Directly from our medulla oblongata to your face!
YESS!!! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!
For those of you who have been waiting to see the new comedy duo of the 80s strut their stuff, THIS IS IT.
Prepare to be so pumped you don’t even know where you left your car keys or even if you have a fucking car! FUCKshit!
“I didn’t wanna resort to violence…”
I love you Steven.
Crank your speakers the fuck up and warn your relatives that you may be about to go crazy apeshit bonkers on account of being too pumped to even speak or breathe or order pizza. GAH!
Yo, yo. Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah. Feel it. Alright.
Yo. Yo. Turn that beat up a little bit. Yeah. No a little more. Yeah. Turn it up yeah. Uh. Uh huh. Yeah. Turn it up more. Oh yeah. Turn it—Ah god that’s too loud. Turn it down right now. Turn it down a bit more. Quick. Yeah. That’s right. Uh huh. Much better, thanks. Yo. Yo. Check it.
My name is Clifford and I really like to rap. I’m rapping right now and I’m rapping all the time.
I rap real good and I rap real fast. And if you don’t just like it then you can just shut the hell up fast.
Yo. Check it fools. Don’t be dissin’ my rhymes, otherwise I be getting angry all the times. Then I just might diss you back, although when I diss it be like a rap attack (which is in your face.)
Yeah. I like to have sex with bitches, sometimes in ditches, I be countin my riches, with these bitches, in the ditches. For ever.
So don’t be intimidated by my skillz, and don’t stand close when I cough or else I will make you illz. But not ill as in good at rappin, but ill as in all day toilet crappin.
Speakin of crap, oh look it’s your face. I’ve never seen anything uglier except the time a dog took a dump on your face.
I’m constantly improvin, like home improvement, with the main guy who does the grunting sounds, not that fat guy Roy or whatever his name is. He is rubbish.
So alright it’s time for me to be out. My toast be comin out of the toaster and my bagels be poppin out the oven, so don’t think I’m a boaster but I know I got the house pumpin. Or grinding, possibly both simultaneously.
Keep it real in your heart constantly, peace and for real.
1) In the late 80’s AFHUNGEXPART (Afro Hunfgarian Existential Poetry art movement) exploded onto the forehead of the public, what was your most memorable moment of that period. If you have one?
I would have to say that would be the time I visited the National Museum with my customary huge slice of cheese draped over my arm. I mean, you should have seen the looks on the faces of the school kids when they saw me coming. That was pretty existential. And the time I took a hot air balloon up over Trafalgar square and made pigeon noises and took a pretty big crap on all the crowds. Total expressionist art. Or the time Jim from Jim’ll fix It Headbutted me in the arm on live television. Awesome.
2.3) If you could be any item of cutlery what would you be?
Easy. A fish-boning knife, because it has the word BONE in the title. Or should I say Spoon? I just don’t know any more. Perhaps I should consult my diary. Yes, I did it. Fork.
3) If orange is cat and dog is tulip, what is curtl?
Curtl is chiggarantz. (I suspect. Tough question though. Kudos, buddy!)
Q) How many fingers am I holding up?
Feels like two. You should probably wash your hands when we’re done.
5) Stockings or Garters?
Both. Followed by a nice lemon tarte.
fig 11b) Croydon, Discuss.
Ah. Beautiful. I agree with your suggestion of demolishing the city centre and putting a giant statue of Rambocky there instead. Bravo.
SECTION 12-ANAMORPHIC PRESSURE ) After making a lateral incision to the cortical hemisphere, the hamster nebula is clearly visible through the translucent lower membrane of the gooch or goochsh. name two other types of incision.
Reuten’s Upwards Gash
The old “marmalade sideways” testicle popper
8 and 3/4s) I am 11 in 15 years, how tall am I?
threee and a half… no wait… seven… TWELFTEEN!
nine) TANK TOPS – Wesley Snipes or Ronald Ragen.
Can I choose Wesley Snipes doing an impression of Ronald Reagan, whilst wearing a tank top covered in stomach bile?
10) Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours Donkey. What also shalt thoueth not covert?
Thou shalteth not covet your postman’s jock strap.
Thou probably shouldn’t covet thy midwife’s sports bra.
Thou aren’teth recommended to covet at all large lumps of radioactive space-matter.
Vi) Complete the following “if you —– an elephant you are obviously —–.”
“if you suspect an elephant you are obviously the supporting cast of The Lion King on drugs.”
11) Lader Hosen or Panteloons? Loot or flute? (for double points)
Lader Flute, Panter Hosen-loot. (Thought you’d get me with that one didn’t you you old DOG! I HATE YOU!)
Well thanks for tuning in, thats all for this week, next week we’ll be taking a closer look at marbles and how they are grown in a small boys inner ear in devon.
Boy am I looking forward to that. Despite the fact that the magazine’s feature is the same every month, I never get tired of the story of that little boy’s ear marbles.
I’d just like to add, while answering this questionnaire, a bizarre knobbly growth emerged from my forehead and stretched about 14 meters in front of my face and I kept bumping into things and knocking stuff over. Very annoying.
We open on a wide shit of nothing, absolutley jack shit diddly squat nothing. a guitar wails really, really, really quietly so you get pumped up but your not sure why or even what your pants are!?OONE!!On1E!!? The audiences and your nostrils start to twitch and something definitley smells like over cookd hair and hot dogs you are still getting pumped and you dont know why I turn up the guitar wailing volume up and add a wah wah pedal to the mix at this point im dribbling from almost every hole as are you and the audience. Something smells bad. (Hard.) then your face falls off.
Cut to a giant Close up of the bald bit of Mr T’s head just next to his mohawk the camera spins out and around his head to reveal Mr T himself sweating badly taking a massive shit in some mexican guys ear. Its Chico. this smells really bad and the guitar finally wails out HARD!!! ONWOE!!W!!11 AT FULL VOLUME Stuff is exploding deep inside your pants and the audience is crying because they are so pumped and are punching each other and now you are punching yourself because you are reading this and probably biting your hands off because you know Steven Fucking Seagal is going to be in this film at some point – youve seen the movie poster and everything and puked on your mum BAD.!!11
now Steven Seagal is in the background holding half a smashed snooker cue in each hand, gurning hard, trying to stay composed but looses it and says in a loud voice
“You cheese dick bastard!”
Mr T just carries on crapping only this time hes wiggling his ass in a mocking way and now poo is falling on chicos hair and neck. hes crying as would you probably if Mr T did this on you.
Seagal gets so mad about this that he runs up behind MrT and rams one broken half of the snooker cue up Mr T’s Ass and the other he whams hard into Mr.T’s nostril making both his eyes twitch uncontrollably. This looks really bad and chico is still crying as a guitar fucking wails out shit im so fuutredtfjgbinnbying PUMPED!!!11111!!!! now the audience are all inside out and are pouring salt all over each other to try and take their minds off how pumped they are getting and how great this fucking script is.
Then Seagal slashes MrTs thighs with his hands and puts glass and sticks and dirt into the cuts and punches them, this totally Kills Mr T who curls out yet another chocloate log on Chicos wimpy face making him and you cry even more.
to be continued…
DISTRIBUTOR: Searing Ring Productions
STARRING: Arnold Svarchenegglerz, Gary Coleman, STEVEN SEAGAL!!!111!!!
Synopsis:
In this madcap comedy romance action horror period drama, Seagal reprises his role as Freeman Stiffrod, a hard bitten, ex- navy SEALS FBI special forces police squad Internal Affairs investigator with a penchant for fluffy pillows. Stiffrod is retired and living out his life on the island of Pangu Pangu, teaching dolphins how to write poetry and teaching disabled kids how to fly. But all is not well on the island of Pangu Pangu as arch villain Rummstein Badong (played vigourously by Arnold Svarzeneggler) sets up his secret Evil Base there and begins plotting to take over the world through the medium of dance. BAdong’s most gifted dancer / assassin is Bobby ‘Twinkle Toes’ Killfarts, (with a barnstorming performance by Gary Coleman.). Twinkle Toes falls in love with one of Stiffrod’s dolphins, and begins dating him tentatively. Stiffrod knows something is up, and the scene is set for all hell to break loose on the idyllic island of Pangu Pangu! With special effects by multi award winning* artist Tony Hart, and an epic, sweeping soundtrack provided by whoever wins pop idol, this is a sure fire hit, guaranteed to please audiences of all ages**.
With cameos by such gifted actors as the second duck from the left in scene 28 of babe the pig, one of sean connery’s eyebrows and the entire cast of ‘el dorado’, this is a film that Time magazine are predicting to be : “The worst film of all time, bar none.”
The Sunday telegraph called it “Absolutely atrocious. A drunk elephant with a pen shoved up its butt could crap out a better script in two seconds flat.”
Rupert Mardleflange of Newsweek cheerfully predicted that “anybody who watches this obnoixious, steaming excuse for a movie will experience the unpleasant sensation of having their brains liquified due to staggering levels of stupidity and a complete lack of pumpitude.”
COMING TO A VIDEO SHOP BARGAIN BIN NEAR YOU!
*1972 BBC runner up prize for best drawing of a cow with a blindfold on in under 5 seconds
**Not a real guarantee. Movie will not appear to people between the age of 4 and 97 inclusive.
disclaimer – watching this movie may cause uncontrollably vomiting, nausea and a nasty case of lockjaw.
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