Miami Vice music is playing really hard - everything is cool in Miami.
That is what you obviously get from this scene.
A tall dark stranger in yellow crocodile skin cowboy boots is tromping his way down Miami beach. despite the extreme heat, the stranger is wearing orange skin tight jeans, a mexican poncho and a native american indian head-dress on top of a builders hard hat. He also has a diamond and wall nut necklace around his neck.
Some mexican street kids are gathered around a carboard sign that says “Sick of being a loser dead beat nobody? learn karate here from one of the greats.” Mr.T is sitting on a beach chair next to the sign eating an ice cream from a cone. Subtitles read: introducing Mr T as Kensington Fairfax. Next to him is a Karate Gi with stars and stripes and an eagle embroided on it, next to that sits an airwolf hat with a few cents and crumpled up bits of money in it.
A kid is crying as his Sensai stands over him with his foot in the kids face. Cut to a close up of Mandral Parlax accompanied by subtitles: Featuring Chuck Norris as Sensai Mandral Parlax. Mandral grins and starts twisting his foot in the poor kids face. “Go on cry! im gonna teach you the meaning of respect for an american man who learns the ancient art of death killer kai Karate Do!”
SMASH-GARGLE - SNAP, TWIST…CHOKE!
Zooming close up into Mandrals face and a look of complete horror.
Spinning close up of the stranger standing with one cowboy boot in Kensington Fairfaxes left nostril, blood and ice cream is spattered half way up his orange skin tight jeans. A loud shiplooping sound is heard followed by the sound of a balloon deflating and chicken soup being spilled on a pillow.
subtitles: and Steven Seagal in his 5th outing as Leutenant Dutch Kool in…
MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5!!!
random fast cuts of people being shot, stamped on, twisted, Slapped, blown up in Miami. Goats being kicked through shop windows, Seagal holding someones hand down on the accelerator of a motorbike then breaking their hand so its stays on ‘death speed’ as they career off into a scissor and spoon factory which promptly explodes. wide angle of Chuck Norris screaming KIAAAAAAAAI!!!!!! and jumping out of a helicopter and Impaling himself on Seagals already extended leg. Jean Claude Van Damme and Seagal High Fiving, laughing and wearing white vests and mirror sunglasses. Someones knee being dislocated. A mexican man’s neck being broken by a cowboy boot. A hoof pressing a big red button with the word “Disembowel” written above it. A spinning punch to the temples of a midget. a cup of tea with fingers floating in it, pan back to reveal a man holding the cup looking up, short of a few fingers. Seagal towers over him gurning and waving like a child in the most condescending way ever imaginable. Jean Claude Van Damme does the flying splits and kicks two goats square in the side of the head causing their brains to evacuate out of their nostrils immediatley like right the-god-damn-NOW!
MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5 flashes up on the screen with the tagline BAM! welcome to Miami BITCHES. Will Smith was wrong…Dead wrong!
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