From The Executive Throne of Howy Kinkade Snr.

Ah Nam!…Good times you son of a bitch, good times! Never did get to eat that shaven monkey though did we ya bastard?
Ah well, back to business! here are my points in quick succession im shooting from the hip and sitting on the john here, so just hold your dick for a second and listen close!

1. The Headbutt thing… check and check, already forgotten…now I dont know why I’m even popping this boner. We maybe able to rework that into a L’Oreal commercial or something.

2. Not sure about the lumber jack angle. Is there any way we could make the protagonist dipshit a pastry chef of some sort? its more believable that he’ll be in the jungle. Plus, everybody likes pastry. Heck, my man servant Grindolfo even likes pastry and he’s Guatamalen for christssake.

G. I need a giant inflatable of Corey Feldmans butt to be paraded up and down wall street, ASAFP. I mean like yesterday God damn it.

5. Invite this Snortgrangler guy to the MC Hammer commemorative porcelaine plate promo. He sounds like a guy who’d really appreciate a fine commemorative porcelaine plate promo as much as the next guy.

Us red Blooded Sexual Terodactyls have got to stick together what dya say Ya Bastard? aint that right? HAHAHAHA.
F.Y.I. Ive got a bunch of accountants on elephants to drag my yacht out of the dock and up the street to your office building on 57th and 2nd for 8 this evening. We’ll sail to Acapulco even if it does mean dragging my yacht twenty blocks for dinner. See you ate 8 you Maverick Son of a Bitch Ruuudy.

Howy “what i say goes” Kinkade Snr.

From the rockin’ desk of Ruudy!

Howy, ya fuckin hero. I knew I could rely on you. I always have… just like back in ‘Nam. You remember that? Back in ‘Nam? The Peninsula Hotel, cocktails at dawn, naked pigmies doing the tango on our waterbed… Good times, good times man.

As for the heabutting? Forgeddaboutit.

Stupid idea. I don’t know where I got that one from. Some bigshot burst into my office and starts headbutting all the plant pots in my office, then my desk, then my personal assistant Julian and I get a hard on, you know what I mean? I can’t help it, I’m a red-blooded male. Speaking of which, cancel the project, but keep the $20 big ones coming and put me in touch with Corey Feldman’s butt. I got a couple of ideas vis-a-vis his butt, some touching, and huge wads of cash.

So I get a visit from some beefcake the other day. He talks like a goddamn nazi but let me tell you, he is BIG! I mean, his guns are bigger than my jowls, and I have some big jowls lemme tell ya am I right? His name is Adam, or Arnold, or Storkenjager or something. So he’s chomping on a cigar and bench-pressing my secretary and suddenly I got it… the box-office smash of the summer.

One man alone in the jungle. He’s a lumberjack. And he gets cut off from his squad of other lumberjack buddies. Trapped in the perilous jungle, he realizes… he isn’t alone. Yeah that’s right.

There’s an alien in the jungle. And he’s ANGRY! No wait. He’s…. MAD AS HELL! But here’s the best part… the alien as actually… his TWIN BROTHER! In an experiment gone wrong.

It was the soviets that did it. And the beefcake guy is actually the world waterskiing champion of New Jersey. Can he use his waterskiing skills to stay alive long enough to get rescued by his buddies? Will the alien learn the secret of Moo-moo cave before it’s too late? I got no fuckin idea but someone’s gonna have to write the thing and figure that out. Throw in a coupla assploding helicopters, a motorbike chase scene, two (maybe seven) nuclear esplosions, a dog being decapitated, a soundtrack by Wham, a daring bank robbery involving the robbers dressing up as women (can we get Corey Feldman for this?), seventeen worms being stamped on by a rabid llama, a drug deal being busted by some cops with huge (I mean huge – about 3 metres long on each side) mustaches, fourteen, maybe fifteen boat chases, some kind of monument asploding (Empire State? Liberty?), some zombies, an underground boxing match, and we’re laughing all the way to the bank.

That’s a rap. Get that guy, Johnny Wergenstrom, to write it and Jon Landis to direct. If it’s out by next week I’ll be a happy man.

Love,

Ruudy.

PS I’ll be flying my private jet to the top of your office building on 57th and 3rd tomorrow morning. Seeing as it’s only one block away from where I am now, I got to make a detour to the grand canyon to make the trip worthwhile, but let’s do lunch… Book out Harrry’s Cafe over on 73rd and 9th then stuff it full of three-legged horses to fool the press, and we’ll go to Acapulco for some steaks.

And bring that secretary of yours… what’s his name… Mario. Yeah!

PS Corey Feldman.

From The Desk of Howy Kinkade Snr.

Dearest Rudolph,

How the fuck are you ya bastard son of a bitch!? Damn ya!
Just got your e RE: getting in touch with Corey Feldman’s butt, suffice is to say this is do-able re the touching agenda. My boys down in accounts are going apeshit for the headbutting angle, one of the gimps down there even headbutted his own shins out after the 9′o clock debrief and cappocino over at Gunthers on fifty second and third.

I’ll be happy to chuck in the 20 spondoolies up front if you can manage to squeeze in a few wide angles of my buddy Tampa Coraldos new casio ‘sexpression” vibrating wrist watch… thats right im banging his daughter.

love to peaches ya son of a bitch.

Howy Kinkade Senior.

From the desk of Ruudy Chagrits, Hollywood Agent

Yo! Howy!

Listen, I got this freakin’ great idea for a movie, okay? Listen.

Picture it.

It’s the year 1999. The whole world is plunged into some kind of economic and cultural decay. Nobody is interested in soccer or football any more.

The big sport of the future is… Professional Headbutting.

Yeah, you heard me. Headbutting. Pretty hardcore, huh? I knew you would say that. Man I am slapping my thigh so hard right now YESSS!!!! 11

And who’s hot right now? Of course. Mr. Sylvester Stallone. And who else is hot? Corey Feldman. Man is he hot.

And what about that little kid with the hair that looks like a brain… Fred Savage… yeah.

So we got Arnold Stallone in the main role. He’s the current world Headbutting Champeen of the world. Then there’s Corey Feldman, the upcoming, wannabee, little shit kind of a guy. He’s got the natural talent at headbutting, but boy is he lazy. And he has a cute little butt. So he’s the guy that could do it if he really tried, but he doesn’t try that much. Except to tease me with that butt!

So where does Fred Savage come into all this? I hear ya, I hear ya.

Get this. Fred Savage is… Sylvester Swarchzenegger’s twin brother! Yeah. It was the Russians that did it. A cold war experiment gone wrong… the ultimate experiment. In headbutting!

Whoa- I think we got our tagline, Howy.

So Savage is the Soviet experiment gone wrong. Sylvarnold Stallonegger is the all-American good guy, headbutting. Corey Feldman is bringing up the rear as the love interest and wild-card.

And the scene is set for the greatest competition of them all, the WORLD INTERNATIONAL LEAGUE PRIME HEADBUTTING CHAMPIONSHIPS.

Yeah. The tournament is held once every 200 years… on a secret island in the phillipines. By invitation only, from ther mysterious Master Chang (I’m hoping to get that guy from Big Trouble in Little China to play Master Chang… you know… uh… Randy Quaid?)

Totally rad, huh?

So listen, it’s a deadset ace at the boxoffice.

I just need you to fork out the $20 billion for production costs and get me in touch with Corey Feldman’s butt.

Can ya do that for me Howy?

I’m salivatin’ here.

Yours,

Ruudy Chagrits.