Subliminal Criminals

Directed by
John McTiernan (Predator)
with
Brian Blessed (Fat guy with a beard)

Writing credits
Agatha Christie
Moomin Clown-brak
Billy “Supermachine” Freakinkins

Produced By
Morgan Freeman (posing as a dog)

Genre: Action / Adventure / Time-travelling / Dinosaurs / Love story / Romantic Horror Slasher / Swimming pools / Gnarly (more)

Tagline: This little dinosaur has survived extinction… but can he survive HIGH SCHOOL?? (more)

Plot Outline (supplied by Din0-Fan-2000): Two totally gnarly dudes, COREY and BRAINER, are taking their annual skiing trip to Mount McHighfrost with their family. One day, out causing mischeif, they come across an old abandoned ice cave. They venture inside, while some tinkly piano music and soft synth layers echo around. Suddenly they come across a giant block of ice. It contains a real live dinosaur who is totally frozen up!! Then a storm comes and totally blocks the entrance of the cave and it gets all dark and cold and pretty scary (I know I was scared, anytway!!!) The two young bucks decide to make a fire but they foolishly didn’t realise that the fire would melt the ice!> (of cours!!!) So they fall asleep with the fire on in between them. Unbeknownst to them as they fall asleep, the fire starts melting the block of ice. at this point you get pretty darn pumped as the melted ice reveals the dinosaur bit by bit… first just its nostrils and it breathes in and out loudly. Then it thaws down to the mouth and a tongue comes out and some saliva dribble,s and it makes a kind of weak braying sound like a baby donkey. Naturally the dinosaour has been asleep for about a million years or whatever so it is pretty hungry and weak. Suddenly the ice thors out realy slowly and then reveals its arms which scratch around the place constantly. Then before you realise it the whole dinosaur has be revealed!! and it walks over to the boys and starts licking them and kicking them but not too hard. Then they wake up and they are like WOAAAHH!! but they high five each other and hten they try to high five the dinosaur. At first of course it doesn’t know how to do it (duh, its a dinosaur!!) but eventually it gets the hang of it so they do some high fives and then they roast marshamallows on the fire and say “Awesome!” in unison. Luckily the boys had a creepy disabled brother that they carry around in a backpack. They feed it scraps of meat. Then they look at each other and nod and wink and say “Are you thinking what I’m thinking buddy?” and then they strip the brother of all his clothes and throw him off a cliff and give the clothes to the dinosaur including an awesome cap. They put it on the dinosaur and then the dinosaur turns it around backwards!! They look at each other, then at the dinosaur, then they say “RADICAL!” And high five pretty hard. The dinosaur kind of says “HORHOM” with some hooting or howling sounds, so they decide to call it “Grunter.”

Together, Grunter, Corey and Brainer embark on their biggest adventure yet… HIGH SCHOOL!

The scene is set for utmost hilarity and pure fascination. Will Grunter get invited to the prom by Suzy Yvette, the most beautiful girl in school? Will the skeptical Principal Darkpump figure the hell out that the new boy Grunter is not all that he seems? And how will Brian Belcher, the school bully, react when Corey and Brainer’s new friend Grunter (the dinosaur!) is there to protect them?!

(You can find out the answers to all these questions and more by watching the movie!!)

Dino-fan-2000 xxxx

User Comments:
“Pure fucking shit. I’d rather be inhaling stinging nettles through my armpits than watching this unbearable drivel. I actually cried with hatred.” - BigPuff1900

“Like DEnver the Last Dinosaur, only much, much gayer.” - Morton Bilkranz

“How does the principle not realise that Grunter is a dinosaur when the fucking thing has a huge tail and takes a huge, steaming dump in his office when he is trying to tell him off for skipping detention? ” Frazzmatazz

“I don’t think having the dinosaur flip out and eat the two main characters during the final swimming competition scene was a good ending to the movie. At all.”

User Rating: 2.77/10 (7 votes)

Cast overview

Corey Jenkins
Corey Feldman

Billy “Brainer” Braithwate
Fred Savage

Grunter the Dinosaur (Voice)
Pat from Eastenders

Suzy Yvette
Mr T

Principal Darkpump
Richard Dreyfuss

Brian Belcher
Steven Seagal

Mr. Grillchild (PE Instructor)
Brian Blessed

Ralton (post sex change)
Jonothan Parkwitch

Muhammed Al Shalbreek
Raidengator “Numbers” McGee

Rotting potatoe that falls on Darkpump’s head in the exorcism scene
Dorian Krinkenhaver

Corrupt Policeman 12
Slasencourt Marlenbone the Second

Rahuna, Snake Goddess of Agablarn
Ruudy O’Zoltran (TRAZZ!)

Also Known As:
Einer Dino-kinder ert ein FUCK (Germany) (working title)
What, A Dinosaur?! (MLDV) (working title)
Est una dinosora in me escolao! (SPN)
Prtzk faakt Strookztn Tyranno Danzer! (PLND)

MPAA: Rated 18 for repetitive and motion-sickness inducing scenes involving violence against hunks of turf dug up from a smelly old vegetable garden, and horses smoking cigars and talking with american accents possibly whilst wearing visors and playing cards.

Runtime: 98 min / Czeck Republic : -0.56 min (extended edition)
Country: USA, Mountains, That place next to India… what is it… France.

Language: American, howling, Post-industrial Kuwaiti Pidgin, Crunch crunch

Trivia:

• Agatha Christie and John Mctiernan despised each other so much they often resorted to slashing each other in the face with knives. In fact there are not one, not three, but eight scenes during which key points of dialogue are drowned out by the sound of arguements and faces being slashed hard.
• Grunter the Dinosaur was not a real dinosaur, but a complicated system of corpses, ropes, pulleys, and the contents of an underdeveloped, diabetic giraffe’s stomach sac.
• Corey Feldman’s cocaine habit was so strong during filming that it eventually had to be written into the script. Notable scenes include him snorting a line from Principal Darkpump’s dandruff-crusted centre parting, doing a line the size of an average human’s leg whilst swinging from the roof of an ambulance, and an entirely improvised scene where various crew members stand around crying whilst Feldman twitches on the floor covered in white powder mumbling something about the fucking lights of Nebraska not paying their looney gates on time again, fuckshit.
• Actor’s Trademark: Brian Blessed eating a live goat
• Director’s Trademark: Sustained bursts of heavy machine gun fire in slow motion to the sound of fingernails being wiped down a chalkboard (or a marmoset trying to cough up a hairball)
• The hand that Fred Savage uses to pat Grunter’s back whilst consoling him after SuzyYvette has turned him down for the prom is actually an old ham fashioned into a vaguely hand-like shape. If you look closely you can see that there are only four fingers, and stink lines emanating from the top.
• Directors trademark: Shoes having a life of their own when their owners have gone to sleep.
• Directors trademark: Fast motion clips of farmers drop-kicking chickens into swimming pools filled with blood and cheese to the sound of somebody eating a hornet.
• Actors trademark: Raidengator “Numbers” McGee wearing sunglasses on his bottom.
• Raidengator “Numbers” McGee was declared clinically insane after filming wrapped. He had spent most of the shoot trying to eat his trailer and attempting to crap in sleeping crew members ears or mouths.
• The baby cart that Ruudy O’Zoltran tries to sell to Fred Savage during the shootout scene (and which subsequently spontaneously combusted during filming) was a real baby cart and had Brian Blessed’s baby in it. Blessed was quoted as saying “Drat it all, I was going to eat that.”

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: In the eating competition, Fred Savage’s brain can be seen each time he opens his mouth. Also a trumpeting noise sounds whenever he blinks.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Many critics of the movie claim that a dinosaur could not successfully disguise himself as a student for a second, let alone an entire term. These critics however fail to realise that this was the eighties, which gave us flying time machines, half robot half human but all-cops, hover boards, wraparound shades, and awesome.
• Continuity: In the opening scene, Fred Savage’s father is decapitated by a dustbin lid flying across the screen. Blood splashes against the entire cast and the camera zooms in on his gurgling corpse. However in the very next scene, at the Battle of the Bands in the High School, Savage’s father appears not only as himself but as the drummer for “Mounting Confusion” and the (female) singer of “Frustrated Period Glass-ripperz”
• Due to a mixup with the scripts, characters often perform each other’s lines instead of their own. This is most noticeable in the scenes where the character of the dinosaur talks about himself in the third person with an Austrian accent.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Corey Jenkins: Man, I fucking love skiing so bad.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Tell me about it, dude. Fuck, high five my ass.
Corey Jenkins: Hey man… do you see that shit? It’s like a fucking mountain or something.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Bodacious!
Corey Jenkins: Do you want to touch my pee pee?
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: So bad.

——————————

Grunter the Dinosaur (snarling and howling and wearing a large coat. Clearly Fred Savage has stashed himself inside the coat and is talking instead of Grunter.) Hey, um, Suzy. You are like totally hot. So do you wanna go to the prom with me?
Suzy Yvette (twirling gum around her finger): Do you think Chip Strongchin will want to go to the dance with me?
Grunter the Dinosaur (nervous): What, that meathead? Ho ho ho. He’s just a meathead. Not good enough for you. (under his breath My sweet, sweet angel.
Suzy Yvette: Yeah, but Yvonne said his dick tastes like candy.
Grunter the Dinosaur (sighing): I wish my dick tasted like candy.
Brian Belcher (suddenly appearing from the boys toilets): What the fuck did you say you fucking freak?
Grunter the Dinosaur (panicking): Look! A spaceship!

——————————

Principle Darkpump: What have you got to say for yourself, Corey?
Corey Jenkins says nothing and kicks the floor.
Principle Darkpump: What did you and that new boy, Grunter, need from the science storage room, anyway?
(Camera zooms in on Jenkins head and an echoing voiceoever sounds If only he knew… I needed some formaldehyde to keep Grunter’s skin from falling off due to the effects of being frozen in time!
Principle Darkpump: So, the silent treatment, eh. I have just the thing for silent boys. (Principle Darkpump unzips his trousers and sits on the arm of Jenkins’ chair.)
(Zoom in, off-screen voiceover again Time to take one for the team, Corey my boy.

——————————

Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Hey mom, this is my new friend, urr…. Grunter. He’s not a dinosaur or anything.
Mom (playing an N.E.S.): Are you sure? He kind of looks like a dinosaur. I mean he is scaly and has a tail and…
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Goddamit mom you son of a bitch, why do you have to be so hard on me? Is it because Dad left you and you are nothing but a stupid  old witch?
Mom: Did you pick up my beef jerky from the grocery store?
(Grunter hoots and kicks over a vase which smashes on the floor.)
Mom: Nice doggy.