Long, establishing shot of space. Black, stars, etc.
Cut to a futuristic rave party with people with computers attached to their heads headbanging to a bunch of robots playing guitars with three, no wait four necks, wailing hard and sparks are flying everywhere and everything.
Cut to a shot of a Intergalactic Space Cops Cruiser, with the camera sliding alongside the edge of this awesome vehicle flying through space. Then the camera zooms in on the cockpit. The person who is driving has a huge cowboy hat on, obscuring his face. His hands are massive, gripping the zebra-skin covered steering wheel. Futuristic country rock music blares from the speakers in the cockpit. Cut to a close up of the computer screen inside the cockpit which says in large, green digital letters WARNING WARNING ILLEGAL FUTURISTIC RAVE PARTY DETECTED WARNING WARNINGS.
Spinning cross fade pan to a close up of the driver’s mouth, which twitches and then smiles. “Party’s over, assholes…”
WHAM! the ship blasts into lightspeed and disappears off the screen.
FROM DIRECTOR RICHARD CRONGENBOURG slams into the screen bloody hard.
Quick cut back to the rave scene and now some people are rapidly inserting and removing hard drives, floppy disks and hyper-DVD’s into each other’s biomechanically-engineered buttholes in some kind of evil, futuristic orgy (with german techno music playing in the background.)
COMES A SPACE ADVENTURE THAT’s OUT OF THIS WORLD…
Suddenly the music goes quiet and the lights come on. All the partyers are like “Huh what the” then a sudden, quick zoom to the DJ booth where the robotic DJ’s head has been ripped off and sparks are coming out.
Frantic drumbeat starts playing as… STARRING STEVEN SEAGAL dribbles onto the screen and Seagal steps from the shadows AS LIEUTENANT BILL KILLSHART slams in to replace it.
Cut to surprised gasps from the audience, then back to Seagal who whips out a Desintegrizer gun and fires it at everyone in the room including innocent bystanders and a guy who just accidentally walked in the door. They all die in a sparking puddle of stuff.
Then a montage to the tune of We Will Rock you by queen plays in order to get you super pumped. quick cuts showing: Steven Seagal being blasted through space without a space suit or anything in a head-on collision with the sun, Seagal grabbing a bad guy’s hand with an aikido grip and then shoving it up the nearest bad guy’s nostrils until it comes out of his ear, seagal eating dinner in a restaurant on the moon and then headbutting a horse, Seagal whipping out a pair of handcuffs on a bad guy and then using them to beat him to death, somebody trying to push toothpaste back into a toothpaste tube (or “Choob”), close-up of a camel’s eyes and it is like “RAAAAH!” having camel rage or something and snorting pretty hard, random shots of the end of a lazer gun with “KAPOW” sound effects and red lazers coming out, split screen effect showing seagal running down a futuristic street really fast on one side and some robotic bad guys riding giant motorbikes on the other side, a donkey raping a goat, a couple eating cheese and win in the french countryside while a giant robot gets ready to stamp on them in the background, steven seagal sitting on the toilet typing on a laptop computer really fast then rubbing his chin, clicking his fingers and shouting “I GOT IT!” and laughing.
WATCH OUT, INTERGALACTIC CRIMINAL SCUM… slides in from the side of the screen
THRE’S A NEW COP ON THE BEAT
Shot of Seagal slowly walking down a futuristic street with a mechanical parrot on his shoulder.
LIEUTENANT BILL KILLSHART smashes into the screen so hard that your shoes fall off.
Fade to green and the words “COMING FALL 1987″ appear in sparkling silver text, then a sparkle of light runs around the edge of the text while a distorted power chord lingers with lots of reverb.
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