Commercial Break

IT’S NEW! IT’S IMPROVED! IT’S THE SPAZZERON 5000!

Say goodbye to kitchen waste!
Wave ta-ta to grinding gears!
Get the perfect amount of icing on your shoe-polish!

The new Spazzeron 5000 features 14,000,000 improvements over its predecessor, the Spizzazz 1000.

The nut-flange has been decreased.
The lube-catcher has been despoiled.
12 extra snap-tubes have been added to the rotating dicky foil.
Best of all, the underwater slagpile detector has been completely overhauled with the last in Burke-munching technology.

From now on, it’s smooth shaving all the way with the Spazzeron 5000! It’s the multi-tool that celebrities all over the world are calling “never call this number again.”

Use it to apply radioactive waste to pets!
Lost your doorstop? No problem! Use the Spazzeron to destroy the door in a single blast!
Forgot your hair wax? Simply attach the Killtron hose to the left side spriffer device et voila, your very own Mexican hairdresser complete with trombine and bow tie! (Sold separetely)
Vermin or common pests spoiling your tree-felling operation? Never fear! With a few minor modifications, the Spazzeron can act as a policeman, pair of gloves, or even a fully-functioning movie theatre.

Available in seven colours and fourteen different weight classes, you are strongly advised never to leave home without it! Especially if you are using the Spazzeron’s Artificial Lung function in which case if you leave home without it, you will die.

Only $14,34343333333333.67 available at abandoned pet rescue centers all over Greenland!

Darstle-o-farple tarps family pack

We open on a man holding his bowels. Close up of his hands clutching his bowels accompanied by
Sound effect: a herd of stempeding marmosets and cowboys yiping and shooting their guns in the air.
Titles: The Harbour Town of Nerfarbadad Circa 1874.

Slow pan up to the mans miserable face.
Sound effect: An elephant trumpeting.
Voice over: “Inverted Guteral Tract?”

Man Nods.

Cut to an eight year old boy with a baseball cap on sideways, his hands clamped around his sternum. Close up of his hands holding his bowels now
Sound effect: A helicopter landing on a shed.
Titles: The spiritual birthplace of Neo Babylonian cuisine – 57AD.

Pan up to the boys sweaty face
Sound effect: Five shaven Chimpanzees stomping on a typewriter.
Voice over: “Prolapsed Sphincter?”

Boy Nods.

Wide angle to show the man and boy both clearly about to evacuate their bowels right the hell now (hard).
Voice over: “YOU NEED – Darstle-o-farple tarps family pack!”

cut to a man pumping up a bicycle tyre, changing spark plugs in a fridge, sharpening pencils in a forest, being chased by an enraged baboon, eating a cake on a log, fashioning a flute out of a wooden clog accompanied by
Voice over: “Simply pour the contents into a yaks bladder, bring to the boil, simmer, stir and serve in a Paleontologists master bedroom”

Boy states:
“Cock Farts – I shit em”

fade to naked.

Commercial Break

Wide angle shot of a woman walking down a windy street holding her coat tight around herself.

Voiceover:
Don’t you just hate windy days?

Close up of the woman nodding her head vigourously.

Voiceover:
Sometimes, don’t you just wish you could control the weather?

Even harder, more vigorous nods from the woman with the sound effects of an elephant jumping on a squeaky bed.

Voiceover:
In fact, wouldn’t you give anything to be able to command the heavens?

Womans head bounces up and down like crazy with some noises that sound like a combination of a Yak vomiting on a group of hens, a donkey braying like crazy and a prison inmate slamming giant blocks of ice into his nutsack repeatedly. The womans head suddenly falls off but remains attached to her body by a single strand of multi-coloured silly string.

Dog ambles on screen, sniffs at the severed head, lifts its leg to pee, and then explodes twice.

Fourteen mongolian stoat-wranglers appear on the scene whirling lassoos around their head and saying “yeehaaarrr” pretty damn loud.

“NEW IMPROVED”
Slams onto the screen so hard it cracks a little bit.

“SNART BARS!”
Chunks onto the screen beneath it with a picture of a long, thin chocolate bar.

Note: this ad will cause your hair follicles to turn around and start growing inwards instead of out so don’t be alarmed by the tickly, itchy, incredibly painful sensation you will soon feel all over your body. Okay, maybe just a little bit alarmed. In fact, I’d call the doctor about now. Or if you want to save time, a funeral home would be best. Either way, I’m just saying.

Mc Hammer Commemorative Porcelain Plate

The Royal Air Force Suicide Corps.

we open on a super market car park. Camera pans down left a bit, then left a bit more to show a car park trolley attendant with one hand half way up one of his nostrils. His other hand is in his pocket and he is definitley playing with his balls off camera, a vacant look in his eyes. Background fades to purlack (purpley blackish colour) then fades back in again to reveal numbnuts sitting in a tank.

voice over: HI USED DA BE A REDART A GARBLE! BUD NOW IM IN DA HHHHARMEY… YAR hmmm!?”

subtitles: Join the Royal Air Force Suicide Corps and fly a tank into the sea or drive a plane into the sun. Applicants must be 85 or under. The Royal Air Force, removing unwanted people from society for over 83 years.

the tank drives off the edge of an aircract carrier and plunges into the murky depths.
numbnuts can cleary be heard shouting “POOTLE!”