Hello Doctor, thanks again for your most insightful and carrot-shaped interview last week.
Questions have been flooding in from our readers, so I shall waste no further time in dilly dallying along with all this pre-amble and move swiftly and surely yet gracefully, to the crux of the question, being the following items that I previously outlined as being questions from our dear readers, as appears below, so without further ado let us hurry along to the said mentioned above inquiries.
PS Cheese rules.
PPS If you have a safety helmet you are advised to place it upon your bonce now. If you forgot to pick one up on the way in, slap yourself on the wrist and go back and see Betsy at the entrance and she’ll sort you out with one. You really need it in here. Shit flying everywhere. Real, human shit.
Question 1
HI DOCTOR. I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW IT IS THAT YOU BECAME SO AWESOME AND FAMOUS DESPITE ONLY EVER LEARNING THE ALPHABET UP TO THE LETTER P
From Dorothy Spalding, North Dullwich
Dr.Hobo Well Dorothy, Id have to say its all down to a mixture of luck and telekinesis, but mostly telekinesis because I don’t need luck. I mainly write in this way channeling my thoughts through my man servant, Margaret, whom I found during a research expedition in the botacoo-condo basin nestled in the foot hills of machu pichu. Margaret doesn’t speak a word of English bless him, so I massage a Camombert into his shaven head to make him more receptive to my psychic projections. That and give his chair a good kick when he gets it wrong.
Question 2
How big is your wongle and where do you keep it when it isn’t farmed out to various sub-contractors?
From Malgrug Zabonga, Bournemouth
Dr.Hobo Dearest Malgrug, the size of a mans wongle is very much his wife’s business however, I can divulge that it is housed in various Beerfest tents throughout Bavaria during the summer months.
Question Teeth
I once heard you devoured an entire amateur cricket team in one sitting. I personally have been able to eat numerous Sunday league football teams. Which do you think requires the most intestinal fortitude, and when?
From James Sockford, Tipton-on-sea
Dr.Hobo This is a question Ive been getting a lot of recently what with Englands dreadful cricket record of late, amateur cricketers have been literally queuing up to be eaten. However, in response to your question James, I would have to say that Cricket teams require slightly more intestinal fortitude to digest. Basically they have more equipment to consume, which I find pleasant to enjoy as a garnish to a side salad or as a simple pan fried/flambade dessert. Most kinds of Amateur sports persons should ideally be consumed at low tide apart from of course, amateur jockeys who should be barbecued in August.
Question Bolt-flags
Good afternoon dear sire, I am to offer you a 100% risky free commercial offer. You see, I am the late husband of the aforementioned deceased Iraqi Oil Mega-baron, Sheik Dhabba G. Ackbar. He left in my posession 10 of your million English Pounds ($45,9000,000000,00,00,0000,.6) which I would liek very much to be set up in a foreign account. Please to excuse my contacting you in this manner but I must assure you I am 100% disease free and able to meet up at any time to discuss this further. PIn order to us for proceed, I simply need your bank account details, date of birth, and mother’s maiden names (if any.) Thanks and God BE WITHYOU AMEN.
From MRS MOHAMMED AISHA, IRAN
Dr.Hobo Not one word… Amen.
Question 11
Buy and cure yourself. Confidential and secure purchase!
Need to buy medications but don’t know where?
Best solution is Viagra or Cialis pills.
High-quality meds with huge discounts.
Same Viagra, Cialis as in US based pharmacies but at low price! From Aaron Edwards, USA
Dr.Hobo Time Waster!
Question 8
Why did you turn down your part in the Lord of the Rings saga when offered it by Peter Jackson? Is it my beard or general foul odour?From PEter Jackson, Wellington
Dr.Hobo I told you Peter, you are a bastard of the highest caliber and until you get rid of that bloody face fuzz and go with the cravat and bearskin hat (like I have suggested previously time and time again) I don’t want to hear another word, let alone movie offer out of your god awful sailors mouth. You really are a bit of a toilet you know that don’t you!? be gone bastard. I’ll deal with you on Tuesday at Pontifrat’s boat party. Prepare yourself for a damn good thrashing!
Bonus Question 8
Why didn’t you say hello to me at Tesco’s the other day? I was the guy with a large trenchcoat and a tattoo of your face on my erect penis which I was using to whack other customers in the Fresh Meat department in the face. From Psychotic Fan, Ipswich
Dr.Hobo Peter this really is getting beyond a joke. I mean it if you dont stop this im goiung to come over there and have Margaret punch your bearded face off.
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