing Factory of Hyper-Power. Twice.
• Director’s Trademark: Robotic lead characters perform long soliloquys while other cast members stay frozen in one place
• Actor’s Trademark: Steven Seagal employing at least three different ethnic dialects ranging from black to hispanic to mexican to native american, including a mixture of all four.
• Director’s Trademark: Close ups of twin suns setting while soft synth music plays hard in the background, followed by a bucket of blood splashing onto the screen.
• When both teams are warming up for the Death-blood Bowl Cup competition, Corey Feldman can be seen in the background pulling his trousers down and waving his buttocks in Steven Seagal’s face. This was not in the script. Seagal, attempting to stay in character as “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson, took out his hyper-blaster and shot Feldman, causing his buttocks to melt off. Just before the scene cuts you can see a stray dog coming to sniff the remains of Feldman, and Seagal high-fiving with Arnold Swarchenegger.
• Directors trademark: Animals being set on fire while country rock music plays.
• Directors trademark: Long, drawn out barbecue scenes which inevitably end up with characters accidentally roasting, and dining on, their own limbs.
• Directors trademark: Opening sequence involves hidden camera footage of one or more crew members taking huge dumps
• The artificial leg that Grandma Chickenscarfer uses to ultimately defeat Gorgonzola Beast-droid was made entirely out of frozen blood. It sold on Ebay for $15 and recieved the comment “SPEEDY DELIVERY BUT BLOOD WAS MELTED wuold not buy from seller again…..”
• Actors Trademark: James Woods tearing off his shirt and screaming during a president or political figure’s campaign speech
• Directors Trademark: Climax of movie is filmed in sausage-making factory (see “Revenge of Blood Death 12″ and “Escape back to Return of Monkey Mountain 3″)
• Director’s trademark: Human feet replaced by hoofs during chase scenes
• Director’s trademark: Young children operating heavy lifting equipment (cranes, diggers etc.) and listening to gangsta rap
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfuss getting a killboner during his death scene
• Actor’s trademark: Drew Barrymore dining on the skulls of those who oppose her

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: When the Hyper Dronez say the magic words (“POWER TO COMBINE MAGICALLY FOR ADVANCED MECHANICAL ROBOT DESTRUCTION”) and high five and begin transforming, you can clearly see the wires holding their arms up in the air while somebody else (most likely a crew member) tucks there shirts into their pants and says “there there, there there, mummy will be here soon. Shh. Shh.”
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The first fifteen minutes of the film is footage of Susan McTillgrit (second unit director) in the toilet with a bad case of diarrheoa. (See director’s trademark above)
• Steven Seagal’s pacemaker sets off the fire alarm during the penultimate chase scene, dousing cast and crew in water. Filming continued as nobody wanted to draw attention to the weakness of such a strong, commanding figure.
• James Woods character occasionally played by a worm
• During the beach barbecue scene, James Woods can be seen eating a leg of ham. As the camera cuts between him and Razzy Ladytron, the ham in his hand changes into a half-melted accordion for a brief moment.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Razzy Ladytron (sweeping his arm out in front of him): Look, Space Pirates. Look. A fresh city for us to plunder.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: Excellent. I love plundering.
Grandal Tooflegart (squinting into the distance): Are those… Hyper Dronez?
Razzy Ladytron: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There hasn’t been any Hyper Dronez in all the galaxy since the year five million twelve.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: They kind of look like Hyper Dronez to me, boss. Crunching ones at that.
Razzy Ladytron: Shit.
Gorgonzola Beast-droid: Does this mean there won’t be any plundering?

——————————

Rotating Knives Man: Listen, pal. I risked my neck to give you this information, so the least you could do is sharpen my rotating knives.
Creshno Murderstank (tapping his robotic finger on a table): Don’t get me wrong, Rotating Knives Man. We Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez appreciate your… generosity. But I will not sharpen your blades, for fear of you turning against us and cutting us.
Rotating Knives Man (sweating blood): Damn. DAMN YOU ALL, CURSED MACHINES! Can you at least give me some oil?
Creshno Murderstank: No.
——————————

Michael Jordan: Looks like it’s just us against the hordes of Hyper Dronez.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson: Yeah. Just the way I like it. Bring it on, you tin-covered bastards!
General Daglon Killshit: You say that now, but I guarantee you’re gonna be crying like a little baby when those Hyper Dronez start busting moves on your ass. You ain’t never seen hip hop shapes like these.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson (opening his jacket to reveal a sparkling cube): We’ll see, General. We’ll see.
General Daglon Killshit (shocked): Oh my… oh my god. Is that… is that the Zarflax Cube?
Michael Jordan: Maybe we do have a chance…
(the characters high five and stand up)
(more)

Awards: Won 17 Oscars, including “Best Hip Hop Educational Crossover”, “Best Gun Noises During Underwater Scene”, “Most Uses of the word ‘Hyper’ in a Minute”, “Longest End Credits”, and “Most Awesomest Script”. Another 15 wins & 21 nominations (more)

FAQ:
- If the Hyper Dronez run on Solar Power, how come they choose to mount their final attack at night?
- If General Killshit was really a Hyper Drone in disguise, how come his legs fall off in the last seconds of the movie? (more)