Subliminal Criminals

The year is 2025 thousand and seven…explodes onto the screen
over the shoulder shot of a man in a space suit twiddling a knob on a futuristic yet very 80s TV set. Some static, then a close up of a man’s moustache appears on the screen.
Close up of the man in the space suits face, he’s possibly an astronaut or some kind of futuristic stock market guy. Either way he’s pretty fucking pumped this is obvious because his beard is growing and shrinking extremely fast and his eyes are bulging and steam and baked beans are coming out of his tear ducts. Shit. yep that’s right you’ve just crapped yourself because your spleen has inverted.

Cut back to the screen to show Tom Selleck’s big fat face filling the screen, zoom out to reveal he’s sitting on a camel in just a pair of stars and stripes speedos grinning like a baboon. Him and the Camel amble up a beach to Wesley Snipes who is crouched next to a fire in the sand he’s also wearing Speedos only his are pink with a palm tree and a pina colada covering his balls.

close up of Wesley Snipes’ stupid grinning face, a coconut hurtles through the air and smashes him hard on the back of his head. He slumps face down into the fire evacuating his bowels into his speedos in the process. The camera follows the trajectory of the coconut and we see Arnold Schwasenegler tossing a coconut up and down in one hand and smoking a stogie. He says

“HAY Poin dexder, lets get thee paaardey shdarded!”
“Push it” by salt N pepa starts to play.

David Hasselhoff runs up the beach from out of nowhere, shouting “BOO YA - in your face grandma!” at an old lady and pointing to his crutch with a magnum.

Steven Seagal rocks up the beach in a jeep filled with bikini clad girls, knocking small children over.

Someone shouts BOO YA! off screen and a gunshot is heard followed by someone squeeling in agony.

Wesley Snipes sits up with blood dribbling from one nostril and a golf ball sized lump on the back of his head explodes. His eyes are blood shot and his chest is red raw from the fire he just fell on.

The Jeep skids next to the camel showering Snipes in sand and broken glass, he screams in pain but its too late, the camel mule kicks him through the brain making pate and sand and glass jet out his nostrils HARD!

Seagal steps out of the jeep wrapped in bikini babes and popping a boner. He’s wearing an orange moo moo, no trousers and cowboy boots. His boner twitches then subtitles crash onto the screen over a montage of Mr.T break dancing with street kids Seagal headbutting Zebras making their intestines shoot out of their bums like silly string, Tom Sellic and Arnold Swarzenegger smoking stogies and kicking camels. The subtitles exclaim:

JOIN THE ULTIMATE SUPERSTARS IN THE LATEST BEACH PARTY BASED CELEBRITY REALITY TV SHOW “IM INSANELY AMAZING SO WATCH ME BACK FLIP OVER STUFF SERIES IV”

smell of burning hair and hamster insides are running rampant in your nostrils and not to mention frontal lobe. You’ve soiled yourself as have I. FADE TO PURLACK!

DISTRIBUTOR: Searing Ring Productions

STARRING: Arnold Svarchenegglerz, Gary Coleman, STEVEN SEAGAL!!!111!!!

Synopsis:

In this madcap comedy romance action horror period drama, Seagal reprises his role as Freeman Stiffrod, a hard bitten, ex- navy SEALS FBI special forces police squad Internal Affairs investigator with a penchant for fluffy pillows. Stiffrod is retired and living out his life on the island of Pangu Pangu, teaching dolphins how to write poetry and teaching disabled kids how to fly. But all is not well on the island of Pangu Pangu as arch villain Rummstein Badong (played vigourously by Arnold Svarzeneggler) sets up his secret Evil Base there and begins plotting to take over the world through the medium of dance. BAdong’s most gifted dancer / assassin is Bobby ‘Twinkle Toes’ Killfarts, (with a barnstorming performance by Gary Coleman.). Twinkle Toes falls in love with one of Stiffrod’s dolphins, and begins dating him tentatively. Stiffrod knows something is up, and the scene is set for all hell to break loose on the idyllic island of Pangu Pangu! With special effects by multi award winning* artist Tony Hart, and an epic, sweeping soundtrack provided by whoever wins pop idol, this is a sure fire hit, guaranteed to please audiences of all ages**.

With cameos by such gifted actors as the second duck from the left in scene 28 of babe the pig, one of sean connery’s eyebrows and the entire cast of ‘el dorado’, this is a film that Time magazine are predicting to be : “The worst film of all time, bar none.”

The Sunday telegraph called it “Absolutely atrocious. A drunk elephant with a pen shoved up its butt could crap out a better script in two seconds flat.”

Rupert Mardleflange of Newsweek cheerfully predicted that “anybody who watches this obnoixious, steaming excuse for a movie will experience the unpleasant sensation of having their brains liquified due to staggering levels of stupidity and a complete lack of pumpitude.”

COMING TO A VIDEO SHOP BARGAIN BIN NEAR YOU!

*1972 BBC runner up prize for best drawing of a cow with a blindfold on in under 5 seconds

**Not a real guarantee. Movie will not appear to people between the age of 4 and 97 inclusive.

disclaimer - watching this movie may cause uncontrollably vomiting, nausea and a nasty case of lockjaw.

Scene 14,000,0000, 678. 5 3/4 +_(*7)+12=3.

The screen is dark with some vague pump up music playing, (on a scale of 1 to 17.5, with 1 representing Campbell telling stories and 17.5 representing boning lucy liu during an earthquake and exploding hard, this music is about a 7.)

The camera is zooming around the room quite fast. first, it zooms in on a porcelain figure of a midget, which explodes. next, it zooms in on a chest of drawers so hard that it melts, twice.

Zooms up to the end of the bed, where we see two giant, hairy feet hanging out of a winnie the pooh duvet cover. The music’s level of pumpitude increases a notch. Some loud snoring can be heard behind the music. The camera pans up to reveal steven seagal wearing a bob the builder nightgown, clutching a dead horse to his chest. some blood drips around onto the bed a few times. suddenly seagal wakes up, rapidly eating the dead horse (for nourishment) and not even blinking while he does it. He flies softly out of bed and makes a whistling noise. his armoire opens and some clothes fly out, wrapping themselves around his adonis-like physique. just then, his bedroom door slams open hard, revealing lucy liu, cameron diaz, and the ghost of christmas past. they high five each other pretty hard and say in unison: “super happy mega news!!” Seagal smoothly pops a giant boner in their direction, gurning hard…….

WHAM! The pump up music is gone, replaced by sad violin type music. seagal wakes up for real this time, with a cockroach crawling over his eyeball and some cigarettes/cigars poking out of his ears. he eats them rapidly, for nourishment. he looks down and sees mr T sellotaped to his cowboy boots. he kicks him away, mumbling something about magnets and shit. he shakes his head and a high priced hooker falls out of his tibetan prayer-hat. she lands on the pavement hard. she starts saying something, but camera zooms in on seagals upper lip, which states ‘im too old for this shit’ and he knees her hard in the pulmonary semi lunar valve 3 times. She vibrates and withers away suddenly, the camera zooms in on her and she implodes before evaporating. Seagal laughs, but before he has even noticed, mr T (who is enraged from alcohol and lack of sleep) is on the rampage, blindly smashing any kind of human shapes / trees in front of him. This old lady only walks past him but he is like RRAAARGH! And knife-hand-strikes her in the optic nerve, severing her suspensory ligament HARD. Then, a defenceless old war veteran walks behind him but Mr T spins round and mule kicks him very hard in the tympanic membrane, totally disabling the guys cochlea. The guy was deaf anyway, but mr T doesn’t give a crap. He sees another human shape in front of him and prepares to smash its sarcoplasmic reticulum ultra hardly. But the camera stops, everything goes slow motion (except a dog in the background which runs around really fast, crapping everywhere (especially on this business mans suit.) pump up music begins again at around a level of 15.5 on the pumpitude scale (that is HIGH.) (equivalent to boning lucy liu during a volcanic eruption without exploding). Anyway, mr T realises that this thing in front of him is none other than his old friend steven seagal! He decides to change his attack plan to concentrate on pheonix-eye punching his diaphram. Seagal senses this and changes his posture to protect himself, simultaneously causing 15 cars parked on the street to explode just by looking at them. Mr T recognises his awesome power and gives up straight away. But seagal is not a wimp and finishes him off anyway with a hard uppercut to his left ventricle combined with an elbow to the vena carva. Mr T softly explodes with a crunchy noise, with pieces of gold and brains showering over a gleeful seagal. Pump up music plays so hard that it redifines the pumpitude scale to include it, and then the scale explodes.

WHAM! The music stops, seagal wakes up gurning hard…

THE END!

Wow, I got so pumped writing this script that one of my legs expanded to the size of the rock or Gibraltar before falling off and exploding, whilst at the same time, 14 people from kazekhastan imploded (which may or may not have been caused by my level of pumpedness.) anyway, definitely some elephants in india did some loud trumping noises before killing their mentors hard because of this script.

Scene 1

Interior, KFC restaurant, afternoon.

you can see a butt slowly pumping in the moonlight. Zoom out slowly, revealing that is not really a butt, it is some guys bald head. the head explodes, revealing a hot asian babe with about 17 breasts. this kid spots them and is like ‘WOAH’ but before he reaches the ‘H’, seagal punches him in the spine hard. the kid chokes on his chicken wing, which flies out of his mouth and hits the babe, exploding 15 of her breasts, leaving her with 2 normal breasts. the guy at the counter laughs hesitantly at this, before imploding with a gurgling noise. seagal realises that the kid is mocking him, and so he sneaks up and plants roughly 18 explosives around the kids ears and kneecaps. the kid is about to say something stupid, so seagal prepares the detonator. just when the kid takes a breath, seagal elbows him HARD in the crotch. (he dies from this.)

just then, the door to KFC slams open hard, 3 times. on the third time, a man dressed as a smooth talking lion tamer strolls in fancifully. he nearly explodes a couple of times but doesnt…

The lion tamer played by David Hasselhoff in this scene, leans over to where Seagal is fingering the detonator and gurning softly.

Leaning closer he opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out… he stands straight abruptly. Straightens his tunic then leans in again…”are you going to eat that?” pointing at a half eaten tower zingwag burger (with extra pilchards) on Seagals lap. Seagal (still gurning) Uppercuts him in the thorax and karate punches him in the glands causing something to dribble from somewhere in his pants…then sits on the detonator. Exploding the KFC. This whole thing turns out to be an advert on tv for mcgibbons burger and hat house with the tag line “if you dont want this to happen to you, come and eat at mcgibbons NOW MR.”

Pan back to reveal a television set running the advert and Seagal, sitting on his leopard skin couch contentadly gurning away at the television set next to Mr.T. They high five pretty hard. Chico ushers in from left to right wearing a brown airwolf t-shirt holding a tray of happy snacks, cheezy puffs and pickled onion space raider crisps. He draws near to the two stars who are engrosed in a gurning and mumbling conversation when Seagal slaps Chico softly on the cheek and then pats his lap forcing Chico into the humilation of having to sit on Seagals lap.

Seagal totally has a boner in his pants, or a rolled up pair of socks but its most likely a boner. Chico sits on it, but then Seagal stands up real fast knocking Chico, chin first into the marble table in front of them, sending crisps and nuts everywhere, especially onto the velvet carpet. Seagal stomps on the back of Chicos liver causing something that looks like liver pate to squeeze out of his nose like toothpaste from a tube or ‘choob’ the whole time Mr T and Seagal are laughing while Chico cries (hard).

Cut to exterior shot with sniper-o-matic vision at a 6:12 ratio so we see a cross hair on seagals magnanamus chest, aiming right at one of his twleve droopy nipples, under his velvet moo-moo.

Cut back to interior shot of Seagal and Mr.T now both of them are stomping on Chico (real bad). Seagal bends down to get a better grip on Chicos frontal lobe and a shot cracks through the air and wizzes straight through Mr.Ts hemoglorax valve causing his pupils to dilate and dry so hard his testicles quiver, twitch, prolaps, twitch again then prolaps again (really hard). He turns white and probably dies from this in a painful way.

Somewhere in Adis ababa a mans toes curl in and his head falls clean off then his spine falls out. Cut back to Seagal totally beating on Chico still unaware that Mr T has been shot. Then he realizes and gurns pretty hard stomping slower and slower then grinds in a bit. He looks over out the window and sees a computer generated bullet flying towards him which he gurns out of the air in a really cool way. This looks totally awesome to everyone watching the movie. He then does a sweet backflip, side ways through a window and fires a poo out of his bum which rockets straight towards the guy who was shooting stuff. He ducks to avoid it, but catches another poo right in the mouth, then in the face and hair.

Seagal does another totally sweet move by launching one of his cowboy boots at the mr shooty guy, which lands right in the poo and grinds more into his face (hard). Cut to a close up of the shooty guy with a gun up his ass and seagal is stamping on the end of that gun, calling him a shit magnet really loud. Close curtains, Fade to ceruliun blue with magenta flames. And thats a rap.