Subliminal Criminals

Directed by
Steven Seagal
James Earl Jones
The artist formerly known as Prince, then as just a squiggly line, now as Prince again under the pseudonym of Earl Nicholas Pilchard-Chip-Granblerzz

Writing credits
Steven Seagal (including soundtrack) and
Mick Jagger (characters)
Rupert Everett (Second Draft, all homosexual characters, animal noises)…
(more)

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / hip-hop Educational (more)

Tagline: These robotic bitchez does be dronin’!(more)

Plot Outline: On an abandoned mining facility in Neo-Saudi Arabia far in the future, a Hyper Dronez manufacturing plant is the setting for an all out war between Razzy Ladytron with his band of motley space-pirates, and the Hyper Dronez, hip-hip robots sent back from even further in the future to wreck some shit hardcore.

User Comments: “Futuristic Sci-fi action hip hop is the best genre EVEr.” (more)

“the director has a boner for chase scenes. Which is ok I GUESS” - Razorface

User Rating: 8.3/10 (86,364 votes) top 250: #70

Cast overview, first billed only:

Razzy Ladytron
Chazz Palminteri

Michael Jordan
Chargrill Charlie

Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson
Stephen Seagal

General Daglon Killshit
Corey Feldman (with large shoulder pads)

Grandal Tooflegart
Rupert Murdoch / Arnold Swarchenegger

Abraham Zarflog (Hyper Drone)
Mustapha P. Warsaw

Creshno Murderstank (Hyper Drone)
Leeroy J. Musketstab

Indian Yoga Expert
Rahjeen Parvel III (”Boopy”)

Person who turns up late for rollerskating event:
James Woods

Grandma Chickenscarfer
Drew Barrymore (in disguise)

Rotating Knives Man
Kurt Russel

Gorgonzola Beast-droid
Richard Dreyfuss

Resurrected Dinosaur-Bot “Chompy 2000″
Andy Peters

Also Known As:
Drone that Bitches Ass (USA) (working title)
Murderous Robots II (USA) (working title)
Der Mekanikz Ein Shooting (GRM)

MPAA: Rated R for robotic violence, lethal hip hop moves and razor sharp facial hair including colourful language and gratuitous depictions of robots being molested by goats and/or pencil sharpeners. (1992 special edition)
Runtime: 178 min / USA:154 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / UK / Sizzling Fleshland

Language: English, Ebonics, Marsian, Various squelches and rubbing noises, gutteral wailing, soul poetry

Trivia:

• The Hyper Drones were built from scratch every day out of used clown wigs and melted sassafrazz (freshly squeezed)
• The moves used in the dance off in the final scene were developed by an actual hip hop robot that the cast and crew nicknamed “Clanky Jeffrey” on account of the mechanical noises he made when dancing, making love, or just not doing anything at all. It should be noted that the hip hop robot was slightly rusted and smelled of burning cheese.
• In between the first chase scene, where the Hyper Dronez are chasing General Killshit (in hovercars) from the Maximum Security Prison to the Alien Cantina, and the seventh chase scene where General Killshit’s bio-genetically engineered Super Llama Android on a hoverbike is chasing Rotating Knives Man (on a hoverboard) from the HyperBall Stadium to the Interplanetary Spaceport, there was initally to be a non-chase-scene scene involving many of the characters doing everyday activities such as rollerblading, shopping, replacing solar powered roof tiles, raising livestock and heabutting each other. However this scene was dropped in favour of another chase scene because it was deemed “too un-chase-scene-like” to be included, and the director though that it needed “more of a chase-scene feeling”. As a result, all non-chase-scene scenes were replaced with chase scenes except for the scenes where characters are a)fighting b)arguing or c)stomping on each other’s necks or faces really, really hard (as these were deemed by the director to be “close enough in feeling to a chase-scene scene to be included alongside the other chase scenes.”). In this case, the non-chase-scene scene was replaced with a chase scene depicting Lazerstaxxx Ronson on a hoverbicycle chasing General Killshit (on a hover-disc) AND the Hyper Dronez (levitating) from the Bio-Domes in sector 4 to the Chemical Android Processing Factory of Hyper-Power. Twice.
• Director’s Trademark: Robotic lead characters perform long soliloquys while other cast members stay frozen in one place
• Actor’s Trademark: Steven Seagal employing at least three different ethnic dialects ranging from black to hispanic to mexican to native american, including a mixture of all four.
• Director’s Trademark: Close ups of twin suns setting while soft synth music plays hard in the background, followed by a bucket of blood splashing onto the screen.
• When both teams are warming up for the Death-blood Bowl Cup competition, Corey Feldman can be seen in the background pulling his trousers down and waving his buttocks in Steven Seagal’s face. This was not in the script. Seagal, attempting to stay in character as “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson, took out his hyper-blaster and shot Feldman, causing his buttocks to melt off. Just before the scene cuts you can see a stray dog coming to sniff the remains of Feldman, and Seagal high-fiving with Arnold Swarchenegger.
• Directors trademark: Animals being set on fire while country rock music plays.
• Directors trademark: Long, drawn out barbecue scenes which inevitably end up with characters accidentally roasting, and dining on, their own limbs.
• Directors trademark: Opening sequence involves hidden camera footage of one or more crew members taking huge dumps
• The artificial leg that Grandma Chickenscarfer uses to ultimately defeat Gorgonzola Beast-droid was made entirely out of frozen blood. It sold on Ebay for $15 and recieved the comment “SPEEDY DELIVERY BUT BLOOD WAS MELTED wuold not buy from seller again…..”
• Actors Trademark: James Woods tearing off his shirt and screaming during a president or political figure’s campaign speech
• Directors Trademark: Climax of movie is filmed in sausage-making factory (see “Revenge of Blood Death 12″ and “Escape back to Return of Monkey Mountain 3″)
• Director’s trademark: Human feet replaced by hoofs during chase scenes
• Director’s trademark: Young children operating heavy lifting equipment (cranes, diggers etc.) and listening to gangsta rap
• Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfuss getting a killboner during his death scene
• Actor’s trademark: Drew Barrymore dining on the skulls of those who oppose her

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: When the Hyper Dronez say the magic words (”POWER TO COMBINE MAGICALLY FOR ADVANCED MECHANICAL ROBOT DESTRUCTION”) and high five and begin transforming, you can clearly see the wires holding their arms up in the air while somebody else (most likely a crew member) tucks there shirts into their pants and says “there there, there there, mummy will be here soon. Shh. Shh.”
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The first fifteen minutes of the film is footage of Susan McTillgrit (second unit director) in the toilet with a bad case of diarrheoa. (See director’s trademark above)
• Steven Seagal’s pacemaker sets off the fire alarm during the penultimate chase scene, dousing cast and crew in water. Filming continued as nobody wanted to draw attention to the weakness of such a strong, commanding figure.
• James Woods character occasionally played by a worm
• During the beach barbecue scene, James Woods can be seen eating a leg of ham. As the camera cuts between him and Razzy Ladytron, the ham in his hand changes into a half-melted accordion for a brief moment.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Razzy Ladytron (sweeping his arm out in front of him): Look, Space Pirates. Look. A fresh city for us to plunder.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: Excellent. I love plundering.
Grandal Tooflegart (squinting into the distance): Are those… Hyper Dronez?
Razzy Ladytron: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There hasn’t been any Hyper Dronez in all the galaxy since the year five million twelve.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: They kind of look like Hyper Dronez to me, boss. Crunching ones at that.
Razzy Ladytron: Shit.
Gorgonzola Beast-droid: Does this mean there won’t be any plundering?

——————————

Rotating Knives Man: Listen, pal. I risked my neck to give you this information, so the least you could do is sharpen my rotating knives.
Creshno Murderstank (tapping his robotic finger on a table): Don’t get me wrong, Rotating Knives Man. We Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez appreciate your… generosity. But I will not sharpen your blades, for fear of you turning against us and cutting us.
Rotating Knives Man (sweating blood): Damn. DAMN YOU ALL, CURSED MACHINES! Can you at least give me some oil?
Creshno Murderstank: No.
——————————

Michael Jordan: Looks like it’s just us against the hordes of Hyper Dronez.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson: Yeah. Just the way I like it. Bring it on, you tin-covered bastards!
General Daglon Killshit: You say that now, but I guarantee you’re gonna be crying like a little baby when those Hyper Dronez start busting moves on your ass. You ain’t never seen hip hop shapes like these.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson (opening his jacket to reveal a sparkling cube): We’ll see, General. We’ll see.
General Daglon Killshit (shocked): Oh my… oh my god. Is that… is that the Zarflax Cube?
Michael Jordan: Maybe we do have a chance…
(the characters high five and stand up)
(more)

Awards: Won 17 Oscars, including “Best Hip Hop Educational Crossover”, “Best Gun Noises During Underwater Scene”, “Most Uses of the word ‘Hyper’ in a Minute”, “Longest End Credits”, and “Most Awesomest Script”. Another 15 wins & 21 nominations (more)

FAQ:
- If the Hyper Dronez run on Solar Power, how come they choose to mount their final attack at night?
- If General Killshit was really a Hyper Drone in disguise, how come his legs fall off in the last seconds of the movie? (more)

Miami Vice music is playing really hard - everything is cool in Miami.
That is what you obviously get from this scene.
A tall dark stranger in yellow crocodile skin cowboy boots is tromping his way down Miami beach. despite the extreme heat, the stranger is wearing orange skin tight jeans, a mexican poncho and a native american indian head-dress on top of a builders hard hat. He also has a diamond and wall nut necklace around his neck.
Some mexican street kids are gathered around a carboard sign that says “Sick of being a loser dead beat nobody? learn karate here from one of the greats.” Mr.T is sitting on a beach chair next to the sign eating an ice cream from a cone. Subtitles read: introducing Mr T as Kensington Fairfax. Next to him is a Karate Gi with stars and stripes and an eagle embroided on it, next to that sits an airwolf hat with a few cents and crumpled up bits of money in it.

A kid is crying as his Sensai stands over him with his foot in the kids face. Cut to a close up of Mandral Parlax accompanied by subtitles: Featuring Chuck Norris as Sensai Mandral Parlax. Mandral grins and starts twisting his foot in the poor kids face. “Go on cry! im gonna teach you the meaning of respect for an american man who learns the ancient art of death killer kai Karate Do!”

SMASH-GARGLE - SNAP, TWIST…CHOKE!

Zooming close up into Mandrals face and a look of complete horror.

Spinning close up of the stranger standing with one cowboy boot in Kensington Fairfaxes left nostril, blood and ice cream is spattered half way up his orange skin tight jeans. A loud shiplooping sound is heard followed by the sound of a balloon deflating and chicken soup being spilled on a pillow.

subtitles: and Steven Seagal in his 5th outing as Leutenant Dutch Kool in…

MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5!!!

random fast cuts of people being shot, stamped on, twisted, Slapped, blown up in Miami. Goats being kicked through shop windows, Seagal holding someones hand down on the accelerator of a motorbike then breaking their hand so its stays on ‘death speed’ as they career off into a scissor and spoon factory which promptly explodes. wide angle of Chuck Norris screaming KIAAAAAAAAI!!!!!! and jumping out of a helicopter and Impaling himself on Seagals already extended leg. Jean Claude Van Damme and Seagal High Fiving, laughing and wearing white vests and mirror sunglasses. Someones knee being dislocated. A mexican man’s neck being broken by a cowboy boot. A hoof pressing a big red button with the word “Disembowel” written above it. A spinning punch to the temples of a midget. a cup of tea with fingers floating in it, pan back to reveal a man holding the cup looking up, short of a few fingers. Seagal towers over him gurning and waving like a child in the most condescending way ever imaginable. Jean Claude Van Damme does the flying splits and kicks two goats square in the side of the head causing their brains to evacuate out of their nostrils immediatley like right the-god-damn-NOW!

MIAMI DEATH SPREE 5 flashes up on the screen with the tagline BAM! welcome to Miami BITCHES. Will Smith was wrong…Dead wrong!

Scene 14,000,0000, 678. 5 3/4 +_(*7)+12=3.

The screen is dark with some vague pump up music playing, (on a scale of 1 to 17.5, with 1 representing Campbell telling stories and 17.5 representing boning lucy liu during an earthquake and exploding hard, this music is about a 7.)

The camera is zooming around the room quite fast. first, it zooms in on a porcelain figure of a midget, which explodes. next, it zooms in on a chest of drawers so hard that it melts, twice.

Zooms up to the end of the bed, where we see two giant, hairy feet hanging out of a winnie the pooh duvet cover. The music’s level of pumpitude increases a notch. Some loud snoring can be heard behind the music. The camera pans up to reveal steven seagal wearing a bob the builder nightgown, clutching a dead horse to his chest. some blood drips around onto the bed a few times. suddenly seagal wakes up, rapidly eating the dead horse (for nourishment) and not even blinking while he does it. He flies softly out of bed and makes a whistling noise. his armoire opens and some clothes fly out, wrapping themselves around his adonis-like physique. just then, his bedroom door slams open hard, revealing lucy liu, cameron diaz, and the ghost of christmas past. they high five each other pretty hard and say in unison: “super happy mega news!!” Seagal smoothly pops a giant boner in their direction, gurning hard…….

WHAM! The pump up music is gone, replaced by sad violin type music. seagal wakes up for real this time, with a cockroach crawling over his eyeball and some cigarettes/cigars poking out of his ears. he eats them rapidly, for nourishment. he looks down and sees mr T sellotaped to his cowboy boots. he kicks him away, mumbling something about magnets and shit. he shakes his head and a high priced hooker falls out of his tibetan prayer-hat. she lands on the pavement hard. she starts saying something, but camera zooms in on seagals upper lip, which states ‘im too old for this shit’ and he knees her hard in the pulmonary semi lunar valve 3 times. She vibrates and withers away suddenly, the camera zooms in on her and she implodes before evaporating. Seagal laughs, but before he has even noticed, mr T (who is enraged from alcohol and lack of sleep) is on the rampage, blindly smashing any kind of human shapes / trees in front of him. This old lady only walks past him but he is like RRAAARGH! And knife-hand-strikes her in the optic nerve, severing her suspensory ligament HARD. Then, a defenceless old war veteran walks behind him but Mr T spins round and mule kicks him very hard in the tympanic membrane, totally disabling the guys cochlea. The guy was deaf anyway, but mr T doesn’t give a crap. He sees another human shape in front of him and prepares to smash its sarcoplasmic reticulum ultra hardly. But the camera stops, everything goes slow motion (except a dog in the background which runs around really fast, crapping everywhere (especially on this business mans suit.) pump up music begins again at around a level of 15.5 on the pumpitude scale (that is HIGH.) (equivalent to boning lucy liu during a volcanic eruption without exploding). Anyway, mr T realises that this thing in front of him is none other than his old friend steven seagal! He decides to change his attack plan to concentrate on pheonix-eye punching his diaphram. Seagal senses this and changes his posture to protect himself, simultaneously causing 15 cars parked on the street to explode just by looking at them. Mr T recognises his awesome power and gives up straight away. But seagal is not a wimp and finishes him off anyway with a hard uppercut to his left ventricle combined with an elbow to the vena carva. Mr T softly explodes with a crunchy noise, with pieces of gold and brains showering over a gleeful seagal. Pump up music plays so hard that it redifines the pumpitude scale to include it, and then the scale explodes.

WHAM! The music stops, seagal wakes up gurning hard…

THE END!

Wow, I got so pumped writing this script that one of my legs expanded to the size of the rock or Gibraltar before falling off and exploding, whilst at the same time, 14 people from kazekhastan imploded (which may or may not have been caused by my level of pumpedness.) anyway, definitely some elephants in india did some loud trumping noises before killing their mentors hard because of this script.

Scene 1

Interior, KFC restaurant, afternoon.

you can see a butt slowly pumping in the moonlight. Zoom out slowly, revealing that is not really a butt, it is some guys bald head. the head explodes, revealing a hot asian babe with about 17 breasts. this kid spots them and is like ‘WOAH’ but before he reaches the ‘H’, seagal punches him in the spine hard. the kid chokes on his chicken wing, which flies out of his mouth and hits the babe, exploding 15 of her breasts, leaving her with 2 normal breasts. the guy at the counter laughs hesitantly at this, before imploding with a gurgling noise. seagal realises that the kid is mocking him, and so he sneaks up and plants roughly 18 explosives around the kids ears and kneecaps. the kid is about to say something stupid, so seagal prepares the detonator. just when the kid takes a breath, seagal elbows him HARD in the crotch. (he dies from this.)

just then, the door to KFC slams open hard, 3 times. on the third time, a man dressed as a smooth talking lion tamer strolls in fancifully. he nearly explodes a couple of times but doesnt…

The lion tamer played by David Hasselhoff in this scene, leans over to where Seagal is fingering the detonator and gurning softly.

Leaning closer he opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out… he stands straight abruptly. Straightens his tunic then leans in again…”are you going to eat that?” pointing at a half eaten tower zingwag burger (with extra pilchards) on Seagals lap. Seagal (still gurning) Uppercuts him in the thorax and karate punches him in the glands causing something to dribble from somewhere in his pants…then sits on the detonator. Exploding the KFC. This whole thing turns out to be an advert on tv for mcgibbons burger and hat house with the tag line “if you dont want this to happen to you, come and eat at mcgibbons NOW MR.”

Pan back to reveal a television set running the advert and Seagal, sitting on his leopard skin couch contentadly gurning away at the television set next to Mr.T. They high five pretty hard. Chico ushers in from left to right wearing a brown airwolf t-shirt holding a tray of happy snacks, cheezy puffs and pickled onion space raider crisps. He draws near to the two stars who are engrosed in a gurning and mumbling conversation when Seagal slaps Chico softly on the cheek and then pats his lap forcing Chico into the humilation of having to sit on Seagals lap.

Seagal totally has a boner in his pants, or a rolled up pair of socks but its most likely a boner. Chico sits on it, but then Seagal stands up real fast knocking Chico, chin first into the marble table in front of them, sending crisps and nuts everywhere, especially onto the velvet carpet. Seagal stomps on the back of Chicos liver causing something that looks like liver pate to squeeze out of his nose like toothpaste from a tube or ‘choob’ the whole time Mr T and Seagal are laughing while Chico cries (hard).

Cut to exterior shot with sniper-o-matic vision at a 6:12 ratio so we see a cross hair on seagals magnanamus chest, aiming right at one of his twleve droopy nipples, under his velvet moo-moo.

Cut back to interior shot of Seagal and Mr.T now both of them are stomping on Chico (real bad). Seagal bends down to get a better grip on Chicos frontal lobe and a shot cracks through the air and wizzes straight through Mr.Ts hemoglorax valve causing his pupils to dilate and dry so hard his testicles quiver, twitch, prolaps, twitch again then prolaps again (really hard). He turns white and probably dies from this in a painful way.

Somewhere in Adis ababa a mans toes curl in and his head falls clean off then his spine falls out. Cut back to Seagal totally beating on Chico still unaware that Mr T has been shot. Then he realizes and gurns pretty hard stomping slower and slower then grinds in a bit. He looks over out the window and sees a computer generated bullet flying towards him which he gurns out of the air in a really cool way. This looks totally awesome to everyone watching the movie. He then does a sweet backflip, side ways through a window and fires a poo out of his bum which rockets straight towards the guy who was shooting stuff. He ducks to avoid it, but catches another poo right in the mouth, then in the face and hair.

Seagal does another totally sweet move by launching one of his cowboy boots at the mr shooty guy, which lands right in the poo and grinds more into his face (hard). Cut to a close up of the shooty guy with a gun up his ass and seagal is stamping on the end of that gun, calling him a shit magnet really loud. Close curtains, Fade to ceruliun blue with magenta flames. And thats a rap.