Secret Spies of Terrorism Elite Force Codename: Black covert Ops specialistz

 

Directed by
Marlon Chiggrantz
With
Bette Midler
Keifer Sutherland

Writing credits
Keifer Sutherland
Morgan Cultraper
Breton Guyfrunk
Brandon Gilfrag (metrosexual characters, shopping mall scenes)
Spiritual Advisor: Steven P. Seagal

Second Unit Director
Keifer Sutherland

Produced By
Keifer Sutherland

Financed By
Kiefer Sutherland

Executive Producer
Kiefer Sutherland

Advisor
Kiefer Sutherland

Costumes
Kiefer Sutherland

Score composed, conducted and performed by
Kiefer Sutherland
Brian Eno

Thought up by
Kiefer Sutherland

Awesome scenes choreographed by
Kiefer Sutherland
Steven H. Seagal

Heavy Breathing Voice-overs provided by
Kiefer Sutherland

Genre: Action / Adventure / Spy / Espionage / Thriller / Bestiality / Documentary / Kiefer Sutherland / Musical / Assasination attempts / Cooking / Heavy Breathing (more)

Tagline: The fate of the country rests in the hands of one man. And that’s the way he likes it. (more)

Plot Outline: It’s the near future, and ties between the mighty USA and the weaselly New Russian Federation are fraying like a frayed rope that was used to tie up a bunch of stuff but is now fraying badly and the stuff might fall out. President Killgooch, latest in a long line of leaders from the respectable and incredibly wealthy Killgooch family, is steering the country towards a new era in wealthiness and powerfulness and aweseomicity. Vice President Silverwolf has an agenda of his own, however… an evil agenda. Unbeknownst to the President and loads of other people in power, Silverwolf wants to take over the entire country, rename it United States of Silverwolf Rules, and murder the president also. Silverwolf is in cahoots with Premier Chalkronokikabov of New Russia. It is up to Gorfox Crudebolt, Cheif Commanding Officer of the President’s Super Private Elite Anti-terrorism Guard Force, to protect the President (Killgooch) in the lead up to the country’s largest ever election in history ever. Can Crudebolt complete his job, foil the plot to assasinate the president, and keep his crumbling homosexual marriage intact? And what about his relationship with his estranged child/dog hybrid, Sampooch?

User Comments:
“In the final scene you can see Steven Seagal sitting the lotus pose behind the left tit of the Statue of Liberty.”

“this movie sucked so hard my teets fell off.” – Angry Mother

“I hate them terrorists. lets just drop a bomb on the cmiddle east nad be done with it yhear!” Pernippity B. Wallshack

User Rating: 3.3/10 (2,364 votes)

Cast overview

President Killgooch
Richard Dreyfussh

Vice President Silverwolf
Reuben Charred-felix-drapers

Gorfox Crudebolt
Keifer Sutherland

Maltron Crudebolt (in robotic form)
Donald Sutherland

Premier Chalkronokikabov
Dolph Lundgren

Senator Johnny Pain
Jesse Ventura

Senator Grundle
A piece of rotting carpet

Mamma Z “Ooop” (Lady Funka-momma Queen byotch)
Missy Elliot’s Left Buttock

Butcher Bob
Prootenstank Gallflob

Rupert McHollycrabble
Peter Sellers
Cousin Turbine-face
Macaroni Housebland

Luna, spirit of the night
Cher
Sin Kar Won (Master of Deadly Fight Artz)
Brady O’Brady

Also Known As:
Spy Laughing (USA) (working title)
I Spy (USA) (working title)
Spie est ein Spie Underpantz (GRM)
Hola! El Spyola es en me Hosiers! (SPN)

MPAA: Rated PG for close-up footage of people’s necks being karate-chopped and shit, long scenes where chickens headbutt each other’s asses pretty hard, and foul language eminating from a hole in Keifer Sutherland’s face.
Runtime: 178 min / USA:11 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / MNG / Some Mountains and That (next to a river)

Language: American

Trivia:

• The character of Vice President Silverwolf was originally to be played by a grand piano, however complications arose when the silver wig kept sliding off the piano’s shiny surface.
• Keifer Sutherland insisted on using live bullets in all the shootout scenes, resulting in multiple crew member deaths.
• Keifer Sutherland’s nose was so large and pockmarked, crew members repeatedly tried to park their cars in it, resulting in mutliple deaths.
• Actor’s Trademark: Kiefer Sutherland shouting “THERE’S NO TIME” whilst firing a gun
• Director’s Trademark: Slow pans of what appears to be naked bodies writhing against each other, only to zoom out and reveal raw sausages in a blender covered in oil.
• During the shootout scene on the White House, Keifer Sutherland can be seen backlfipping from the roof with a shotgun in one hand and a mobile phone in the other. However in the very same scene he is in the foreground feeding his own legs to a goat.
• Directors trademark: Shoes having a life of their own when their owners have gone to sleep.
• Directors trademark: Comedy at innapropriate times: Inthe scene where Silverwolf is threatening to disembowel the president’s wife with a spork, a pig cycles past on a unicycle whistling “Away in a manger”
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfush being incredibly short and having tiny, beady little eyes.

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: In the scene where Keifer Sutherland uses a jet-bike to escape from the clutches of Premier Chalkronokikabov, his spare leg can be seen dangling by a thread from his shoulder.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Premier Chalkronokikabov having a Bolivian accent. The character is Russian, but in fact grew up in the Czech Republic although he might have had a Bolivian aunt, perhaps.
• Stand-ins are used for 83% of the film. Most noticeable are Keifer Sutherland’s stand in, who is an elderly black lady, and Steven Seagal, who plays 11 other characters.

Quotes:
[first lines]
President Killgooch: (Yawning and waking up) Good morning Silverwolf! What’s the news today?
Vice President Silverwolf: (rubbing his fingers together evilly and whispering under his breath) Oh nothing, you fool, except that I am going to assasinate you and sell this country to Russia!
Gorfox Crudebolt: (fingering his gun) What did you say, you snake in the grass?
Vice President Silverwolf: (hissing) Good day to you, sir! I’ll take my eggs in the pantry, with the slaves!

——————————

Gorfox Crudebolt: Mr President, sir, I don’t trust Silverwolf as far as I could throw him. And that’s pretty not far at all, if you get my meaning. I injured my shoulder playing squash, so… (fingering his gun)
President Killgooch: Do you have an erection, Crudebolt?
Gorfox Crudebolt: Sir! No I do not! I mean… unless you want me to?
(senator johnny pain bursts through the door, defusing the strange tension in the room)
Senator Johnny Pain: (highfiving himself) Who wants some motherfucking steak! (he tears a bite out of an imaginary steak)

——————————

Lucky Star 2: Happy go Lucky

Start with a closeup of a pig eating from a trough. Hard rock music plays hard. Quick zoom in on the pig food, then zoom out up to the stars as a guitar / drum solo wails hard. The pig can be heard squealing a little. A cutout of Patrick Swayze appears in the corner of the screen and begins singing the theme song, “When you can catch upon a lucky star”. He grunts out the words in his husky voice:

“When you can catch upon a lucky star,
You know just where I’ll be.
When you need somebody to hug, yeah baby
That’s where I’ll be.”

Slow fade in from black to the sound of an incredibly tall man headbutting a jar of marmalade played slow motion and in reverse. The scene is a college american football game. People are cheering and drinking beers and hot dogs in slow motion. It is night. The two teams, the Mougenbrockern Raiders and the Toollahassee Sequins, are tied 156 to 156 in the 7th quarter. PatrickSwayze fades off screen but you can still hear the theme tune.

“You gotta reach deep down inside yourself,
And find your inner American soul,
Like the pilgrims did all those years ago,
And then you never let me go”

The word “Go” drags out really long and some synth noises followed by a hard, driving snare beat zork into the speakers at brain-jellifying volumes. Patrick swayze flashes onto the screen for half a second, his eyes closed, hair large and permed, with his fist clenched in front of his breast. He falls to his knees and fades away. The singing continues as the camera zooms in on:
CHIP LEZNAR played by Chuck Norris. Despite playing a college football player, he has a full grown beard and a thousand-yard stare that could kill a bear from 15 miles away. He smirks and throws the football which slams into another players skull causing his legs to blast off his body in different directions and his face to melt. Another player pulls off his mask and the camera zooms in on his face. Freeze frame and it’s Steven Seagal playing MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD. “My inheritance is bigger than yours, assface,” says Seagal. Two huge football players come to tackle him and he sidesteps, grabs one by the ear and the other by the kneecap, steps, twists, shoves and the players land in a heap next to them with their limbs rearranged and their hair on backwards. Seagal and Norris slam their helmets back on their heads so hard that they sink about 10cm into the turf and say in unison “It’s game time. Let’s get it on!”

Quick montage of the rest of the game with Patrick Swayze superimposed in glowing white in the corner of the screen, still singing. Seagal slams into a random player in slow motion who does a backflip before splitting apart like a ripe banana.

“When you think you can’t go on no more,”

Cut to a close up of Norris grinning behind his faceplate. Then zoom out to see that he is standing on a huge pile of dead bodies wearing football uniforms and tossing a ball up in the air. “Come and get it lard-ass,” he says.

“I don’t wanna hear that goddam crap. Suck it up and remember…”

Split screen showing Seagal running towards Norris. Bodies are flying everywhere like ragdolls and random buckets of blood are splashing against the screen and/or your face.

“You got to wish upon your lucky star…”

The two athletes approach each other and the camera zooms out to show the night sky where a shooting star flies across the screen accompanied by the sound of a tramp throwing a cat in the bin.

“And baby that’s where I’ll be…”

Cut to the after party in some big rich slob’s mansion. Seagal and Norris are sipping champagne and flirting with hot babes whilst glaring at each other murderously across the room. Their glare is so intense that one guy accidentally walks in between them when they were staring at each other and promptly a red line appears across his body, then his chest, head and arms slide off and fall to the floor and a fountain of blood and guts sprays out of his decapitated body, showering party-goers in ropy gore which is awesome. Norris and Seagal continue staring at each other throught the fountain of blood. A close up of the blood, combined with a soft-focus split screen shot of Seagal and Norris’s face and the sound of a carpenter bashing a terrapin against a wooden fence, will give the audience the strong feeling of some kind of high-level symbology with a hidden deeper meaning going on. CHIP LEZNAR’s best friend TRIPP MCWILLIAMS says “Hey man are we gonna win the state championships or what? And when are you gonna bone MELISSA CHOAD-HEART. She wants your cock.”

CHIP LEZNAR (Norris) grins and sidekicks a random party-goer so hard he explodes like a watermelon that has been put in the microwave. “That bitch is mine,” he says, extra-loud, still staring sideways at MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD (Seagal.) MARCUS hears this and freaks out, crushing his glass in his hand which explodes and then rubbing the shards of glass in some chick’s face. He stands up and the music stops with that KKKKEEESRCH sound that happens when the needle is suddenly pulled off a record. Partygoers pause midsentence and stare at Seagal and Norris, who are breathing so hard that their nostril hairs are blowing out about 10cm from their face and then inverting and going down their throat pretty hard. Somebody says to Seagal “Chill out dude, have a cocktai—” but he gets cut off mid sentence as Seagal knife-hands him in the throat (still looking only at Chuck Norris) causing his head to fall off and then a dog walks in the patio doors and sniffs the head, then takes a wizz on the head, then howls. Somebody pats Chuck Norris on the shoulder and says “I think you shoul—” but gets cut off as Norris’s foot swivels round at an unnatural angle and zooms up underneath his chin, kicking him hard in the face, then in the ear, lastly in the neck twice causing the guy to vomit and then die.

Freeze frame on this scene of utmost tension. PAtrick Swayze appears breifly wearing diapers and sucking his thumb.

“LUCKY STAR 2” Slams into the screen to the sound of a hampster sitting on a chair being thrown through a window. “HAPPY GO LUCKY” appears underneath as if being spray painted on with a green aerosol can. Screen fades to black and a cutout of Patrick Swayze walks on done on a really bad bluescreen with a thick white outline. He looks at the camera and makes two guns out of his hands, pretends to shoot the camera, then blows imaginary smoke from the ends of his fingers. Freeze frame on him then a shooting star flies across the scene with a noise like a firework.

DIRECTED BY HUMBERT CHOO-KRANTZ headbutts the screen so hard your willy shrivels up and your balls burst.

Hollywood Sasquatch 3

Directed by: Colonel Gadafi
Writing credits: Pierre Jean Luke Picard Jr.
Dolph Lundgren (novel)

Genre: Action / Crime / Romance (more)

Tagline: The movie business is a jungle!
Plot Outline: The Hollywood Sasquatch (Van Damme) returns from the Australian Outback to the Sunset Strip, where he must take down a drug ring led by the flamboyant Ronaldo Flamingo. This time, he’s joined by Huey Lewis, a cross-dressing sassy prostitute with a bazooka for a leg! … (more) (view trailer)

User Comments: greatest sequel involving a Sasquatch ever! Big Foot and the Hendersons can suck my… (more)

User Rating: five out of five acorns 6.`/10 (4,816 votes)

Credited cast:
Jean Claude Van Damme …. Bryce Carmicheal / Captain Sasquatch
Cindy Lauper …. Huey Lewis / Howey Louise
Burt Baccarac …. Ronaldo Flamingo
Danny Glover …. Leutenant Sasquatch
Shaquel O Neill …. Sinbad
Lopez Cortega …. Puerto Rican bad guy no.7 .
Danny De Vito …. Captain Sasquatch Jr.

(more)

Also Known As: Crocodile Dundee 8 (UK) Sassy The Sasquatch and His Bonerific Friends (IRE)

Runtime: USA: 110 min

Country: USA

Language: English

Color: Color (sasovision)

Memorable Quotes:
…….

Bryce Carmicheal: Your really making me sassy, Flamingo. You wont like me when I’m sasquatchy!
Ronaldo Flamingo: Dont be a baby Bryce, or should I say Mr…Captain Sasquatch?
Bryce Carmicheal: Scumbag! Jungle friends unite! I’m going to roger you so badly Flamingo, I’m going to send you back to Columbia with an asshole like a clowns pocket!

…….

Bryce Carmicheal: Dont worry kids, me and my Jungle buddies are gonna give these guys a wizards sleeve like you wouldn’t believe.
Huey Lewis / Howey Louise: Jeezus.

…….

Leutenant Sasquatch: I bestow you with all the powers of the Sasquatch, use them wisely and only for good.
Huey Lewis / Howey Louise: Pffft what a crock of shit.
Captain Sasquatch Jr.:
Hey! Can it wench! Im gonna get my Dad to harpoon you with a Rhino.
Bryce Carmicheal: What… an… Honour…

…….

Hos in tha Spizizaus!?

Plot Summary
* Genres: Comedy, Gangsta Romance, Crime, Sci Fi, Hip Hop
* Tagline: This FBI cracker agent is going undercover, deep undercover… crazy ass nigler.
* Plot Outline: An FBI robot disguises itself as an old lady to protect a beautiful federal witness and her son.
* Plot Synopsis: FBI agent Raymond Spondoool is known best for being a brilliant, master of disguise. When he is mistakenly shot and klilled whilst disguised as a gazelle on a safari type stakeout, his brain is transplanted into the FBI’s latest robotic field agent and reassigned as the Raymondo 5000.
Raymondo 5000′s latest assignment sends him to small-town in Texas, where he’s assigned to trap a brutal rap competition runner up (and prison escapee) who they suspect will be coming down to visit his ex-girlfriend Swindon and her son. Raymondo 5000 sets up a stakeout across from the home of a larger-than-life southern matriarch known as Wiggly Biggly Congee Bongee, who’s about to be visited by Swindon. It’s a simple plan, but there’s one big problem: Unbeknownst to Swindon, Wiggly Biggly Congee Bongee has unexpectedly left town. So Raymondo 5000, decides to impersonate the cantankerous Southern granny. Using a few tricks of disguise, he completely transforms himself into Wiggly Biggly Congee Bongee, even taking on the corpulent septuagenarian’s everyday routine-from cooking soul food to delivering babies to “testifying” at the local church. In the mean time, Raymondo 5000 starts falling for Swindon, who may or may not be hiding some stolen artificial groin replacements. Now, Raymondo 5000/Wiggly Biggly Congee Bongee must somehow find a way to nab his criminal and the girl…

memorable quotes:

Raymondo 5000: Shut yo mouth cracker befo I come over there and release my meta-i mean perfectly normal foot up in yo ass…
…..
Winston La Vern: yo yo yo yo uh yes yo i eat sheet of the street i mean no….greet me in the street because i drop beats on yo ass, but not in a gay way i use gats to coress yo ass…DAMN IT! your balls on my chin AH FOR GODS SAKE!

Raymondo 5000: What the heck is wrong with you boy? I mean er dog Daaaawg…darg. Are you gay or what?
Winston La Vern: What no way!? what are you trying to say!?

Raymondo 5000: Nothing im just saying. You always rap about kissing mens balls.
Winston La Vern: No!…shut up! you… stupid.I hate you!

Raymondo 5000: well theres nothing wrong with that at all im just saying.
Winston La Vern: Drop Dead Grandma!
…..

Raymondo 5000: So Swindon, do you ever think you could develop feelings for a robot?…or a seventy year old black woman that fucks like a robot? hahaha no, no but seriously – AH! Winston! How long have you been standing there!?
Winston La Vern: …Grandma what the hell are you? A jive talking robot cracker or a crazy old african american woman?

Raymondo 5000: I can explain!
…..

Olympic Death Train (Trailer)

Fade up from black to show a snowy mountain in the cold light of dawn. A lonely train track winds through the white snow.
Voiceover:
“When they decided to hold the Olympics in a remote mountain in Northern Canada, they didn’t realise they were about to get more than they bargained for.”
Quick close up of the trains wheels spinning really fast and then a close up of the train’s chimney with a loud “CHOO CHOO” sound, then back to a quiet long shot of the train winding through the mountains.
Voicever:
“They didn’t count on the fact that some people hate freedom, and hate the people that live free.”
Cut to inside the train. Various Olympic athletes sit playing cards, eating soup, or headbutting each other quite hard. The scenery flies past outside the window. Somebody farts really loud and then gets sucked out of an open window.
Some athletes wearing Russian tracksuits are glaring at other athletes wearing american flag tracksuits.
“As the temperature plummets, tension rises in the cabin.”
Cut to a shot of a russian athlete and an american one arguing. the camera zooms in on the russian athlete with a KCHUNG sound. freezeframe and the text:
“STARRING DAVID HASSLEHOFF AS SERGY KALASHNIKOV” smashes onto the screen
unfreeze frame and then: sergy: “You stupid americans! Always having the bigshot and playing your cheat at the cards!”
camera zooms out then back in on the american athlete. freezeframe with the sound of a pigeon being shot and the words:
“STARRING MICHAEL J FOX AS CHIP BRADLEY” slam into the screen four times HARD.
chip bradley: “Screw you ya commie bastard. Fair’s fair and if you can’t take that then you don’t deserve to even breathe the same air as an American!”
Cut to a shot of the two groups staring at each other and stamping their feet on the cabin floor. Other, smaller countries whimper and back away slowly. Cut to a shot of the train rattling too fast and unsteady on the track. Long zoom out to the sound of a horse chewing a wet pair of jeans to reveal that the train track about a kilometer ahead is broken and dangles off the edge of a cliff.
“What they needed was miracle. What they needed was…”
Camera slowly pans down the train corridor to the pantry. The sound of someone whistling and chopping vegetables can be heard. Quick cut to a mega close up of a knife slicing through onions, then peppers, then someones finger accompanied by a scream, really fast. Cut back to the slow zoom along the train corridor. Cut to a shot of someone’s wide back wearing a chef’s outfit. Pan up to reveal a black, shiny ponytail under a bandana. Cut to more vegetables being chopped up, this time superfast.

“Livin on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi starts chunking out of the speakers HARD. Cut to a close up of the chef. Freeze frame on STEVEN SEAGAL’S FACE and the words: “Starring Steven Seagal as Chef Randall Morlock” just as “livin on a prayer” really starts getting going. Seagal suddenly stops whistling and looks at the camera. His left ear twitches and the audience can clearly hear the sounds of high-caliber athletes slapping each other on the face and headbutting shins. Seagal cracks a grin and then winks. Your internal organs begin vibrating as you realise that a montage is coming up and just as Bon Jovi starts wailing “WOAHAH WE’RE HALF WAY THERE, WOWOWOWWWAAAAAAOH LIVIN ON A PRAYER” we cut to a montage showing the following: steven seagal running the entire length of the train in 1.3 seconds and shoulder barging a woman in the back who flies into another customer who spills scolding hot fondue all over his neck and screams then seagal backflips into the toilet and rips a hole in the floor revealing the train tracks flying past underneath for no reason at all. cut to a shot of david hasslehoff ripping off his tracksuit and handing it to his assistant without looking. the audience however can see that he has just handed his tracksuit to steven seagal, who is staring at the side of hasslehoffs neck HARD. hasslehoff, still not looking, touches seagals arms, then neck, before rubbing his face and prodding him in the eye a little. he says “Yuri? Is that you?” Cut to seagal kicking a chair so that it flies up in the air then punching it so that it flies into the side of Hasslehoffs neck (which breaks). Then Michael J Fox goes to high five seagal but seagal sidekicks him in the ribs, causing him to basically rip in half at the waist and fall to the ground. Seagal then squats down and jumps up, smashing a hole in the ceiling, simultanously flinging poison darts at a bunch of bionic cyber-monkeys that the Ukrainians had smuggled with the intention of ruining the 1986 Winter Olympics. Cut to a shot of Seagal standing on two donkeys roped to the top of the train with their tongues hanging out really, really far so that it looks almost unreal, and a quick zoom out to reveal the train still going really fast towards the broken track at the end of the line. Some quick cuts showing a man attempting to eat honey spare ribs with a spoon, sweden on fire, most of berlin underwater, a cheese-eating contest in spain and seven micro-organisms voting on their favourite aftershave followed by stock footage of nuclear explosions.
Voiceover: “This fall, there’s only one man crazy enough to buy a return ticket on… ” and then the title slams in to the screen five times with the noise of an elephant being dropped into a swimming pool filled with jam “OLYMPIC DEATH TRAIN”
RATED “R”
“A STEVEN SEAGAL PRODUCTION” gets smeared onto the screen with pink lipstick accompanied by a harpsichord. Fade to burlap.