intro sequence: knight rider car cruising around in some fog, slips on some oil and carriers of a cliff top into a big ball of hay in a field below, lands softly but then explodes. close up of a chard golf/driving glove on a mangled hand its Michael Knights. A dodgy shadow of a man with a boner and a hamster on his shoulder appears near the wreckage. end of intro sequence.
Interior shot, day, porno filter for this whole scene (wide angle): Seagal has just finished pumping himself hard in the gym and is wandering around in his velvet cat suit complete with sweat marks in all the wrongest places. He approaches his “in appartment” bar where Chico (wearing a yellow Mr.T t-shirt) is admiring his older, portly flat mate.
Seagal saunters closer (Close up) : “ehhhhh…qui passa chico? be a good boy and pour me a rubbarb and lime pickle soda will ya” (back to two shot) as chico turns to reach for the rubbarb mixer seagal reaches over the bar and administers a quick chop to the back of chicos neck which is followed immediatley by a sharp cracking sound and mumbles “Ya little pussy fart”.
Chico wobbles but is unphased by this, Seagal simply gazes on with one raised eyebrow gurning down at his puerto rican flat mate towel over his shoulder. Chico turns back holding a ready made cocktail with both hands complete with umbrellas and naked lady swizzle stick trying not to drop it as Seagal slowly slaps his cheeks.
Chico : “der ju go buddy dlink up”
Seagal : “ehhh Thanks…next time dont take so long…you little shit stain”
Chico : laughing through his nose “oh dank ju ah ha ha dank ju”
Chico suddenly starts to twitch violently, frothing at the mouth, his bladder has clearly gone into prolaps he shakes, judders and then turns inside out. Seagal walks casually away laughing to himself “I love that guy…what a shit magnet.”
Interior shot television room. Seagal purches himself on a leather sculpture of buddha and switches on the T.V.
Seagal flicking through the channels “crap, fuck, sphincter, dick, shit, testicle”
he stops, fixed on the news channel which is showing a burnt out knight rider car. clearly shocked by whats on T.V. Turning his glass horizontally Seagal pours his drink all over himself slowly and says through his gurn (close up)”…Mother-fuck-ing crap-sticks…”
FADE TO ORANGE!
very hard to shoot at….
Scene 5.
seagal says ‘MOTHERFUCKing crap sticks’ 17 more times, with his foot slowly stamping on the floor. The foot speeds up, stops, then slows down again, crushing some miscellaneous peanuts underfoot. then he has a shower and decides to investigate the mysterious television report. He cant get the image of the burnt out knight rider car out of his head, combined with the haunting image of a man popping a giant boner with a hampster on his neck. Seagal flies to the channel 7 news room to have ‘a friendly discussion’ with the newsreporter. He flies there quickly, humming the theme tune to dukes of hazard and crushing walnuts with his testicles as he flies.
Scene 12.5
Wide angle, establishing shot of a fat security guard chewing on a burger or something. Seagal flies down to the floor next to him with a burping noise. The security guard is totally stupid and carries on eating his burger. Seagal calmly strolls up to him and taps him on the back. ‘hey fatso’ says seagal. Cut to the close up of the security guards face. Crumbs and pieces of burger fall out of his mouth onto the floor. His mouth says ‘not you again…’ but it is already too late for him. Seagal spins around and rams his heel into the upper-left quadrant of the guys brain, causing his teeth to fly out and explode. The guy falls to his knees and seagal says ‘bone appetit’ before chopping him really hard on the shoulder. Snoop doggy dogg appears from out of nowhere and slaps 5 with seagal pretty hard. They pimp some ho’s together for about 15 minutes until seagal gets bored and says ‘get the hizzle out of here before I rizzip you a new azzas hole.’ Snoop is like ‘whatever’ and disappears in a puff of green smoke.
Seagal brushes off some dirt from his suit and walks out of the rubble towards the channel 7 news building, simultaneously burping and farting with each alternate step. Some stray dogs smell this and begin following him, imitating his movements…
Scene 72 act nine, page three colum four, third row from the left:
Exterior shot (outside) Seagal reaches the front of the channel 7 news building and his trousers fall down, the dogs dispurse and he bends down to pick his trousers up. As he is bending down he sees a key to the front door under a plant pot, he farts and says “Well i’ll be a monkeys bitch factory…mamas gotta new pair of lamas” he gently lifts the plant pot removes the key then smashes the plant pot on the ground hard. ThenWalks up to the glass double doors of the building holding the key and walks straight through a plate glass window next to them.
Interior Shot reception area: He brushes off some trees, twigs and a dolphin and strides towards the receptionist, a nervous work experience girl who is hiding behind a computer, he puts his boner on the counter and whispers something inaudible. “Im sorry” says the receptionist leaning closer to Seagal. (Seagal shouting) “IN CHINA… THERE ONCE WAS A MAN WITH A CROOKED CHIN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO A MAN WITH A CROOKED CHIN… IN CHINA !?” Seagal raises one eyebrow and gurns as if he is trying to swallow his own face, the receptionist opens her mouth to answer but Seagal is too quick and grabs her head and twists it like a rubics cube. He finally solves it and the girl slumps behind her desk with one ear in the middle of her forehead and a nostril at the back of her neck.
Seagal shoots the button for the lift, then throws a knife at it and then finally slaps it with his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth the whole time. Twenty minutes later the lift arrives, badly beaten. The doors open and Seagal steps forward into somebodys fist, too slow to avoid it he blocks it with his face…
Fade to a pulsating green colour.
Fade back in.
We see seagal lying naked on the floor in a dirt prison cell. a small dog is doing a poop in the corner of the cell and you can hear llamas braying loudly outside the window. this guard walks past and taps his gun against the bars. as he does this, the dog explodes. seagal is definately trapped by the evil channel 7 executives. there must be a connection between them, hampster-boner man and micheal knight. what is it?
as seagal is contemplating the situation, he hears a strange scraping noise. this soon goes away. next thing you know, the guard has come into the room and is slowly headbutting a cheesecake into the floor. seagal recognises this as a chance to escape, and begins whistling the emergency CIA whistle (a plastic device embedded in his left nostril when he joined the CIA.) the high pitched whistle commences, which only llamas and CIA agents can hear. the llamas outside begin charging into the wall of the prison, reacting to the whistle noise. seagal blows as hard as he can, causing some of the llama’s pancreases to implode a bit. but the really big daddy llama is like ‘enough of this shit’ and charges into the prison wall so hard it crumbles with a soft parping noise. the llama is pissed because his pancreas nearly imploded. but when the smoke clears, seagal is nowhere to be seen. all that remains is a sculpture made from studioline styling mousse mixed with orange peel and a classical music CD. (the camera will pan upwards to the sky now, where we can see steven seagal flying through the clouds with loud pump up music playing!) a few minutes later some CIA agents arrive but the llamas just kill them.
Scene 555.25
As seagal is flying, munching on a pigeon, he suddenly spots a still smoking car wreckage someplace. obviously seagal is like ‘BULLSEYE!’ and flies down swiftly, landing next to the car.
‘hmm so this is the infamous car from the tv show and news program which exploded. excellent.’ he does a backflip onto the top of the car and starts rocking out hard to some serious pump up music which is playing loudly. within seconds, a strange shadow is moving across the hill next to him. seagal slowly winds down the rocking out to a mellow kind of air guitar, looking interestedly at the shadow… high overhead, a vulture suddenly dies for no reason at all…
Zoom into close up of Seagal with a swooshing sound, zoom out again to show his trousers fall down and his boner pop out and zoom back in again with swooshing sound to his shoulder as he ducks down to pull his trousers up, fix the zoom button and cut to me having a donut for three frames of the film. Then cut back to a wide angle shot of a sinister looking winabeigo with a sculpture of J.R. Youing from the hit TV show Dallas on top of it. The sculpture also has a stuffed hamster on its shoulder (it was his favourite, it was called peaches).
Seagal : “looky what we have here…a bunch of , Chico you son of a bitch.”
From out of nowhere with the chariots of fire music playing in his corvette Chico pulls up next to the burnt out wreckage wearing a neck brace and a yellow A-team t-shirt : “Si seniour Seagal.” he kills the engine and the music.
Seagal : “Hand me the lama beads, the blue ones…yeah” close up of seagals eyes with swooshing sound then close up of his hand waiting for the lama beads.
A voice shouts over a random intercom ” Seagal you stupid son of a biitch! im gonna show you this time, whose the king of the 80′s…and it aint Mr.T or Michael Knight – You pony tail wearing motherfucker!”
Seagal looking around confused trying to recognise the voice mumbling slowly and gurning HARD “it is Mr.T… no…”
The Winabeigo doors burst open and low and behold CHUCK NORRIS appears from within and does that hand shake from “over the top” where they kind of arm wrestle for a bit…so its not a friendly hand shake, its very competative and both parties wet themselves a little…Seagl says something like “it aint the 80s anymorrre” through grit teeth, then let go.
Chuck Norris retorts : “try telling that to yourself you cravat loving lady boy.” Chico is laughing in the car at something spanish on the radio, Seagal leans over and pokes his finger into one of chicos eyes slowly the fast at the last second…laughing (also at the something spanish) he says “give me the frickin beads chicooo” trying to remain serious.
Chico hands Him the beads and returns to listening to the radio with one badly bruised eye. Then his sphincter dicsconbobulates, inplodes, then recombobulates. He convulses then sneezes up some blood, wipes it away and twitches a little.
Seagal and Norris eyeball each other for what seems like ages then a guitar wails hard in the background seagal gurns then mumbles “now im gonna show you what these beads are really for” Norris winces and says “oh come on that is so-!”.Fade to mint choc chip or hispanic magenta…!!!
Fade to green with a hint of gorgonzola. Godzilla temporarily charges across the screen humbly eating a cheesecake. fade back to purple combined with someone’s teeth, which explode. As the dust settles, we see the two warriors facing each other and gurning pretty hard…
The final battle…
Seagal is like ‘this place is lame, let’s do it in style!’ and suddenly they both evoparate. Fade to sparkling orange colour, fade back in and they are in an abandoned warehouse somewhere in the 80’s. Seagal is wearing a leather jacket with felt tassles, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, some super tight jeans and has various tibetan beads around his neck. Chuck norris is wearing a badly ripped karate uniform with pictures of micheal j. fox sown onto the back, and some high heels. They both look at each other hard and nod. Some serious distorted 80’s guitar noises begin to wail hard in the background, then in the foreground. ‘Its on!’ says chuck norris. Zoom to close up of seagals nostrils with a crunching noise. The hairs sway in the breeze. Cut to chuck norris’s chest hair, also swaying. A synth drum beat kicks in with occasional ‘zoorp’ sounds. They both begin tapping their feet on the floor, hard. Suddenly norris makes the first move, flying up into the air, shouting KIAAAAIII!!! And attempting to punch seagals cowboy hat. Seagal calmly allows him to do so, knowing full well that his hat contains a hidden boner. As chuck norris punches the hidden superhard boner, seagal laughs and his hat rips in half revealing said boner. Chuck norris states ‘HOLY CRAP!’ before backflipping into a large dustbin. Seizing the opportunity, seagal turns round and runs for the exit. Zoom to a close up of chuck norris’s forehead with a slooshing noise. The forehead dissapears so the audience can see his brain. You hear the brain say in an echoing voice ‘ha! That big baby, I knew it!’ then cut to seagals butt. His pants fade out so that the audience can see the butt, which states ‘frrrt!’ and a large turd comes out. The turd lands on the floor and grows legs, and runs fast along the floor to chuck norris. It begins dancing in front of him. Norris is mesmerised by the dancing crap, which was seagals plan all along. He opens the warehouse door and mr. T, Doc Emmet Brown, and arnold swarchennegler come in. He slaps five with all of them quite hard. Jean claude van damme tries to sneak in behind them, but seagal is like ‘No’ and punches him hard in the medulla oblongata, slamming the door in his face. Cut back to norris, who is clapping and singing with the dancing turd. He looks up and realises he has fallen for the oldest trick in the book! He stamps on the turd and stands up, obviously rattled by the whole situation.
Seagal and his buddies say ‘lets do this thing’ in unison. They run over to norris. Cut to a close up of a pigeon in the rafters. The pigeon craps fairly hard. Camera follows the crap as it falls down to the people below who are all fighting each other. The crap simultanously splits into seven pieces. A bit lands in norris’s eyeball. He falls to the floor, screaming. Swarchenegler and emmet brown start laughing but some poops goes in their eyes too and they writhe about in agony before exploding, twice. Seagal decides to kill mr T for no reason at all, by elbowing his pancreas with all his might. He rips off one of mr t’s arms and uses it as a makeshift club, beating norris’s ass badly. He wipes some sweat from his brow and goes to the exit of the warehouse. Some 80’s synth music wails fairly softly, indicating a happy ending. He opens the door and sees van damme nursing his injured medula oblongata. Seagal says ‘ Can you ever forgive me?’ and van damme replies ‘of course baby!’ and they high five each other harder than ever. They jump into a pink cadillac and drive off into the blazing afternoon sun, which explodes.
Camera zooms out slowly, then in, out a tiny bit, before exploding HARD!
THE END!
- me and hobo got so pumped writing this script that the entire population of croatia imploded for no reason at all. I also kicked a hole in a wall, twice. This script is awesome.
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