Subliminal Criminals

The year is 2025 thousand and seven…explodes onto the screen
over the shoulder shot of a man in a space suit twiddling a knob on a futuristic yet very 80s TV set. Some static, then a close up of a man’s moustache appears on the screen.
Close up of the man in the space suits face, he’s possibly an astronaut or some kind of futuristic stock market guy. Either way he’s pretty fucking pumped this is obvious because his beard is growing and shrinking extremely fast and his eyes are bulging and steam and baked beans are coming out of his tear ducts. Shit. yep that’s right you’ve just crapped yourself because your spleen has inverted.

Cut back to the screen to show Tom Selleck’s big fat face filling the screen, zoom out to reveal he’s sitting on a camel in just a pair of stars and stripes speedos grinning like a baboon. Him and the Camel amble up a beach to Wesley Snipes who is crouched next to a fire in the sand he’s also wearing Speedos only his are pink with a palm tree and a pina colada covering his balls.

close up of Wesley Snipes’ stupid grinning face, a coconut hurtles through the air and smashes him hard on the back of his head. He slumps face down into the fire evacuating his bowels into his speedos in the process. The camera follows the trajectory of the coconut and we see Arnold Schwasenegler tossing a coconut up and down in one hand and smoking a stogie. He says

“HAY Poin dexder, lets get thee paaardey shdarded!”
“Push it” by salt N pepa starts to play.

David Hasselhoff runs up the beach from out of nowhere, shouting “BOO YA - in your face grandma!” at an old lady and pointing to his crutch with a magnum.

Steven Seagal rocks up the beach in a jeep filled with bikini clad girls, knocking small children over.

Someone shouts BOO YA! off screen and a gunshot is heard followed by someone squeeling in agony.

Wesley Snipes sits up with blood dribbling from one nostril and a golf ball sized lump on the back of his head explodes. His eyes are blood shot and his chest is red raw from the fire he just fell on.

The Jeep skids next to the camel showering Snipes in sand and broken glass, he screams in pain but its too late, the camel mule kicks him through the brain making pate and sand and glass jet out his nostrils HARD!

Seagal steps out of the jeep wrapped in bikini babes and popping a boner. He’s wearing an orange moo moo, no trousers and cowboy boots. His boner twitches then subtitles crash onto the screen over a montage of Mr.T break dancing with street kids Seagal headbutting Zebras making their intestines shoot out of their bums like silly string, Tom Sellic and Arnold Swarzenegger smoking stogies and kicking camels. The subtitles exclaim:

JOIN THE ULTIMATE SUPERSTARS IN THE LATEST BEACH PARTY BASED CELEBRITY REALITY TV SHOW “IM INSANELY AMAZING SO WATCH ME BACK FLIP OVER STUFF SERIES IV”

smell of burning hair and hamster insides are running rampant in your nostrils and not to mention frontal lobe. You’ve soiled yourself as have I. FADE TO PURLACK!

Dark screen with a black and white still photo of a skinny lawyer argueing with a judge in a courtroom. The noise of a gavel pounding wood really hard is echoing in the background.

Voiceover:
Grady O’Zoltron used to be a pencil-necked geek.

Another black and white photo flops onto the screen with a “shwip” noise showing the main character (Grady, skinny) in a ring of lawyers, all of whom are pointing at him and sneering. Echoey pointy sneery jibing noises cross-fade from the left speaker to the right.

Voiceover:
His fellow lawyers didn’t respect his ass.

One more photo lands on the pile with a “shpolorp” sound showing Grady kneeling on the road or whatever, looking up to the heavens with his eyes closed and his mouth open and also it is raining pretty hard.

Fade to black with the sound (very soft) of a can of beans being squashed very slowly and somebody chewing a rat’s tail hard.

Voiceover:
Then, one day, his life changed forever.

CHORT!
In zarps the “Oooy bowp bowp-chik chik chikka” music (Everybody Dance Now by C+C Music Factory) at nerve-decimating levels. Training montage showing Grady O’Zoltron pumping some SERIOUS iron at the gym wearing pink spandex shorts and a crop top that leaves his midriff exposed (Camera zooms in and out on his belly really hard and fast.) Cut to Grady high-fiving a tanned beefcake with a handlebar moustache. Cut to Grady running up some stairs really quickly. Quick cut showing a gavel slamming onto the ground again and again and again until it cracks. Shot of Grady, now roughly half the size of Arnold Swahzrlchenerls, reading a book with glasses on and then he slams the book shut and it disintegrates into dust and then his glasses melt all over his face. Next a shot showing a poodle getting permed and then Grady picking it up and drop-kicking it, where it unexpectedly shoots straight up a Yak’s ass, plugging it up like some kind of animal-based butt plug. Cut to a time-lapse shot of Grady’s mullet reaching awe-inspiring lengths and growing before your very eyes.Still, the music pumping HARD… eewwww bowp bowpp…. chik chik chiKKA! Cut to Grady on his back pushing weights off his gargantuan chest. Zoom out to show that the weights are actually two delorians with chicks in bright yellow spandex sitting on them and giggling. Shot of Grady checking out his muscles in a steamy mirror and running his hands through his mullet while pygmies practice their lion-taming routine in the background. Grady is now approximately 5 meters high and 7 metres wide.

The music stops suddenly and he turns around and points at the camera.

Voiceover:
Grady O’Zoltron used to be a pencil-necked geek. Now, he eats pencil-necked geek lawyers for breakfast. Judge, jury, and objectiocutioner!

Brief montage showing Grady headbutting various lawyer geeks, walking into a courthouse but getting stuck in the door because his shoulders are so big, smashing two geeks heads together which explode like cheesecakes filled with ketchup (accompanied by a SHNYARSH noise), tallying up totals on a really old copy of Excel on a BBC Micro computer and then shouting RAARGH and punching a hole in the computer screen, Grady looking through case files and wearing huge comedy glasses which then simultaneously melt, evaporate, explode, implode AND go all droopy.

Voiceover:
This fall, the courtroom is hotting up.

Shot of the jury mopping their sweaty brows with hankerchiefs and then catching on fire and melting and moaning horribly.

Voiceover:
This fall, ALL objections are… OVERRULED!

STARRING RUEBEN CHARRED-FELIX-DRAPERS as GRADY O ZOLTRAN (mispelling intentional) slams into the screen accompanied by a “TRAZZ!” noise.

“A SYLVESTER STALLONE PRODUCTION” wipes across the screen to the sound of a severed donkey penis being wiped across a cheese grater.