Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez (1986)

Directed by
Steven Seagal
James Earl Jones
The artist formerly known as Prince, then as just a squiggly line, now as Prince again under the pseudonym of Earl Nicholas Pilchard-Chip-Granblerzz

Writing credits
Steven Seagal (including soundtrack) and
Mick Jagger (characters)
Rupert Everett (Second Draft, all homosexual characters, animal noises)…
(more)

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / hip-hop Educational (more)

Tagline: These robotic bitchez does be dronin’!(more)

Plot Outline: On an abandoned mining facility in Neo-Saudi Arabia far in the future, a Hyper Dronez manufacturing plant is the setting for an all out war between Razzy Ladytron with his band of motley space-pirates, and the Hyper Dronez, hip-hip robots sent back from even further in the future to wreck some shit hardcore.

User Comments: “Futuristic Sci-fi action hip hop is the best genre EVEr.” (more)

“the director has a boner for chase scenes. Which is ok I GUESS” – Razorface

User Rating: 8.3/10 (86,364 votes) top 250: #70

Cast overview, first billed only:

Razzy Ladytron
Chazz Palminteri

Michael Jordan
Chargrill Charlie

Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson
Stephen Seagal

General Daglon Killshit
Corey Feldman (with large shoulder pads)

Grandal Tooflegart
Rupert Murdoch / Arnold Swarchenegger

Abraham Zarflog (Hyper Drone)
Mustapha P. Warsaw

Creshno Murderstank (Hyper Drone)
Leeroy J. Musketstab

Indian Yoga Expert
Rahjeen Parvel III (“Boopy”)

Person who turns up late for rollerskating event:
James Woods

Grandma Chickenscarfer
Drew Barrymore (in disguise)

Rotating Knives Man
Kurt Russel

Gorgonzola Beast-droid
Richard Dreyfuss

Resurrected Dinosaur-Bot “Chompy 2000″
Andy Peters

Also Known As:
Drone that Bitches Ass (USA) (working title)
Murderous Robots II (USA) (working title)
Der Mekanikz Ein Shooting (GRM)

MPAA: Rated R for robotic violence, lethal hip hop moves and razor sharp facial hair including colourful language and gratuitous depictions of robots being molested by goats and/or pencil sharpeners. (1992 special edition)
Runtime: 178 min / USA:154 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / UK / Sizzling Fleshland

Language: English, Ebonics, Marsian, Various squelches and rubbing noises, gutteral wailing, soul poetry

Trivia:

• The Hyper Drones were built from scratch every day out of used clown wigs and melted sassafrazz (freshly squeezed)
• The moves used in the dance off in the final scene were developed by an actual hip hop robot that the cast and crew nicknamed “Clanky Jeffrey” on account of the mechanical noises he made when dancing, making love, or just not doing anything at all. It should be noted that the hip hop robot was slightly rusted and smelled of burning cheese.
• In between the first chase scene, where the Hyper Dronez are chasing General Killshit (in hovercars) from the Maximum Security Prison to the Alien Cantina, and the seventh chase scene where General Killshit’s bio-genetically engineered Super Llama Android on a hoverbike is chasing Rotating Knives Man (on a hoverboard) from the HyperBall Stadium to the Interplanetary Spaceport, there was initally to be a non-chase-scene scene involving many of the characters doing everyday activities such as rollerblading, shopping, replacing solar powered roof tiles, raising livestock and heabutting each other. However this scene was dropped in favour of another chase scene because it was deemed “too un-chase-scene-like” to be included, and the director though that it needed “more of a chase-scene feeling”. As a result, all non-chase-scene scenes were replaced with chase scenes except for the scenes where characters are a)fighting b)arguing or c)stomping on each other’s necks or faces really, really hard (as these were deemed by the director to be “close enough in feeling to a chase-scene scene to be included alongside the other chase scenes.”). In this case, the non-chase-scene scene was replaced with a chase scene depicting Lazerstaxxx Ronson on a hoverbicycle chasing General Killshit (on a hover-disc) AND the Hyper Dronez (levitating) from the Bio-Domes in sector 4 to the Chemical Android Processing Factory of Hyper-Power. Twice.
• Director’s Trademark: Robotic lead characters perform long soliloquys while other cast members stay frozen in one place
• Actor’s Trademark: Steven Seagal employing at least three different ethnic dialects ranging from black to hispanic to mexican to native american, including a mixture of all four.
• Director’s Trademark: Close ups of twin suns setting while soft synth music plays hard in the background, followed by a bucket of blood splashing onto the screen.
• When both teams are warming up for the Death-blood Bowl Cup competition, Corey Feldman can be seen in the background pulling his trousers down and waving his buttocks in Steven Seagal’s face. This was not in the script. Seagal, attempting to stay in character as “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson, took out his hyper-blaster and shot Feldman, causing his buttocks to melt off. Just before the scene cuts you can see a stray dog coming to sniff the remains of Feldman, and Seagal high-fiving with Arnold Swarchenegger.
• Directors trademark: Animals being set on fire while country rock music plays.
• Directors trademark: Long, drawn out barbecue scenes which inevitably end up with characters accidentally roasting, and dining on, their own limbs.
• Directors trademark: Opening sequence involves hidden camera footage of one or more crew members taking huge dumps
• The artificial leg that Grandma Chickenscarfer uses to ultimately defeat Gorgonzola Beast-droid was made entirely out of frozen blood. It sold on Ebay for $15 and recieved the comment “SPEEDY DELIVERY BUT BLOOD WAS MELTED wuold not buy from seller again…..”
• Actors Trademark: James Woods tearing off his shirt and screaming during a president or political figure’s campaign speech
• Directors Trademark: Climax of movie is filmed in sausage-making factory (see “Revenge of Blood Death 12″ and “Escape back to Return of Monkey Mountain 3″)
• Director’s trademark: Human feet replaced by hoofs during chase scenes
• Director’s trademark: Young children operating heavy lifting equipment (cranes, diggers etc.) and listening to gangsta rap
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfuss getting a killboner during his death scene
• Actor’s trademark: Drew Barrymore dining on the skulls of those who oppose her

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: When the Hyper Dronez say the magic words (“POWER TO COMBINE MAGICALLY FOR ADVANCED MECHANICAL ROBOT DESTRUCTION”) and high five and begin transforming, you can clearly see the wires holding their arms up in the air while somebody else (most likely a crew member) tucks there shirts into their pants and says “there there, there there, mummy will be here soon. Shh. Shh.”
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The first fifteen minutes of the film is footage of Susan McTillgrit (second unit director) in the toilet with a bad case of diarrheoa. (See director’s trademark above)
• Steven Seagal’s pacemaker sets off the fire alarm during the penultimate chase scene, dousing cast and crew in water. Filming continued as nobody wanted to draw attention to the weakness of such a strong, commanding figure.
• James Woods character occasionally played by a worm
• During the beach barbecue scene, James Woods can be seen eating a leg of ham. As the camera cuts between him and Razzy Ladytron, the ham in his hand changes into a half-melted accordion for a brief moment.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Razzy Ladytron (sweeping his arm out in front of him): Look, Space Pirates. Look. A fresh city for us to plunder.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: Excellent. I love plundering.
Grandal Tooflegart (squinting into the distance): Are those… Hyper Dronez?
Razzy Ladytron: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There hasn’t been any Hyper Dronez in all the galaxy since the year five million twelve.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: They kind of look like Hyper Dronez to me, boss. Crunching ones at that.
Razzy Ladytron: Shit.
Gorgonzola Beast-droid: Does this mean there won’t be any plundering?

——————————

Rotating Knives Man: Listen, pal. I risked my neck to give you this information, so the least you could do is sharpen my rotating knives.
Creshno Murderstank (tapping his robotic finger on a table): Don’t get me wrong, Rotating Knives Man. We Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez appreciate your… generosity. But I will not sharpen your blades, for fear of you turning against us and cutting us.
Rotating Knives Man (sweating blood): Damn. DAMN YOU ALL, CURSED MACHINES! Can you at least give me some oil?
Creshno Murderstank: No.
——————————

Michael Jordan: Looks like it’s just us against the hordes of Hyper Dronez.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson: Yeah. Just the way I like it. Bring it on, you tin-covered bastards!
General Daglon Killshit: You say that now, but I guarantee you’re gonna be crying like a little baby when those Hyper Dronez start busting moves on your ass. You ain’t never seen hip hop shapes like these.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson (opening his jacket to reveal a sparkling cube): We’ll see, General. We’ll see.
General Daglon Killshit (shocked): Oh my… oh my god. Is that… is that the Zarflax Cube?
Michael Jordan: Maybe we do have a chance…
(the characters high five and stand up)
(more)

Awards: Won 17 Oscars, including “Best Hip Hop Educational Crossover”, “Best Gun Noises During Underwater Scene”, “Most Uses of the word ‘Hyper’ in a Minute”, “Longest End Credits”, and “Most Awesomest Script”. Another 15 wins & 21 nominations (more)

FAQ:
- If the Hyper Dronez run on Solar Power, how come they choose to mount their final attack at night?
- If General Killshit was really a Hyper Drone in disguise, how come his legs fall off in the last seconds of the movie? (more)

Follow up interview for Dr. Hobo

Hello Doctor, thanks again for your most insightful and carrot-shaped interview last week.

Questions have been flooding in from our readers, so I shall waste no further time in dilly dallying along with all this pre-amble and move swiftly and surely yet gracefully, to the crux of the question, being the following items that I previously outlined as being questions from our dear readers, as appears below, so without further ado let us hurry along to the said mentioned above inquiries.

PS Cheese rules.

PPS If you have a safety helmet you are advised to place it upon your bonce now. If you forgot to pick one up on the way in, slap yourself on the wrist and go back and see Betsy at the entrance and she’ll sort you out with one. You really need it in here. Shit flying everywhere. Real, human shit.

Question 1
HI DOCTOR. I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW IT IS THAT YOU BECAME SO AWESOME AND FAMOUS DESPITE ONLY EVER LEARNING THE ALPHABET UP TO THE LETTER P
From Dorothy Spalding, North Dullwich

Dr.Hobo Well Dorothy, Id have to say its all down to a mixture of luck and telekinesis, but mostly telekinesis because I don’t need luck. I mainly write in this way channeling my thoughts through my man servant, Margaret, whom I found during a research expedition in the botacoo-condo basin nestled in the foot hills of machu pichu. Margaret doesn’t speak a word of English bless him, so I massage a Camombert into his shaven head to make him more receptive to my psychic projections. That and give his chair a good kick when he gets it wrong.

Question 2

How big is your wongle and where do you keep it when it isn’t farmed out to various sub-contractors?
From Malgrug Zabonga, Bournemouth

Dr.Hobo Dearest Malgrug, the size of a mans wongle is very much his wife’s business however, I can divulge that it is housed in various Beerfest tents throughout Bavaria during the summer months.

Question Teeth

I once heard you devoured an entire amateur cricket team in one sitting. I personally have been able to eat numerous Sunday league football teams. Which do you think requires the most intestinal fortitude, and when?
From James Sockford, Tipton-on-sea

Dr.Hobo This is a question Ive been getting a lot of recently what with Englands dreadful cricket record of late, amateur cricketers have been literally queuing up to be eaten. However, in response to your question James, I would have to say that Cricket teams require slightly more intestinal fortitude to digest. Basically they have more equipment to consume, which I find pleasant to enjoy as a garnish to a side salad or as a simple pan fried/flambade dessert. Most kinds of Amateur sports persons should ideally be consumed at low tide apart from of course, amateur jockeys who should be barbecued in August.

Question Bolt-flags

Good afternoon dear sire, I am to offer you a 100% risky free commercial offer. You see, I am the late husband of the aforementioned deceased Iraqi Oil Mega-baron, Sheik Dhabba G. Ackbar. He left in my posession 10 of your million English Pounds ($45,9000,000000,00,00,0000,.6) which I would liek very much to be set up in a foreign account. Please to excuse my contacting you in this manner but I must assure you I am 100% disease free and able to meet up at any time to discuss this further. PIn order to us for proceed, I simply need your bank account details, date of birth, and mother’s maiden names (if any.) Thanks and God BE WITHYOU AMEN.
From MRS MOHAMMED AISHA, IRAN

Dr.Hobo Not one word… Amen.

Question 11

Buy and cure yourself. Confidential and secure purchase!
Need to buy medications but don’t know where?
Best solution is Viagra or Cialis pills.
High-quality meds with huge discounts.
Same Viagra, Cialis as in US based pharmacies but at low price! From Aaron Edwards, USA


Dr.Hobo Time Waster!

Question 8

Why did you turn down your part in the Lord of the Rings saga when offered it by Peter Jackson? Is it my beard or general foul odour?From PEter Jackson, Wellington


Dr.Hobo I told you Peter, you are a bastard of the highest caliber and until you get rid of that bloody face fuzz and go with the cravat and bearskin hat (like I have suggested previously time and time again) I don’t want to hear another word, let alone movie offer out of your god awful sailors mouth. You really are a bit of a toilet you know that don’t you!? be gone bastard. I’ll deal with you on Tuesday at Pontifrat’s boat party. Prepare yourself for a damn good thrashing!

Bonus Question 8

Why didn’t you say hello to me at Tesco’s the other day? I was the guy with a large trenchcoat and a tattoo of your face on my erect penis which I was using to whack other customers in the Fresh Meat department in the face. From Psychotic Fan, Ipswich


Dr.Hobo Peter this really is getting beyond a joke. I mean it if you dont stop this im goiung to come over there and have Margaret punch your bearded face off.

Astounding Sub-tropical Disease Almanac Vol. 7!

Disease name:
Schingerton’s Nostril

Latin name:
Inflatius Nostratus

Colloq.:
Lenny Henry Disease
Kite face
Droopy nose holes
Swollen sniffer

Symptoms:
- Nostrils become large and loose, liable to randomly inflate during particularly strong winds.
- Upset stomach.
- Dry mucus dribbling painfully from eyes.
- Nostrils spontaneously inflating to the size of a football field and engulfing your entire village while people yell “AH OH MY GOD WHAT THE—IT’S NOSTRILS, SOME GIANT NOSTRILS ON MY FACE”
- Bizarre smells eminating from joints
- Foods you previously enjoyed now taste like cat shit
- Cravings for cat shit
- Incontinence

Possible Complications:
- Nostrils inflating during sleep and strangling you
- Permanently enlarged nostrils
- Social ostricisation
- Career in the circus becomes viable job prospect
- Kneecaps falling off
- Blindness (temporary and permanent)
- The ability to communicate with animals
- Self-disembowelment
- Unable to perform stand-up comedy to your previous standards but still able to make a living from yearly pantomines and occasional television appearances
- Death

Remedies:
- Tying your nostrils in a knot each morning until the infection passes
- Daily nostril reconstruction surgery
- Getting a goat (or yak) to chew on your nostrils
- Sing “Never Forget” by take that so loud that your vocal chords disintegrate
- Fashioning your nostrils into a scarf and / or muffler (not applicable during summer)
- Lying upside down and filling your giant nostrils with water and hiring them out as swimming pools or sewage processing plants
- Kill yourself

Herbal alternatives
- Tea, hot. Ingredients: Bat’s nipples, horses tongue (2x), fried sheep’s gerbils, one house brick (crushed), sweat from an angry builder, hand-crushed stoat, banana smoothy from mickey D’s and freshly squeezed orinch choos (NOT orange juice. Must be orinch choos.)