Objection Overruled! (Trailer)

Dark screen with a black and white still photo of a skinny lawyer argueing with a judge in a courtroom. The noise of a gavel pounding wood really hard is echoing in the background.

Voiceover:
Grady O’Zoltron used to be a pencil-necked geek.

Another black and white photo flops onto the screen with a “shwip” noise showing the main character (Grady, skinny) in a ring of lawyers, all of whom are pointing at him and sneering. Echoey pointy sneery jibing noises cross-fade from the left speaker to the right.

Voiceover:
His fellow lawyers didn’t respect his ass.

One more photo lands on the pile with a “shpolorp” sound showing Grady kneeling on the road or whatever, looking up to the heavens with his eyes closed and his mouth open and also it is raining pretty hard.

Fade to black with the sound (very soft) of a can of beans being squashed very slowly and somebody chewing a rat’s tail hard.

Voiceover:
Then, one day, his life changed forever.

CHORT!
In zarps the “Oooy bowp bowp-chik chik chikka” music (Everybody Dance Now by C+C Music Factory) at nerve-decimating levels. Training montage showing Grady O’Zoltron pumping some SERIOUS iron at the gym wearing pink spandex shorts and a crop top that leaves his midriff exposed (Camera zooms in and out on his belly really hard and fast.) Cut to Grady high-fiving a tanned beefcake with a handlebar moustache. Cut to Grady running up some stairs really quickly. Quick cut showing a gavel slamming onto the ground again and again and again until it cracks. Shot of Grady, now roughly half the size of Arnold Swahzrlchenerls, reading a book with glasses on and then he slams the book shut and it disintegrates into dust and then his glasses melt all over his face. Next a shot showing a poodle getting permed and then Grady picking it up and drop-kicking it, where it unexpectedly shoots straight up a Yak’s ass, plugging it up like some kind of animal-based butt plug. Cut to a time-lapse shot of Grady’s mullet reaching awe-inspiring lengths and growing before your very eyes.Still, the music pumping HARD… eewwww bowp bowpp…. chik chik chiKKA! Cut to Grady on his back pushing weights off his gargantuan chest. Zoom out to show that the weights are actually two delorians with chicks in bright yellow spandex sitting on them and giggling. Shot of Grady checking out his muscles in a steamy mirror and running his hands through his mullet while pygmies practice their lion-taming routine in the background. Grady is now approximately 5 meters high and 7 metres wide.

The music stops suddenly and he turns around and points at the camera.

Voiceover:
Grady O’Zoltron used to be a pencil-necked geek. Now, he eats pencil-necked geek lawyers for breakfast. Judge, jury, and objectiocutioner!

Brief montage showing Grady headbutting various lawyer geeks, walking into a courthouse but getting stuck in the door because his shoulders are so big, smashing two geeks heads together which explode like cheesecakes filled with ketchup (accompanied by a SHNYARSH noise), tallying up totals on a really old copy of Excel on a BBC Micro computer and then shouting RAARGH and punching a hole in the computer screen, Grady looking through case files and wearing huge comedy glasses which then simultaneously melt, evaporate, explode, implode AND go all droopy.

Voiceover:
This fall, the courtroom is hotting up.

Shot of the jury mopping their sweaty brows with hankerchiefs and then catching on fire and melting and moaning horribly.

Voiceover:
This fall, ALL objections are… OVERRULED!

STARRING RUEBEN CHARRED-FELIX-DRAPERS as GRADY O ZOLTRAN (mispelling intentional) slams into the screen accompanied by a “TRAZZ!” noise.

“A SYLVESTER STALLONE PRODUCTION” wipes across the screen to the sound of a severed donkey penis being wiped across a cheese grater.

Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters (Trailer)

Fade up from black to show an abandoned street-ball court. A metal chain-hoop blows in the wind.
“Africa” by Toto plays hard in the background.
Quick zoom up to the backboard of the net and a face fades into view, superimposed on the top left corner of the board.
It’s Steven fucking Seagal.
Voiceover begins. The voice is incredibly deep and gravelly as if being spoken by a man who eats gravel, cigars and bottles of whisky for breakfast:
“Three years ago, Bobby Gunthrax lost the world streetball championships.”
Sudden cut to a crowd of people booing in slow motion accompanied by booing sound effects. Cross fade to a close up of Seagal’s face.
“Haunted by the loss, Guntrax went to the mountains of Tibet to contemplate his fate.”
The music changes to chinese flute music and cut to a shot of Seagal standing naked on top of a mountain with his eyes closed and arms spread wide.
“There, he learnt the ancient secrets of Tibetan Karate from a hundred-year-old master.”
Brief training montage to the tune of “the only way is up” by Yazz, showing Seagal headbutting a tree, then himself, then showing him in the horse-stance position with bowls of human turds balancing on his face, then a close-up of bricks being smashed by a goat and Seagal punching the goat in the face, seagal running over a tiny rope bridge separating two mountains then when he reaches the other side, backflipping back to the first side while yelling KIAI, Seagal frantically shoving various twigs into his mouth and munching them as quick as possible, seagal kicking a tree and rubbing his shin in pain, seagal sitting in the meditation position with hundreds of needles sticking out of him as an old man repeatedly smashes him in the face with a plank of wood, Seagal tensing up hard as a bunch of dirty village kids kick him in the nads, then the same but with donkeys, and finally a shot showing seagal doing a kata with his sensei, stark naked, and the camera zooms from eye level with seagal all the way back to show the entire earth, which dissovles into seagal’s squinting face.
“Now, the call of the court pulls him back to South Central L.A.”
Fade to another shot of the basketball court with people playing ball. It is very competitive. Generic rap music starts playing hard.
The people crowded around the court, mostly black, slowly part and seagal strolls through, very tall, wearing a tibetan robe, a cowboy hat with tassles on it, woolly boots and with a guitar strapped to his back, parting the people like moses parting the water. People can be heard whispering “Hey that’s him… that’s Bobby Gunthrax” Close up of a black kid with a huge hightop haircut saying “Whoa.. Bobby Gunthrax… he was the best streetballer I ever done seen”
WHAM! The chords from “Sweet dreams are made of this” start chunking out of the speakers HARD. Shot of Seagal standing on the edge of the court. The game has stopped playing. Then, in time for when the drums come in, someone throws a ball at Seagal. It bounces off his head, drops to the floor, bounces once, twice, then comes to rest -
ZORP!
Now a montage of some hardcore streetball with Seagal aikido-flipping anyone who gets in his way, slam dunking on motherfuckers faces and generally high-fiving with the crowd.
Voiceover continues:
“This Summer, Bobby Gunthrax is back on the court. Only this time, he’s playing for keeps.”
Quick close up of the love interest, Barbara Streisand with a leapordskin leotard, pink headband and purple wristbands with knee-high ruffled socks, tapping her toes to the music and having horrible eye makeup. She winks. Brief close up of a meerkat screaming and then two shots of locks closing on doors, one final shot of the basketball court (now empty), then a close up again of Seagal mouthing the words “It’s game time”.
Fade to black and the title “Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters” slams into the screen accompanied by a reverberating snare drum noise.