Archive for the 'Arnold' Category

Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez (1986)

Directed by
Steven Seagal
James Earl Jones
The artist formerly known as Prince, then as just a squiggly line, now as Prince again under the pseudonym of Earl Nicholas Pilchard-Chip-Granblerzz

Writing credits
Steven Seagal (including soundtrack) and
Mick Jagger (characters)
Rupert Everett (Second Draft, all homosexual characters, animal noises)…
(more)

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / hip-hop Educational (more)

Tagline: These robotic bitchez does be dronin’!(more)

Plot Outline: On an abandoned mining facility in Neo-Saudi Arabia far in the future, a Hyper Dronez manufacturing plant is the setting for an all out war between Razzy Ladytron with his band of motley space-pirates, and the Hyper Dronez, hip-hip robots sent back from even further in the future to wreck some shit hardcore.

User Comments: “Futuristic Sci-fi action hip hop is the best genre EVEr.” (more)

“the director has a boner for chase scenes. Which is ok I GUESS” - Razorface

User Rating: 8.3/10 (86,364 votes) top 250: #70

Cast overview, first billed only:

Razzy Ladytron
Chazz Palminteri

Michael Jordan
Chargrill Charlie

Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson
Stephen Seagal

General Daglon Killshit
Corey Feldman (with large shoulder pads)

Grandal Tooflegart
Rupert Murdoch / Arnold Swarchenegger

Abraham Zarflog (Hyper Drone)
Mustapha P. Warsaw

Creshno Murderstank (Hyper Drone)
Leeroy J. Musketstab

Indian Yoga Expert
Rahjeen Parvel III (”Boopy”)

Person who turns up late for rollerskating event:
James Woods

Grandma Chickenscarfer
Drew Barrymore (in disguise)

Rotating Knives Man
Kurt Russel

Gorgonzola Beast-droid
Richard Dreyfuss

Resurrected Dinosaur-Bot “Chompy 2000″
Andy Peters

Also Known As:
Drone that Bitches Ass (USA) (working title)
Murderous Robots II (USA) (working title)
Der Mekanikz Ein Shooting (GRM)

MPAA: Rated R for robotic violence, lethal hip hop moves and razor sharp facial hair including colourful language and gratuitous depictions of robots being molested by goats and/or pencil sharpeners. (1992 special edition)
Runtime: 178 min / USA:154 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / UK / Sizzling Fleshland

Language: English, Ebonics, Marsian, Various squelches and rubbing noises, gutteral wailing, soul poetry

Trivia:

  • The Hyper Drones were built from scratch every day out of used clown wigs and melted sassafrazz (freshly squeezed)
  • The moves used in the dance off in the final scene were developed by an actual hip hop robot that the cast and crew nicknamed “Clanky Jeffrey” on account of the mechanical noises he made when dancing, making love, or just not doing anything at all. It should be noted that the hip hop robot was slightly rusted and smelled of burning cheese.
  • In between the first chase scene, where the Hyper Dronez are chasing General Killshit (in hovercars) from the Maximum Security Prison to the Alien Cantina, and the seventh chase scene where General Killshit’s bio-genetically engineered Super Llama Android on a hoverbike is chasing Rotating Knives Man (on a hoverboard) from the HyperBall Stadium to the Interplanetary Spaceport, there was initally to be a non-chase-scene scene involving many of the characters doing everyday activities such as rollerblading, shopping, replacing solar powered roof tiles, raising livestock and heabutting each other. However this scene was dropped in favour of another chase scene because it was deemed “too un-chase-scene-like” to be included, and the director though that it needed “more of a chase-scene feeling”. As a result, all non-chase-scene scenes were replaced with chase scenes except for the scenes where characters are a)fighting b)arguing or c)stomping on each other’s necks or faces really, really hard (as these were deemed by the director to be “close enough in feeling to a chase-scene scene to be included alongside the other chase scenes.”). In this case, the non-chase-scene scene was replaced with a chase scene depicting Lazerstaxxx Ronson on a hoverbicycle chasing General Killshit (on a hover-disc) AND the Hyper Dronez (levitating) from the Bio-Domes in sector 4 to the Chemical Android Processing Factory of Hyper-Power. Twice.
  • Director’s Trademark: Robotic lead characters perform long soliloquys while other cast members stay frozen in one place
  • Actor’s Trademark: Steven Seagal employing at least three different ethnic dialects ranging from black to hispanic to mexican to native american, including a mixture of all four.
  • Director’s Trademark: Close ups of twin suns setting while soft synth music plays hard in the background, followed by a bucket of blood splashing onto the screen.
  • When both teams are warming up for the Death-blood Bowl Cup competition, Corey Feldman can be seen in the background pulling his trousers down and waving his buttocks in Steven Seagal’s face. This was not in the script. Seagal, attempting to stay in character as “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson, took out his hyper-blaster and shot Feldman, causing his buttocks to melt off. Just before the scene cuts you can see a stray dog coming to sniff the remains of Feldman, and Seagal high-fiving with Arnold Swarchenegger.
  • Directors trademark: Animals being set on fire while country rock music plays.
  • Directors trademark: Long, drawn out barbecue scenes which inevitably end up with characters accidentally roasting, and dining on, their own limbs.
  • Directors trademark: Opening sequence involves hidden camera footage of one or more crew members taking huge dumps
  • The artificial leg that Grandma Chickenscarfer uses to ultimately defeat Gorgonzola Beast-droid was made entirely out of frozen blood. It sold on Ebay for $15 and recieved the comment “SPEEDY DELIVERY BUT BLOOD WAS MELTED :-( wuold not buy from seller again…..”
  • Actors Trademark: James Woods tearing off his shirt and screaming during a president or political figure’s campaign speech
  • Directors Trademark: Climax of movie is filmed in sausage-making factory (see “Revenge of Blood Death 12″ and “Escape back to Return of Monkey Mountain 3″)
  • Director’s trademark: Human feet replaced by hoofs during chase scenes
  • Director’s trademark: Young children operating heavy lifting equipment (cranes, diggers etc.) and listening to gangsta rap
  • Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfuss getting a killboner during his death scene
  • Actor’s trademark: Drew Barrymore dining on the skulls of those who oppose her

Goofs:

  • Revealing mistakes: When the Hyper Dronez say the magic words (”POWER TO COMBINE MAGICALLY FOR ADVANCED MECHANICAL ROBOT DESTRUCTION”) and high five and begin transforming, you can clearly see the wires holding their arms up in the air while somebody else (most likely a crew member) tucks there shirts into their pants and says “there there, there there, mummy will be here soon. Shh. Shh.”
  • Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The first fifteen minutes of the film is footage of Susan McTillgrit (second unit director) in the toilet with a bad case of diarrheoa. (See director’s trademark above)
  • Steven Seagal’s pacemaker sets off the fire alarm during the penultimate chase scene, dousing cast and crew in water. Filming continued as nobody wanted to draw attention to the weakness of such a strong, commanding figure.
  • James Woods character occasionally played by a worm
  • During the beach barbecue scene, James Woods can be seen eating a leg of ham. As the camera cuts between him and Razzy Ladytron, the ham in his hand changes into a half-melted accordion for a brief moment.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Razzy Ladytron (sweeping his arm out in front of him): Look, Space Pirates. Look. A fresh city for us to plunder.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: Excellent. I love plundering.
Grandal Tooflegart (squinting into the distance): Are those… Hyper Dronez?
Razzy Ladytron: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There hasn’t been any Hyper Dronez in all the galaxy since the year five million twelve.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: They kind of look like Hyper Dronez to me, boss. Crunching ones at that.
Razzy Ladytron: Shit.
Gorgonzola Beast-droid: Does this mean there won’t be any plundering?

——————————

Rotating Knives Man: Listen, pal. I risked my neck to give you this information, so the least you could do is sharpen my rotating knives.
Creshno Murderstank (tapping his robotic finger on a table): Don’t get me wrong, Rotating Knives Man. We Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez appreciate your… generosity. But I will not sharpen your blades, for fear of you turning against us and cutting us.
Rotating Knives Man (sweating blood):
Damn. DAMN YOU ALL, CURSED MACHINES! Can you at least give me some oil?
Creshno Murderstank: No.
——————————

Michael Jordan: Looks like it’s just us against the hordes of Hyper Dronez.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson:
Yeah. Just the way I like it. Bring it on, you tin-covered bastards!
General Daglon Killshit:
You say that now, but I guarantee you’re gonna be crying like a little baby when those Hyper Dronez start busting moves on your ass. You ain’t never seen hip hop shapes like these.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson (opening his jacket to reveal a sparkling cube): We’ll see, General. We’ll see.
General Daglon Killshit (shocked): Oh my… oh my god. Is that… is that the Zarflax Cube?
Michael Jordan: Maybe we do have a chance…
(the characters high five and stand up)

(more)

Awards: Won 17 Oscars, including “Best Hip Hop Educational Crossover”, “Best Gun Noises During Underwater Scene”, “Most Uses of the word ‘Hyper’ in a Minute”, “Longest End Credits”, and “Most Awesomest Script”. Another 15 wins & 21 nominations (more)

FAQ:
- If the Hyper Dronez run on Solar Power, how come they choose to mount their final attack at night?
- If General Killshit was really a Hyper Drone in disguise, how come his legs fall off in the last seconds of the movie? (more)

LAZER JAXX MULTI ZONE WARZ 5!!!

DISTRIBUTOR: Searing Ring Productions

STARRING: Arnold Svarchenegglerz, Gary Coleman, STEVEN SEAGAL!!!111!!!

Synopsis:

In this madcap comedy romance action horror period drama, Seagal reprises his role as Freeman Stiffrod, a hard bitten, ex- navy SEALS FBI special forces police squad Internal Affairs investigator with a penchant for fluffy pillows. Stiffrod is retired and living out his life on the island of Pangu Pangu, teaching dolphins how to write poetry and teaching disabled kids how to fly. But all is not well on the island of Pangu Pangu as arch villain Rummstein Badong (played vigourously by Arnold Svarzeneggler) sets up his secret Evil Base there and begins plotting to take over the world through the medium of dance. BAdong’s most gifted dancer / assassin is Bobby ‘Twinkle Toes’ Killfarts, (with a barnstorming performance by Gary Coleman.). Twinkle Toes falls in love with one of Stiffrod’s dolphins, and begins dating him tentatively. Stiffrod knows something is up, and the scene is set for all hell to break loose on the idyllic island of Pangu Pangu! With special effects by multi award winning* artist Tony Hart, and an epic, sweeping soundtrack provided by whoever wins pop idol, this is a sure fire hit, guaranteed to please audiences of all ages**.

With cameos by such gifted actors as the second duck from the left in scene 28 of babe the pig, one of sean connery’s eyebrows and the entire cast of ‘el dorado’, this is a film that Time magazine are predicting to be : “The worst film of all time, bar none.”

The Sunday telegraph called it “Absolutely atrocious. A drunk elephant with a pen shoved up its butt could crap out a better script in two seconds flat.”

Rupert Mardleflange of Newsweek cheerfully predicted that “anybody who watches this obnoixious, steaming excuse for a movie will experience the unpleasant sensation of having their brains liquified due to staggering levels of stupidity and a complete lack of pumpitude.”

COMING TO A VIDEO SHOP BARGAIN BIN NEAR YOU!

*1972 BBC runner up prize for best drawing of a cow with a blindfold on in under 5 seconds

**Not a real guarantee. Movie will not appear to people between the age of 4 and 97 inclusive.

disclaimer - watching this movie may cause uncontrollably vomiting, nausea and a nasty case of lockjaw.

Burning Man Syndrome Twelve

Scene 1, exterior, night, lunchtime, interior, cumshot.

Swarcheneggler is playing the part of Mandron Tullshlarb, an ex CIA FBI SPecial Forces NAvy SEAL Army RODENT assassin Squadron Hairdresser Commander. The scene opens on a long, slow panning shot of a cold place with loads of snow and/or ice flying around the place, including hail. In the centre of a screen we can see a lone figure of this guy who is about 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide. Zlow zoom in on the figure, which you realise is headbutting a large tree and simultanously (at the same time) mule kicking a bunch of angry wolves behind him. The wolves are trying pretty hard to eat / hunt him, but he is kicking them hard. The tree isn’t doing anything except getting headbutted hard. Suddenly cut to the guy’s face (swarcheneggler) who is grinning HARD!

Mandron (in austrian accent) I LOVE MY JOB

WOLVES ( in wolf accent) WOOO ! AROOO WOO! (explode)

Mandron (hungarian accent) I KILL YOU HARD!

The scene ends with Mandron lightly stamping on the wolve carcasses and headbutting the tree 58 more times. A mysterious helicopter arrives out of nowhere, squashing a church and landing on the snowy snow snow. Some military commander type guy backflips out of the helicpoter and runs in a non jerky manner towards Mandron. He is obviously here for one last job… (cue pump up music……….)

Pump up music is now playing at a scale of 4.7 being Rumstein, a german metal band no one likes but cant help getting pumped by. The miltary commando type guy is played in this scene by Keifer Sutherland, and hes totally here for that one last job. He does a standing backflip infront of Mandron and Salutes quite hard.

Mandron: (Austro hungarian accent) Here you are at laaast old buddy!

Keifer : (One eye brow falls off from the salute)You Old dog I thought the CIA, FBI Police Squad (pigs) had you pushing pens back in Washington till next June! (obviously an inside Joke)

Mandron: (French accent) AH HA HA HA HA Your Right but i pushed those pens…

(Mandron and Keifer in unison) RIGHT UP THERE ASSHOLES!

They both laugh again for about five minutes, what seems like ages, because they are so cool and then they smoke stogies (big cigars) Then they cartwheel over to the helicopter where a bunch of other beefcake guys are smoking HARD. The pump up music is now at around 7ish being a really cool song that makes you want to pop a huge boner and air guitar at the same time. All the beefcakes high five pretty hard, one of them gets inverted by Mandrons high five, then they take off in the helicopter really really fucksoi898 HARD!!!!!

They are flying along in the helicopter. Mandron is chewing like 15 cigars and painting his boner camouflage colours. So he turns around to the Captain:

Madron : ( in eskimo accent) : SO SAAARRGE, what is the operation?

SARGE: (in purple monkey accent) : WELL we have to GO to this abadnonded research facility and kill the president of it who is really an alien and rescue your DAUGHTER whilst simultanouesly foiling a plot for wolrd domination and KILLING A BUNCH OF generic TERORIST FUCKS HARD!

Mandron (in german accent) : SVEEET!

They high five semi-hard about 12 times. One of the other marine sharpshooter killer squadron guys picks his nose but accidentally pulls his brain out, withers then slides out of the side of the hecilopter before exploding in mid air. This causes the rest of the police cops to high five and giggle like schoolgirls. Just then a RPG (rocket pooping Grenade) screeches through the air. Mandron catches it between his nipples (which are protruding HARD) and crushes it up into a tiny package. His nipples flip it up into his mouth and he chomps it hard. The other guys are totally impressed, i mean like this one guy is so overjoyed that he wiggles around until his sphincter prolapses and then his left ventricle fluctuates before haveing an epileptic attack twice. The other guys piss on his corpse for about ten minutes.

BEGIN PUMP UP MUSIC!

NIght falls and the helicopter is still whirring around the planet.

MADNRON: (in polish accent) UH, when the fuck are we going to get there?

SARGE: (in american accent) WHERE do you MEAN, parnter?

MANDRON: (still polish) I mean when the fuck am i going to get to killl some mother fuckers?

SARGE: (french acent) : all in good time my leetle friend.

Mandron decides in the blink of an eye to kill the sarge right the hell now. He stands up and pops his camouflaged boner right in the sarge’s face. But the sarge is actually pretty strong and pops his own boner right back!! ! ! just then, a red light starts flashing indicating that they are nearing the drop zone…

Mandron decides in the blink of an eye to kill the sarge right the hell now. He stands up and pops his camouflaged boner right in the sarge’s face. But the sarge is actually pretty strong and pops his own boner right back!! ! ! just then, a red light starts flashing indicating that they are nearing the drop zone…

The drop zone is actually a bunch of fucking trees and stuff so the police sniper commando space team have to stop popping boners and get the fuck on with the infiltration. NOW. The Sarge extends his jaw forwards against Mandrons chest whilst gritting his teeth and chewing about twelve cigars and says: “Real firish dish ratter!”

Mandron punches the flashing red drop zone button so hard then jumps out of the helicopter while the rest of the guys use the ropes. PANSIES! FUCK!SHIT IM SO PUMPED THAT I CAN BARELY SEE!

The Police space commando patrol all get down safely and are thinkin where the fuck is Mandron when right then all of a sudden Mandron comes out from behind a giant bush holding twenty machine guns and knives and grenades and SHIT!! !?! Then the Sarge does the same thing except with at least seven bazookas and a flamethrower. Everyone in the team high five pretty hard. Then Mandron and the Sarge frown and chew on loads of Cigars again. Then they laugh in Austrian. (HARD)

Then Mandron pulls the pin on a grenade and eats it…they all start digging a big hole in the ground because the GPS (global poop-sitioning satellite) says : They are right fucking on top of it!!!

TBC…


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