Subliminal Criminals

Directed by
Steven Seagal
James Earl Jones
The artist formerly known as Prince, then as just a squiggly line, now as Prince again under the pseudonym of Earl Nicholas Pilchard-Chip-Granblerzz

Writing credits
Steven Seagal (including soundtrack) and
Mick Jagger (characters)
Rupert Everett (Second Draft, all homosexual characters, animal noises)…
(more)

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / hip-hop Educational (more)

Tagline: These robotic bitchez does be dronin’!(more)

Plot Outline: On an abandoned mining facility in Neo-Saudi Arabia far in the future, a Hyper Dronez manufacturing plant is the setting for an all out war between Razzy Ladytron with his band of motley space-pirates, and the Hyper Dronez, hip-hip robots sent back from even further in the future to wreck some shit hardcore.

User Comments: “Futuristic Sci-fi action hip hop is the best genre EVEr.” (more)

“the director has a boner for chase scenes. Which is ok I GUESS” - Razorface

User Rating: 8.3/10 (86,364 votes) top 250: #70

Cast overview, first billed only:

Razzy Ladytron
Chazz Palminteri

Michael Jordan
Chargrill Charlie

Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson
Stephen Seagal

General Daglon Killshit
Corey Feldman (with large shoulder pads)

Grandal Tooflegart
Rupert Murdoch / Arnold Swarchenegger

Abraham Zarflog (Hyper Drone)
Mustapha P. Warsaw

Creshno Murderstank (Hyper Drone)
Leeroy J. Musketstab

Indian Yoga Expert
Rahjeen Parvel III (”Boopy”)

Person who turns up late for rollerskating event:
James Woods

Grandma Chickenscarfer
Drew Barrymore (in disguise)

Rotating Knives Man
Kurt Russel

Gorgonzola Beast-droid
Richard Dreyfuss

Resurrected Dinosaur-Bot “Chompy 2000″
Andy Peters

Also Known As:
Drone that Bitches Ass (USA) (working title)
Murderous Robots II (USA) (working title)
Der Mekanikz Ein Shooting (GRM)

MPAA: Rated R for robotic violence, lethal hip hop moves and razor sharp facial hair including colourful language and gratuitous depictions of robots being molested by goats and/or pencil sharpeners. (1992 special edition)
Runtime: 178 min / USA:154 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / UK / Sizzling Fleshland

Language: English, Ebonics, Marsian, Various squelches and rubbing noises, gutteral wailing, soul poetry

Trivia:

• The Hyper Drones were built from scratch every day out of used clown wigs and melted sassafrazz (freshly squeezed)
• The moves used in the dance off in the final scene were developed by an actual hip hop robot that the cast and crew nicknamed “Clanky Jeffrey” on account of the mechanical noises he made when dancing, making love, or just not doing anything at all. It should be noted that the hip hop robot was slightly rusted and smelled of burning cheese.
• In between the first chase scene, where the Hyper Dronez are chasing General Killshit (in hovercars) from the Maximum Security Prison to the Alien Cantina, and the seventh chase scene where General Killshit’s bio-genetically engineered Super Llama Android on a hoverbike is chasing Rotating Knives Man (on a hoverboard) from the HyperBall Stadium to the Interplanetary Spaceport, there was initally to be a non-chase-scene scene involving many of the characters doing everyday activities such as rollerblading, shopping, replacing solar powered roof tiles, raising livestock and heabutting each other. However this scene was dropped in favour of another chase scene because it was deemed “too un-chase-scene-like” to be included, and the director though that it needed “more of a chase-scene feeling”. As a result, all non-chase-scene scenes were replaced with chase scenes except for the scenes where characters are a)fighting b)arguing or c)stomping on each other’s necks or faces really, really hard (as these were deemed by the director to be “close enough in feeling to a chase-scene scene to be included alongside the other chase scenes.”). In this case, the non-chase-scene scene was replaced with a chase scene depicting Lazerstaxxx Ronson on a hoverbicycle chasing General Killshit (on a hover-disc) AND the Hyper Dronez (levitating) from the Bio-Domes in sector 4 to the Chemical Android Processing Factory of Hyper-Power. Twice.
• Director’s Trademark: Robotic lead characters perform long soliloquys while other cast members stay frozen in one place
• Actor’s Trademark: Steven Seagal employing at least three different ethnic dialects ranging from black to hispanic to mexican to native american, including a mixture of all four.
• Director’s Trademark: Close ups of twin suns setting while soft synth music plays hard in the background, followed by a bucket of blood splashing onto the screen.
• When both teams are warming up for the Death-blood Bowl Cup competition, Corey Feldman can be seen in the background pulling his trousers down and waving his buttocks in Steven Seagal’s face. This was not in the script. Seagal, attempting to stay in character as “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson, took out his hyper-blaster and shot Feldman, causing his buttocks to melt off. Just before the scene cuts you can see a stray dog coming to sniff the remains of Feldman, and Seagal high-fiving with Arnold Swarchenegger.
• Directors trademark: Animals being set on fire while country rock music plays.
• Directors trademark: Long, drawn out barbecue scenes which inevitably end up with characters accidentally roasting, and dining on, their own limbs.
• Directors trademark: Opening sequence involves hidden camera footage of one or more crew members taking huge dumps
• The artificial leg that Grandma Chickenscarfer uses to ultimately defeat Gorgonzola Beast-droid was made entirely out of frozen blood. It sold on Ebay for $15 and recieved the comment “SPEEDY DELIVERY BUT BLOOD WAS MELTED wuold not buy from seller again…..”
• Actors Trademark: James Woods tearing off his shirt and screaming during a president or political figure’s campaign speech
• Directors Trademark: Climax of movie is filmed in sausage-making factory (see “Revenge of Blood Death 12″ and “Escape back to Return of Monkey Mountain 3″)
• Director’s trademark: Human feet replaced by hoofs during chase scenes
• Director’s trademark: Young children operating heavy lifting equipment (cranes, diggers etc.) and listening to gangsta rap
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfuss getting a killboner during his death scene
• Actor’s trademark: Drew Barrymore dining on the skulls of those who oppose her

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: When the Hyper Dronez say the magic words (”POWER TO COMBINE MAGICALLY FOR ADVANCED MECHANICAL ROBOT DESTRUCTION”) and high five and begin transforming, you can clearly see the wires holding their arms up in the air while somebody else (most likely a crew member) tucks there shirts into their pants and says “there there, there there, mummy will be here soon. Shh. Shh.”
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The first fifteen minutes of the film is footage of Susan McTillgrit (second unit director) in the toilet with a bad case of diarrheoa. (See director’s trademark above)
• Steven Seagal’s pacemaker sets off the fire alarm during the penultimate chase scene, dousing cast and crew in water. Filming continued as nobody wanted to draw attention to the weakness of such a strong, commanding figure.
• James Woods character occasionally played by a worm
• During the beach barbecue scene, James Woods can be seen eating a leg of ham. As the camera cuts between him and Razzy Ladytron, the ham in his hand changes into a half-melted accordion for a brief moment.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Razzy Ladytron (sweeping his arm out in front of him): Look, Space Pirates. Look. A fresh city for us to plunder.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: Excellent. I love plundering.
Grandal Tooflegart (squinting into the distance): Are those… Hyper Dronez?
Razzy Ladytron: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There hasn’t been any Hyper Dronez in all the galaxy since the year five million twelve.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: They kind of look like Hyper Dronez to me, boss. Crunching ones at that.
Razzy Ladytron: Shit.
Gorgonzola Beast-droid: Does this mean there won’t be any plundering?

——————————

Rotating Knives Man: Listen, pal. I risked my neck to give you this information, so the least you could do is sharpen my rotating knives.
Creshno Murderstank (tapping his robotic finger on a table): Don’t get me wrong, Rotating Knives Man. We Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez appreciate your… generosity. But I will not sharpen your blades, for fear of you turning against us and cutting us.
Rotating Knives Man (sweating blood): Damn. DAMN YOU ALL, CURSED MACHINES! Can you at least give me some oil?
Creshno Murderstank: No.
——————————

Michael Jordan: Looks like it’s just us against the hordes of Hyper Dronez.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson: Yeah. Just the way I like it. Bring it on, you tin-covered bastards!
General Daglon Killshit: You say that now, but I guarantee you’re gonna be crying like a little baby when those Hyper Dronez start busting moves on your ass. You ain’t never seen hip hop shapes like these.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson (opening his jacket to reveal a sparkling cube): We’ll see, General. We’ll see.
General Daglon Killshit (shocked): Oh my… oh my god. Is that… is that the Zarflax Cube?
Michael Jordan: Maybe we do have a chance…
(the characters high five and stand up)
(more)

Awards: Won 17 Oscars, including “Best Hip Hop Educational Crossover”, “Best Gun Noises During Underwater Scene”, “Most Uses of the word ‘Hyper’ in a Minute”, “Longest End Credits”, and “Most Awesomest Script”. Another 15 wins & 21 nominations (more)

FAQ:
- If the Hyper Dronez run on Solar Power, how come they choose to mount their final attack at night?
- If General Killshit was really a Hyper Drone in disguise, how come his legs fall off in the last seconds of the movie? (more)

Directed by:
Mel Gibson

Writing credits:
Mel Gibson
Tina Turner
Buzz Aldrin

Genre:
Fantasy / Horror / Space Adventure (more)

Tagline:
A mysterious prophecy. A magic story. An enchanted glove. And an adventure that’s… out of this world.

Plot Outline:
Willy Wizard is a boy born to a normal family of non-wizards. But one day, he awakens to find a magical glove inserted into his rectum. From that day forth, he knew he was special. After being randomly selected for NASA’s first public space flight… (more) (view trailer)

User Comments:
“Some of the dragons in this film were OK but I prefer normal dragons without computers attached to their spines that control satellites or anything. Overall I would give this a 6 out of 10 for its unrealistic representation of dragons. However just having a dragon in there in the first place saves it from a 3 out of ten. (Dragons RULE.)” - DrAgOnStArX

“Aldrin’s influence on the script is very confusing. Why does the setting suddenly change from the fantasy realm of Fantasmia to the Mir Space Station?” - Robert Crantz

“wizurds r gay” – fUxxor

“wud b okay if ther wz more than one staking but unfortunately seeing as only one person gets staked thru the heart (and that was an accident) then i wont be renting this movie or even watching it again.” -vampHUNTER

“Why so much swearing in a PG film? MY uncle nearly fainted. And he’s a sailor.” Margaret Smoithens

… (more)

User Rating:
2/10 (6000 votes)

Credited cast:
Willy Wizard
Keifer Sutherland

Bob Snaggard
Donald Sutherland

Darleen Snaggard
Elizabeth Shue

Esmerelda Nine-teets
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Chris Dralcor
Justin Timberlake

Noblewing the Dragon
Stephen Hawkings (Voice)

Gary the Giant
Paul Daniels

Caveman Sue
Debbie McGee

Troll #2
R Kelly

Salazar
Craig David

Prince Zorquot
Danny de Vito

(more)

Also Known As:
Supa Magic Wizado Hand Life(JPN)
Ting tar er fee Shao Zong Xie Fang Siu (CHN)

Runtime:
IRELAND: -113 min
NORTH PEMBROKESHIRE: 68 min

Country:
UK / PRE-BERLIN WALL EAST GERMANY

Language:
English / Mormon

Memorable Quotes:

Willy Wizard: God I hate you normal people! Some times I think that I am secretly a wizard or something like that.
Bob Snaggard & Darleen Snaggard (speaking in unison): What no that is ridiculous .Just plain ridiculous now eat your pea soup and shut the fuck up.
Willy Wizard: I don’t even like pea soup. I wish you were DEAD!
(Bob Snaggard & Darleen Snaggard die in a flash of green sparks).
Willy Wizard (looking at green electricity sparking from between his fingers): HOLY SHITCUNTS!

……………….

Gary the Giant: Willy, I’m here to tell you that you are really a wizard.
Willy Wizard: Seriously?
Gary the Giant: For reals.
Willy Wizard: So could I, like, turn you into a frog?
Gary the Giant: Why would you want to do tha-
(flash of green sparks and then Gary the Giant is transformed into a giant penis with legs. )
Gary the Giant: Oh, bollocks.
Willy Wizard: Not bollocks, penis you fat cunt!

……………….

Noblewing the Dragon: Willy, do you see down there? That is the castle of Prince Zorquot the evil.
Willy Wizard: Whatever.
Noblewing the Dragon :Whatever? Willy, don’t you realise your destiny? That is the castle of the evil prince, and if you don’t stop him, well, Fantasmia could be destroyed…
Willy Wizard (trying to stab Noblewing in the eye with his magic wand): Shut the fuck up already you old piece of shit. Now take me back to the real world, I have an appointment with some assholes from NASA.

……………….
Chris Dralcor: So, Willy, do you think you can handle being in space?
Willy Wizard (eyes glazed over, staring at nothing, drool dripping down his face); YES… MASTER
Chris Dralcor (camera zooms in on his grinning face and he is rubbing his hands together): Excellent. Salazar! Prepare the Paininator. It’s time for Willy Wizard to meet… the Paininator.
Salazar (gasping so hard he inhales a bit of his beard): The… the Paininator?
Chris Dralcor (head whipping round towards Salazar): Is there… a problem, Salazar?
(Salazar cringes away and as he does so, his left arm falls off.)
Chris Dralcor: God. Just get out of my sight. Cunt.

……………….

Caveman Sue (floating through space in a space suit): WILLY! WILLY WAKE UP! YOU’VE GOT TO FIGHT THE FUCKING EVIL MAGIC THAT DRALCOR USED ON YOU!
Willy Wizard (grunting and fighting evil magic): GNRRRR gnnaaar… fucking shit… gnooooooooook… SKRLK
Caveman Sue: That’s it Willy! That’s it! Fight the magic! Harder Willy! Yes! Yes! Fucking harder Willy! Yes fuck yes!
Willy Wizard (shaking his head and opening his eyes): What the… what the fuck is going on shit!
Caveman Sue: Oh thank goodness! Willy, you’re alive!
Willy Wizard (flash of green sparks coming from his fingers): YES! I Was alive all the long just pretending! Now take THAT!
(cut to a close up of the faceplate of Caveman Sue’s space suit. She has been transformed into a giant penis with legs.)
Willy Wizard: In your face you old bag of arse!

……………….

Goofs:
- Incorrectly considered as mistakes: You cannot survive in the vacuum of space just by holding your breath. Unless you are a wizard.

– Continuity error: Willy Wizard is a half human, half wizard hybrid with human characteristics. However in scene 12 he briefly appears to be a young giraffe suckling on his mother’s teet.

– Revealing mistakes: In the scenes involving giants, all the extras are clearly children used to give the impression of size. This is made obvious because they have dummies in their mouths and spend most of the time vomiting, crying, or crapping in their pants and then playing with the crap, eating the crap, or fashioning the crap into crude representations of the people around them.

- Factual errors: Orangutans cannot make a successful living as hairdressers.

- Continuity error: Willy Wizard’s parents die at the beginning of the movie. However they appear three more times, notably during the final orgy scene.

- Factual errors: Stabbing a leper in the eye with a sharpened rod of cheese will not make your nemesis spontaneously burst into flames.

- Miscellaneous: Second-unit director Randall McTaggard often came to work smeared in urine and feces of unidentified origin.

- Factual errors: Grinding up wall tiles into dust and rubbing the dust in the hotel-clerk’s face is not a commonly accepted method of payment.

- Revealing mistakes: Characters paying for goods or services with small pieces of metal or flat sheets of paper with intricate designs.

- Revealing mistakes: Characters in the prehistoric scenes referring to each other as “dude” and playing wi-fi Nintendo DS games.

Insider Trivia:

– Melvin Smith (Editor) made his living editing pornographic films, which explains the constant soft-tint, seductive jazz music, and close-ups of penises thrusting into vaginas (or anuses) prevalent in the movie.
– Actor’s Trademark: Keifer Sutherland claiming “there’s no time”
– Willy Wizard’s magic wand was actually not magic at all.
– The character of salazar was initally to be played by a turnip
- A nod is not as good as a wink to a blind bat if the bat is touching your face with its claws or wings at the time
- in order to get a PG rating, all scenes involving chris dralcor anally penetrating Noblewing the Dragon were cut and replaced with scenes of a gunwhale headbutting a stoat.
- the gunwhaling society of greenland complained so vehemently about the headbutting scenes that they were replaced again with footage of somebody inhaling a piece of stilton through their nostrils.
- the society for inhaling stilton through your nostrils of northern ireland felt strongly that the scenes involving their sport were handled in terribly poor taste and gave people entirely the wrong impression about them. after campaigning for a number of months, the scenes involving people inhaling cheese through their noses were replaced with an endlessly repeating loop of a man losing his footing on a bridge and falling off, only to get his leg caught on a rusty nail and hang there, screaming for help.
- Flames: are really hot

Hello Doctor, thanks again for your most insightful and carrot-shaped interview last week.

Questions have been flooding in from our readers, so I shall waste no further time in dilly dallying along with all this pre-amble and move swiftly and surely yet gracefully, to the crux of the question, being the following items that I previously outlined as being questions from our dear readers, as appears below, so without further ado let us hurry along to the said mentioned above inquiries.

PS Cheese rules.

PPS If you have a safety helmet you are advised to place it upon your bonce now. If you forgot to pick one up on the way in, slap yourself on the wrist and go back and see Betsy at the entrance and she’ll sort you out with one. You really need it in here. Shit flying everywhere. Real, human shit.

Question 1
HI DOCTOR. I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW IT IS THAT YOU BECAME SO AWESOME AND FAMOUS DESPITE ONLY EVER LEARNING THE ALPHABET UP TO THE LETTER P
From Dorothy Spalding, North Dullwich

Dr.Hobo Well Dorothy, Id have to say its all down to a mixture of luck and telekinesis, but mostly telekinesis because I don’t need luck. I mainly write in this way channeling my thoughts through my man servant, Margaret, whom I found during a research expedition in the botacoo-condo basin nestled in the foot hills of machu pichu. Margaret doesn’t speak a word of English bless him, so I massage a Camombert into his shaven head to make him more receptive to my psychic projections. That and give his chair a good kick when he gets it wrong.

Question 2

How big is your wongle and where do you keep it when it isn’t farmed out to various sub-contractors?
From Malgrug Zabonga, Bournemouth

Dr.Hobo Dearest Malgrug, the size of a mans wongle is very much his wife’s business however, I can divulge that it is housed in various Beerfest tents throughout Bavaria during the summer months.

Question Teeth

I once heard you devoured an entire amateur cricket team in one sitting. I personally have been able to eat numerous Sunday league football teams. Which do you think requires the most intestinal fortitude, and when?
From James Sockford, Tipton-on-sea

Dr.Hobo This is a question Ive been getting a lot of recently what with Englands dreadful cricket record of late, amateur cricketers have been literally queuing up to be eaten. However, in response to your question James, I would have to say that Cricket teams require slightly more intestinal fortitude to digest. Basically they have more equipment to consume, which I find pleasant to enjoy as a garnish to a side salad or as a simple pan fried/flambade dessert. Most kinds of Amateur sports persons should ideally be consumed at low tide apart from of course, amateur jockeys who should be barbecued in August.

Question Bolt-flags

Good afternoon dear sire, I am to offer you a 100% risky free commercial offer. You see, I am the late husband of the aforementioned deceased Iraqi Oil Mega-baron, Sheik Dhabba G. Ackbar. He left in my posession 10 of your million English Pounds ($45,9000,000000,00,00,0000,.6) which I would liek very much to be set up in a foreign account. Please to excuse my contacting you in this manner but I must assure you I am 100% disease free and able to meet up at any time to discuss this further. PIn order to us for proceed, I simply need your bank account details, date of birth, and mother’s maiden names (if any.) Thanks and God BE WITHYOU AMEN.
From MRS MOHAMMED AISHA, IRAN

Dr.Hobo Not one word… Amen.

Question 11

Buy and cure yourself. Confidential and secure purchase!
Need to buy medications but don’t know where?
Best solution is Viagra or Cialis pills.
High-quality meds with huge discounts.
Same Viagra, Cialis as in US based pharmacies but at low price! From Aaron Edwards, USA


Dr.Hobo Time Waster!

Question 8

Why did you turn down your part in the Lord of the Rings saga when offered it by Peter Jackson? Is it my beard or general foul odour?From PEter Jackson, Wellington


Dr.Hobo I told you Peter, you are a bastard of the highest caliber and until you get rid of that bloody face fuzz and go with the cravat and bearskin hat (like I have suggested previously time and time again) I don’t want to hear another word, let alone movie offer out of your god awful sailors mouth. You really are a bit of a toilet you know that don’t you!? be gone bastard. I’ll deal with you on Tuesday at Pontifrat’s boat party. Prepare yourself for a damn good thrashing!

Bonus Question 8

Why didn’t you say hello to me at Tesco’s the other day? I was the guy with a large trenchcoat and a tattoo of your face on my erect penis which I was using to whack other customers in the Fresh Meat department in the face. From Psychotic Fan, Ipswich


Dr.Hobo Peter this really is getting beyond a joke. I mean it if you dont stop this im goiung to come over there and have Margaret punch your bearded face off.

Directed by:
Melinda Craven

Writing credits:
Melinda Craven
Ronaldo Macdonaldo
Hercules B Awesome
Jules Verne (Via psychic medium.)

Genre:
Horror / Sci-Fi / Zombie / Time-travelling mega adventure (more)

Tagline:
Time to turn those dials…. TO ZOMBIE!!

Plot Outline:
In the early 19th century, a eunuch stumbles upon a fantastic machine with the abilty to send the user to the future! (Or past, whatever.) However, there’s a catch… A zombie catch! The time machine was in fact invented by zombies from pre-raphaelite India…
… (more) (view trailer)

User Comments:
“are they seriously claiming that jules verne was involved in this travesty and helped them write the script from beyond the grave?” - Timothy Jorlox

“Yes, we are.” - Melinda Craven

“Well, thats dumb.” Timothy Jorlox

“Why dont you come back to me when you have successfully released a movie that grossed over $1,545 at the box office, eh timmy boy?” - Melinda Craven

“so i need to direct a movie to tell you your shitty movie sux??” Timothy Jorlox

“Tell it to the crew over at MegaMAX Zombie Movie Review who gave me the runners up prize for best independent feature about zombies and time machines directed by a woman with at least 4 spastics in lead roles. Yeah, tell it to them, Timmy Boy.” - Melinda Craven

“did you just say spastics?” Timothy Jorlox

“Hacksaw jim duggan RULES! HORRRRR!” WWF-fan2005
… (more)

User Rating:
2/10 (5 votes)

Credited cast:

Malakai Zorbonne
Terry Tofflo

Gordon Londinium
John Gorlap

Og
Robert de Niro

Robo-man E-7766
Eddie Murphy

Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu
Pierce Brosnan

King Solomon
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hitler
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Stalin
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Jesus
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Emperor Hirohito
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Bill Gates
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Woody Allen
(more)

Also Known As:
The Hacksaw Jim Duggan Show (Alberquerqe)
Ein Zombie-flitsch zer Clokspin (GER)

Runtime:
USA: 120 min
Luxembourg: 121 min

Country:
USA / ROMANIA

Language:
Prehistoric Dutch, Lower English, Zorflax.

Memorable Quotes:

Malakai Zorbonne: What ever is this strange device? A clock? An automobile? Some devilish combination of the two?
Gordon Londinium: We shall see, Malakai. Come, let us see now!
Malakai Zorbonne: Alas, forthwith see we shall.

……………….

Og (clubbing himself on the head with a club): Og. Og bog snogga rog.
Malakai Zorbonne: I think he’s trying to communicate.
Gordon Londinium: Are you sure it is a he?
(Malakai Zorbonne and Gordon Londinium inspect Og’s genitals for an extended period.)
Gordon Londinium: He appears to be a fully functioning male home-erectus.
Malakai Zorbonne (doing up his flies): Yes… very erectus!
(Malakai and Gordon laugh heartily)

……………….
Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu: I am nothing but a construct of light and energy and spirit.
Gordon Londinium: What have you done with Malakai you foul abomination!
Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu: Malakai is here with us.
Gordon Londinium (tears welling in his eyes): Malakai, you FOOL! I told you not to visit the future without me… I TOLD YOU!
Jesus (swinging a 2×4 towards Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu): Take that ya nebulous piece a crap!
Robo-man E-7766 (shooting Jesus in the face with a laser): That’s enough of that, cracker!
………………..

Hitler: How did ve get here?
Stalin: Dis appearsa to bea some kind of ole torn in de fabric ofa de space-time.
Jesus (smashing Hitler over the head with a plank of wood):
St. Paul, 3:12: Thou shalt remove the plank of wood from your own eye before complaining about the piece of sawdust in your fellow man’s, motherfucker.
(Stalin begins violating Hitler’s corpse)
Gordon Londinium (appearing from thin air): What! What are you doing you… animals! I didn’t bring you back to the future in order for you to act like common animals!
Robo-man E-7766 (shooting Gordon Londinium in the face with a laser): I AM NO ANIMAL, LONDINIUM!
………………..
Gordon Londinium (frantically eating a spoon): Must… eat… spoon…
Malakai Zorbonne (unzipping his flies and moving towards Gordon Malakai): Gordon… Gordon… What has become of you? It’s as if you don’t realise what is happening around you…
Gordon Londinium (trying to look at his own brain): Must look at… my own brain…
Malakai Zorbonne: You… you don’t know what is happening, do you? I could do anything I want and you wouldn’t remember… If we went back in time afterwards!
Gordon Londinium (scratching his armpits and jumping up and down): Must… scratch armpits… and jump up…. and down.
Malakai Zorbonne: Robo-man, set the time machine to pre-historia… I am taking Gordon on a little vacation! A… sexy vacation.
Robo-man E-7766 (sighing mechanically): Acknowledged.

Goofs:
• Factual errors: Winding a clock up backwards does not allow you to travel through time. Even if you wind it really, really fast.

• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Malakai Zorbonne’s character displays clearly homosexual tendancies. The more observant among you will notice that homesexuality was not invented until tennis became popular in 1935. However, let’s not forget people, THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT TIME TRAVELING?!

• Revealing mistakes: The time machine’s tail is clearly visible flopping around on the floor throughout most of the movie.

• Miscellaneous: Hacksaw Jim Duggan ordered one pig every day to be sent to his trailer. At the end of filming, 427 pigs were found, unharmed but wild-eyed (and later found to be clinically sterile), huddling together and moaning quietly.

• Factual errors: The formula for turning back time is not “1 part audacity times the speed of light squared, divided by two handsome adventurers”. as quoted in the script.

• Continuity: Gordon Londinium’s nose moves around his face throughout the movie, at one time appearing sticking out of the barrel of his gun, before settling on his left knee-cap where it remains until the end of the movie.

• Revealing mistakes: Actor Terry Toflo’s prosthetic head is glaringly obvious in the love-making scenes.

• Continuity: Robo-man E-7766 smokes a cigarette in every scene. In scene 12b, the cigarette gets progressivley shorter in each take, but then suddenly gets longer towards the end of the scene. At frame 237, the cigarette, which should have been smoked down to the butt by now, is clearly the seven-metre erect penis of a whale

Insider Trivia:

• Cast and crew took 3 months of shooting before realising that Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s agent had accidentlally sent a horse dressed up as a cowboy instead of the real Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

• Actor’s Trademark: Terry Toflo eating his food through a straw coming out of his butthole.

• Upon seeing Woody Allen’s performance as Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is said to have flown into a terrible rage and eaten twelve packets of crisps in a row. Once the crisps had been digested he later apologised to Woody Allen before ramming a plank of wood up his nose and patting him on the shoulder saying “There there, there there.”

• Actor’s Trademark: Pearce Brosnan self-harming when he doesn’t get his way.

• Director Trademark: People wearing hats made out of jellyfish.

• Music plays during important or significat scenes.

• The people playing the characters in the film are in fact professional actors; there is no Gordon Londinium, and they did not travel back in time to the 14 billion BC and invent cutlery.

• Director Trademark: Homosexual time-travelling adventurers save the world from catastrophe.

• Actor’s Trademark: Woody Allen’s eyeballs slowly drooping out of his head.

• Director Trademark: Trapdoors slamming shut on character’s balls

Directed by:
Colnel Percy “percibald” Fitsrovia

Writing credits:
Saddam Hussein
Steven Seagal
Tom Selleck

Genre:
Experimental Dance (more)

Tagline:
BONG - YOUR DEAD!
Time to die.

Plot Outline:
Timmy Time keeper (Tom Selleck) is a retired CIA operative turned clock maker. His idyllic Dutch lifestyle is turned upside down when Randolph Tarquin (Steven Seagal) opens a cheese shop in the same village selling swiss cheese watches… (more) (view trailer)

User Comments:
“I can’t look at swiss cheese or the dutch people in the same way…I mean, now I know how they make the holes I’ve no desire whatsoever to eat again. ever. fuck” - Gordon Ramsey.

“Seagal appears to move like some kind of velvet liquid. its beautiful. I… no ive lost it.” - Griff Tomlinson (age seven and three quarters.)

… (more)

User Rating:
3/12 (5000 votes)

Credited cast:
Timmy Time Keeper
Tom Selleck

Randolph Tarquin
Steven Seagal

Randolph Tarquin jr.
Chico “its chico time” Cheekophalous

Cheese Fairy 1
Graham Norton

Cheese Fairy 7 & 8
Janet Jackson

Isreali Gunmen
Alec Baldwin

Isreali Special forces head honcho
Apollo Creed

Chief of the CIA
Curly “Kip” kippersniffer the 4th

(more)

Also Known As:
TIME FOR DIE?! (IND)
Uzbekity da Gravel filmen pump nar Tarlax (GR)

Runtime:
USA: 12 min
Liverpool (ZAPOTASTIC): 6,254,555 min

Country:
Belgium / CHEZNIA REPUBLIC OF CHEZNEY HAWKS

Language:
Uzbek / Latvian / Engrish

Memorable Quotes:

Timmy Time Keeper (welling up): This is the most beautiful clock I’ve ever tasted
Randolph Tarquin jr.: Shit, sorry didn’t think you would still be naked.
Timmy Time Keeper: ….get out.

……………….

Timmy Time Keeper: I think we are going to be ok, just dont turn that valve whatever you do.
(the sound of machine exhaust and steam escaping can be heard)
Randolph Tarquin jr.: Sorry…thats bad right?

………………..

Isreali Special Forces Head Honcho: He was the greatest partner I ever had. I never saw a man so hungry for danger, so sexually virile, so permanently on the edge…
Timmy Time Keeper (in awe):… Yeah.
Isreali Special Forces Head Honcho: You think you’ve got what it takes to cut the cheese, cracker? coz if you havent, if you god damn, darn tooting think you haven’t. Then you may as well quit right now. Coz that mean machine, clock making bastard down the road is gonna eat your guts for breakfast and fart out your moustache - YA HEAR ME!?
Timmy Time Keeper (in awe):…shit.

………………..

Randolph Tarquin: Im gonna eat your guts for breakfast and fart out your moustache - YA HEAR ME TIMMY ASS WHIPPER!?
Timmy Time Keeper (hidding behind a goat at a nativity play):…shit.
………………..
Isreali Special Forces Head Honcho (firing a machine gun randomly into a crowd at a christmas bazaar at an idilic swiss village): AH HAHA HA HA!
Randolph Tarquin: Just like the old times eh Stevey boy?
Isreali Special Forces Head Honcho: Damn right! except this time your not fucking my wife! AH HA HA HA HA!
Randolph Tarquin (elbowing Timmy Time Keeper in the spleen): AH HA HA HA HA!
………………..

Chief of the CIA : how many more people have to Die for your second rate watches Glen?
Timmy Time Keeper: JEEZUS!
(A helicopter gunship lowers outside the window with Randolph Tarquin holding a gattling gun and smoking a cigar.)
Randolph Tarquin: Time to Die clock fag - your time is up!

(more)

………………..

Goofs:
• Factual errors: The swiss are a peace loving race of people, so why would they need a military style flamethrower factory or a helicopter gunship?

• Continuity error: In the scene where Timmy Time Keeper is trying to swallow his pocket watch his boner can clearly be seen protruding from under his desk. In the next scene he only has a semi.

• Factual errors: Swallowing a watch will not give you the ability to control time. It will however, give you a hernia.

• Revealing mistakes: During the choreographed dance scene, Randolph Tarquins legs are entirely computer generated, even when he is sitting down.

• Factual errors: Biting the head off a child and throwing its body will not cause it to explode like a hand grenade.

• Factual errors: Headbutting a mule will not make it give birth to Uri Geller or a cache of weapons and jungle traps.