Secret Spies of Terrorism Elite Force Codename: Black covert Ops specialistz

 

Directed by
Marlon Chiggrantz
With
Bette Midler
Keifer Sutherland

Writing credits
Keifer Sutherland
Morgan Cultraper
Breton Guyfrunk
Brandon Gilfrag (metrosexual characters, shopping mall scenes)
Spiritual Advisor: Steven P. Seagal

Second Unit Director
Keifer Sutherland

Produced By
Keifer Sutherland

Financed By
Kiefer Sutherland

Executive Producer
Kiefer Sutherland

Advisor
Kiefer Sutherland

Costumes
Kiefer Sutherland

Score composed, conducted and performed by
Kiefer Sutherland
Brian Eno

Thought up by
Kiefer Sutherland

Awesome scenes choreographed by
Kiefer Sutherland
Steven H. Seagal

Heavy Breathing Voice-overs provided by
Kiefer Sutherland

Genre: Action / Adventure / Spy / Espionage / Thriller / Bestiality / Documentary / Kiefer Sutherland / Musical / Assasination attempts / Cooking / Heavy Breathing (more)

Tagline: The fate of the country rests in the hands of one man. And that’s the way he likes it. (more)

Plot Outline: It’s the near future, and ties between the mighty USA and the weaselly New Russian Federation are fraying like a frayed rope that was used to tie up a bunch of stuff but is now fraying badly and the stuff might fall out. President Killgooch, latest in a long line of leaders from the respectable and incredibly wealthy Killgooch family, is steering the country towards a new era in wealthiness and powerfulness and aweseomicity. Vice President Silverwolf has an agenda of his own, however… an evil agenda. Unbeknownst to the President and loads of other people in power, Silverwolf wants to take over the entire country, rename it United States of Silverwolf Rules, and murder the president also. Silverwolf is in cahoots with Premier Chalkronokikabov of New Russia. It is up to Gorfox Crudebolt, Cheif Commanding Officer of the President’s Super Private Elite Anti-terrorism Guard Force, to protect the President (Killgooch) in the lead up to the country’s largest ever election in history ever. Can Crudebolt complete his job, foil the plot to assasinate the president, and keep his crumbling homosexual marriage intact? And what about his relationship with his estranged child/dog hybrid, Sampooch?

User Comments:
“In the final scene you can see Steven Seagal sitting the lotus pose behind the left tit of the Statue of Liberty.”

“this movie sucked so hard my teets fell off.” – Angry Mother

“I hate them terrorists. lets just drop a bomb on the cmiddle east nad be done with it yhear!” Pernippity B. Wallshack

User Rating: 3.3/10 (2,364 votes)

Cast overview

President Killgooch
Richard Dreyfussh

Vice President Silverwolf
Reuben Charred-felix-drapers

Gorfox Crudebolt
Keifer Sutherland

Maltron Crudebolt (in robotic form)
Donald Sutherland

Premier Chalkronokikabov
Dolph Lundgren

Senator Johnny Pain
Jesse Ventura

Senator Grundle
A piece of rotting carpet

Mamma Z “Ooop” (Lady Funka-momma Queen byotch)
Missy Elliot’s Left Buttock

Butcher Bob
Prootenstank Gallflob

Rupert McHollycrabble
Peter Sellers
Cousin Turbine-face
Macaroni Housebland

Luna, spirit of the night
Cher
Sin Kar Won (Master of Deadly Fight Artz)
Brady O’Brady

Also Known As:
Spy Laughing (USA) (working title)
I Spy (USA) (working title)
Spie est ein Spie Underpantz (GRM)
Hola! El Spyola es en me Hosiers! (SPN)

MPAA: Rated PG for close-up footage of people’s necks being karate-chopped and shit, long scenes where chickens headbutt each other’s asses pretty hard, and foul language eminating from a hole in Keifer Sutherland’s face.
Runtime: 178 min / USA:11 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / MNG / Some Mountains and That (next to a river)

Language: American

Trivia:

• The character of Vice President Silverwolf was originally to be played by a grand piano, however complications arose when the silver wig kept sliding off the piano’s shiny surface.
• Keifer Sutherland insisted on using live bullets in all the shootout scenes, resulting in multiple crew member deaths.
• Keifer Sutherland’s nose was so large and pockmarked, crew members repeatedly tried to park their cars in it, resulting in mutliple deaths.
• Actor’s Trademark: Kiefer Sutherland shouting “THERE’S NO TIME” whilst firing a gun
• Director’s Trademark: Slow pans of what appears to be naked bodies writhing against each other, only to zoom out and reveal raw sausages in a blender covered in oil.
• During the shootout scene on the White House, Keifer Sutherland can be seen backlfipping from the roof with a shotgun in one hand and a mobile phone in the other. However in the very same scene he is in the foreground feeding his own legs to a goat.
• Directors trademark: Shoes having a life of their own when their owners have gone to sleep.
• Directors trademark: Comedy at innapropriate times: Inthe scene where Silverwolf is threatening to disembowel the president’s wife with a spork, a pig cycles past on a unicycle whistling “Away in a manger”
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfush being incredibly short and having tiny, beady little eyes.

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: In the scene where Keifer Sutherland uses a jet-bike to escape from the clutches of Premier Chalkronokikabov, his spare leg can be seen dangling by a thread from his shoulder.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Premier Chalkronokikabov having a Bolivian accent. The character is Russian, but in fact grew up in the Czech Republic although he might have had a Bolivian aunt, perhaps.
• Stand-ins are used for 83% of the film. Most noticeable are Keifer Sutherland’s stand in, who is an elderly black lady, and Steven Seagal, who plays 11 other characters.

Quotes:
[first lines]
President Killgooch: (Yawning and waking up) Good morning Silverwolf! What’s the news today?
Vice President Silverwolf: (rubbing his fingers together evilly and whispering under his breath) Oh nothing, you fool, except that I am going to assasinate you and sell this country to Russia!
Gorfox Crudebolt: (fingering his gun) What did you say, you snake in the grass?
Vice President Silverwolf: (hissing) Good day to you, sir! I’ll take my eggs in the pantry, with the slaves!

——————————

Gorfox Crudebolt: Mr President, sir, I don’t trust Silverwolf as far as I could throw him. And that’s pretty not far at all, if you get my meaning. I injured my shoulder playing squash, so… (fingering his gun)
President Killgooch: Do you have an erection, Crudebolt?
Gorfox Crudebolt: Sir! No I do not! I mean… unless you want me to?
(senator johnny pain bursts through the door, defusing the strange tension in the room)
Senator Johnny Pain: (highfiving himself) Who wants some motherfucking steak! (he tears a bite out of an imaginary steak)

——————————

Grampin’ Bonesticks 3: Bone harder

Open up and you’re immediately in the action HARD. The screen is all black and then thumping techno / banjo music stars playing loud, causing your socks to shrink really quick and your calf muscles to bulge pretty bad. It’s like that scene in Tron, and it’s clearly the future and people are living inside a computer. Somebody driving some kind of computer-generated car with three wheels and cannons on top zooms up to the screen and looks directly at the screen (or your face) and says “NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! GET ON YOUR HYPER-BIKE RIGHT THE HELL NOW GODDAMNIT!” The person is wearing a baseball hat with a picture of Marylin Monroe cooking eggs on it but you can tell the person is just Matthew Broderick with a scarf on. He starts driving away but then his bike expands to the size of an elephant (or bus) fast flinging him up in the air (he screams pretty loud before exploding.)

The camera zooms out and you realise it’s just a computer game, being played by a teenaged Steven Seagal. “Game over” flashes on screen which makes Seagal say “motherfrumpin swizzlesticks”. Then he takes his keyboard and smashes it over a teenage Mr. T’s head hard, causing Mr. T’s ears to fall off and land on the floor where they bubble and melt like frying eggs or “Heggz.” A waiter appears out of nowhere and hands Seagal a cup of chamomile tea sprinkled with cheese and rubbery Ox buttholes. Mr. T starts eyeing it hungrily and licking his lips. Seagal notices this and his eyes move from the waiter to the cup of tea to Mr. T, back to the cup of tea again. Close up of Mr. T’s eyes which move from the cup of tea to Seagal, then to a donkey braying outside the window, then to the waiter, back to the tea again, before swirling a round a bit and finally settling on a large bogey which is hanging out of a hole in Seagal’s neck. Cut back to Seagal’s eyes which move from the cup of tea to a hanging painting of a zebra with a traffic cone up its butt to a small speck of dust on Mr. T’s gold chain and back to the waiter. Now cut to the waiter’s eyes and some classical opera music starts playing really really fucking loud causing my liver to turn itself into pate and most of the audience’s spleens to fold in half (including yours but not mine.) Camera zooms in on the waiter’s eyes which are spinning around and around and occasionally darting from left to right. Opera music is replaced by indian sitar music and the screen now has some kind of psychadelic colour filter over it.

Slow zoom out now to reveal that Seagal has one arm wrapped around the waiter’s neck making him choke, one leg shoved up Mr. T’s nostril (up to the knee, causing Mr. T’s face/cheeks or afro to bulge quite a lot) and Seagal’s prehensile boner is picking up the cup of tea and moving it towards his face, slowly, slowly, then quite fast, spilling some cheese, then he headbutts it and it explodes. Seagal tenses his muslces causing things to snap and break and some kind of brown fluid to dribble from your toes or possibly teeth. Both of the other characters die, except Mr. T who stands up and shakes his fur like a dog, causing water (sea and fresh), pot pourri and high-velocity impact ferrets to shoot out in all directions (especially the ferrets). After this, Mr. T and Steven Seagal were sworn Blood Brothers, not unlike the secret society known as “Horribly Burnt Face Club” that existed in Manchuria in the first century B.C.

Cut to a shot of Sweden in flames followed by a really low budget Godzilla rip off with a guy in a suit (real suit – black, pintstriped) with an egg box over his head and wooden spoons instead of arms clapping to the beat of “Red red wine” by UB40 surrounded by obviously fake buildings that are really just burgers sellotaped to chinstraps and painted black. At this point the audience is mostly confused and / or reluctant because this arthouse crap is not what they came to see, being rabid Steven Seagal fans who like nothing more than to see Seagal eating off heads, shattering kneecaps, elbowing yaks in the ear until they die, shoving screwdrivers into (and out of, or possibly up) nostrils, kicking people’s pancreases so hard they go cross-eyed and melt or freeze or just say “GARG” loud, twisting up ears until they look like a small dog, using telephone books to beat old ladies to death, and returning videos three to five days late.

That’s why at this point, with most of the audience considering going and getting their money back, the heaviest, loudest, most distortedest power chord you’ve ever heard in my life goes KA-CHAAAANG from the speakers. A shot of Steven Seagal COMPLETELY ON FIRE (?!) holding a shotgun in one hand and a Native American Tomohawk dripping with blood in the other hand fills the cinema screen (and your vision, which is going all wibbly from the heat and/or nervous excitement.) Audience members who were on their way to the exit will probably just fall down and die at this point or at the very least lie down on the floor and vibrate or moan pretty loud. The rest of you will be glued to your seats (literally), punching each other in the eye and tearing off strips of flesh or pushing splinters under your nails just to counter-balance the extreme pumpiness of the scene.

The camera zooms in on Seagal’s eyeballs which smile then wink before exploding in a shower of blood, golden sparks and pure, concentrated awesome. Now a montage starts to the tune of “the Ace of Spades” by motorhead showing:

Seagal riding two motorbikes at the same time on an ocean road and playing an electric guitar, two narwhals (shoutout to hobo) headbutting each other under the water, then flying out of the water spraying radioactive acid all over a boat full of hot babes and international terrorists, Chuck Norris jumping off a building and landing on the ground causing the ground to shatter and ectoplasm to splurge out of the cracks, a boxing match where the boxers are wearing gloves made out of shards of glass and sabre-toothed tiger teeth, an international arms deal about to go down in an abandoned warehouse when suddently chuck norris blazes onto the scene driving a Monster Truck with Flames coming out of the exhaust pipes THROUGH THE WALL crushing everyone before backflippnig out of the passenger side window weilding a guitar which he uses to play along to the ace of spades.

At this point the audience (including you) will be squirting lighter fluid into their ear canals and headbutting each other’s chins way too hard because their feeble brains can’t quite comprehend what the hell is happening. On screen, Seagal dives headfirst into a swimming pool filled with blood to karate chop a shark right on the face before whipping out a super-soaker from under his tie-dyed t-shirt and spraying a corrupt courtroom with acid, then firing a bazooka at a haunted crpyt full of dancing zombies before finally throwing 15 phosphorous grenades at a bunch of school-kids who were posessed by the devil and/or the spirit of Freddie Mercury (probably?!), meanwhile John who is sitting on row 5-C chews a hole in his shins and pushes his drinks straw in the hole to take his mind off the awesomeness of the movie, and Randalf the projectionist who is naked in the projection booth shaves his entire body using a sharpened spoon and vinegar and salt as shaving cream before falling through the projectionist booth hole and impaling himself on Donna, who was busy dealing with her inverted nostrils and lower instestine which had just tied itself into a knot resembling steven seagal’s ears.

Fade to Magenta crossed with elephant dung to the sound of a tin of sausage and beans being poured slowly over two goats attempting to eat the same piece of paper and that’s a rap.

New spandanking script pump up ONE!

We open on a wide shit of nothing, absolutley jack shit diddly squat nothing. a guitar wails really, really, really quietly so you get pumped up but your not sure why or even what your pants are!?OONE!!On1E!!? The audiences and your nostrils start to twitch and something definitley smells like over cookd hair and hot dogs you are still getting pumped and you dont know why I turn up the guitar wailing volume up and add a wah wah pedal to the mix at this point im dribbling from almost every hole as are you and the audience. Something smells bad. (Hard.) then your face falls off.

Cut to a giant Close up of the bald bit of Mr T’s head just next to his mohawk the camera spins out and around his head to reveal Mr T himself sweating badly taking a massive shit in some mexican guys ear. Its Chico. this smells really bad and the guitar finally wails out HARD!!! ONWOE!!W!!11 AT FULL VOLUME Stuff is exploding deep inside your pants and the audience is crying because they are so pumped and are punching each other and now you are punching yourself because you are reading this and probably biting your hands off because you know Steven Fucking Seagal is going to be in this film at some point – youve seen the movie poster and everything and puked on your mum BAD.!!11

now Steven Seagal is in the background holding half a smashed snooker cue in each hand, gurning hard, trying to stay composed but looses it and says in a loud voice

“You cheese dick bastard!”

Mr T just carries on crapping only this time hes wiggling his ass in a mocking way and now poo is falling on chicos hair and neck. hes crying as would you probably if Mr T did this on you.

Seagal gets so mad about this that he runs up behind MrT and rams one broken half of the snooker cue up Mr T’s Ass and the other he whams hard into Mr.T’s nostril making both his eyes twitch uncontrollably. This looks really bad and chico is still crying as a guitar fucking wails out shit im so fuutredtfjgbinnbying PUMPED!!!11111!!!! now the audience are all inside out and are pouring salt all over each other to try and take their minds off how pumped they are getting and how great this fucking script is.

Then Seagal slashes MrTs thighs with his hands and puts glass and sticks and dirt into the cuts and punches them, this totally Kills Mr T who curls out yet another chocloate log on Chicos wimpy face making him and you cry even more.

to be continued…

LAZER JAXX MULTI ZONE WARZ 5!!!

DISTRIBUTOR: Searing Ring Productions

STARRING: Arnold Svarchenegglerz, Gary Coleman, STEVEN SEAGAL!!!111!!!

Synopsis:

In this madcap comedy romance action horror period drama, Seagal reprises his role as Freeman Stiffrod, a hard bitten, ex- navy SEALS FBI special forces police squad Internal Affairs investigator with a penchant for fluffy pillows. Stiffrod is retired and living out his life on the island of Pangu Pangu, teaching dolphins how to write poetry and teaching disabled kids how to fly. But all is not well on the island of Pangu Pangu as arch villain Rummstein Badong (played vigourously by Arnold Svarzeneggler) sets up his secret Evil Base there and begins plotting to take over the world through the medium of dance. BAdong’s most gifted dancer / assassin is Bobby ‘Twinkle Toes’ Killfarts, (with a barnstorming performance by Gary Coleman.). Twinkle Toes falls in love with one of Stiffrod’s dolphins, and begins dating him tentatively. Stiffrod knows something is up, and the scene is set for all hell to break loose on the idyllic island of Pangu Pangu! With special effects by multi award winning* artist Tony Hart, and an epic, sweeping soundtrack provided by whoever wins pop idol, this is a sure fire hit, guaranteed to please audiences of all ages**.

With cameos by such gifted actors as the second duck from the left in scene 28 of babe the pig, one of sean connery’s eyebrows and the entire cast of ‘el dorado’, this is a film that Time magazine are predicting to be : “The worst film of all time, bar none.”

The Sunday telegraph called it “Absolutely atrocious. A drunk elephant with a pen shoved up its butt could crap out a better script in two seconds flat.”

Rupert Mardleflange of Newsweek cheerfully predicted that “anybody who watches this obnoixious, steaming excuse for a movie will experience the unpleasant sensation of having their brains liquified due to staggering levels of stupidity and a complete lack of pumpitude.”

COMING TO A VIDEO SHOP BARGAIN BIN NEAR YOU!

*1972 BBC runner up prize for best drawing of a cow with a blindfold on in under 5 seconds

**Not a real guarantee. Movie will not appear to people between the age of 4 and 97 inclusive.

disclaimer – watching this movie may cause uncontrollably vomiting, nausea and a nasty case of lockjaw.

Burning Man Syndrome Twelve

Scene 1, exterior, night, lunchtime, interior, cumshot.

Swarcheneggler is playing the part of Mandron Tullshlarb, an ex CIA FBI SPecial Forces NAvy SEAL Army RODENT assassin Squadron Hairdresser Commander. The scene opens on a long, slow panning shot of a cold place with loads of snow and/or ice flying around the place, including hail. In the centre of a screen we can see a lone figure of this guy who is about 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide. Zlow zoom in on the figure, which you realise is headbutting a large tree and simultanously (at the same time) mule kicking a bunch of angry wolves behind him. The wolves are trying pretty hard to eat / hunt him, but he is kicking them hard. The tree isn’t doing anything except getting headbutted hard. Suddenly cut to the guy’s face (swarcheneggler) who is grinning HARD!

Mandron (in austrian accent) I LOVE MY JOB

WOLVES ( in wolf accent) WOOO ! AROOO WOO! (explode)

Mandron (hungarian accent) I KILL YOU HARD!

The scene ends with Mandron lightly stamping on the wolve carcasses and headbutting the tree 58 more times. A mysterious helicopter arrives out of nowhere, squashing a church and landing on the snowy snow snow. Some military commander type guy backflips out of the helicpoter and runs in a non jerky manner towards Mandron. He is obviously here for one last job… (cue pump up music……….)

Pump up music is now playing at a scale of 4.7 being Rumstein, a german metal band no one likes but cant help getting pumped by. The miltary commando type guy is played in this scene by Keifer Sutherland, and hes totally here for that one last job. He does a standing backflip infront of Mandron and Salutes quite hard.

Mandron: (Austro hungarian accent) Here you are at laaast old buddy!

Keifer : (One eye brow falls off from the salute)You Old dog I thought the CIA, FBI Police Squad (pigs) had you pushing pens back in Washington till next June! (obviously an inside Joke)

Mandron: (French accent) AH HA HA HA HA Your Right but i pushed those pens…

(Mandron and Keifer in unison) RIGHT UP THERE ASSHOLES!

They both laugh again for about five minutes, what seems like ages, because they are so cool and then they smoke stogies (big cigars) Then they cartwheel over to the helicopter where a bunch of other beefcake guys are smoking HARD. The pump up music is now at around 7ish being a really cool song that makes you want to pop a huge boner and air guitar at the same time. All the beefcakes high five pretty hard, one of them gets inverted by Mandrons high five, then they take off in the helicopter really really fucksoi898 HARD!!!!!

They are flying along in the helicopter. Mandron is chewing like 15 cigars and painting his boner camouflage colours. So he turns around to the Captain:

Madron : ( in eskimo accent) : SO SAAARRGE, what is the operation?

SARGE: (in purple monkey accent) : WELL we have to GO to this abadnonded research facility and kill the president of it who is really an alien and rescue your DAUGHTER whilst simultanouesly foiling a plot for wolrd domination and KILLING A BUNCH OF generic TERORIST FUCKS HARD!

Mandron (in german accent) : SVEEET!

They high five semi-hard about 12 times. One of the other marine sharpshooter killer squadron guys picks his nose but accidentally pulls his brain out, withers then slides out of the side of the hecilopter before exploding in mid air. This causes the rest of the police cops to high five and giggle like schoolgirls. Just then a RPG (rocket pooping Grenade) screeches through the air. Mandron catches it between his nipples (which are protruding HARD) and crushes it up into a tiny package. His nipples flip it up into his mouth and he chomps it hard. The other guys are totally impressed, i mean like this one guy is so overjoyed that he wiggles around until his sphincter prolapses and then his left ventricle fluctuates before haveing an epileptic attack twice. The other guys piss on his corpse for about ten minutes.

BEGIN PUMP UP MUSIC!

NIght falls and the helicopter is still whirring around the planet.

MADNRON: (in polish accent) UH, when the fuck are we going to get there?

SARGE: (in american accent) WHERE do you MEAN, parnter?

MANDRON: (still polish) I mean when the fuck am i going to get to killl some mother fuckers?

SARGE: (french acent) : all in good time my leetle friend.

Mandron decides in the blink of an eye to kill the sarge right the hell now. He stands up and pops his camouflaged boner right in the sarge’s face. But the sarge is actually pretty strong and pops his own boner right back!! ! ! just then, a red light starts flashing indicating that they are nearing the drop zone…

Mandron decides in the blink of an eye to kill the sarge right the hell now. He stands up and pops his camouflaged boner right in the sarge’s face. But the sarge is actually pretty strong and pops his own boner right back!! ! ! just then, a red light starts flashing indicating that they are nearing the drop zone…

The drop zone is actually a bunch of fucking trees and stuff so the police sniper commando space team have to stop popping boners and get the fuck on with the infiltration. NOW. The Sarge extends his jaw forwards against Mandrons chest whilst gritting his teeth and chewing about twelve cigars and says: “Real firish dish ratter!”

Mandron punches the flashing red drop zone button so hard then jumps out of the helicopter while the rest of the guys use the ropes. PANSIES! FUCK!SHIT IM SO PUMPED THAT I CAN BARELY SEE!

The Police space commando patrol all get down safely and are thinkin where the fuck is Mandron when right then all of a sudden Mandron comes out from behind a giant bush holding twenty machine guns and knives and grenades and SHIT!! !?! Then the Sarge does the same thing except with at least seven bazookas and a flamethrower. Everyone in the team high five pretty hard. Then Mandron and the Sarge frown and chew on loads of Cigars again. Then they laugh in Austrian. (HARD)

Then Mandron pulls the pin on a grenade and eats it…they all start digging a big hole in the ground because the GPS (global poop-sitioning satellite) says : They are right fucking on top of it!!!

TBC…