By Sheena Tarstank, Staff Reporter
STARS BRIGHTEN LOS ANGELES NIGHT
Los Angeles was melting under the hot summer sun this past Wednesday. But the heat was turned up even more, as if it were night-time (if that’s even possible) by the Hollywood “stars”, out en masse for the premiere of Steven Seagal’s new action movie, Hard Slammin Karate Breakers. These “stars” temporarily swooped down to earth, dressed to the nines in sequins, shoulder pads and sexy suits, and wowed audiences. By walking along the red carpet towards the premiere of the movie.
If it was “stars” on the red carpet, then there was certainly a supernova of action happening at the premiere. Seagal rolled up in his customary 1957 modified Chevrolet Stretch Convertible Hovercraft, causing quite a stir with the local traffic cops. One of the cops was last seen tapping on the window of Seagal’s vehicle and asking to see his license and registration. What happened next is anyone’s guess but by all accounts, the window opened just a fraction, then the cop was sucked inside like a piece of wet spaghetti. There were some gurgling and breaking noises and then the window on the other side opened up and a shoe fell to the sidewalk. The nerve of these cops, trying to show up stars at their own premieres. Fucking shitheels.
Seagal arrived with his usual entourage in tow, offering plenty of opportunity for the paparazzi “hounds” to “wolf up” some “pictures.” There was that chick from Weird Science with the funny accent, Sylvester Stallonegger (who was carrying Danny de Vito in a small leather handbag), Jules the talking horse, Chief-runs-with-scissors and his daughter, Krystal, as well as the fourteen white llamas that Seagal has taken to bringing along with him everywhere.
Seagal stunned the fashionistas on the red carpet with his outfit: combining cowboy boots with knee-pads and hot pants, with an american-indian cowskin poncho, fur hand warmers and a ten gallon hat, Seagal looked magnificent. Truly magnificent.
The film itself was an absolute masterpiece, a perfectly crafted piece of cinema history that allowed Lord Seagal to shine in all his glory. Long live the lord and master and may he long lord over us all, in a master-like way.
Amen.
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