Subliminal Criminals

YESS!!! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

For those of you who have been waiting to see the new comedy duo of the 80s strut their stuff, THIS IS IT.

Prepare to be so pumped you don’t even know where you left your car keys or even if you have a fucking car! FUCKshit!

“I didn’t wanna resort to violence…”

I love you Steven.

Crank your speakers the fuck up and warn your relatives that you may be about to go crazy apeshit bonkers on account of being too pumped to even speak or breathe or order pizza. GAH!

Miami Vice music is playing really hard - everything is cool in Miami.
That is what you obviously get from this scene.
A tall dark stranger in yellow crocodile skin cowboy boots is tromping his way down Miami beach. despite the extreme heat, the stranger is wearing orange skin tight jeans, a mexican poncho and a native american indian head-dress on top of a builders hard hat. He also has a diamond and wall nut necklace around his neck.
Some mexican street kids are gathered around a carboard sign that says “Sick of being a loser dead beat nobody? learn karate here from one of the greats.” Mr.T is sitting on a beach chair next to the sign eating an ice cream from a cone. Subtitles read: introducing Mr T as Kensington Fairfax. Next to him is a Karate Gi with stars and stripes and an eagle embroided on it, next to that sits an airwolf hat with a few cents and crumpled up bits of money in it.

A kid is crying as his Sensai stands over him with his foot in the kids face. Cut to a close up of Mandral Parlax accompanied by subtitles: Featuring Chuck Norris as Sensai Mandral Parlax. Mandral grins and starts twisting his foot in the poor kids face. “Go on cry! im gonna teach you the meaning of respect for an american man who learns the ancient art of death killer kai Karate Do!”

SMASH-GARGLE - SNAP, TWIST…CHOKE!

Zooming close up into Mandrals face and a look of complete horror.

Spinning close up of the stranger standing with one cowboy boot in Kensington Fairfaxes left nostril, blood and ice cream is spattered half way up his orange skin tight jeans. A loud shiplooping sound is heard followed by the sound of a balloon deflating and chicken soup being spilled on a pillow.

subtitles: and Steven Seagal in his 5th outing as Leutenant Dutch Kool in…

MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5!!!

random fast cuts of people being shot, stamped on, twisted, Slapped, blown up in Miami. Goats being kicked through shop windows, Seagal holding someones hand down on the accelerator of a motorbike then breaking their hand so its stays on ‘death speed’ as they career off into a scissor and spoon factory which promptly explodes. wide angle of Chuck Norris screaming KIAAAAAAAAI!!!!!! and jumping out of a helicopter and Impaling himself on Seagals already extended leg. Jean Claude Van Damme and Seagal High Fiving, laughing and wearing white vests and mirror sunglasses. Someones knee being dislocated. A mexican man’s neck being broken by a cowboy boot. A hoof pressing a big red button with the word “Disembowel” written above it. A spinning punch to the temples of a midget. a cup of tea with fingers floating in it, pan back to reveal a man holding the cup looking up, short of a few fingers. Seagal towers over him gurning and waving like a child in the most condescending way ever imaginable. Jean Claude Van Damme does the flying splits and kicks two goats square in the side of the head causing their brains to evacuate out of their nostrils immediatley like right the-god-damn-NOW!

MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5 flashes up on the screen with the tagline BAM! welcome to Miami BITCHES. Will Smith was wrong…Dead wrong!

Scene 1

Interior, KFC restaurant, afternoon.

you can see a butt slowly pumping in the moonlight. Zoom out slowly, revealing that is not really a butt, it is some guys bald head. the head explodes, revealing a hot asian babe with about 17 breasts. this kid spots them and is like ‘WOAH’ but before he reaches the ‘H’, seagal punches him in the spine hard. the kid chokes on his chicken wing, which flies out of his mouth and hits the babe, exploding 15 of her breasts, leaving her with 2 normal breasts. the guy at the counter laughs hesitantly at this, before imploding with a gurgling noise. seagal realises that the kid is mocking him, and so he sneaks up and plants roughly 18 explosives around the kids ears and kneecaps. the kid is about to say something stupid, so seagal prepares the detonator. just when the kid takes a breath, seagal elbows him HARD in the crotch. (he dies from this.)

just then, the door to KFC slams open hard, 3 times. on the third time, a man dressed as a smooth talking lion tamer strolls in fancifully. he nearly explodes a couple of times but doesnt…

The lion tamer played by David Hasselhoff in this scene, leans over to where Seagal is fingering the detonator and gurning softly.

Leaning closer he opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out… he stands straight abruptly. Straightens his tunic then leans in again…”are you going to eat that?” pointing at a half eaten tower zingwag burger (with extra pilchards) on Seagals lap. Seagal (still gurning) Uppercuts him in the thorax and karate punches him in the glands causing something to dribble from somewhere in his pants…then sits on the detonator. Exploding the KFC. This whole thing turns out to be an advert on tv for mcgibbons burger and hat house with the tag line “if you dont want this to happen to you, come and eat at mcgibbons NOW MR.”

Pan back to reveal a television set running the advert and Seagal, sitting on his leopard skin couch contentadly gurning away at the television set next to Mr.T. They high five pretty hard. Chico ushers in from left to right wearing a brown airwolf t-shirt holding a tray of happy snacks, cheezy puffs and pickled onion space raider crisps. He draws near to the two stars who are engrosed in a gurning and mumbling conversation when Seagal slaps Chico softly on the cheek and then pats his lap forcing Chico into the humilation of having to sit on Seagals lap.

Seagal totally has a boner in his pants, or a rolled up pair of socks but its most likely a boner. Chico sits on it, but then Seagal stands up real fast knocking Chico, chin first into the marble table in front of them, sending crisps and nuts everywhere, especially onto the velvet carpet. Seagal stomps on the back of Chicos liver causing something that looks like liver pate to squeeze out of his nose like toothpaste from a tube or ‘choob’ the whole time Mr T and Seagal are laughing while Chico cries (hard).

Cut to exterior shot with sniper-o-matic vision at a 6:12 ratio so we see a cross hair on seagals magnanamus chest, aiming right at one of his twleve droopy nipples, under his velvet moo-moo.

Cut back to interior shot of Seagal and Mr.T now both of them are stomping on Chico (real bad). Seagal bends down to get a better grip on Chicos frontal lobe and a shot cracks through the air and wizzes straight through Mr.Ts hemoglorax valve causing his pupils to dilate and dry so hard his testicles quiver, twitch, prolaps, twitch again then prolaps again (really hard). He turns white and probably dies from this in a painful way.

Somewhere in Adis ababa a mans toes curl in and his head falls clean off then his spine falls out. Cut back to Seagal totally beating on Chico still unaware that Mr T has been shot. Then he realizes and gurns pretty hard stomping slower and slower then grinds in a bit. He looks over out the window and sees a computer generated bullet flying towards him which he gurns out of the air in a really cool way. This looks totally awesome to everyone watching the movie. He then does a sweet backflip, side ways through a window and fires a poo out of his bum which rockets straight towards the guy who was shooting stuff. He ducks to avoid it, but catches another poo right in the mouth, then in the face and hair.

Seagal does another totally sweet move by launching one of his cowboy boots at the mr shooty guy, which lands right in the poo and grinds more into his face (hard). Cut to a close up of the shooty guy with a gun up his ass and seagal is stamping on the end of that gun, calling him a shit magnet really loud. Close curtains, Fade to ceruliun blue with magenta flames. And thats a rap.