Archive for the 'A jizillion mega spurturtles' Category

Time Squad Police 4

Director:Paul Daniels
Writers:Ronaldo Hymelich / Jean Claude Van Damme
Genre: Thriller / Action / Sci-fi / Romance

Cast

Max Killhoof: Jean Claude Van Damme
Sinbad Tendril: Steven Seagal
Lt. Feltard Mandible: Chuck Norris
Senator Crandle: Timothy Dalton
Rajal spoontarp junior: Gary Coleman
Rajal spoontarp senior: James Earl Jones

filmed in Hilariovision 5.2

plot outline: In the future of 1997 time travel has become a reality for a select few. Senator Crandle hopes to rig the 1987 elections and become president of the USA before anyone else gets the idea. Special Time Squad Police constables Sinbad Tendril (Steven Seagal) and Leutenant Feltard Mandible (Chuck Norris) have to take down Senator Crandle without bumping into their former, trigger happy selves.

tag line: If at first you don’t succeed…go back in time again!

A ball of blue lightning eminates from behind a dustbin in a dark alley accompanied by a zorting sound, Leutenant Feltard Mandible slumped and naked on the floor reaches for a newspaper and says: “wow…1987, I … we made it.”
Sinbad Tendril (stepping through the time portal): “Yeah, but why are you naked?”
(scientists can be seen through the time portal laughing and pointing)
Feltard Mandible: “the scientists they told me that…oh brother!”

—————

Future Feltard Mandible shouting at 1980’s Feltard Mandible from behind an oil drum: “Give up dip shit you could seriously get hurt.”
1980’s Feltard Mandible crouching behind a Cadillac, reloading his Magnum: “Unlikely dic-head besides if your really me then what am i thinking right now?”
Future Feltard Mandible: “Thats not how it works MO-R-ON this is time travel not telapathy. Jeezus i was stupid.”

out of nowhere future Sinbad Tendril jumps out and kicks 1980’s Feltard Mandible in the knee snapping his leg at the shin.

Future and 1980’s Feltard Mandible simultaneously drop to the floor clutching their legs: “JEEEEEEEEEEEZUS!!!!!!!!”

—————

Sinbad Tendril siddling up to a poster of a chimpanzee in a dress with the words “The inner chimp book signing tonight!”
“Well theres no sign of Senator Crandle I think I’m gonna hit the hay…hows your leg by the way?”
Feltard Mandible: “You’re an idiot”
Sinbad Tendril: “Right, ya know I’m not that tired anymore I think I may just head into town meet ya back at the hotel later. Don’t do anything stupid”

—————

Lt. Feltard Mandible: “Ah fuck …we’ve fucked up time and space. This is exactly what those geeks were telling us not to do. SHIT!!!”

—————-

A monkey holding a clip board and wearing a lab coat: “Now Killhoof, we’re sending you back to fix what those idiots have done, I mean lets face it, it can’t possibly get any worse than this, we’re all monkeys for chris’ sake.”

Max Killhoof (Jean Claude Van Damme): “You can count on me doc…(stepping towards the time portal) and tell wendy I love her.”

cut to a monkey wearing a dress under a lab coat checking various computer read outs, scrawled on her name tag is the name Wendy…shes wearing a wedding ring.

—————-

Senator Crandle: “You see, I’m an ambitious Harvard-educated visionary who deserves to be the most powerful man in the world and you… you’re a fucking idiot who never figured out that the only way to make anything of himself with all that fancy kicking was on Broadway.”
Max Killhoof: “Thanks for clearing that up…prick.”

—————–

[as he kicks Senator Crandle in the brain]
Max Killhoof: “I’m still kicking. I must be on Broadway!”

—————–

Dukes of Dunkage! Trailer

We open on a close up of a golden basketball, maniacal laughter is clearly heard blasting out of the speakers making your skin vibrate. Zoom out to reveal Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) flying up into the air with the Robotic Harlem Globetrotters, flames protruding from his Golden ‘Nike air foshizlax’ trainers.

Clive Hoops (Chuck Norris) turns to camera and asks: “Can you fly a plane!?”
smiling with a look of dumb confidence Rodney (Dennis Rodman) replies: “…Like a Bird”
Clive Hoops: “What? that doesn’t make sense…birds can’t fly planes.”
Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins): “He’s get-ing a-way!”

“This September…” crunches into your ears making your pancreas swell.

Clive Hoops states (Chuck Norris): “Ain’t nobody gonna take my dreams or my golden balls away from me Sucka - Let it Rain!!” before turning to take a three pointer shot from half way down the basketball court. Close up of the ball dropping through the net on fire. Clive Hoops turns to camera, smiles to reveal a gold platted tooth with a diamond encrusted basketball on it and states “…white chocolate.” Rodney (Dennis Rodman) exclaims “holy shit craker that was-”

KABOOOM!!!!!!!! The basketball court explodes tearing a hole in the side of a mountain in the swiss alps causing macedonia, mesapotamia and argentina to prolaps convulse and then invertilate TWICE!

“Prepare to be dunked on…”

Cut to Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) with one arm outstretched holding a golden basketball with diamonds spelling out the words ’slam dunk da funk’ on it “You and the Dunkettes are about to loose your panties for the last time Clive!”
Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins) retorts “Do not come up in my face and be like ‘I am all that’ be-cause I am here to reprezent yo.”
backed up by Rodney (Dennis Rodman) “words bitch! f’sho nuthin but air there - WOO!”
at which point the Robotic Harlem Globe trotters grow an extra twelve inches as their red eyes burn brighter than ever before and start shooting lazers into the crowd surrounding the basketball court.

“Join Dennis Rodman and Chuck Norris in a stellar cast”

Cut to a muscular afro wearing robot slam dunking and sending plastic glass from a shattered backboard raining down on Sir Dunks a lot (Stephen Hawkins) who is crying. Cut to Clive hoops (Chuck Norris) standing on Rodney’s (Dennis Rodman) shoulders and missing a shot as Doctor Dunk (Wesley Snipes) sweeps Rodneys legs from under him causing Clive to land badly on Rodneys head, which slams into the floor making his teeth launch out his mouth followed by a shower of blood and a high pitched scream. Cut to Clive holding a bazooka with a basketball instead of a rocket, smoking a cigar. cut to Sir Dunks a lot crying. Back to Clive firing the bazooka at a small child who’s head explodes. Cut to Rodney being shoulder barged by a robotic harlem globe trotter impaling him on his spikey shoulder he stands and dribbles off with Rodney still stuck on his shoulder who is letting out another high pitched wail. Doctor Dunk and Clive Hoops Jump up into the air together to catch a rebound crushing Rodney between them who is already badly beaten, Clive treads on Sir Dunks a lots face as he looks up in awe.

The words “DUKES OF DUNKAGE!” Incinerate the screen burning the words into your retinas as your kidneys explode and your nose melts in, you shit all over the person next to you and their face melts as a fully grown guinea pig teleports right into the middle of your hemoglorax and also shits everywhere too. SHIT!

Fade to a diamond encrusted afro hurtling through space to the sound of Sir Dunks A lot (Steven Hawkins) Crying. FADE TO QUADRALANGULAR MAGENTA!

Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez (1986)

Directed by
Steven Seagal
James Earl Jones
The artist formerly known as Prince, then as just a squiggly line, now as Prince again under the pseudonym of Earl Nicholas Pilchard-Chip-Granblerzz

Writing credits
Steven Seagal (including soundtrack) and
Mick Jagger (characters)
Rupert Everett (Second Draft, all homosexual characters, animal noises)…
(more)

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / hip-hop Educational (more)

Tagline: These robotic bitchez does be dronin’!(more)

Plot Outline: On an abandoned mining facility in Neo-Saudi Arabia far in the future, a Hyper Dronez manufacturing plant is the setting for an all out war between Razzy Ladytron with his band of motley space-pirates, and the Hyper Dronez, hip-hip robots sent back from even further in the future to wreck some shit hardcore.

User Comments: “Futuristic Sci-fi action hip hop is the best genre EVEr.” (more)

“the director has a boner for chase scenes. Which is ok I GUESS” - Razorface

User Rating: 8.3/10 (86,364 votes) top 250: #70

Cast overview, first billed only:

Razzy Ladytron
Chazz Palminteri

Michael Jordan
Chargrill Charlie

Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson
Stephen Seagal

General Daglon Killshit
Corey Feldman (with large shoulder pads)

Grandal Tooflegart
Rupert Murdoch / Arnold Swarchenegger

Abraham Zarflog (Hyper Drone)
Mustapha P. Warsaw

Creshno Murderstank (Hyper Drone)
Leeroy J. Musketstab

Indian Yoga Expert
Rahjeen Parvel III (”Boopy”)

Person who turns up late for rollerskating event:
James Woods

Grandma Chickenscarfer
Drew Barrymore (in disguise)

Rotating Knives Man
Kurt Russel

Gorgonzola Beast-droid
Richard Dreyfuss

Resurrected Dinosaur-Bot “Chompy 2000″
Andy Peters

Also Known As:
Drone that Bitches Ass (USA) (working title)
Murderous Robots II (USA) (working title)
Der Mekanikz Ein Shooting (GRM)

MPAA: Rated R for robotic violence, lethal hip hop moves and razor sharp facial hair including colourful language and gratuitous depictions of robots being molested by goats and/or pencil sharpeners. (1992 special edition)
Runtime: 178 min / USA:154 min (director’s cut)
Country: USA / UK / Sizzling Fleshland

Language: English, Ebonics, Marsian, Various squelches and rubbing noises, gutteral wailing, soul poetry

Trivia:

  • The Hyper Drones were built from scratch every day out of used clown wigs and melted sassafrazz (freshly squeezed)
  • The moves used in the dance off in the final scene were developed by an actual hip hop robot that the cast and crew nicknamed “Clanky Jeffrey” on account of the mechanical noises he made when dancing, making love, or just not doing anything at all. It should be noted that the hip hop robot was slightly rusted and smelled of burning cheese.
  • In between the first chase scene, where the Hyper Dronez are chasing General Killshit (in hovercars) from the Maximum Security Prison to the Alien Cantina, and the seventh chase scene where General Killshit’s bio-genetically engineered Super Llama Android on a hoverbike is chasing Rotating Knives Man (on a hoverboard) from the HyperBall Stadium to the Interplanetary Spaceport, there was initally to be a non-chase-scene scene involving many of the characters doing everyday activities such as rollerblading, shopping, replacing solar powered roof tiles, raising livestock and heabutting each other. However this scene was dropped in favour of another chase scene because it was deemed “too un-chase-scene-like” to be included, and the director though that it needed “more of a chase-scene feeling”. As a result, all non-chase-scene scenes were replaced with chase scenes except for the scenes where characters are a)fighting b)arguing or c)stomping on each other’s necks or faces really, really hard (as these were deemed by the director to be “close enough in feeling to a chase-scene scene to be included alongside the other chase scenes.”). In this case, the non-chase-scene scene was replaced with a chase scene depicting Lazerstaxxx Ronson on a hoverbicycle chasing General Killshit (on a hover-disc) AND the Hyper Dronez (levitating) from the Bio-Domes in sector 4 to the Chemical Android Processing Factory of Hyper-Power. Twice.
  • Director’s Trademark: Robotic lead characters perform long soliloquys while other cast members stay frozen in one place
  • Actor’s Trademark: Steven Seagal employing at least three different ethnic dialects ranging from black to hispanic to mexican to native american, including a mixture of all four.
  • Director’s Trademark: Close ups of twin suns setting while soft synth music plays hard in the background, followed by a bucket of blood splashing onto the screen.
  • When both teams are warming up for the Death-blood Bowl Cup competition, Corey Feldman can be seen in the background pulling his trousers down and waving his buttocks in Steven Seagal’s face. This was not in the script. Seagal, attempting to stay in character as “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson, took out his hyper-blaster and shot Feldman, causing his buttocks to melt off. Just before the scene cuts you can see a stray dog coming to sniff the remains of Feldman, and Seagal high-fiving with Arnold Swarchenegger.
  • Directors trademark: Animals being set on fire while country rock music plays.
  • Directors trademark: Long, drawn out barbecue scenes which inevitably end up with characters accidentally roasting, and dining on, their own limbs.
  • Directors trademark: Opening sequence involves hidden camera footage of one or more crew members taking huge dumps
  • The artificial leg that Grandma Chickenscarfer uses to ultimately defeat Gorgonzola Beast-droid was made entirely out of frozen blood. It sold on Ebay for $15 and recieved the comment “SPEEDY DELIVERY BUT BLOOD WAS MELTED :-( wuold not buy from seller again…..”
  • Actors Trademark: James Woods tearing off his shirt and screaming during a president or political figure’s campaign speech
  • Directors Trademark: Climax of movie is filmed in sausage-making factory (see “Revenge of Blood Death 12″ and “Escape back to Return of Monkey Mountain 3″)
  • Director’s trademark: Human feet replaced by hoofs during chase scenes
  • Director’s trademark: Young children operating heavy lifting equipment (cranes, diggers etc.) and listening to gangsta rap
  • Actors trademark: Richard Dreyfuss getting a killboner during his death scene
  • Actor’s trademark: Drew Barrymore dining on the skulls of those who oppose her

Goofs:

  • Revealing mistakes: When the Hyper Dronez say the magic words (”POWER TO COMBINE MAGICALLY FOR ADVANCED MECHANICAL ROBOT DESTRUCTION”) and high five and begin transforming, you can clearly see the wires holding their arms up in the air while somebody else (most likely a crew member) tucks there shirts into their pants and says “there there, there there, mummy will be here soon. Shh. Shh.”
  • Incorrectly regarded as goofs: The first fifteen minutes of the film is footage of Susan McTillgrit (second unit director) in the toilet with a bad case of diarrheoa. (See director’s trademark above)
  • Steven Seagal’s pacemaker sets off the fire alarm during the penultimate chase scene, dousing cast and crew in water. Filming continued as nobody wanted to draw attention to the weakness of such a strong, commanding figure.
  • James Woods character occasionally played by a worm
  • During the beach barbecue scene, James Woods can be seen eating a leg of ham. As the camera cuts between him and Razzy Ladytron, the ham in his hand changes into a half-melted accordion for a brief moment.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Razzy Ladytron (sweeping his arm out in front of him): Look, Space Pirates. Look. A fresh city for us to plunder.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: Excellent. I love plundering.
Grandal Tooflegart (squinting into the distance): Are those… Hyper Dronez?
Razzy Ladytron: What? Don’t be ridiculous. There hasn’t been any Hyper Dronez in all the galaxy since the year five million twelve.
Grandma Chickenscarfer: They kind of look like Hyper Dronez to me, boss. Crunching ones at that.
Razzy Ladytron: Shit.
Gorgonzola Beast-droid: Does this mean there won’t be any plundering?

——————————

Rotating Knives Man: Listen, pal. I risked my neck to give you this information, so the least you could do is sharpen my rotating knives.
Creshno Murderstank (tapping his robotic finger on a table): Don’t get me wrong, Rotating Knives Man. We Crunchin’ Hyper Dronez appreciate your… generosity. But I will not sharpen your blades, for fear of you turning against us and cutting us.
Rotating Knives Man (sweating blood):
Damn. DAMN YOU ALL, CURSED MACHINES! Can you at least give me some oil?
Creshno Murderstank: No.
——————————

Michael Jordan: Looks like it’s just us against the hordes of Hyper Dronez.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson:
Yeah. Just the way I like it. Bring it on, you tin-covered bastards!
General Daglon Killshit:
You say that now, but I guarantee you’re gonna be crying like a little baby when those Hyper Dronez start busting moves on your ass. You ain’t never seen hip hop shapes like these.
Pete “Lazerstaxxx” Ronson (opening his jacket to reveal a sparkling cube): We’ll see, General. We’ll see.
General Daglon Killshit (shocked): Oh my… oh my god. Is that… is that the Zarflax Cube?
Michael Jordan: Maybe we do have a chance…
(the characters high five and stand up)

(more)

Awards: Won 17 Oscars, including “Best Hip Hop Educational Crossover”, “Best Gun Noises During Underwater Scene”, “Most Uses of the word ‘Hyper’ in a Minute”, “Longest End Credits”, and “Most Awesomest Script”. Another 15 wins & 21 nominations (more)

FAQ:
- If the Hyper Dronez run on Solar Power, how come they choose to mount their final attack at night?
- If General Killshit was really a Hyper Drone in disguise, how come his legs fall off in the last seconds of the movie? (more)

Hollywood Sasquatch 3

Directed by: Colonel Gadafi
Writing credits: Pierre Jean Luke Picard Jr.
Dolph Lundgren (novel)

Genre: Action / Crime / Romance (more)

Tagline: The movie business is a jungle!
Plot Outline: The Hollywood Sasquatch (Van Damme) returns from the Australian Outback to the Sunset Strip, where he must take down a drug ring led by the flamboyant Ronaldo Flamingo. This time, he’s joined by Huey Lewis, a cross-dressing sassy prostitute with a bazooka for a leg! … (more) (view trailer)

User Comments: greatest sequel involving a Sasquatch ever! Big Foot and the Hendersons can suck my… (more)

User Rating: five out of five acorns 6.`/10 (4,816 votes)

Credited cast:

Jean Claude Van Damme …. Bryce Carmicheal / Captain Sasquatch
Cindy Lauper …. Huey Lewis / Howey Louise
Burt Baccarac …. Ronaldo Flamingo
Danny Glover …. Leutenant Sasquatch
Shaquel O Neill …. Sinbad
Lopez Cortega …. Puerto Rican bad guy no.7 .
Danny De Vito …. Captain Sasquatch Jr.

(more)

Also Known As: Crocodile Dundee 8 (UK) Sassy The Sasquatch and His Bonerific Friends (IRE)

Runtime: USA: 110 min

Country: USA

Language: English

Color: Color (sasovision)


Memorable Quotes:

…….

Bryce Carmicheal: Your really making me sassy, Flamingo. You wont like me when I’m sasquatchy!
Ronaldo Flamingo: Dont be a baby Bryce, or should I say Mr…Captain Sasquatch?
Bryce Carmicheal: Scumbag! Jungle friends unite! I’m going to roger you so badly Flamingo, I’m going to send you back to Columbia with an asshole like a clowns pocket!

…….

Bryce Carmicheal: Dont worry kids, me and my Jungle buddies are gonna give these guys a wizards sleeve like you wouldn’t believe.
Huey Lewis / Howey Louise: Jeezus.

…….


Leutenant Sasquatch:
I bestow you with all the powers of the Sasquatch, use them wisely and only for good.
Huey Lewis / Howey Louise: Pffft what a crock of shit.
Captain Sasquatch Jr.:
Hey! Can it wench! Im gonna get my Dad to harpoon you with a Rhino.
Bryce Carmicheal: What… an… Honour…

…….

Detective Zinglewang lives and breathes

Detective Zinglewang steps into the cool Parisian morning air and out into a busling city street. He treads right into a pile of poop, looks down at his foot raising it as his moustache sets on fire. This is not Zinglewangs first day, but he’s pretty much off to a bad start. He lets out a yelp and stumbles backwards in the passing crowds of people groping a large French womans breast. Its her turn to let out a yelp, which she does, then punches Zinglewang’s nostril flames out.
Several minutes later Zinglewang awakens from a dream about riding a giant snail off the edge of the grand canyon in slow motion chased by tiny American Indians to the sound of falling rain. The smell soon confirms that this notion is wrong and reaffirms the idea that he is probably being peed on. He looks up from the pavement just in time to see a tramp mumbling in broken french and pulling his tackle back into his soiled underpants.
Zinglewang disgustedly picks himself up off the floor, the bearded tramp holds out his hand as if asking for a tip , which Zinglewang promptly spits into. He turns to walk away but slips on the turd he trod in earlier, landing “upside his headbonez” as they say in Messapotamia.

Zinglewang knows he needs to get to the Museum of Modern Shart located at 123 Central Paris Boulevard to start working on his latest case: “The case of the mysterious disappearing valuable stuff from within a seemingly well-defended place.”  He hails a horse and carriage by putting his fingers up his nose and farting loudly. This causes one eye to temporarily bulge out quite far and go a bit red, but not to worry. A horse and carriage pull up next to him. Zinglewang checks the integrity of the horses by kicking each one of them in the shins. Satisfied, he tells the driver “That’s four lovely ram chaps you’ve got there, shit face. Now fuck off.” He puncuates the word “Off” by headbutting the driver in the ear.

It’s a lovely day so Zinglewang decides to walk to the Museum and mull over the points of the case in his head.

Here’s what he knows so far.

1) The valuable stuff was locked up behind fourteen feet of the finest cardboard.
2) The locks were made from the hardest cheese known to man. (”Glengorn Valley Extra-Chunky  Stilton/Cheddar hybrid”)
3) Just before the valuable stuff was stolen, patrons of the museum complained of a “strong smell… kind of like when you accidentally fry your cat instead of some mincemeat.”
4) Huberte Mardeleflange, world famous art thief and ninja guy, took out a full page advertisement in the Paris Daily News a day before the robbery stating “DEAR DETECTIVEs, JE SUIS GOING TO STEAL LE VALUABLE STUFF FROM ZE MUSEUM TOMORROW, OK? YOU CAN CONTACT ME AT 554 PEPPY LE PUE STREET AU REVOIR! XXXX ” along with a colour photo and a scratch and sniff patch of his own personal odour.

This was going to be a tough case. Possibly tougher than the case of the “Mysterious Death of 100 year old man whilst Parachuting from the Eiffel Tower during the great parachute drought of 1237″.

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