We open on the inside of a Donkeys Pancreas a fist slams right through it and into the camera like “WHAM! here i fucking am!” the fist pulls out and the camera zooms along with it. This is accompanied by a braying sound and a Donkey falling over. Now out in the hot mid day sun STEVEN FRIKIN SEAGAL is Squinting right into the camera
subtitles: Svelt Spindlekarp age 13 and three quarters (Steven Seagal).
Bad eighties keyboard music starts to play zorting and di dee doo noises are happening.
Cut to the inside of a Goats Druadium, a foot kerumps right up to the camera with the words “made in Brussels Bitches” tatooed on it. The foot zooms out accompanied by the sound of a Giraffe imploding.
Now back outside VAN STUPID DAMME looks quizically into camera with a “HUR” noise.
subtitles: Shneider Williamsondersansonsunjin 14 (Jean Claude Van Damme.)
The two muscle bound cool guys are clearly in the middle of a montage as they are both holding five guns in one hand, they turn to face each other Van Damme states “Lets Do Dis” Seagal mumbles “Suppers on the coal stove crackers gone hungry, lets get the alabama missisipi train rollin ma nigler” they both arm wrestle / hand shake and the camera zooms up to their fists lightning and sparks are flying out of their hands seemingly by magic. The eighties music is at an all time pump up high of 10 jizillion mega spurturtles.
At this point the audience is putting their hands and feet into meat shredders and crying HARD coz they know…they KNOW a montage is about to occur.
WHAM MONTAGE TIME!!!!!!!!! (everyone in Uganda turns inside out and the sound of a million marmosets landing on the sun is felt inside your brain)
“Girls just wanna have fun” by Cindy Lauper starts playing. Van damme does the flying splits over a Harley Davidson shouting “Woo!”. cut to Seagal yanking peoples arms off sending them spinning into a spaghetti maker. Van Damme backflipping over bikini clad girls by a swimming pool landing in the splits and punching a cocktail waiter right in the balls shouting “HUR!”. A bad guy being mule kicked by Seagal off the back of a speed boat, only to be run over by another speed boat being driven by Van Damme who gives a thumbs up and says “WOO!”. someone getting slapped and the slapped again and again then kicked backwards out of a glass window on the fifth floor the guy lands with a splat next to Van Damme in a yellow vest, white trousers and sunglasses, he looks up and raises a pina colada up at Seagal who puts his hands to together as if to pray then just smirks. A man being punched through the spine by Seagal and then having his head kicked off by Van Damme they both say “hur!” or “WOO!”. A gaggle of nuns being shoved out of a plane with parachutes on then Seagal marches up to the pilot and snaps his neck, then both him and Van Damme backflip out of the plane again shouting “BOOYA!”
this montage is amazing and ends with an explosion of fire with the words “SUPER SLAM FEST 7 dont fuck with these guys coz your going to pay the price Bad Guys.” smashing into the screen twice.
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