Time Squad Police 4

Director:Paul Daniels
Writers:Ronaldo Hymelich / Jean Claude Van Damme
Genre: Thriller / Action / Sci-fi / Romance

Cast

Max Killhoof: Jean Claude Van Damme
Sinbad Tendril: Steven Seagal
Lt. Feltard Mandible: Chuck Norris
Senator Crandle: Timothy Dalton
Rajal spoontarp junior: Gary Coleman
Rajal spoontarp senior: James Earl Jones

filmed in Hilariovision 5.2

plot outline: In the future of 1997 time travel has become a reality for a select few. Senator Crandle hopes to rig the 1987 elections and become president of the USA before anyone else gets the idea. Special Time Squad Police constables Sinbad Tendril (Steven Seagal) and Leutenant Feltard Mandible (Chuck Norris) have to take down Senator Crandle without bumping into their former, trigger happy selves.

tag line: If at first you don’t succeed…go back in time again!

A ball of blue lightning eminates from behind a dustbin in a dark alley accompanied by a zorting sound, Leutenant Feltard Mandible slumped and naked on the floor reaches for a newspaper and says: “wow…1987, I … we made it.”
Sinbad Tendril (stepping through the time portal): “Yeah, but why are you naked?”
(scientists can be seen through the time portal laughing and pointing)
Feltard Mandible: “the scientists they told me that…oh brother!”

—————

Future Feltard Mandible shouting at 1980’s Feltard Mandible from behind an oil drum: “Give up dip shit you could seriously get hurt.”
1980’s Feltard Mandible crouching behind a Cadillac, reloading his Magnum: “Unlikely dic-head besides if your really me then what am i thinking right now?”
Future Feltard Mandible: “Thats not how it works MO-R-ON this is time travel not telapathy. Jeezus i was stupid.”

out of nowhere future Sinbad Tendril jumps out and kicks 1980’s Feltard Mandible in the knee snapping his leg at the shin.

Future and 1980’s Feltard Mandible simultaneously drop to the floor clutching their legs: “JEEEEEEEEEEEZUS!!!!!!!!”

—————

Sinbad Tendril siddling up to a poster of a chimpanzee in a dress with the words “The inner chimp book signing tonight!”
“Well theres no sign of Senator Crandle I think I’m gonna hit the hay…hows your leg by the way?”
Feltard Mandible: “You’re an idiot”
Sinbad Tendril: “Right, ya know I’m not that tired anymore I think I may just head into town meet ya back at the hotel later. Don’t do anything stupid”

—————

Lt. Feltard Mandible: “Ah fuck …we’ve fucked up time and space. This is exactly what those geeks were telling us not to do. SHIT!!!”

—————-

A monkey holding a clip board and wearing a lab coat: “Now Killhoof, we’re sending you back to fix what those idiots have done, I mean lets face it, it can’t possibly get any worse than this, we’re all monkeys for chris’ sake.”

Max Killhoof (Jean Claude Van Damme): “You can count on me doc…(stepping towards the time portal) and tell wendy I love her.”

cut to a monkey wearing a dress under a lab coat checking various computer read outs, scrawled on her name tag is the name Wendy…shes wearing a wedding ring.

—————-

Senator Crandle: “You see, I’m an ambitious Harvard-educated visionary who deserves to be the most powerful man in the world and you… you’re a fucking idiot who never figured out that the only way to make anything of himself with all that fancy kicking was on Broadway.”
Max Killhoof: “Thanks for clearing that up…prick.”

—————–

[as he kicks Senator Crandle in the brain]
Max Killhoof: “I’m still kicking. I must be on Broadway!”

—————–

January edition of Spoon Collectors Wives with Dr Hobo

Good fortles and welcome to another edition of spoon collectors wives with Dr.Hobo. In this afternortlings edition I will be hosting a special interview with my estimed colleague MMABJJ Mr Martle bart P Benyortle the 12fth(matt). I must say that Im looking forward to getting an incite into the inner workings of his underpants even if he does wear them as some sort of cravat.

Well here we go:

1) In the late 80’s AFHUNGEXPART (Afro Hunfgarian Existential Poetry art movement) exploded onto the forehead of the public, what was your most memorable moment of that period. If you have one?

2.3) If you could be any item of cutlery what would you be?

3) If orange is cat and dog is tulip, what is curtl?

Q) How many fingers am I holding up?

5) Stockings or Garters?

fig 11b) Croydon, Discuss.

SECTION 12-ANAMORPHIC PRESSURE ) After making a lateral incision to the cortical hemisphere, the hamster nebula is clearly visible through the translucent lower membrane of the gooch or goochsh. name two other types of incision.

8 and 3/4s) I am 11 in 15 years, how tall am I?

nine) TANK TOPS – Wesley Snipes or Ronald Ragen.

10) Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours Donkey. What also shalt thoueth not covert?

Vi) Complete the following “if you —– an elephant you are obviously —–.”

11) Lader Hosen or Panteloons? Loot or flute? (for double points)

Well thanks for tuning in, thats all for this week, next week we’ll be taking a closer look at marbles and how they are grown in a small boys inner ear in devon.

So long and safe spooning!

Darstle-o-farple tarps family pack

We open on a man holding his bowels. Close up of his hands clutching his bowels accompanied by
Sound effect: a herd of stempeding marmosets and cowboys yiping and shooting their guns in the air.
Titles: The Harbour Town of Nerfarbadad Circa 1874.

Slow pan up to the mans miserable face.
Sound effect: An elephant trumpeting.
Voice over: “Inverted Guteral Tract?”

Man Nods.

Cut to an eight year old boy with a baseball cap on sideways, his hands clamped around his sternum. Close up of his hands holding his bowels now
Sound effect: A helicopter landing on a shed.
Titles: The spiritual birthplace of Neo Babylonian cuisine – 57AD.

Pan up to the boys sweaty face
Sound effect: Five shaven Chimpanzees stomping on a typewriter.
Voice over: “Prolapsed Sphincter?”

Boy Nods.

Wide angle to show the man and boy both clearly about to evacuate their bowels right the hell now (hard).
Voice over: “YOU NEED – Darstle-o-farple tarps family pack!”

cut to a man pumping up a bicycle tyre, changing spark plugs in a fridge, sharpening pencils in a forest, being chased by an enraged baboon, eating a cake on a log, fashioning a flute out of a wooden clog accompanied by
Voice over: “Simply pour the contents into a yaks bladder, bring to the boil, simmer, stir and serve in a Paleontologists master bedroom”

Boy states:
“Cock Farts – I shit em”

fade to naked.

Astounding Sub-tropical Disease Almanac Vol. 7!

Disease name:
Schingerton’s Nostril

Latin name:
Inflatius Nostratus

Colloq.:
Lenny Henry Disease
Kite face
Droopy nose holes
Swollen sniffer

Symptoms:
- Nostrils become large and loose, liable to randomly inflate during particularly strong winds.
- Upset stomach.
- Dry mucus dribbling painfully from eyes.
- Nostrils spontaneously inflating to the size of a football field and engulfing your entire village while people yell “AH OH MY GOD WHAT THE—IT’S NOSTRILS, SOME GIANT NOSTRILS ON MY FACE”
- Bizarre smells eminating from joints
- Foods you previously enjoyed now taste like cat shit
- Cravings for cat shit
- Incontinence

Possible Complications:
- Nostrils inflating during sleep and strangling you
- Permanently enlarged nostrils
- Social ostricisation
- Career in the circus becomes viable job prospect
- Kneecaps falling off
- Blindness (temporary and permanent)
- The ability to communicate with animals
- Self-disembowelment
- Unable to perform stand-up comedy to your previous standards but still able to make a living from yearly pantomines and occasional television appearances
- Death

Remedies:
- Tying your nostrils in a knot each morning until the infection passes
- Daily nostril reconstruction surgery
- Getting a goat (or yak) to chew on your nostrils
- Sing “Never Forget” by take that so loud that your vocal chords disintegrate
- Fashioning your nostrils into a scarf and / or muffler (not applicable during summer)
- Lying upside down and filling your giant nostrils with water and hiring them out as swimming pools or sewage processing plants
- Kill yourself

Herbal alternatives
- Tea, hot. Ingredients: Bat’s nipples, horses tongue (2x), fried sheep’s gerbils, one house brick (crushed), sweat from an angry builder, hand-crushed stoat, banana smoothy from mickey D’s and freshly squeezed orinch choos (NOT orange juice. Must be orinch choos.)