Spoon Collector’s Wives – Response

1) In the late 80’s AFHUNGEXPART (Afro Hunfgarian Existential Poetry art movement) exploded onto the forehead of the public, what was your most memorable moment of that period. If you have one?

I would have to say that would be the time I visited the National Museum with my customary huge slice of cheese draped over my arm. I mean, you should have seen the looks on the faces of the school kids when they saw me coming. That was pretty existential. And the time I took a hot air balloon up over Trafalgar square and made pigeon noises and took a pretty big crap on all the crowds. Total expressionist art. Or the time Jim from Jim’ll fix It Headbutted me in the arm on live television. Awesome.

2.3) If you could be any item of cutlery what would you be?
Easy. A fish-boning knife, because it has the word BONE in the title. Or should I say Spoon? I just don’t know any more. Perhaps I should consult my diary. Yes, I did it. Fork.

3) If orange is cat and dog is tulip, what is curtl?
Curtl is chiggarantz. (I suspect. Tough question though. Kudos, buddy!)

Q) How many fingers am I holding up?

Feels like two. You should probably wash your hands when we’re done.

5) Stockings or Garters?

Both. Followed by a nice lemon tarte.

fig 11b) Croydon, Discuss.

Ah. Beautiful. I agree with your suggestion of demolishing the city centre and putting a giant statue of Rambocky there instead. Bravo.

SECTION 12-ANAMORPHIC PRESSURE ) After making a lateral incision to the cortical hemisphere, the hamster nebula is clearly visible through the translucent lower membrane of the gooch or goochsh. name two other types of incision.
Reuten’s Upwards Gash
The old “marmalade sideways” testicle popper

8 and 3/4s) I am 11 in 15 years, how tall am I?

threee and a half… no wait… seven… TWELFTEEN!

nine) TANK TOPS – Wesley Snipes or Ronald Ragen.

Can I choose Wesley Snipes doing an impression of Ronald Reagan, whilst wearing a tank top covered in stomach bile?

10) Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours Donkey. What also shalt thoueth not covert?

Thou shalteth not covet your postman’s jock strap.
Thou probably shouldn’t covet thy midwife’s sports bra.
Thou aren’teth recommended to covet at all large lumps of radioactive space-matter.

Vi) Complete the following “if you —– an elephant you are obviously —–.”

“if you suspect an elephant you are obviously the supporting cast of The Lion King on drugs.”

11) Lader Hosen or Panteloons? Loot or flute? (for double points)

Lader Flute, Panter Hosen-loot. (Thought you’d get me with that one didn’t you you old DOG! I HATE YOU!)

Well thanks for tuning in, thats all for this week, next week we’ll be taking a closer look at marbles and how they are grown in a small boys inner ear in devon.

Boy am I looking forward to that. Despite the fact that the magazine’s feature is the same every month, I never get tired of the story of that little boy’s ear marbles.

I’d just like to add, while answering this questionnaire, a bizarre knobbly growth emerged from my forehead and stretched about 14 meters in front of my face and I kept bumping into things and knocking stuff over. Very annoying.

Interview questions for Dr. Hobo.

Good eventide Mr. Doctor.

I’d like to thank you most begrudginly for previously disagreeing to agree on answering this questionnaire, and having large, pointy front teeth and small beady eyes. Thanks.

This questionnaire will allow readers to get a little bit of an insight into what makes Dr. Hobo tick, and will also make your voice go all thin and reedy like a prepubescant choir boy with his nuts crushed in his underpants drawer with a shilip-BAP! noise.

Onto the questions.

1) Hello. What?

2) No, I’m sorry. I just thought you said something. How’s that?

3) If you were a large piece of Camombert cheese, what kind of safety precautions would you take, or not take?

4) How many are there?

5) Complete the sentence: “A man is only as ____ as his ____ ” and indicate where the errors are and why.

6) (ignore this question.) How many times per lunar cycle do you poop?

7) (answer this question in hebrew, please.) Word association: Chag

8) When are “trousers”? (you must construct your answering using only the names of dogs in the Shakespearian English style. )

9) How big was it, and why?

10) What is the opposite of Stoat?

11) Good.

12) Why is hole?

13) A man walks into a bar. He has a chicken under each arm, and he is lactating, badly. Discuss.

14) Repeat above, only the man is now a woman, and instead of lactating, he/she is slowly forcing her legs into a meat grinder. How?

15) What gives? (Hint: laundromat.)

16) You see a turtle having a stroll on a beach. Do you:
a) stamp the turtles brains out
b) stomp the turtles brains out
c) shlump the turtles brains off
d) grout the tuntles broons up
e) chank the skurtles brines in
f) purchase the latest copy of “Waltham Enquirer” and read it on a bench with a nice cup of tea
g) all of the above
h) none of the above
i) trick question – turtles are imaginary creatures
j) other – please specify

17) Anything you would like to add?

18) Subtract?

19) You are in a car travelling at 70 m.p.h. and you run over a yak. The yak was running in the opposite direction at 13 m.p.h. and had just polished off a dinner of radishes and grass. I just thought I’d let you know.

29) Imitate a donkey bray.

2) (Free space)

b) Unnecessary question.

122) Message from our sponsors.

The end! I look forward to digesting your replies and then crapping them out.