Open up on a sunrise on Miami Beach. “Take my breath away” plays softly as the screen fades up. Fade to David Hasslehoff driving a red Lambourghini slowly down the road, his arm hanging out the side, large, permed hair blowing in the wind, and a small rodent making himself at home in his ear.
Pink letters fade onto the screen:
Starring David Hasslehoff as Brandon Hardmax
Fade to show the empty beaches of Miami with only a few random people and/or native americans walking around.
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Brandon Hardmax is a cop with a past.”
Black and white flashback scene of Hardmax in a police station having an arguement with his superiors, one of whom is Apollo Creed from Rocky. WHAM! Hardmax slams his fist down on the table. Apollo mouths “YOU’RE A LOOSE CANNON HARDMAX.” Badly framed close-up of David hasslehoff’s face that crops out his eyebrows and he says “BUT I’M THE BEST YOU GOT!”
Return to colour again and Hasslehoff, still cruising in the lambourghini, shakes his head as if to get rid of the memory.
Now cut to the inside of a police station, early morning still. The superintendent is asleep on his desk with an empty bottle of whisky in front of him, light angling in through the slatted window. Freeze frame on a close up of the snoring face and subtitles fade in:
Also Starring Apollo Creed (From Rocky)
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Superintendent Zabron B. Funkmeister is almost over the hill, with a job he hates and a wife who hates him.”
Cut to a shot of Arnold Schwarzlenegger jogging on the beach with a surfboard under his arm (the surfboard looks tiny next to his ginourmous muscles). Text fades in:
Featuring Arnold Swarchenegger as Sacha von Hurtzman
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Sacha von Hurtzman is an ex-Austrian surfing champion who fell in love with the Miami lifestyle—and drugs.”
Brief shot of a dog trying to hump a car exhaust pipe while fiddle music plays, then a shot of a hammer breaking a pane of glass to the sound of cheese being melted in slow motion, followed by a close up of a plate of hair in a microwave accompanied by three seconds of a man shouting “I’VE LOST MY LEGS” with a Mancunian accent.
Deep voice voiceover man:
“This fall, experience more action than you ever felt possible.”
The song: Two Tribes by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Quick clip montage showing: a car going over a ramp, igniting into a spinning fireball, crashing into the side of a skyscraper which explodes and melts, Arnold Swarchenegger smashing his surfboard over a small child’s head, some cheeseburgers being set on fire then exploding, a cruise ship ramming a bridge until it explodes, David Hasslehoff parachuting from the top of a skyscraper whilst wrestling two lions, Mr. T (guest star) throwing a punch at the same time as Chuck Norris (guest star) throws a punch then their two fists meeting head to head in the screen followed by sparks and a giant explosion, David Hasslehoff on a motorbike doing a wheelie past a petrol station which explodes (twice), a helicopter ramming a tank until they both explode (hard), mustachioed bad guys dying in a hail of bullets then exploding completely, goats getting their hind legs ripped off then exploding, close-ups of computers saying “ERROR ERROR OVERLOAD” and flashing red before exploding, shot of a jeep transforming into a hovercraft, zooming over the water before crashing into a hippo and exploding, the characters of Superintendent Zabron B. Funkmeister, Sacha von Hurtzman and Brandon Hardmax high-fiving each other, nodding, then high-kicking a group of generic thugs in the face in a kind of can-can chorus line, then a shot of an ape jumping up and down and hooting and tearing the floor up and shit, finally showing Hasslehoff emerging from the ocean riding on the nose of a dolphin, taking aim with a ridiculously huge sniper rifle and then a close-up of Alcatraz exploding.
Voiceover guy:
“This fall, experience more comedy than you ever knew existed.”
Montage continues showing Swarchenegger eating a hotdog then shoving the hot-dog in Hasslehoff’s eye. Close up of Funkenmeister laughing and a dog crapping on a duck. Shot of Mr. T sitting and drinking coffee in a coffee shop with David Hasslehoff creeping up behind him, then smashing Arnold Swazrchenegger’s surfboard over a kid, who explodes causing the froth on Mr. T’s cappucino to spill over the edge of the cup pretty hard, cut to Swarchenegger trying to surf without a surfboard and slowly sinking underwater, canned laughter will be playing at this point. Close up of Sylvester Stallone walking repeatedly into a wall instead of using the door right next to the wall, a few shots of horses back-kicking a Coca-Cola truck until it explodes and a bunch of fat kids fall out, and finally a shot of David Hasslehoff creeping up behind a nunsuspecting, beautiful woman, making shushing motions with his finger to his lips and his eyebrows raised, and then elbowing her hard in the spine until she falls over followed by a shot of a mule driving a Lexus and smoking a pipe.
Voiceover guy:
“Miami Death Spree is back with a new cast, new adventures, and new interesting moments of celluloid action.”
Shot of all main characters sitting in Hasslehoff’s Lambhourgihini with sniper rifles, the lambourghini goes really fast then takes off and mechanical wings fold out from underneath and then it flies into the sunset.
Voiceover guy (speaking really, really fast)
“Film is not associated with previous Miami Death Spree movies, the Miami Death Spree Conglomerate, or Quincy Jones production. Warning, watching this movie will cause severe cramp, kidney failure, or headlice. Not intended for general consumption. If swallowed, consult your doctor and do not induce vomiting.”
A STEVEN SEAGAL PRODUCTION blazes onto the screen written in fire. Fade to black, then your eyes melt.
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