Dinosaur High School (1987)

Directed by
John McTiernan (Predator)
with
Brian Blessed (Fat guy with a beard)

Writing credits
Agatha Christie
Moomin Clown-brak
Billy “Supermachine” Freakinkins

Produced By
Morgan Freeman (posing as a dog)

Genre: Action / Adventure / Time-travelling / Dinosaurs / Love story / Romantic Horror Slasher / Swimming pools / Gnarly (more)

Tagline: This little dinosaur has survived extinction… but can he survive HIGH SCHOOL?? (more)

Plot Outline (supplied by Din0-Fan-2000): Two totally gnarly dudes, COREY and BRAINER, are taking their annual skiing trip to Mount McHighfrost with their family. One day, out causing mischeif, they come across an old abandoned ice cave. They venture inside, while some tinkly piano music and soft synth layers echo around. Suddenly they come across a giant block of ice. It contains a real live dinosaur who is totally frozen up!! Then a storm comes and totally blocks the entrance of the cave and it gets all dark and cold and pretty scary (I know I was scared, anytway!!!) The two young bucks decide to make a fire but they foolishly didn’t realise that the fire would melt the ice!> (of cours!!!) So they fall asleep with the fire on in between them. Unbeknownst to them as they fall asleep, the fire starts melting the block of ice. at this point you get pretty darn pumped as the melted ice reveals the dinosaur bit by bit… first just its nostrils and it breathes in and out loudly. Then it thaws down to the mouth and a tongue comes out and some saliva dribble,s and it makes a kind of weak braying sound like a baby donkey. Naturally the dinosaour has been asleep for about a million years or whatever so it is pretty hungry and weak. Suddenly the ice thors out realy slowly and then reveals its arms which scratch around the place constantly. Then before you realise it the whole dinosaur has be revealed!! and it walks over to the boys and starts licking them and kicking them but not too hard. Then they wake up and they are like WOAAAHH!! but they high five each other and hten they try to high five the dinosaur. At first of course it doesn’t know how to do it (duh, its a dinosaur!!) but eventually it gets the hang of it so they do some high fives and then they roast marshamallows on the fire and say “Awesome!” in unison. Luckily the boys had a creepy disabled brother that they carry around in a backpack. They feed it scraps of meat. Then they look at each other and nod and wink and say “Are you thinking what I’m thinking buddy?” and then they strip the brother of all his clothes and throw him off a cliff and give the clothes to the dinosaur including an awesome cap. They put it on the dinosaur and then the dinosaur turns it around backwards!! They look at each other, then at the dinosaur, then they say “RADICAL!” And high five pretty hard. The dinosaur kind of says “HORHOM” with some hooting or howling sounds, so they decide to call it “Grunter.”

Together, Grunter, Corey and Brainer embark on their biggest adventure yet… HIGH SCHOOL!

The scene is set for utmost hilarity and pure fascination. Will Grunter get invited to the prom by Suzy Yvette, the most beautiful girl in school? Will the skeptical Principal Darkpump figure the hell out that the new boy Grunter is not all that he seems? And how will Brian Belcher, the school bully, react when Corey and Brainer’s new friend Grunter (the dinosaur!) is there to protect them?!

(You can find out the answers to all these questions and more by watching the movie!!)

Dino-fan-2000 xxxx

User Comments:
“Pure fucking shit. I’d rather be inhaling stinging nettles through my armpits than watching this unbearable drivel. I actually cried with hatred.” – BigPuff1900

“Like DEnver the Last Dinosaur, only much, much gayer.” – Morton Bilkranz

“How does the principle not realise that Grunter is a dinosaur when the fucking thing has a huge tail and takes a huge, steaming dump in his office when he is trying to tell him off for skipping detention? ” Frazzmatazz

“I don’t think having the dinosaur flip out and eat the two main characters during the final swimming competition scene was a good ending to the movie. At all.”

User Rating: 2.77/10 (7 votes)

Cast overview

Corey Jenkins
Corey Feldman

Billy “Brainer” Braithwate
Fred Savage

Grunter the Dinosaur (Voice)
Pat from Eastenders

Suzy Yvette
Mr T

Principal Darkpump
Richard Dreyfuss

Brian Belcher
Steven Seagal

Mr. Grillchild (PE Instructor)
Brian Blessed

Ralton (post sex change)
Jonothan Parkwitch

Muhammed Al Shalbreek
Raidengator “Numbers” McGee

Rotting potatoe that falls on Darkpump’s head in the exorcism scene
Dorian Krinkenhaver

Corrupt Policeman 12
Slasencourt Marlenbone the Second

Rahuna, Snake Goddess of Agablarn
Ruudy O’Zoltran (TRAZZ!)

Also Known As:
Einer Dino-kinder ert ein FUCK (Germany) (working title)
What, A Dinosaur?! (MLDV) (working title)
Est una dinosora in me escolao! (SPN)
Prtzk faakt Strookztn Tyranno Danzer! (PLND)

MPAA: Rated 18 for repetitive and motion-sickness inducing scenes involving violence against hunks of turf dug up from a smelly old vegetable garden, and horses smoking cigars and talking with american accents possibly whilst wearing visors and playing cards.

Runtime: 98 min / Czeck Republic : -0.56 min (extended edition)
Country: USA, Mountains, That place next to India… what is it… France.

Language: American, howling, Post-industrial Kuwaiti Pidgin, Crunch crunch

Trivia:

• Agatha Christie and John Mctiernan despised each other so much they often resorted to slashing each other in the face with knives. In fact there are not one, not three, but eight scenes during which key points of dialogue are drowned out by the sound of arguements and faces being slashed hard.
• Grunter the Dinosaur was not a real dinosaur, but a complicated system of corpses, ropes, pulleys, and the contents of an underdeveloped, diabetic giraffe’s stomach sac.
• Corey Feldman’s cocaine habit was so strong during filming that it eventually had to be written into the script. Notable scenes include him snorting a line from Principal Darkpump’s dandruff-crusted centre parting, doing a line the size of an average human’s leg whilst swinging from the roof of an ambulance, and an entirely improvised scene where various crew members stand around crying whilst Feldman twitches on the floor covered in white powder mumbling something about the fucking lights of Nebraska not paying their looney gates on time again, fuckshit.
• Actor’s Trademark: Brian Blessed eating a live goat
• Director’s Trademark: Sustained bursts of heavy machine gun fire in slow motion to the sound of fingernails being wiped down a chalkboard (or a marmoset trying to cough up a hairball)
• The hand that Fred Savage uses to pat Grunter’s back whilst consoling him after SuzyYvette has turned him down for the prom is actually an old ham fashioned into a vaguely hand-like shape. If you look closely you can see that there are only four fingers, and stink lines emanating from the top.
• Directors trademark: Shoes having a life of their own when their owners have gone to sleep.
• Directors trademark: Fast motion clips of farmers drop-kicking chickens into swimming pools filled with blood and cheese to the sound of somebody eating a hornet.
• Actors trademark: Raidengator “Numbers” McGee wearing sunglasses on his bottom.
• Raidengator “Numbers” McGee was declared clinically insane after filming wrapped. He had spent most of the shoot trying to eat his trailer and attempting to crap in sleeping crew members ears or mouths.
• The baby cart that Ruudy O’Zoltran tries to sell to Fred Savage during the shootout scene (and which subsequently spontaneously combusted during filming) was a real baby cart and had Brian Blessed’s baby in it. Blessed was quoted as saying “Drat it all, I was going to eat that.”

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: In the eating competition, Fred Savage’s brain can be seen each time he opens his mouth. Also a trumpeting noise sounds whenever he blinks.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Many critics of the movie claim that a dinosaur could not successfully disguise himself as a student for a second, let alone an entire term. These critics however fail to realise that this was the eighties, which gave us flying time machines, half robot half human but all-cops, hover boards, wraparound shades, and awesome.
• Continuity: In the opening scene, Fred Savage’s father is decapitated by a dustbin lid flying across the screen. Blood splashes against the entire cast and the camera zooms in on his gurgling corpse. However in the very next scene, at the Battle of the Bands in the High School, Savage’s father appears not only as himself but as the drummer for “Mounting Confusion” and the (female) singer of “Frustrated Period Glass-ripperz”
• Due to a mixup with the scripts, characters often perform each other’s lines instead of their own. This is most noticeable in the scenes where the character of the dinosaur talks about himself in the third person with an Austrian accent.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Corey Jenkins: Man, I fucking love skiing so bad.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Tell me about it, dude. Fuck, high five my ass.
Corey Jenkins: Hey man… do you see that shit? It’s like a fucking mountain or something.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Bodacious!
Corey Jenkins: Do you want to touch my pee pee?
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: So bad.

——————————

Grunter the Dinosaur (snarling and howling and wearing a large coat. Clearly Fred Savage has stashed himself inside the coat and is talking instead of Grunter.) Hey, um, Suzy. You are like totally hot. So do you wanna go to the prom with me?
Suzy Yvette (twirling gum around her finger): Do you think Chip Strongchin will want to go to the dance with me?
Grunter the Dinosaur (nervous): What, that meathead? Ho ho ho. He’s just a meathead. Not good enough for you. (under his breath:) My sweet, sweet angel.
Suzy Yvette: Yeah, but Yvonne said his dick tastes like candy.
Grunter the Dinosaur (sighing): I wish my dick tasted like candy.
Brian Belcher (suddenly appearing from the boys toilets): What the fuck did you say you fucking freak?
Grunter the Dinosaur (panicking): Look! A spaceship!

——————————

Principle Darkpump: What have you got to say for yourself, Corey?
Corey Jenkins says nothing and kicks the floor.
Principle Darkpump: What did you and that new boy, Grunter, need from the science storage room, anyway?
(Camera zooms in on Jenkins head and an echoing voiceoever sounds:) If only he knew… I needed some formaldehyde to keep Grunter’s skin from falling off due to the effects of being frozen in time!
Principle Darkpump: So, the silent treatment, eh. I have just the thing for silent boys. (Principle Darkpump unzips his trousers and sits on the arm of Jenkins’ chair.)
(Zoom in, off-screen voiceover again:) Time to take one for the team, Corey my boy.

——————————

Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Hey mom, this is my new friend, urr…. Grunter. He’s not a dinosaur or anything.
Mom (playing an N.E.S.): Are you sure? He kind of looks like a dinosaur. I mean he is scaly and has a tail and…
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Goddamit mom you son of a bitch, why do you have to be so hard on me? Is it because Dad left you and you are nothing but a stupid  old witch?
Mom: Did you pick up my beef jerky from the grocery store?
(Grunter hoots and kicks over a vase which smashes on the floor.)
Mom: Nice doggy.

New spandanking script pump up TWO!

The year is 2025 thousand and seven…explodes onto the screen
over the shoulder shot of a man in a space suit twiddling a knob on a futuristic yet very 80s TV set. Some static, then a close up of a man’s moustache appears on the screen.
Close up of the man in the space suits face, he’s possibly an astronaut or some kind of futuristic stock market guy. Either way he’s pretty fucking pumped this is obvious because his beard is growing and shrinking extremely fast and his eyes are bulging and steam and baked beans are coming out of his tear ducts. Shit. yep that’s right you’ve just crapped yourself because your spleen has inverted.

Cut back to the screen to show Tom Selleck’s big fat face filling the screen, zoom out to reveal he’s sitting on a camel in just a pair of stars and stripes speedos grinning like a baboon. Him and the Camel amble up a beach to Wesley Snipes who is crouched next to a fire in the sand he’s also wearing Speedos only his are pink with a palm tree and a pina colada covering his balls.

close up of Wesley Snipes’ stupid grinning face, a coconut hurtles through the air and smashes him hard on the back of his head. He slumps face down into the fire evacuating his bowels into his speedos in the process. The camera follows the trajectory of the coconut and we see Arnold Schwasenegler tossing a coconut up and down in one hand and smoking a stogie. He says

“HAY Poin dexder, lets get thee paaardey shdarded!”
“Push it” by salt N pepa starts to play.

David Hasselhoff runs up the beach from out of nowhere, shouting “BOO YA – in your face grandma!” at an old lady and pointing to his crutch with a magnum.

Steven Seagal rocks up the beach in a jeep filled with bikini clad girls, knocking small children over.

Someone shouts BOO YA! off screen and a gunshot is heard followed by someone squeeling in agony.

Wesley Snipes sits up with blood dribbling from one nostril and a golf ball sized lump on the back of his head explodes. His eyes are blood shot and his chest is red raw from the fire he just fell on.

The Jeep skids next to the camel showering Snipes in sand and broken glass, he screams in pain but its too late, the camel mule kicks him through the brain making pate and sand and glass jet out his nostrils HARD!

Seagal steps out of the jeep wrapped in bikini babes and popping a boner. He’s wearing an orange moo moo, no trousers and cowboy boots. His boner twitches then subtitles crash onto the screen over a montage of Mr.T break dancing with street kids Seagal headbutting Zebras making their intestines shoot out of their bums like silly string, Tom Sellic and Arnold Swarzenegger smoking stogies and kicking camels. The subtitles exclaim:

JOIN THE ULTIMATE SUPERSTARS IN THE LATEST BEACH PARTY BASED CELEBRITY REALITY TV SHOW “IM INSANELY AMAZING SO WATCH ME BACK FLIP OVER STUFF SERIES IV”

smell of burning hair and hamster insides are running rampant in your nostrils and not to mention frontal lobe. You’ve soiled yourself as have I. FADE TO PURLACK!

Miami Death Spree 5 Trailer

Miami Vice music is playing really hard – everything is cool in Miami.
That is what you obviously get from this scene.
A tall dark stranger in yellow crocodile skin cowboy boots is tromping his way down Miami beach. despite the extreme heat, the stranger is wearing orange skin tight jeans, a mexican poncho and a native american indian head-dress on top of a builders hard hat. He also has a diamond and wall nut necklace around his neck.
Some mexican street kids are gathered around a carboard sign that says “Sick of being a loser dead beat nobody? learn karate here from one of the greats.” Mr.T is sitting on a beach chair next to the sign eating an ice cream from a cone. Subtitles read: introducing Mr T as Kensington Fairfax. Next to him is a Karate Gi with stars and stripes and an eagle embroided on it, next to that sits an airwolf hat with a few cents and crumpled up bits of money in it.

A kid is crying as his Sensai stands over him with his foot in the kids face. Cut to a close up of Mandral Parlax accompanied by subtitles: Featuring Chuck Norris as Sensai Mandral Parlax. Mandral grins and starts twisting his foot in the poor kids face. “Go on cry! im gonna teach you the meaning of respect for an american man who learns the ancient art of death killer kai Karate Do!”

SMASH-GARGLE – SNAP, TWIST…CHOKE!

Zooming close up into Mandrals face and a look of complete horror.

Spinning close up of the stranger standing with one cowboy boot in Kensington Fairfaxes left nostril, blood and ice cream is spattered half way up his orange skin tight jeans. A loud shiplooping sound is heard followed by the sound of a balloon deflating and chicken soup being spilled on a pillow.

subtitles: and Steven Seagal in his 5th outing as Leutenant Dutch Kool in…

MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5!!!

random fast cuts of people being shot, stamped on, twisted, Slapped, blown up in Miami. Goats being kicked through shop windows, Seagal holding someones hand down on the accelerator of a motorbike then breaking their hand so its stays on ‘death speed’ as they career off into a scissor and spoon factory which promptly explodes. wide angle of Chuck Norris screaming KIAAAAAAAAI!!!!!! and jumping out of a helicopter and Impaling himself on Seagals already extended leg. Jean Claude Van Damme and Seagal High Fiving, laughing and wearing white vests and mirror sunglasses. Someones knee being dislocated. A mexican man’s neck being broken by a cowboy boot. A hoof pressing a big red button with the word “Disembowel” written above it. A spinning punch to the temples of a midget. a cup of tea with fingers floating in it, pan back to reveal a man holding the cup looking up, short of a few fingers. Seagal towers over him gurning and waving like a child in the most condescending way ever imaginable. Jean Claude Van Damme does the flying splits and kicks two goats square in the side of the head causing their brains to evacuate out of their nostrils immediatley like right the-god-damn-NOW!

MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5 flashes up on the screen with the tagline BAM! welcome to Miami BITCHES. Will Smith was wrong…Dead wrong!

New spandanking script pump up ONE!

We open on a wide shit of nothing, absolutley jack shit diddly squat nothing. a guitar wails really, really, really quietly so you get pumped up but your not sure why or even what your pants are!?OONE!!On1E!!? The audiences and your nostrils start to twitch and something definitley smells like over cookd hair and hot dogs you are still getting pumped and you dont know why I turn up the guitar wailing volume up and add a wah wah pedal to the mix at this point im dribbling from almost every hole as are you and the audience. Something smells bad. (Hard.) then your face falls off.

Cut to a giant Close up of the bald bit of Mr T’s head just next to his mohawk the camera spins out and around his head to reveal Mr T himself sweating badly taking a massive shit in some mexican guys ear. Its Chico. this smells really bad and the guitar finally wails out HARD!!! ONWOE!!W!!11 AT FULL VOLUME Stuff is exploding deep inside your pants and the audience is crying because they are so pumped and are punching each other and now you are punching yourself because you are reading this and probably biting your hands off because you know Steven Fucking Seagal is going to be in this film at some point – youve seen the movie poster and everything and puked on your mum BAD.!!11

now Steven Seagal is in the background holding half a smashed snooker cue in each hand, gurning hard, trying to stay composed but looses it and says in a loud voice

“You cheese dick bastard!”

Mr T just carries on crapping only this time hes wiggling his ass in a mocking way and now poo is falling on chicos hair and neck. hes crying as would you probably if Mr T did this on you.

Seagal gets so mad about this that he runs up behind MrT and rams one broken half of the snooker cue up Mr T’s Ass and the other he whams hard into Mr.T’s nostril making both his eyes twitch uncontrollably. This looks really bad and chico is still crying as a guitar fucking wails out shit im so fuutredtfjgbinnbying PUMPED!!!11111!!!! now the audience are all inside out and are pouring salt all over each other to try and take their minds off how pumped they are getting and how great this fucking script is.

Then Seagal slashes MrTs thighs with his hands and puts glass and sticks and dirt into the cuts and punches them, this totally Kills Mr T who curls out yet another chocloate log on Chicos wimpy face making him and you cry even more.

to be continued…

LAZER JAXX MULTI ZONE WARZ 5!!!

DISTRIBUTOR: Searing Ring Productions

STARRING: Arnold Svarchenegglerz, Gary Coleman, STEVEN SEAGAL!!!111!!!

Synopsis:

In this madcap comedy romance action horror period drama, Seagal reprises his role as Freeman Stiffrod, a hard bitten, ex- navy SEALS FBI special forces police squad Internal Affairs investigator with a penchant for fluffy pillows. Stiffrod is retired and living out his life on the island of Pangu Pangu, teaching dolphins how to write poetry and teaching disabled kids how to fly. But all is not well on the island of Pangu Pangu as arch villain Rummstein Badong (played vigourously by Arnold Svarzeneggler) sets up his secret Evil Base there and begins plotting to take over the world through the medium of dance. BAdong’s most gifted dancer / assassin is Bobby ‘Twinkle Toes’ Killfarts, (with a barnstorming performance by Gary Coleman.). Twinkle Toes falls in love with one of Stiffrod’s dolphins, and begins dating him tentatively. Stiffrod knows something is up, and the scene is set for all hell to break loose on the idyllic island of Pangu Pangu! With special effects by multi award winning* artist Tony Hart, and an epic, sweeping soundtrack provided by whoever wins pop idol, this is a sure fire hit, guaranteed to please audiences of all ages**.

With cameos by such gifted actors as the second duck from the left in scene 28 of babe the pig, one of sean connery’s eyebrows and the entire cast of ‘el dorado’, this is a film that Time magazine are predicting to be : “The worst film of all time, bar none.”

The Sunday telegraph called it “Absolutely atrocious. A drunk elephant with a pen shoved up its butt could crap out a better script in two seconds flat.”

Rupert Mardleflange of Newsweek cheerfully predicted that “anybody who watches this obnoixious, steaming excuse for a movie will experience the unpleasant sensation of having their brains liquified due to staggering levels of stupidity and a complete lack of pumpitude.”

COMING TO A VIDEO SHOP BARGAIN BIN NEAR YOU!

*1972 BBC runner up prize for best drawing of a cow with a blindfold on in under 5 seconds

**Not a real guarantee. Movie will not appear to people between the age of 4 and 97 inclusive.

disclaimer – watching this movie may cause uncontrollably vomiting, nausea and a nasty case of lockjaw.