Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters (Trailer)

Fade up from black to show an abandoned street-ball court. A metal chain-hoop blows in the wind.
“Africa” by Toto plays hard in the background.
Quick zoom up to the backboard of the net and a face fades into view, superimposed on the top left corner of the board.
It’s Steven fucking Seagal.
Voiceover begins. The voice is incredibly deep and gravelly as if being spoken by a man who eats gravel, cigars and bottles of whisky for breakfast:
“Three years ago, Bobby Gunthrax lost the world streetball championships.”
Sudden cut to a crowd of people booing in slow motion accompanied by booing sound effects. Cross fade to a close up of Seagal’s face.
“Haunted by the loss, Guntrax went to the mountains of Tibet to contemplate his fate.”
The music changes to chinese flute music and cut to a shot of Seagal standing naked on top of a mountain with his eyes closed and arms spread wide.
“There, he learnt the ancient secrets of Tibetan Karate from a hundred-year-old master.”
Brief training montage to the tune of “the only way is up” by Yazz, showing Seagal headbutting a tree, then himself, then showing him in the horse-stance position with bowls of human turds balancing on his face, then a close-up of bricks being smashed by a goat and Seagal punching the goat in the face, seagal running over a tiny rope bridge separating two mountains then when he reaches the other side, backflipping back to the first side while yelling KIAI, Seagal frantically shoving various twigs into his mouth and munching them as quick as possible, seagal kicking a tree and rubbing his shin in pain, seagal sitting in the meditation position with hundreds of needles sticking out of him as an old man repeatedly smashes him in the face with a plank of wood, Seagal tensing up hard as a bunch of dirty village kids kick him in the nads, then the same but with donkeys, and finally a shot showing seagal doing a kata with his sensei, stark naked, and the camera zooms from eye level with seagal all the way back to show the entire earth, which dissovles into seagal’s squinting face.
“Now, the call of the court pulls him back to South Central L.A.”
Fade to another shot of the basketball court with people playing ball. It is very competitive. Generic rap music starts playing hard.
The people crowded around the court, mostly black, slowly part and seagal strolls through, very tall, wearing a tibetan robe, a cowboy hat with tassles on it, woolly boots and with a guitar strapped to his back, parting the people like moses parting the water. People can be heard whispering “Hey that’s him… that’s Bobby Gunthrax” Close up of a black kid with a huge hightop haircut saying “Whoa.. Bobby Gunthrax… he was the best streetballer I ever done seen”
WHAM! The chords from “Sweet dreams are made of this” start chunking out of the speakers HARD. Shot of Seagal standing on the edge of the court. The game has stopped playing. Then, in time for when the drums come in, someone throws a ball at Seagal. It bounces off his head, drops to the floor, bounces once, twice, then comes to rest -
ZORP!
Now a montage of some hardcore streetball with Seagal aikido-flipping anyone who gets in his way, slam dunking on motherfuckers faces and generally high-fiving with the crowd.
Voiceover continues:
“This Summer, Bobby Gunthrax is back on the court. Only this time, he’s playing for keeps.”
Quick close up of the love interest, Barbara Streisand with a leapordskin leotard, pink headband and purple wristbands with knee-high ruffled socks, tapping her toes to the music and having horrible eye makeup. She winks. Brief close up of a meerkat screaming and then two shots of locks closing on doors, one final shot of the basketball court (now empty), then a close up again of Seagal mouthing the words “It’s game time”.
Fade to black and the title “Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters” slams into the screen accompanied by a reverberating snare drum noise.

Early days…

Steven Segal script.

Scene 1

Exterior, night

This old lady is walking her dog down a nice street with trees and things. suddenly this mugger jumps out of nowhere and totally mugs the old dame. he starts running away, looking backwards to laugh at the poor old lady.

suddenly out of nowhere there is a rustling sound in the trees above. the mugger stupidly looks around and then suddenly is almost decpitated by a huge arm whooshing through the air. close up of the mugger’s head hitting the concrete pavement and his face saying ‘ouch’. zoom on the hand which just clotheslined the mugger, and you realise that it is slowly twirling some buddhist prayer beads. slow, steady guiter wailing starts up in the background. the camera pans across the arm, revealing a nicely embroidered chinese suit. cut to the criminal on the floor who begins to crawl away when suddenly a cowboy boot slams into his spine pinning him to the pavement. (he stops moving). sudden close up of a pair of eyes with big eyebrows above them. as the camera zooms out we realise the face is gurning pretty hard, and of course it is steven segal. he says ‘what have we got here?’ and it doesnt even cut to the criminal to respond because straight away segal says ‘a goddam piece of shit’ then he reverse punches the guy in the neck hard causing the guys liver to rupture pretty bad. the guy is all like ‘shit that hurts’ and seagal is like ‘good luck dieing you piece of goddam crap’ seagal bends over and farts, simultaneously snatching the stolen handbag back from the thief. he throws it back at the old lady and says ‘take care’. he turns around and flies up into the air, pointing in the direction he wants to go. cut back to the granny and her handbag is lodged in her face from the force of segal’s throw. the camera zooms out slowly, then quickly, then explodes.

scene 2

some relaxing pipe-music is playing. wide, establishing shot of steven segal in his mansion playing a game of charades with mr T, Judge Judy, robocop and renee zerwelleger. mr T is really pumped because he is winning the game, but everybody else is super pissed because he has eaten all of the rich tea biscuits in a fit of rage. segal is contemplating this, wondering why in all of time and space such existential agonies manifest themselves so contritely. at the same time, he is calmly slapping everyone in the face. judge judy slams down her cup of tea and starts tearing off her disguise. everybody starts freaking out and renee zerwelleger sprays diarrhiea all over robocop. (he dies from this.) but seagal calmly knows what the hell is going on, realising that judge judy was an evil martian from Jupiter hell bent on destroying the universe. before she gets a chance to fully transform, segal smoothly moves over to her with non-jerky movements. just as she is about to tear the fabric of space/time, segal says ‘guess what bitch, you are dead’ and punches her in the sternum so hard that her and her home planet implode with a squeaking noise followed by a popping noise.

Everybody is like ‘thanks man’ to which segal replies ‘dont thank me, thank my incredible cheese toast particles.’ he holds the particles up in the air for people to see, and the people start clapping. until segal puts them away, then they go quiet again. he stabs most of them in the neck with a screwdriver before leaving the room. fade to purple and the words ‘the end…?’ appear. screen explodes.

Zombie Time Machine (1989)

Directed by:
Melinda Craven

Writing credits:
Melinda Craven
Ronaldo Macdonaldo
Hercules B Awesome
Jules Verne (Via psychic medium.)

Genre:
Horror / Sci-Fi / Zombie / Time-travelling mega adventure (more)

Tagline:
Time to turn those dials…. TO ZOMBIE!!

Plot Outline:
In the early 19th century, a eunuch stumbles upon a fantastic machine with the abilty to send the user to the future! (Or past, whatever.) However, there’s a catch… A zombie catch! The time machine was in fact invented by zombies from pre-raphaelite India…
… (more) (view trailer)

User Comments:
“are they seriously claiming that jules verne was involved in this travesty and helped them write the script from beyond the grave?” – Timothy Jorlox

“Yes, we are.” – Melinda Craven

“Well, thats dumb.” Timothy Jorlox

“Why dont you come back to me when you have successfully released a movie that grossed over $1,545 at the box office, eh timmy boy?” – Melinda Craven

“so i need to direct a movie to tell you your shitty movie sux??” Timothy Jorlox

“Tell it to the crew over at MegaMAX Zombie Movie Review who gave me the runners up prize for best independent feature about zombies and time machines directed by a woman with at least 4 spastics in lead roles. Yeah, tell it to them, Timmy Boy.” – Melinda Craven

“did you just say spastics?” Timothy Jorlox

“Hacksaw jim duggan RULES! HORRRRR!” WWF-fan2005
… (more)

User Rating:
2/10 (5 votes)

Credited cast:

Malakai Zorbonne
Terry Tofflo

Gordon Londinium
John Gorlap

Og
Robert de Niro

Robo-man E-7766
Eddie Murphy

Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu
Pierce Brosnan

King Solomon
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hitler
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Stalin
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Jesus
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Emperor Hirohito
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Bill Gates
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Woody Allen
(more)

Also Known As:
The Hacksaw Jim Duggan Show (Alberquerqe)
Ein Zombie-flitsch zer Clokspin (GER)

Runtime:
USA: 120 min
Luxembourg: 121 min

Country:
USA / ROMANIA

Language:
Prehistoric Dutch, Lower English, Zorflax.

Memorable Quotes:

Malakai Zorbonne: What ever is this strange device? A clock? An automobile? Some devilish combination of the two?
Gordon Londinium: We shall see, Malakai. Come, let us see now!
Malakai Zorbonne: Alas, forthwith see we shall.

……………….

Og (clubbing himself on the head with a club): Og. Og bog snogga rog.
Malakai Zorbonne: I think he’s trying to communicate.
Gordon Londinium: Are you sure it is a he?
(Malakai Zorbonne and Gordon Londinium inspect Og’s genitals for an extended period.)
Gordon Londinium: He appears to be a fully functioning male home-erectus.
Malakai Zorbonne (doing up his flies): Yes… very erectus!
(Malakai and Gordon laugh heartily)

……………….
Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu: I am nothing but a construct of light and energy and spirit.
Gordon Londinium: What have you done with Malakai you foul abomination!
Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu: Malakai is here with us.
Gordon Londinium (tears welling in his eyes): Malakai, you FOOL! I told you not to visit the future without me… I TOLD YOU!
Jesus (swinging a 2×4 towards Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu): Take that ya nebulous piece a crap!
Robo-man E-7766 (shooting Jesus in the face with a laser): That’s enough of that, cracker!
………………..

Hitler: How did ve get here?
Stalin: Dis appearsa to bea some kind of ole torn in de fabric ofa de space-time.
Jesus (smashing Hitler over the head with a plank of wood):
St. Paul, 3:12: Thou shalt remove the plank of wood from your own eye before complaining about the piece of sawdust in your fellow man’s, motherfucker.
(Stalin begins violating Hitler’s corpse)
Gordon Londinium (appearing from thin air): What! What are you doing you… animals! I didn’t bring you back to the future in order for you to act like common animals!
Robo-man E-7766 (shooting Gordon Londinium in the face with a laser): I AM NO ANIMAL, LONDINIUM!
………………..
Gordon Londinium (frantically eating a spoon): Must… eat… spoon…
Malakai Zorbonne (unzipping his flies and moving towards Gordon Malakai): Gordon… Gordon… What has become of you? It’s as if you don’t realise what is happening around you…
Gordon Londinium (trying to look at his own brain): Must look at… my own brain…
Malakai Zorbonne: You… you don’t know what is happening, do you? I could do anything I want and you wouldn’t remember… If we went back in time afterwards!
Gordon Londinium (scratching his armpits and jumping up and down): Must… scratch armpits… and jump up…. and down.
Malakai Zorbonne: Robo-man, set the time machine to pre-historia… I am taking Gordon on a little vacation! A… sexy vacation.
Robo-man E-7766 (sighing mechanically): Acknowledged.

Goofs:
• Factual errors: Winding a clock up backwards does not allow you to travel through time. Even if you wind it really, really fast.

• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Malakai Zorbonne’s character displays clearly homosexual tendancies. The more observant among you will notice that homesexuality was not invented until tennis became popular in 1935. However, let’s not forget people, THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT TIME TRAVELING?!

• Revealing mistakes: The time machine’s tail is clearly visible flopping around on the floor throughout most of the movie.

• Miscellaneous: Hacksaw Jim Duggan ordered one pig every day to be sent to his trailer. At the end of filming, 427 pigs were found, unharmed but wild-eyed (and later found to be clinically sterile), huddling together and moaning quietly.

• Factual errors: The formula for turning back time is not “1 part audacity times the speed of light squared, divided by two handsome adventurers”. as quoted in the script.

• Continuity: Gordon Londinium’s nose moves around his face throughout the movie, at one time appearing sticking out of the barrel of his gun, before settling on his left knee-cap where it remains until the end of the movie.

• Revealing mistakes: Actor Terry Toflo’s prosthetic head is glaringly obvious in the love-making scenes.

• Continuity: Robo-man E-7766 smokes a cigarette in every scene. In scene 12b, the cigarette gets progressivley shorter in each take, but then suddenly gets longer towards the end of the scene. At frame 237, the cigarette, which should have been smoked down to the butt by now, is clearly the seven-metre erect penis of a whale

Insider Trivia:

• Cast and crew took 3 months of shooting before realising that Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s agent had accidentlally sent a horse dressed up as a cowboy instead of the real Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

• Actor’s Trademark: Terry Toflo eating his food through a straw coming out of his butthole.

• Upon seeing Woody Allen’s performance as Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is said to have flown into a terrible rage and eaten twelve packets of crisps in a row. Once the crisps had been digested he later apologised to Woody Allen before ramming a plank of wood up his nose and patting him on the shoulder saying “There there, there there.”

• Actor’s Trademark: Pearce Brosnan self-harming when he doesn’t get his way.

• Director Trademark: People wearing hats made out of jellyfish.

• Music plays during important or significat scenes.

• The people playing the characters in the film are in fact professional actors; there is no Gordon Londinium, and they did not travel back in time to the 14 billion BC and invent cutlery.

• Director Trademark: Homosexual time-travelling adventurers save the world from catastrophe.

• Actor’s Trademark: Woody Allen’s eyeballs slowly drooping out of his head.

• Director Trademark: Trapdoors slamming shut on character’s balls

Words 1

You might enjoy these words.

Try reading them aloud, whilst stroking your chin, or perhaps before or after sipping a cup of herbal tea.

Try them on your friends.

BARLAX

Chamble-groan

Fukkortle-grat

Shnammely-bone

Mookertint

Spiel-do-stangle-whip

Craffa

Charble snoogz

Rongledar

Groof-shpit

Gaffa Razza

Snorgum-glard

Frimp

Troot

Greel

Truntle

Zilfag

Parsnax

Toolgab

Barto

Bripple

Undronk

Filtrap

Kriddle / Drongle