Clifford’z Rap.

Yo, yo. Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah. Feel it. Alright.

Yo. Yo. Turn that beat up a little bit. Yeah. No a little more. Yeah. Turn it up yeah. Uh. Uh huh. Yeah. Turn it up more. Oh yeah. Turn it—Ah god that’s too loud. Turn it down right now. Turn it down a bit more. Quick. Yeah. That’s right. Uh huh. Much better, thanks. Yo. Yo. Check it.

My name is Clifford and I really like to rap. I’m rapping right now and I’m rapping all the time.

I rap real good and I rap real fast. And if you don’t just like it then you can just shut the hell up fast.

Yo. Check it fools. Don’t be dissin’ my rhymes, otherwise I be getting angry all the times. Then I just might diss you back, although when I diss it be like a rap attack (which is in your face.)

Yeah. I like to have sex with bitches, sometimes in ditches, I be countin my riches, with these bitches, in the ditches. For ever.

So don’t be intimidated by my skillz, and don’t stand close when I cough or else I will make you illz. But not ill as in good at rappin, but ill as in all day toilet crappin.

Speakin of crap, oh look it’s your face. I’ve never seen anything uglier except the time a dog took a dump on your face.

I’m constantly improvin, like home improvement, with the main guy who does the grunting sounds, not that fat guy Roy or whatever his name is. He is rubbish.

So alright it’s time for me to be out. My toast be comin out of the toaster and my bagels be poppin out the oven, so don’t think I’m a boaster but I know I got the house pumpin. Or grinding, possibly both simultaneously.

Keep it real in your heart constantly, peace and for real.

Astounding Sub-tropical Disease Almanac Vol. 7!

Disease name:
Schingerton’s Nostril

Latin name:
Inflatius Nostratus

Colloq.:
Lenny Henry Disease
Kite face
Droopy nose holes
Swollen sniffer

Symptoms:
- Nostrils become large and loose, liable to randomly inflate during particularly strong winds.
- Upset stomach.
- Dry mucus dribbling painfully from eyes.
- Nostrils spontaneously inflating to the size of a football field and engulfing your entire village while people yell “AH OH MY GOD WHAT THE—IT’S NOSTRILS, SOME GIANT NOSTRILS ON MY FACE”
- Bizarre smells eminating from joints
- Foods you previously enjoyed now taste like cat shit
- Cravings for cat shit
- Incontinence

Possible Complications:
- Nostrils inflating during sleep and strangling you
- Permanently enlarged nostrils
- Social ostricisation
- Career in the circus becomes viable job prospect
- Kneecaps falling off
- Blindness (temporary and permanent)
- The ability to communicate with animals
- Self-disembowelment
- Unable to perform stand-up comedy to your previous standards but still able to make a living from yearly pantomines and occasional television appearances
- Death

Remedies:
- Tying your nostrils in a knot each morning until the infection passes
- Daily nostril reconstruction surgery
- Getting a goat (or yak) to chew on your nostrils
- Sing “Never Forget” by take that so loud that your vocal chords disintegrate
- Fashioning your nostrils into a scarf and / or muffler (not applicable during summer)
- Lying upside down and filling your giant nostrils with water and hiring them out as swimming pools or sewage processing plants
- Kill yourself

Herbal alternatives
- Tea, hot. Ingredients: Bat’s nipples, horses tongue (2x), fried sheep’s gerbils, one house brick (crushed), sweat from an angry builder, hand-crushed stoat, banana smoothy from mickey D’s and freshly squeezed orinch choos (NOT orange juice. Must be orinch choos.)