Fade up from black to show a snowy mountain in the cold light of dawn. A lonely train track winds through the white snow.
Voiceover:
“When they decided to hold the Olympics in a remote mountain in Northern Canada, they didn’t realise they were about to get more than they bargained for.”
Quick close up of the trains wheels spinning really fast and then a close up of the train’s chimney with a loud “CHOO CHOO” sound, then back to a quiet long shot of the train winding through the mountains.
Voicever:
“They didn’t count on the fact that some people hate freedom, and hate the people that live free.”
Cut to inside the train. Various Olympic athletes sit playing cards, eating soup, or headbutting each other quite hard. The scenery flies past outside the window. Somebody farts really loud and then gets sucked out of an open window.
Some athletes wearing Russian tracksuits are glaring at other athletes wearing american flag tracksuits.
“As the temperature plummets, tension rises in the cabin.”
Cut to a shot of a russian athlete and an american one arguing. the camera zooms in on the russian athlete with a KCHUNG sound. freezeframe and the text:
“STARRING DAVID HASSLEHOFF AS SERGY KALASHNIKOV” smashes onto the screen
unfreeze frame and then: sergy: “You stupid americans! Always having the bigshot and playing your cheat at the cards!”
camera zooms out then back in on the american athlete. freezeframe with the sound of a pigeon being shot and the words:
“STARRING MICHAEL J FOX AS CHIP BRADLEY” slam into the screen four times HARD.
chip bradley: “Screw you ya commie bastard. Fair’s fair and if you can’t take that then you don’t deserve to even breathe the same air as an American!”
Cut to a shot of the two groups staring at each other and stamping their feet on the cabin floor. Other, smaller countries whimper and back away slowly. Cut to a shot of the train rattling too fast and unsteady on the track. Long zoom out to the sound of a horse chewing a wet pair of jeans to reveal that the train track about a kilometer ahead is broken and dangles off the edge of a cliff.
“What they needed was miracle. What they needed was…”
Camera slowly pans down the train corridor to the pantry. The sound of someone whistling and chopping vegetables can be heard. Quick cut to a mega close up of a knife slicing through onions, then peppers, then someones finger accompanied by a scream, really fast. Cut back to the slow zoom along the train corridor. Cut to a shot of someone’s wide back wearing a chef’s outfit. Pan up to reveal a black, shiny ponytail under a bandana. Cut to more vegetables being chopped up, this time superfast.
“Livin on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi starts chunking out of the speakers HARD. Cut to a close up of the chef. Freeze frame on STEVEN SEAGAL’S FACE and the words: “Starring Steven Seagal as Chef Randall Morlock” just as “livin on a prayer” really starts getting going. Seagal suddenly stops whistling and looks at the camera. His left ear twitches and the audience can clearly hear the sounds of high-caliber athletes slapping each other on the face and headbutting shins. Seagal cracks a grin and then winks. Your internal organs begin vibrating as you realise that a montage is coming up and just as Bon Jovi starts wailing “WOAHAH WE’RE HALF WAY THERE, WOWOWOWWWAAAAAAOH LIVIN ON A PRAYER” we cut to a montage showing the following: steven seagal running the entire length of the train in 1.3 seconds and shoulder barging a woman in the back who flies into another customer who spills scolding hot fondue all over his neck and screams then seagal backflips into the toilet and rips a hole in the floor revealing the train tracks flying past underneath for no reason at all. cut to a shot of david hasslehoff ripping off his tracksuit and handing it to his assistant without looking. the audience however can see that he has just handed his tracksuit to steven seagal, who is staring at the side of hasslehoffs neck HARD. hasslehoff, still not looking, touches seagals arms, then neck, before rubbing his face and prodding him in the eye a little. he says “Yuri? Is that you?” Cut to seagal kicking a chair so that it flies up in the air then punching it so that it flies into the side of Hasslehoffs neck (which breaks). Then Michael J Fox goes to high five seagal but seagal sidekicks him in the ribs, causing him to basically rip in half at the waist and fall to the ground. Seagal then squats down and jumps up, smashing a hole in the ceiling, simultanously flinging poison darts at a bunch of bionic cyber-monkeys that the Ukrainians had smuggled with the intention of ruining the 1986 Winter Olympics. Cut to a shot of Seagal standing on two donkeys roped to the top of the train with their tongues hanging out really, really far so that it looks almost unreal, and a quick zoom out to reveal the train still going really fast towards the broken track at the end of the line. Some quick cuts showing a man attempting to eat honey spare ribs with a spoon, sweden on fire, most of berlin underwater, a cheese-eating contest in spain and seven micro-organisms voting on their favourite aftershave followed by stock footage of nuclear explosions.
Voiceover: “This fall, there’s only one man crazy enough to buy a return ticket on… ” and then the title slams in to the screen five times with the noise of an elephant being dropped into a swimming pool filled with jam “OLYMPIC DEATH TRAIN”
RATED “R”
“A STEVEN SEAGAL PRODUCTION” gets smeared onto the screen with pink lipstick accompanied by a harpsichord. Fade to burlap.
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