Subliminal Criminals

Start with a closeup of a pig eating from a trough. Hard rock music plays hard. Quick zoom in on the pig food, then zoom out up to the stars as a guitar / drum solo wails hard. The pig can be heard squealing a little. A cutout of Patrick Swayze appears in the corner of the screen and begins singing the theme song, “When you can catch upon a lucky star”. He grunts out the words in his husky voice:

“When you can catch upon a lucky star,
You know just where I’ll be.
When you need somebody to hug, yeah baby
That’s where I’ll be.”

Slow fade in from black to the sound of an incredibly tall man headbutting a jar of marmalade played slow motion and in reverse. The scene is a college american football game. People are cheering and drinking beers and hot dogs in slow motion. It is night. The two teams, the Mougenbrockern Raiders and the Toollahassee Sequins, are tied 156 to 156 in the 7th quarter. PatrickSwayze fades off screen but you can still hear the theme tune.

“You gotta reach deep down inside yourself,
And find your inner American soul,
Like the pilgrims did all those years ago,
And then you never let me go”

The word “Go” drags out really long and some synth noises followed by a hard, driving snare beat zork into the speakers at brain-jellifying volumes. Patrick swayze flashes onto the screen for half a second, his eyes closed, hair large and permed, with his fist clenched in front of his breast. He falls to his knees and fades away. The singing continues as the camera zooms in on:
CHIP LEZNAR played by Chuck Norris. Despite playing a college football player, he has a full grown beard and a thousand-yard stare that could kill a bear from 15 miles away. He smirks and throws the football which slams into another players skull causing his legs to blast off his body in different directions and his face to melt. Another player pulls off his mask and the camera zooms in on his face. Freeze frame and it’s Steven Seagal playing MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD. “My inheritance is bigger than yours, assface,” says Seagal. Two huge football players come to tackle him and he sidesteps, grabs one by the ear and the other by the kneecap, steps, twists, shoves and the players land in a heap next to them with their limbs rearranged and their hair on backwards. Seagal and Norris slam their helmets back on their heads so hard that they sink about 10cm into the turf and say in unison “It’s game time. Let’s get it on!”

Quick montage of the rest of the game with Patrick Swayze superimposed in glowing white in the corner of the screen, still singing. Seagal slams into a random player in slow motion who does a backflip before splitting apart like a ripe banana.

“When you think you can’t go on no more,”

Cut to a close up of Norris grinning behind his faceplate. Then zoom out to see that he is standing on a huge pile of dead bodies wearing football uniforms and tossing a ball up in the air. “Come and get it lard-ass,” he says.

“I don’t wanna hear that goddam crap. Suck it up and remember…”

Split screen showing Seagal running towards Norris. Bodies are flying everywhere like ragdolls and random buckets of blood are splashing against the screen and/or your face.

“You got to wish upon your lucky star…”

The two athletes approach each other and the camera zooms out to show the night sky where a shooting star flies across the screen accompanied by the sound of a tramp throwing a cat in the bin.

“And baby that’s where I’ll be…”

Cut to the after party in some big rich slob’s mansion. Seagal and Norris are sipping champagne and flirting with hot babes whilst glaring at each other murderously across the room. Their glare is so intense that one guy accidentally walks in between them when they were staring at each other and promptly a red line appears across his body, then his chest, head and arms slide off and fall to the floor and a fountain of blood and guts sprays out of his decapitated body, showering party-goers in ropy gore which is awesome. Norris and Seagal continue staring at each other throught the fountain of blood. A close up of the blood, combined with a soft-focus split screen shot of Seagal and Norris’s face and the sound of a carpenter bashing a terrapin against a wooden fence, will give the audience the strong feeling of some kind of high-level symbology with a hidden deeper meaning going on. CHIP LEZNAR’s best friend TRIPP MCWILLIAMS says “Hey man are we gonna win the state championships or what? And when are you gonna bone MELISSA CHOAD-HEART. She wants your cock.”

CHIP LEZNAR (Norris) grins and sidekicks a random party-goer so hard he explodes like a watermelon that has been put in the microwave. “That bitch is mine,” he says, extra-loud, still staring sideways at MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD (Seagal.) MARCUS hears this and freaks out, crushing his glass in his hand which explodes and then rubbing the shards of glass in some chick’s face. He stands up and the music stops with that KKKKEEESRCH sound that happens when the needle is suddenly pulled off a record. Partygoers pause midsentence and stare at Seagal and Norris, who are breathing so hard that their nostril hairs are blowing out about 10cm from their face and then inverting and going down their throat pretty hard. Somebody says to Seagal “Chill out dude, have a cocktai—” but he gets cut off mid sentence as Seagal knife-hands him in the throat (still looking only at Chuck Norris) causing his head to fall off and then a dog walks in the patio doors and sniffs the head, then takes a wizz on the head, then howls. Somebody pats Chuck Norris on the shoulder and says “I think you shoul—” but gets cut off as Norris’s foot swivels round at an unnatural angle and zooms up underneath his chin, kicking him hard in the face, then in the ear, lastly in the neck twice causing the guy to vomit and then die.

Freeze frame on this scene of utmost tension. PAtrick Swayze appears breifly wearing diapers and sucking his thumb.

“LUCKY STAR 2” Slams into the screen to the sound of a hampster sitting on a chair being thrown through a window. “HAPPY GO LUCKY” appears underneath as if being spray painted on with a green aerosol can. Screen fades to black and a cutout of Patrick Swayze walks on done on a really bad bluescreen with a thick white outline. He looks at the camera and makes two guns out of his hands, pretends to shoot the camera, then blows imaginary smoke from the ends of his fingers. Freeze frame on him then a shooting star flies across the scene with a noise like a firework.

DIRECTED BY HUMBERT CHOO-KRANTZ headbutts the screen so hard your willy shrivels up and your balls burst.

We open on a close up of a golden basketball, maniacal laughter is clearly heard blasting out of the speakers making your skin vibrate. Zoom out to reveal Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) flying up into the air with the Robotic Harlem Globetrotters, flames protruding from his Golden ‘Nike air foshizlax’ trainers.

Clive Hoops (Chuck Norris) turns to camera and asks: “Can you fly a plane!?”
smiling with a look of dumb confidence Rodney (Dennis Rodman) replies: “…Like a Bird”
Clive Hoops: “What? that doesn’t make sense…birds can’t fly planes.”
Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins): “He’s get-ing a-way!”

“This September…” crunches into your ears making your pancreas swell.

Clive Hoops states (Chuck Norris): “Ain’t nobody gonna take my dreams or my golden balls away from me Sucka - Let it Rain!!” before turning to take a three pointer shot from half way down the basketball court. Close up of the ball dropping through the net on fire. Clive Hoops turns to camera, smiles to reveal a gold platted tooth with a diamond encrusted basketball on it and states “…white chocolate.” Rodney (Dennis Rodman) exclaims “holy shit craker that was-”

KABOOOM!!!!!!!! The basketball court explodes tearing a hole in the side of a mountain in the swiss alps causing macedonia, mesapotamia and argentina to prolaps convulse and then invertilate TWICE!

“Prepare to be dunked on…”

Cut to Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) with one arm outstretched holding a golden basketball with diamonds spelling out the words ’slam dunk da funk’ on it “You and the Dunkettes are about to loose your panties for the last time Clive!”
Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins) retorts “Do not come up in my face and be like ‘I am all that’ be-cause I am here to reprezent yo.”
backed up by Rodney (Dennis Rodman) “words bitch! f’sho nuthin but air there - WOO!”
at which point the Robotic Harlem Globe trotters grow an extra twelve inches as their red eyes burn brighter than ever before and start shooting lazers into the crowd surrounding the basketball court.

“Join Dennis Rodman and Chuck Norris in a stellar cast”

Cut to a muscular afro wearing robot slam dunking and sending plastic glass from a shattered backboard raining down on Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins) who is crying. Cut to Clive hoops (Chuck Norris) standing on Rodney’s (Dennis Rodman) shoulders and missing a shot as Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) sweeps Rodneys legs from under him causing Clive to land badly on Rodneys head, which slams into the floor making his teeth launch out his mouth followed by a shower of blood and a high pitched scream. Cut to Clive holding a bazooka with a basketball instead of a rocket, smoking a cigar. cut to Sir Dunks a lot crying. Back to Clive firing the bazooka at a small child who’s head explodes. Cut to Rodney being shoulder barged by a robotic harlem globe trotter impaling him on his spikey shoulder he stands and dribbles off with Rodney still stuck on his shoulder who is letting out another high pitched wail. Doctor Dunk and Clive Hoops Jump up into the air together to catch a rebound crushing Rodney between them who is already badly beaten, Clive treads on Sir Dunks a lots face as he looks up in awe.

The words “DUKES OF DUNKAGE!” Incinerate the screen burning the words into your retinas as your kidneys explode and your nose melts in, you shit all over the person next to you and their face melts as a fully grown guinea pig teleports right into the middle of your hemoglorax and also shits everywhere too. SHIT!

Fade to a diamond encrusted afro hurtling through space to the sound of Sir Dunks A lot (Steven Hawkins) Crying. FADE TO QUADRALANGULAR MAGENTA!

Directed by
Steven Seagal
James Earl Jones
The artist formerly known as Prince, then as just a squiggly line, now as Prince again under the pseudonym of Earl Nicholas Pilchard-Chip-Granblerzz

Writing credits
Steven Seagal (including soundtrack) and
Mick Jagger (characters)
Rupert Everett (Second Draft, all homosexual characters, animal noises)…
(more)

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / hip-hop Educational (more)

Tagline: These robotic bitchez does be dronin’!(more)

Plot Outline: On an abandoned mining facility in Neo-Saudi Arabia far in the future, a Hyper Dronez manufacturing plant is the setting for an all out war between Razzy Ladytron with his band of motley space-pirates, and the Hyper Dronez, hip-hip robots sent back from even further in the future to wreck some shit hardcore.

User Comments: “Futuristic Sci-fi action hip hop is the best genre EVEr.” (more)

“the director has a boner for chase scenes. Which is ok I GUESS” - Razorface

User Rating: 8.3/10 (86,364 votes) top 250: #70

Cast overview, first billed only:

Razzy Ladytron
Chazz Palminteri

Michael Jordan
Chargrill Charlie

Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson
Stephen Seagal

General Daglon Killshit
Corey Feldman (with large shoulder pads)

Grandal Tooflegart
Rupert Murdoch / Arnold Swarchenegger

Abraham Zarflog (Hyper Drone)
Mustapha P. Warsaw

Creshno Murderstank (Hyper Drone)
Leeroy J. Musketstab

Indian Yoga Expert
Rahjeen Parvel III (”Boopy”)

Person who turns up late for rollerskating event:
James Woods

Grandma Chickenscarfer
Drew Barrymore (in disguise)

Rotating Knives Man
Kurt Russel

Gorgonzola Beast-droid
Richard Dreyfuss

Resurrected Dinosaur-Bot “Chompy 2000″
Andy Peters

Also Known As:
Drone that Bitches Ass (USA) (working title)
Murderous Robots II (USA) (working title)
Der Mekanikz Ein Shooting (GRM)

MPAA: Rated R for robotic violence, lethal hip hop moves and razor sharp facial hair including colourful language and gratuitous depictions of robots being molested by goats and/or pencil sharpeners. (1992 special edition)
Runtime: 178 min / USA:154 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / UK / Sizzling Fleshland

Language: English, Ebonics, Marsian, Various squelches and rubbing noises, gutteral wailing, soul poetry

Trivia:

• The Hyper Drones were built from scratch every day out of used clown wigs and melted sassafrazz (freshly squeezed)
• The moves used in the dance off in the final scene were developed by an actual hip hop robot that the cast and crew nicknamed “Clanky Jeffrey” on account of the mechanical noises he made when dancing, making love, or just not doing anything at all. It should be noted that the hip hop robot was slightly rusted and smelled of burning cheese.
• In between the first chase scene, where the Hyper Dronez are chasing General Killshit (in hovercars) from the Maximum Security Prison to the Alien Cantina, and the seventh chase scene where General Killshit’s bio-genetically engineered Super Llama Android on a hoverbike is chasing Rotating Knives Man (on a hoverboard) from the HyperBall Stadium to the Interplanetary Spaceport, there was initally to be a non-chase-scene scene involving many of the characters doing everyday activities such as rollerblading, shopping, replacing solar powered roof tiles, raising livestock and heabutting each other. However this scene was dropped in favour of another chase scene because it was deemed “too un-chase-scene-like” to be included, and the director though that it needed “more of a chase-scene feeling”. As a result, all non-chase-scene scenes were replaced with chase scenes except for the scenes where characters are a)fighting b)arguing or c)stomping on each other’s necks or faces really, really hard (as these were deemed by the director to be “close enough in feeling to a chase-scene scene to be included alongside the other chase scenes.”). In this case, the non-chase-scene scene was replaced with a chase scene depicting Lazerstaxxx Ronson on a hoverbicycle chasing General Killshit (on a hover-disc) AND the Hyper Dronez (levitating) from the Bio-Domes in sector 4 to the Chemical Android Processing Factory of Hyper-Power. Twice.
• Director’s Trademark: Robotic lead characters perform long soliloquys while other cast members stay frozen in one place
• Actor’s Trademark: Steven Seagal employing at least three different ethnic dialects ranging from black to hispanic to mexican to native american, including a mixture of all four.
• Director’s Trademark: Close ups of twin suns setting while soft synth music plays hard in the background, followed by a bucket of blood splashing onto the screen.
• When both teams are warming up for the Death-blood Bowl Cup competition, Corey Feldman can be seen in the background pulling his trousers down and waving his buttocks in Steven Seagal’s face. This was not in the script. Seagal, attempting to stay in character as “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson, took out his hyper-blaster and shot Feldman, causing his buttocks to melt off. Just before the scene cuts you can see a stray dog coming to sniff the remains of Feldman, and Seagal high-fiving with Arnold Swarchenegger.
• Directors trademark: Animals being set on fire while country rock music plays.
• Directors trademark: Long, drawn out barbecue scenes which inevitably end up with characters accidentally roasting, and dining on, their own limbs.
• Directors trademark: Opening sequence involves hidden camera footage of one or more crew members taking huge dumps
• The artificial leg that Grandma Chickenscarfer uses to ultimately defeat Gorgonzola Beast-droid was made entirely out of frozen blood. It sold on Ebay for $15 and recieved the comment “SPEEDY DELIVERY BUT BLOOD WAS MELTED wuold not buy from seller again…..”
• Actors Trademark: James Woods tearing off his shirt and screaming during a president or political figure’s campaign speech
• Directors Trademark: Climax of movie is filmed in sausage-making factory (see “Revenge of Blood Death 12″ and “Escape back to Return of Monkey Mountain 3″)
• Director’s trademark: Human feet replaced by hoofs during chase scenes
• Director’s trademark: Young children operating heavy lifting equipment (cranes, diggers etc.) and listening to gangsta rap
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfuss getting a killboner during his death scene
• Actor’s trademark: Drew Barrymore dining on the skulls of those who oppose her

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: When the Hyper Dronez say the magic words (”POWER TO COMBINE MAGICALLY FOR ADVANCED MECHANICAL ROBOT DESTRUCTION”) and high five and begin transforming, you can clearly see the wires holding their arms up in the air while somebody else (most likely a crew member) tucks there shirts into their pants and says “there there, there there, mummy will be here soon. Shh. Shh.”
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The first fifteen minutes of the film is footage of Susan McTillgrit (second unit director) in the toilet with a bad case of diarrheoa. (See director’s trademark above)
• Steven Seagal’s pacemaker sets off the fire alarm during the penultimate chase scene, dousing cast and crew in water. Filming continued as nobody wanted to draw attention to the weakness of such a strong, commanding figure.
• James Woods character occasionally played by a worm
• During the beach barbecue scene, James Woods can be seen eating a leg of ham. As the camera cuts between him and Razzy Ladytron, the ham in his hand changes into a half-melted accordion for a brief moment.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Razzy Ladytron (sweeping his arm out in front of him): Look, Space Pirates. Look. A fresh city for us to plunder.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: Excellent. I love plundering.
Grandal Tooflegart (squinting into the distance): Are those… Hyper Dronez?
Razzy Ladytron: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There hasn’t been any Hyper Dronez in all the galaxy since the year five million twelve.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: They kind of look like Hyper Dronez to me, boss. Crunching ones at that.
Razzy Ladytron: Shit.
Gorgonzola Beast-droid: Does this mean there won’t be any plundering?

——————————

Rotating Knives Man: Listen, pal. I risked my neck to give you this information, so the least you could do is sharpen my rotating knives.
Creshno Murderstank (tapping his robotic finger on a table): Don’t get me wrong, Rotating Knives Man. We Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez appreciate your… generosity. But I will not sharpen your blades, for fear of you turning against us and cutting us.
Rotating Knives Man (sweating blood): Damn. DAMN YOU ALL, CURSED MACHINES! Can you at least give me some oil?
Creshno Murderstank: No.
——————————

Michael Jordan: Looks like it’s just us against the hordes of Hyper Dronez.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson: Yeah. Just the way I like it. Bring it on, you tin-covered bastards!
General Daglon Killshit: You say that now, but I guarantee you’re gonna be crying like a little baby when those Hyper Dronez start busting moves on your ass. You ain’t never seen hip hop shapes like these.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson (opening his jacket to reveal a sparkling cube): We’ll see, General. We’ll see.
General Daglon Killshit (shocked): Oh my… oh my god. Is that… is that the Zarflax Cube?
Michael Jordan: Maybe we do have a chance…
(the characters high five and stand up)
(more)

Awards: Won 17 Oscars, including “Best Hip Hop Educational Crossover”, “Best Gun Noises During Underwater Scene”, “Most Uses of the word ‘Hyper’ in a Minute”, “Longest End Credits”, and “Most Awesomest Script”. Another 15 wins & 21 nominations (more)

FAQ:
- If the Hyper Dronez run on Solar Power, how come they choose to mount their final attack at night?
- If General Killshit was really a Hyper Drone in disguise, how come his legs fall off in the last seconds of the movie? (more)

YESS!!! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

For those of you who have been waiting to see the new comedy duo of the 80s strut their stuff, THIS IS IT.

Prepare to be so pumped you don’t even know where you left your car keys or even if you have a fucking car! FUCKshit!

“I didn’t wanna resort to violence…”

I love you Steven.

Crank your speakers the fuck up and warn your relatives that you may be about to go crazy apeshit bonkers on account of being too pumped to even speak or breathe or order pizza. GAH!

The year is 2025 thousand and seven…explodes onto the screen
over the shoulder shot of a man in a space suit twiddling a knob on a futuristic yet very 80s TV set. Some static, then a close up of a man’s moustache appears on the screen.
Close up of the man in the space suits face, he’s possibly an astronaut or some kind of futuristic stock market guy. Either way he’s pretty fucking pumped this is obvious because his beard is growing and shrinking extremely fast and his eyes are bulging and steam and baked beans are coming out of his tear ducts. Shit. yep that’s right you’ve just crapped yourself because your spleen has inverted.

Cut back to the screen to show Tom Selleck’s big fat face filling the screen, zoom out to reveal he’s sitting on a camel in just a pair of stars and stripes speedos grinning like a baboon. Him and the Camel amble up a beach to Wesley Snipes who is crouched next to a fire in the sand he’s also wearing Speedos only his are pink with a palm tree and a pina colada covering his balls.

close up of Wesley Snipes’ stupid grinning face, a coconut hurtles through the air and smashes him hard on the back of his head. He slumps face down into the fire evacuating his bowels into his speedos in the process. The camera follows the trajectory of the coconut and we see Arnold Schwasenegler tossing a coconut up and down in one hand and smoking a stogie. He says

“HAY Poin dexder, lets get thee paaardey shdarded!”
“Push it” by salt N pepa starts to play.

David Hasselhoff runs up the beach from out of nowhere, shouting “BOO YA - in your face grandma!” at an old lady and pointing to his crutch with a magnum.

Steven Seagal rocks up the beach in a jeep filled with bikini clad girls, knocking small children over.

Someone shouts BOO YA! off screen and a gunshot is heard followed by someone squeeling in agony.

Wesley Snipes sits up with blood dribbling from one nostril and a golf ball sized lump on the back of his head explodes. His eyes are blood shot and his chest is red raw from the fire he just fell on.

The Jeep skids next to the camel showering Snipes in sand and broken glass, he screams in pain but its too late, the camel mule kicks him through the brain making pate and sand and glass jet out his nostrils HARD!

Seagal steps out of the jeep wrapped in bikini babes and popping a boner. He’s wearing an orange moo moo, no trousers and cowboy boots. His boner twitches then subtitles crash onto the screen over a montage of Mr.T break dancing with street kids Seagal headbutting Zebras making their intestines shoot out of their bums like silly string, Tom Sellic and Arnold Swarzenegger smoking stogies and kicking camels. The subtitles exclaim:

JOIN THE ULTIMATE SUPERSTARS IN THE LATEST BEACH PARTY BASED CELEBRITY REALITY TV SHOW “IM INSANELY AMAZING SO WATCH ME BACK FLIP OVER STUFF SERIES IV”

smell of burning hair and hamster insides are running rampant in your nostrils and not to mention frontal lobe. You’ve soiled yourself as have I. FADE TO PURLACK!