Open up and you’re immediately in the action HARD. The screen is all black and then thumping techno / banjo music stars playing loud, causing your socks to shrink really quick and your calf muscles to bulge pretty bad. It’s like that scene in Tron, and it’s clearly the future and people are living inside a computer. Somebody driving some kind of computer-generated car with three wheels and cannons on top zooms up to the screen and looks directly at the screen (or your face) and says “NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! GET ON YOUR HYPER-BIKE RIGHT THE HELL NOW GODDAMNIT!” The person is wearing a baseball hat with a picture of Marylin Monroe cooking eggs on it but you can tell the person is just Matthew Broderick with a scarf on. He starts driving away but then his bike expands to the size of an elephant (or bus) fast flinging him up in the air (he screams pretty loud before exploding.)
The camera zooms out and you realise it’s just a computer game, being played by a teenaged Steven Seagal. “Game over” flashes on screen which makes Seagal say “motherfrumpin swizzlesticks”. Then he takes his keyboard and smashes it over a teenage Mr. T’s head hard, causing Mr. T’s ears to fall off and land on the floor where they bubble and melt like frying eggs or “Heggz.” A waiter appears out of nowhere and hands Seagal a cup of chamomile tea sprinkled with cheese and rubbery Ox buttholes. Mr. T starts eyeing it hungrily and licking his lips. Seagal notices this and his eyes move from the waiter to the cup of tea to Mr. T, back to the cup of tea again. Close up of Mr. T’s eyes which move from the cup of tea to Seagal, then to a donkey braying outside the window, then to the waiter, back to the tea again, before swirling a round a bit and finally settling on a large bogey which is hanging out of a hole in Seagal’s neck. Cut back to Seagal’s eyes which move from the cup of tea to a hanging painting of a zebra with a traffic cone up its butt to a small speck of dust on Mr. T’s gold chain and back to the waiter. Now cut to the waiter’s eyes and some classical opera music starts playing really really fucking loud causing my liver to turn itself into pate and most of the audience’s spleens to fold in half (including yours but not mine.) Camera zooms in on the waiter’s eyes which are spinning around and around and occasionally darting from left to right. Opera music is replaced by indian sitar music and the screen now has some kind of psychadelic colour filter over it.
Slow zoom out now to reveal that Seagal has one arm wrapped around the waiter’s neck making him choke, one leg shoved up Mr. T’s nostril (up to the knee, causing Mr. T’s face/cheeks or afro to bulge quite a lot) and Seagal’s prehensile boner is picking up the cup of tea and moving it towards his face, slowly, slowly, then quite fast, spilling some cheese, then he headbutts it and it explodes. Seagal tenses his muslces causing things to snap and break and some kind of brown fluid to dribble from your toes or possibly teeth. Both of the other characters die, except Mr. T who stands up and shakes his fur like a dog, causing water (sea and fresh), pot pourri and high-velocity impact ferrets to shoot out in all directions (especially the ferrets). After this, Mr. T and Steven Seagal were sworn Blood Brothers, not unlike the secret society known as “Horribly Burnt Face Club” that existed in Manchuria in the first century B.C.
Cut to a shot of Sweden in flames followed by a really low budget Godzilla rip off with a guy in a suit (real suit - black, pintstriped) with an egg box over his head and wooden spoons instead of arms clapping to the beat of “Red red wine” by UB40 surrounded by obviously fake buildings that are really just burgers sellotaped to chinstraps and painted black. At this point the audience is mostly confused and / or reluctant because this arthouse crap is not what they came to see, being rabid Steven Seagal fans who like nothing more than to see Seagal eating off heads, shattering kneecaps, elbowing yaks in the ear until they die, shoving screwdrivers into (and out of, or possibly up) nostrils, kicking people’s pancreases so hard they go cross-eyed and melt or freeze or just say “GARG” loud, twisting up ears until they look like a small dog, using telephone books to beat old ladies to death, and returning videos three to five days late.
That’s why at this point, with most of the audience considering going and getting their money back, the heaviest, loudest, most distortedest power chord you’ve ever heard in my life goes KA-CHAAAANG from the speakers. A shot of Steven Seagal COMPLETELY ON FIRE (?!) holding a shotgun in one hand and a Native American Tomohawk dripping with blood in the other hand fills the cinema screen (and your vision, which is going all wibbly from the heat and/or nervous excitement.) Audience members who were on their way to the exit will probably just fall down and die at this point or at the very least lie down on the floor and vibrate or moan pretty loud. The rest of you will be glued to your seats (literally), punching each other in the eye and tearing off strips of flesh or pushing splinters under your nails just to counter-balance the extreme pumpiness of the scene.
The camera zooms in on Seagal’s eyeballs which smile then wink before exploding in a shower of blood, golden sparks and pure, concentrated awesome. Now a montage starts to the tune of “the Ace of Spades” by motorhead showing:
Seagal riding two motorbikes at the same time on an ocean road and playing an electric guitar, two narwhals (shoutout to hobo) headbutting each other under the water, then flying out of the water spraying radioactive acid all over a boat full of hot babes and international terrorists, Chuck Norris jumping off a building and landing on the ground causing the ground to shatter and ectoplasm to splurge out of the cracks, a boxing match where the boxers are wearing gloves made out of shards of glass and sabre-toothed tiger teeth, an international arms deal about to go down in an abandoned warehouse when suddently chuck norris blazes onto the scene driving a Monster Truck with Flames coming out of the exhaust pipes THROUGH THE WALL crushing everyone before backflippnig out of the passenger side window weilding a guitar which he uses to play along to the ace of spades.
At this point the audience (including you) will be squirting lighter fluid into their ear canals and headbutting each other’s chins way too hard because their feeble brains can’t quite comprehend what the hell is happening. On screen, Seagal dives headfirst into a swimming pool filled with blood to karate chop a shark right on the face before whipping out a super-soaker from under his tie-dyed t-shirt and spraying a corrupt courtroom with acid, then firing a bazooka at a haunted crpyt full of dancing zombies before finally throwing 15 phosphorous grenades at a bunch of school-kids who were posessed by the devil and/or the spirit of Freddie Mercury (probably?!), meanwhile John who is sitting on row 5-C chews a hole in his shins and pushes his drinks straw in the hole to take his mind off the awesomeness of the movie, and Randalf the projectionist who is naked in the projection booth shaves his entire body using a sharpened spoon and vinegar and salt as shaving cream before falling through the projectionist booth hole and impaling himself on Donna, who was busy dealing with her inverted nostrils and lower instestine which had just tied itself into a knot resembling steven seagal’s ears.
Fade to Magenta crossed with elephant dung to the sound of a tin of sausage and beans being poured slowly over two goats attempting to eat the same piece of paper and that’s a rap.
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