Subliminal Criminals

Directed by
Steven Seagal
James Earl Jones
The artist formerly known as Prince, then as just a squiggly line, now as Prince again under the pseudonym of Earl Nicholas Pilchard-Chip-Granblerzz

Writing credits
Steven Seagal (including soundtrack) and
Mick Jagger (characters)
Rupert Everett (Second Draft, all homosexual characters, animal noises)…
(more)

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / hip-hop Educational (more)

Tagline: These robotic bitchez does be dronin’!(more)

Plot Outline: On an abandoned mining facility in Neo-Saudi Arabia far in the future, a Hyper Dronez manufacturing plant is the setting for an all out war between Razzy Ladytron with his band of motley space-pirates, and the Hyper Dronez, hip-hip robots sent back from even further in the future to wreck some shit hardcore.

User Comments: “Futuristic Sci-fi action hip hop is the best genre EVEr.” (more)

“the director has a boner for chase scenes. Which is ok I GUESS” - Razorface

User Rating: 8.3/10 (86,364 votes) top 250: #70

Cast overview, first billed only:

Razzy Ladytron
Chazz Palminteri

Michael Jordan
Chargrill Charlie

Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson
Stephen Seagal

General Daglon Killshit
Corey Feldman (with large shoulder pads)

Grandal Tooflegart
Rupert Murdoch / Arnold Swarchenegger

Abraham Zarflog (Hyper Drone)
Mustapha P. Warsaw

Creshno Murderstank (Hyper Drone)
Leeroy J. Musketstab

Indian Yoga Expert
Rahjeen Parvel III (”Boopy”)

Person who turns up late for rollerskating event:
James Woods

Grandma Chickenscarfer
Drew Barrymore (in disguise)

Rotating Knives Man
Kurt Russel

Gorgonzola Beast-droid
Richard Dreyfuss

Resurrected Dinosaur-Bot “Chompy 2000″
Andy Peters

Also Known As:
Drone that Bitches Ass (USA) (working title)
Murderous Robots II (USA) (working title)
Der Mekanikz Ein Shooting (GRM)

MPAA: Rated R for robotic violence, lethal hip hop moves and razor sharp facial hair including colourful language and gratuitous depictions of robots being molested by goats and/or pencil sharpeners. (1992 special edition)
Runtime: 178 min / USA:154 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / UK / Sizzling Fleshland

Language: English, Ebonics, Marsian, Various squelches and rubbing noises, gutteral wailing, soul poetry

Trivia:

• The Hyper Drones were built from scratch every day out of used clown wigs and melted sassafrazz (freshly squeezed)
• The moves used in the dance off in the final scene were developed by an actual hip hop robot that the cast and crew nicknamed “Clanky Jeffrey” on account of the mechanical noises he made when dancing, making love, or just not doing anything at all. It should be noted that the hip hop robot was slightly rusted and smelled of burning cheese.
• In between the first chase scene, where the Hyper Dronez are chasing General Killshit (in hovercars) from the Maximum Security Prison to the Alien Cantina, and the seventh chase scene where General Killshit’s bio-genetically engineered Super Llama Android on a hoverbike is chasing Rotating Knives Man (on a hoverboard) from the HyperBall Stadium to the Interplanetary Spaceport, there was initally to be a non-chase-scene scene involving many of the characters doing everyday activities such as rollerblading, shopping, replacing solar powered roof tiles, raising livestock and heabutting each other. However this scene was dropped in favour of another chase scene because it was deemed “too un-chase-scene-like” to be included, and the director though that it needed “more of a chase-scene feeling”. As a result, all non-chase-scene scenes were replaced with chase scenes except for the scenes where characters are a)fighting b)arguing or c)stomping on each other’s necks or faces really, really hard (as these were deemed by the director to be “close enough in feeling to a chase-scene scene to be included alongside the other chase scenes.”). In this case, the non-chase-scene scene was replaced with a chase scene depicting Lazerstaxxx Ronson on a hoverbicycle chasing General Killshit (on a hover-disc) AND the Hyper Dronez (levitating) from the Bio-Domes in sector 4 to the Chemical Android Processing Factory of Hyper-Power. Twice.
• Director’s Trademark: Robotic lead characters perform long soliloquys while other cast members stay frozen in one place
• Actor’s Trademark: Steven Seagal employing at least three different ethnic dialects ranging from black to hispanic to mexican to native american, including a mixture of all four.
• Director’s Trademark: Close ups of twin suns setting while soft synth music plays hard in the background, followed by a bucket of blood splashing onto the screen.
• When both teams are warming up for the Death-blood Bowl Cup competition, Corey Feldman can be seen in the background pulling his trousers down and waving his buttocks in Steven Seagal’s face. This was not in the script. Seagal, attempting to stay in character as “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson, took out his hyper-blaster and shot Feldman, causing his buttocks to melt off. Just before the scene cuts you can see a stray dog coming to sniff the remains of Feldman, and Seagal high-fiving with Arnold Swarchenegger.
• Directors trademark: Animals being set on fire while country rock music plays.
• Directors trademark: Long, drawn out barbecue scenes which inevitably end up with characters accidentally roasting, and dining on, their own limbs.
• Directors trademark: Opening sequence involves hidden camera footage of one or more crew members taking huge dumps
• The artificial leg that Grandma Chickenscarfer uses to ultimately defeat Gorgonzola Beast-droid was made entirely out of frozen blood. It sold on Ebay for $15 and recieved the comment “SPEEDY DELIVERY BUT BLOOD WAS MELTED wuold not buy from seller again…..”
• Actors Trademark: James Woods tearing off his shirt and screaming during a president or political figure’s campaign speech
• Directors Trademark: Climax of movie is filmed in sausage-making factory (see “Revenge of Blood Death 12″ and “Escape back to Return of Monkey Mountain 3″)
• Director’s trademark: Human feet replaced by hoofs during chase scenes
• Director’s trademark: Young children operating heavy lifting equipment (cranes, diggers etc.) and listening to gangsta rap
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfuss getting a killboner during his death scene
• Actor’s trademark: Drew Barrymore dining on the skulls of those who oppose her

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: When the Hyper Dronez say the magic words (”POWER TO COMBINE MAGICALLY FOR ADVANCED MECHANICAL ROBOT DESTRUCTION”) and high five and begin transforming, you can clearly see the wires holding their arms up in the air while somebody else (most likely a crew member) tucks there shirts into their pants and says “there there, there there, mummy will be here soon. Shh. Shh.”
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The first fifteen minutes of the film is footage of Susan McTillgrit (second unit director) in the toilet with a bad case of diarrheoa. (See director’s trademark above)
• Steven Seagal’s pacemaker sets off the fire alarm during the penultimate chase scene, dousing cast and crew in water. Filming continued as nobody wanted to draw attention to the weakness of such a strong, commanding figure.
• James Woods character occasionally played by a worm
• During the beach barbecue scene, James Woods can be seen eating a leg of ham. As the camera cuts between him and Razzy Ladytron, the ham in his hand changes into a half-melted accordion for a brief moment.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Razzy Ladytron (sweeping his arm out in front of him): Look, Space Pirates. Look. A fresh city for us to plunder.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: Excellent. I love plundering.
Grandal Tooflegart (squinting into the distance): Are those… Hyper Dronez?
Razzy Ladytron: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There hasn’t been any Hyper Dronez in all the galaxy since the year five million twelve.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: They kind of look like Hyper Dronez to me, boss. Crunching ones at that.
Razzy Ladytron: Shit.
Gorgonzola Beast-droid: Does this mean there won’t be any plundering?

——————————

Rotating Knives Man: Listen, pal. I risked my neck to give you this information, so the least you could do is sharpen my rotating knives.
Creshno Murderstank (tapping his robotic finger on a table): Don’t get me wrong, Rotating Knives Man. We Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez appreciate your… generosity. But I will not sharpen your blades, for fear of you turning against us and cutting us.
Rotating Knives Man (sweating blood): Damn. DAMN YOU ALL, CURSED MACHINES! Can you at least give me some oil?
Creshno Murderstank: No.
——————————

Michael Jordan: Looks like it’s just us against the hordes of Hyper Dronez.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson: Yeah. Just the way I like it. Bring it on, you tin-covered bastards!
General Daglon Killshit: You say that now, but I guarantee you’re gonna be crying like a little baby when those Hyper Dronez start busting moves on your ass. You ain’t never seen hip hop shapes like these.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson (opening his jacket to reveal a sparkling cube): We’ll see, General. We’ll see.
General Daglon Killshit (shocked): Oh my… oh my god. Is that… is that the Zarflax Cube?
Michael Jordan: Maybe we do have a chance…
(the characters high five and stand up)
(more)

Awards: Won 17 Oscars, including “Best Hip Hop Educational Crossover”, “Best Gun Noises During Underwater Scene”, “Most Uses of the word ‘Hyper’ in a Minute”, “Longest End Credits”, and “Most Awesomest Script”. Another 15 wins & 21 nominations (more)

FAQ:
- If the Hyper Dronez run on Solar Power, how come they choose to mount their final attack at night?
- If General Killshit was really a Hyper Drone in disguise, how come his legs fall off in the last seconds of the movie? (more)

Scene 14,000,0000, 678. 5 3/4 +_(*7)+12=3.

The screen is dark with some vague pump up music playing, (on a scale of 1 to 17.5, with 1 representing Campbell telling stories and 17.5 representing boning lucy liu during an earthquake and exploding hard, this music is about a 7.)

The camera is zooming around the room quite fast. first, it zooms in on a porcelain figure of a midget, which explodes. next, it zooms in on a chest of drawers so hard that it melts, twice.

Zooms up to the end of the bed, where we see two giant, hairy feet hanging out of a winnie the pooh duvet cover. The music’s level of pumpitude increases a notch. Some loud snoring can be heard behind the music. The camera pans up to reveal steven seagal wearing a bob the builder nightgown, clutching a dead horse to his chest. some blood drips around onto the bed a few times. suddenly seagal wakes up, rapidly eating the dead horse (for nourishment) and not even blinking while he does it. He flies softly out of bed and makes a whistling noise. his armoire opens and some clothes fly out, wrapping themselves around his adonis-like physique. just then, his bedroom door slams open hard, revealing lucy liu, cameron diaz, and the ghost of christmas past. they high five each other pretty hard and say in unison: “super happy mega news!!” Seagal smoothly pops a giant boner in their direction, gurning hard…….

WHAM! The pump up music is gone, replaced by sad violin type music. seagal wakes up for real this time, with a cockroach crawling over his eyeball and some cigarettes/cigars poking out of his ears. he eats them rapidly, for nourishment. he looks down and sees mr T sellotaped to his cowboy boots. he kicks him away, mumbling something about magnets and shit. he shakes his head and a high priced hooker falls out of his tibetan prayer-hat. she lands on the pavement hard. she starts saying something, but camera zooms in on seagals upper lip, which states ‘im too old for this shit’ and he knees her hard in the pulmonary semi lunar valve 3 times. She vibrates and withers away suddenly, the camera zooms in on her and she implodes before evaporating. Seagal laughs, but before he has even noticed, mr T (who is enraged from alcohol and lack of sleep) is on the rampage, blindly smashing any kind of human shapes / trees in front of him. This old lady only walks past him but he is like RRAAARGH! And knife-hand-strikes her in the optic nerve, severing her suspensory ligament HARD. Then, a defenceless old war veteran walks behind him but Mr T spins round and mule kicks him very hard in the tympanic membrane, totally disabling the guys cochlea. The guy was deaf anyway, but mr T doesn’t give a crap. He sees another human shape in front of him and prepares to smash its sarcoplasmic reticulum ultra hardly. But the camera stops, everything goes slow motion (except a dog in the background which runs around really fast, crapping everywhere (especially on this business mans suit.) pump up music begins again at around a level of 15.5 on the pumpitude scale (that is HIGH.) (equivalent to boning lucy liu during a volcanic eruption without exploding). Anyway, mr T realises that this thing in front of him is none other than his old friend steven seagal! He decides to change his attack plan to concentrate on pheonix-eye punching his diaphram. Seagal senses this and changes his posture to protect himself, simultaneously causing 15 cars parked on the street to explode just by looking at them. Mr T recognises his awesome power and gives up straight away. But seagal is not a wimp and finishes him off anyway with a hard uppercut to his left ventricle combined with an elbow to the vena carva. Mr T softly explodes with a crunchy noise, with pieces of gold and brains showering over a gleeful seagal. Pump up music plays so hard that it redifines the pumpitude scale to include it, and then the scale explodes.

WHAM! The music stops, seagal wakes up gurning hard…

THE END!

Wow, I got so pumped writing this script that one of my legs expanded to the size of the rock or Gibraltar before falling off and exploding, whilst at the same time, 14 people from kazekhastan imploded (which may or may not have been caused by my level of pumpedness.) anyway, definitely some elephants in india did some loud trumping noises before killing their mentors hard because of this script.

Directed by:
Melinda Craven

Writing credits:
Melinda Craven
Ronaldo Macdonaldo
Hercules B Awesome
Jules Verne (Via psychic medium.)

Genre:
Horror / Sci-Fi / Zombie / Time-travelling mega adventure (more)

Tagline:
Time to turn those dials…. TO ZOMBIE!!

Plot Outline:
In the early 19th century, a eunuch stumbles upon a fantastic machine with the abilty to send the user to the future! (Or past, whatever.) However, there’s a catch… A zombie catch! The time machine was in fact invented by zombies from pre-raphaelite India…
… (more) (view trailer)

User Comments:
“are they seriously claiming that jules verne was involved in this travesty and helped them write the script from beyond the grave?” - Timothy Jorlox

“Yes, we are.” - Melinda Craven

“Well, thats dumb.” Timothy Jorlox

“Why dont you come back to me when you have successfully released a movie that grossed over $1,545 at the box office, eh timmy boy?” - Melinda Craven

“so i need to direct a movie to tell you your shitty movie sux??” Timothy Jorlox

“Tell it to the crew over at MegaMAX Zombie Movie Review who gave me the runners up prize for best independent feature about zombies and time machines directed by a woman with at least 4 spastics in lead roles. Yeah, tell it to them, Timmy Boy.” - Melinda Craven

“did you just say spastics?” Timothy Jorlox

“Hacksaw jim duggan RULES! HORRRRR!” WWF-fan2005
… (more)

User Rating:
2/10 (5 votes)

Credited cast:

Malakai Zorbonne
Terry Tofflo

Gordon Londinium
John Gorlap

Og
Robert de Niro

Robo-man E-7766
Eddie Murphy

Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu
Pierce Brosnan

King Solomon
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hitler
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Stalin
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Jesus
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Emperor Hirohito
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Bill Gates
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Woody Allen
(more)

Also Known As:
The Hacksaw Jim Duggan Show (Alberquerqe)
Ein Zombie-flitsch zer Clokspin (GER)

Runtime:
USA: 120 min
Luxembourg: 121 min

Country:
USA / ROMANIA

Language:
Prehistoric Dutch, Lower English, Zorflax.

Memorable Quotes:

Malakai Zorbonne: What ever is this strange device? A clock? An automobile? Some devilish combination of the two?
Gordon Londinium: We shall see, Malakai. Come, let us see now!
Malakai Zorbonne: Alas, forthwith see we shall.

……………….

Og (clubbing himself on the head with a club): Og. Og bog snogga rog.
Malakai Zorbonne: I think he’s trying to communicate.
Gordon Londinium: Are you sure it is a he?
(Malakai Zorbonne and Gordon Londinium inspect Og’s genitals for an extended period.)
Gordon Londinium: He appears to be a fully functioning male home-erectus.
Malakai Zorbonne (doing up his flies): Yes… very erectus!
(Malakai and Gordon laugh heartily)

……………….
Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu: I am nothing but a construct of light and energy and spirit.
Gordon Londinium: What have you done with Malakai you foul abomination!
Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu: Malakai is here with us.
Gordon Londinium (tears welling in his eyes): Malakai, you FOOL! I told you not to visit the future without me… I TOLD YOU!
Jesus (swinging a 2×4 towards Phooeeaaeeaaaaooouuu): Take that ya nebulous piece a crap!
Robo-man E-7766 (shooting Jesus in the face with a laser): That’s enough of that, cracker!
………………..

Hitler: How did ve get here?
Stalin: Dis appearsa to bea some kind of ole torn in de fabric ofa de space-time.
Jesus (smashing Hitler over the head with a plank of wood):
St. Paul, 3:12: Thou shalt remove the plank of wood from your own eye before complaining about the piece of sawdust in your fellow man’s, motherfucker.
(Stalin begins violating Hitler’s corpse)
Gordon Londinium (appearing from thin air): What! What are you doing you… animals! I didn’t bring you back to the future in order for you to act like common animals!
Robo-man E-7766 (shooting Gordon Londinium in the face with a laser): I AM NO ANIMAL, LONDINIUM!
………………..
Gordon Londinium (frantically eating a spoon): Must… eat… spoon…
Malakai Zorbonne (unzipping his flies and moving towards Gordon Malakai): Gordon… Gordon… What has become of you? It’s as if you don’t realise what is happening around you…
Gordon Londinium (trying to look at his own brain): Must look at… my own brain…
Malakai Zorbonne: You… you don’t know what is happening, do you? I could do anything I want and you wouldn’t remember… If we went back in time afterwards!
Gordon Londinium (scratching his armpits and jumping up and down): Must… scratch armpits… and jump up…. and down.
Malakai Zorbonne: Robo-man, set the time machine to pre-historia… I am taking Gordon on a little vacation! A… sexy vacation.
Robo-man E-7766 (sighing mechanically): Acknowledged.

Goofs:
• Factual errors: Winding a clock up backwards does not allow you to travel through time. Even if you wind it really, really fast.

• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Malakai Zorbonne’s character displays clearly homosexual tendancies. The more observant among you will notice that homesexuality was not invented until tennis became popular in 1935. However, let’s not forget people, THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT TIME TRAVELING?!

• Revealing mistakes: The time machine’s tail is clearly visible flopping around on the floor throughout most of the movie.

• Miscellaneous: Hacksaw Jim Duggan ordered one pig every day to be sent to his trailer. At the end of filming, 427 pigs were found, unharmed but wild-eyed (and later found to be clinically sterile), huddling together and moaning quietly.

• Factual errors: The formula for turning back time is not “1 part audacity times the speed of light squared, divided by two handsome adventurers”. as quoted in the script.

• Continuity: Gordon Londinium’s nose moves around his face throughout the movie, at one time appearing sticking out of the barrel of his gun, before settling on his left knee-cap where it remains until the end of the movie.

• Revealing mistakes: Actor Terry Toflo’s prosthetic head is glaringly obvious in the love-making scenes.

• Continuity: Robo-man E-7766 smokes a cigarette in every scene. In scene 12b, the cigarette gets progressivley shorter in each take, but then suddenly gets longer towards the end of the scene. At frame 237, the cigarette, which should have been smoked down to the butt by now, is clearly the seven-metre erect penis of a whale

Insider Trivia:

• Cast and crew took 3 months of shooting before realising that Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s agent had accidentlally sent a horse dressed up as a cowboy instead of the real Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

• Actor’s Trademark: Terry Toflo eating his food through a straw coming out of his butthole.

• Upon seeing Woody Allen’s performance as Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is said to have flown into a terrible rage and eaten twelve packets of crisps in a row. Once the crisps had been digested he later apologised to Woody Allen before ramming a plank of wood up his nose and patting him on the shoulder saying “There there, there there.”

• Actor’s Trademark: Pearce Brosnan self-harming when he doesn’t get his way.

• Director Trademark: People wearing hats made out of jellyfish.

• Music plays during important or significat scenes.

• The people playing the characters in the film are in fact professional actors; there is no Gordon Londinium, and they did not travel back in time to the 14 billion BC and invent cutlery.

• Director Trademark: Homosexual time-travelling adventurers save the world from catastrophe.

• Actor’s Trademark: Woody Allen’s eyeballs slowly drooping out of his head.

• Director Trademark: Trapdoors slamming shut on character’s balls