Subliminal Criminals

Directed by
John McTiernan (Predator)
with
Brian Blessed (Fat guy with a beard)

Writing credits
Agatha Christie
Moomin Clown-brak
Billy “Supermachine” Freakinkins

Produced By
Morgan Freeman (posing as a dog)

Genre: Action / Adventure / Time-travelling / Dinosaurs / Love story / Romantic Horror Slasher / Swimming pools / Gnarly (more)

Tagline: This little dinosaur has survived extinction… but can he survive HIGH SCHOOL?? (more)

Plot Outline (supplied by Din0-Fan-2000): Two totally gnarly dudes, COREY and BRAINER, are taking their annual skiing trip to Mount McHighfrost with their family. One day, out causing mischeif, they come across an old abandoned ice cave. They venture inside, while some tinkly piano music and soft synth layers echo around. Suddenly they come across a giant block of ice. It contains a real live dinosaur who is totally frozen up!! Then a storm comes and totally blocks the entrance of the cave and it gets all dark and cold and pretty scary (I know I was scared, anytway!!!) The two young bucks decide to make a fire but they foolishly didn’t realise that the fire would melt the ice!> (of cours!!!) So they fall asleep with the fire on in between them. Unbeknownst to them as they fall asleep, the fire starts melting the block of ice. at this point you get pretty darn pumped as the melted ice reveals the dinosaur bit by bit… first just its nostrils and it breathes in and out loudly. Then it thaws down to the mouth and a tongue comes out and some saliva dribble,s and it makes a kind of weak braying sound like a baby donkey. Naturally the dinosaour has been asleep for about a million years or whatever so it is pretty hungry and weak. Suddenly the ice thors out realy slowly and then reveals its arms which scratch around the place constantly. Then before you realise it the whole dinosaur has be revealed!! and it walks over to the boys and starts licking them and kicking them but not too hard. Then they wake up and they are like WOAAAHH!! but they high five each other and hten they try to high five the dinosaur. At first of course it doesn’t know how to do it (duh, its a dinosaur!!) but eventually it gets the hang of it so they do some high fives and then they roast marshamallows on the fire and say “Awesome!” in unison. Luckily the boys had a creepy disabled brother that they carry around in a backpack. They feed it scraps of meat. Then they look at each other and nod and wink and say “Are you thinking what I’m thinking buddy?” and then they strip the brother of all his clothes and throw him off a cliff and give the clothes to the dinosaur including an awesome cap. They put it on the dinosaur and then the dinosaur turns it around backwards!! They look at each other, then at the dinosaur, then they say “RADICAL!” And high five pretty hard. The dinosaur kind of says “HORHOM” with some hooting or howling sounds, so they decide to call it “Grunter.”

Together, Grunter, Corey and Brainer embark on their biggest adventure yet… HIGH SCHOOL!

The scene is set for utmost hilarity and pure fascination. Will Grunter get invited to the prom by Suzy Yvette, the most beautiful girl in school? Will the skeptical Principal Darkpump figure the hell out that the new boy Grunter is not all that he seems? And how will Brian Belcher, the school bully, react when Corey and Brainer’s new friend Grunter (the dinosaur!) is there to protect them?!

(You can find out the answers to all these questions and more by watching the movie!!)

Dino-fan-2000 xxxx

User Comments:
“Pure fucking shit. I’d rather be inhaling stinging nettles through my armpits than watching this unbearable drivel. I actually cried with hatred.” - BigPuff1900

“Like DEnver the Last Dinosaur, only much, much gayer.” - Morton Bilkranz

“How does the principle not realise that Grunter is a dinosaur when the fucking thing has a huge tail and takes a huge, steaming dump in his office when he is trying to tell him off for skipping detention? ” Frazzmatazz

“I don’t think having the dinosaur flip out and eat the two main characters during the final swimming competition scene was a good ending to the movie. At all.”

User Rating: 2.77/10 (7 votes)

Cast overview

Corey Jenkins
Corey Feldman

Billy “Brainer” Braithwate
Fred Savage

Grunter the Dinosaur (Voice)
Pat from Eastenders

Suzy Yvette
Mr T

Principal Darkpump
Richard Dreyfuss

Brian Belcher
Steven Seagal

Mr. Grillchild (PE Instructor)
Brian Blessed

Ralton (post sex change)
Jonothan Parkwitch

Muhammed Al Shalbreek
Raidengator “Numbers” McGee

Rotting potatoe that falls on Darkpump’s head in the exorcism scene
Dorian Krinkenhaver

Corrupt Policeman 12
Slasencourt Marlenbone the Second

Rahuna, Snake Goddess of Agablarn
Ruudy O’Zoltran (TRAZZ!)

Also Known As:
Einer Dino-kinder ert ein FUCK (Germany) (working title)
What, A Dinosaur?! (MLDV) (working title)
Est una dinosora in me escolao! (SPN)
Prtzk faakt Strookztn Tyranno Danzer! (PLND)

MPAA: Rated 18 for repetitive and motion-sickness inducing scenes involving violence against hunks of turf dug up from a smelly old vegetable garden, and horses smoking cigars and talking with american accents possibly whilst wearing visors and playing cards.

Runtime: 98 min / Czeck Republic : -0.56 min (extended edition)
Country: USA, Mountains, That place next to India… what is it… France.

Language: American, howling, Post-industrial Kuwaiti Pidgin, Crunch crunch

Trivia:

• Agatha Christie and John Mctiernan despised each other so much they often resorted to slashing each other in the face with knives. In fact there are not one, not three, but eight scenes during which key points of dialogue are drowned out by the sound of arguements and faces being slashed hard.
• Grunter the Dinosaur was not a real dinosaur, but a complicated system of corpses, ropes, pulleys, and the contents of an underdeveloped, diabetic giraffe’s stomach sac.
• Corey Feldman’s cocaine habit was so strong during filming that it eventually had to be written into the script. Notable scenes include him snorting a line from Principal Darkpump’s dandruff-crusted centre parting, doing a line the size of an average human’s leg whilst swinging from the roof of an ambulance, and an entirely improvised scene where various crew members stand around crying whilst Feldman twitches on the floor covered in white powder mumbling something about the fucking lights of Nebraska not paying their looney gates on time again, fuckshit.
• Actor’s Trademark: Brian Blessed eating a live goat
• Director’s Trademark: Sustained bursts of heavy machine gun fire in slow motion to the sound of fingernails being wiped down a chalkboard (or a marmoset trying to cough up a hairball)
• The hand that Fred Savage uses to pat Grunter’s back whilst consoling him after SuzyYvette has turned him down for the prom is actually an old ham fashioned into a vaguely hand-like shape. If you look closely you can see that there are only four fingers, and stink lines emanating from the top.
• Directors trademark: Shoes having a life of their own when their owners have gone to sleep.
• Directors trademark: Fast motion clips of farmers drop-kicking chickens into swimming pools filled with blood and cheese to the sound of somebody eating a hornet.
• Actors trademark: Raidengator “Numbers” McGee wearing sunglasses on his bottom.
• Raidengator “Numbers” McGee was declared clinically insane after filming wrapped. He had spent most of the shoot trying to eat his trailer and attempting to crap in sleeping crew members ears or mouths.
• The baby cart that Ruudy O’Zoltran tries to sell to Fred Savage during the shootout scene (and which subsequently spontaneously combusted during filming) was a real baby cart and had Brian Blessed’s baby in it. Blessed was quoted as saying “Drat it all, I was going to eat that.”

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: In the eating competition, Fred Savage’s brain can be seen each time he opens his mouth. Also a trumpeting noise sounds whenever he blinks.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Many critics of the movie claim that a dinosaur could not successfully disguise himself as a student for a second, let alone an entire term. These critics however fail to realise that this was the eighties, which gave us flying time machines, half robot half human but all-cops, hover boards, wraparound shades, and awesome.
• Continuity: In the opening scene, Fred Savage’s father is decapitated by a dustbin lid flying across the screen. Blood splashes against the entire cast and the camera zooms in on his gurgling corpse. However in the very next scene, at the Battle of the Bands in the High School, Savage’s father appears not only as himself but as the drummer for “Mounting Confusion” and the (female) singer of “Frustrated Period Glass-ripperz”
• Due to a mixup with the scripts, characters often perform each other’s lines instead of their own. This is most noticeable in the scenes where the character of the dinosaur talks about himself in the third person with an Austrian accent.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Corey Jenkins: Man, I fucking love skiing so bad.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Tell me about it, dude. Fuck, high five my ass.
Corey Jenkins: Hey man… do you see that shit? It’s like a fucking mountain or something.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Bodacious!
Corey Jenkins: Do you want to touch my pee pee?
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: So bad.

——————————

Grunter the Dinosaur (snarling and howling and wearing a large coat. Clearly Fred Savage has stashed himself inside the coat and is talking instead of Grunter.) Hey, um, Suzy. You are like totally hot. So do you wanna go to the prom with me?
Suzy Yvette (twirling gum around her finger): Do you think Chip Strongchin will want to go to the dance with me?
Grunter the Dinosaur (nervous): What, that meathead? Ho ho ho. He’s just a meathead. Not good enough for you. (under his breath My sweet, sweet angel.
Suzy Yvette: Yeah, but Yvonne said his dick tastes like candy.
Grunter the Dinosaur (sighing): I wish my dick tasted like candy.
Brian Belcher (suddenly appearing from the boys toilets): What the fuck did you say you fucking freak?
Grunter the Dinosaur (panicking): Look! A spaceship!

——————————

Principle Darkpump: What have you got to say for yourself, Corey?
Corey Jenkins says nothing and kicks the floor.
Principle Darkpump: What did you and that new boy, Grunter, need from the science storage room, anyway?
(Camera zooms in on Jenkins head and an echoing voiceoever sounds If only he knew… I needed some formaldehyde to keep Grunter’s skin from falling off due to the effects of being frozen in time!
Principle Darkpump: So, the silent treatment, eh. I have just the thing for silent boys. (Principle Darkpump unzips his trousers and sits on the arm of Jenkins’ chair.)
(Zoom in, off-screen voiceover again Time to take one for the team, Corey my boy.

——————————

Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Hey mom, this is my new friend, urr…. Grunter. He’s not a dinosaur or anything.
Mom (playing an N.E.S.): Are you sure? He kind of looks like a dinosaur. I mean he is scaly and has a tail and…
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Goddamit mom you son of a bitch, why do you have to be so hard on me? Is it because Dad left you and you are nothing but a stupid  old witch?
Mom: Did you pick up my beef jerky from the grocery store?
(Grunter hoots and kicks over a vase which smashes on the floor.)
Mom: Nice doggy.

Start with a closeup of a pig eating from a trough. Hard rock music plays hard. Quick zoom in on the pig food, then zoom out up to the stars as a guitar / drum solo wails hard. The pig can be heard squealing a little. A cutout of Patrick Swayze appears in the corner of the screen and begins singing the theme song, “When you can catch upon a lucky star”. He grunts out the words in his husky voice:

“When you can catch upon a lucky star,
You know just where I’ll be.
When you need somebody to hug, yeah baby
That’s where I’ll be.”

Slow fade in from black to the sound of an incredibly tall man headbutting a jar of marmalade played slow motion and in reverse. The scene is a college american football game. People are cheering and drinking beers and hot dogs in slow motion. It is night. The two teams, the Mougenbrockern Raiders and the Toollahassee Sequins, are tied 156 to 156 in the 7th quarter. PatrickSwayze fades off screen but you can still hear the theme tune.

“You gotta reach deep down inside yourself,
And find your inner American soul,
Like the pilgrims did all those years ago,
And then you never let me go”

The word “Go” drags out really long and some synth noises followed by a hard, driving snare beat zork into the speakers at brain-jellifying volumes. Patrick swayze flashes onto the screen for half a second, his eyes closed, hair large and permed, with his fist clenched in front of his breast. He falls to his knees and fades away. The singing continues as the camera zooms in on:
CHIP LEZNAR played by Chuck Norris. Despite playing a college football player, he has a full grown beard and a thousand-yard stare that could kill a bear from 15 miles away. He smirks and throws the football which slams into another players skull causing his legs to blast off his body in different directions and his face to melt. Another player pulls off his mask and the camera zooms in on his face. Freeze frame and it’s Steven Seagal playing MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD. “My inheritance is bigger than yours, assface,” says Seagal. Two huge football players come to tackle him and he sidesteps, grabs one by the ear and the other by the kneecap, steps, twists, shoves and the players land in a heap next to them with their limbs rearranged and their hair on backwards. Seagal and Norris slam their helmets back on their heads so hard that they sink about 10cm into the turf and say in unison “It’s game time. Let’s get it on!”

Quick montage of the rest of the game with Patrick Swayze superimposed in glowing white in the corner of the screen, still singing. Seagal slams into a random player in slow motion who does a backflip before splitting apart like a ripe banana.

“When you think you can’t go on no more,”

Cut to a close up of Norris grinning behind his faceplate. Then zoom out to see that he is standing on a huge pile of dead bodies wearing football uniforms and tossing a ball up in the air. “Come and get it lard-ass,” he says.

“I don’t wanna hear that goddam crap. Suck it up and remember…”

Split screen showing Seagal running towards Norris. Bodies are flying everywhere like ragdolls and random buckets of blood are splashing against the screen and/or your face.

“You got to wish upon your lucky star…”

The two athletes approach each other and the camera zooms out to show the night sky where a shooting star flies across the screen accompanied by the sound of a tramp throwing a cat in the bin.

“And baby that’s where I’ll be…”

Cut to the after party in some big rich slob’s mansion. Seagal and Norris are sipping champagne and flirting with hot babes whilst glaring at each other murderously across the room. Their glare is so intense that one guy accidentally walks in between them when they were staring at each other and promptly a red line appears across his body, then his chest, head and arms slide off and fall to the floor and a fountain of blood and guts sprays out of his decapitated body, showering party-goers in ropy gore which is awesome. Norris and Seagal continue staring at each other throught the fountain of blood. A close up of the blood, combined with a soft-focus split screen shot of Seagal and Norris’s face and the sound of a carpenter bashing a terrapin against a wooden fence, will give the audience the strong feeling of some kind of high-level symbology with a hidden deeper meaning going on. CHIP LEZNAR’s best friend TRIPP MCWILLIAMS says “Hey man are we gonna win the state championships or what? And when are you gonna bone MELISSA CHOAD-HEART. She wants your cock.”

CHIP LEZNAR (Norris) grins and sidekicks a random party-goer so hard he explodes like a watermelon that has been put in the microwave. “That bitch is mine,” he says, extra-loud, still staring sideways at MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD (Seagal.) MARCUS hears this and freaks out, crushing his glass in his hand which explodes and then rubbing the shards of glass in some chick’s face. He stands up and the music stops with that KKKKEEESRCH sound that happens when the needle is suddenly pulled off a record. Partygoers pause midsentence and stare at Seagal and Norris, who are breathing so hard that their nostril hairs are blowing out about 10cm from their face and then inverting and going down their throat pretty hard. Somebody says to Seagal “Chill out dude, have a cocktai—” but he gets cut off mid sentence as Seagal knife-hands him in the throat (still looking only at Chuck Norris) causing his head to fall off and then a dog walks in the patio doors and sniffs the head, then takes a wizz on the head, then howls. Somebody pats Chuck Norris on the shoulder and says “I think you shoul—” but gets cut off as Norris’s foot swivels round at an unnatural angle and zooms up underneath his chin, kicking him hard in the face, then in the ear, lastly in the neck twice causing the guy to vomit and then die.

Freeze frame on this scene of utmost tension. PAtrick Swayze appears breifly wearing diapers and sucking his thumb.

“LUCKY STAR 2” Slams into the screen to the sound of a hampster sitting on a chair being thrown through a window. “HAPPY GO LUCKY” appears underneath as if being spray painted on with a green aerosol can. Screen fades to black and a cutout of Patrick Swayze walks on done on a really bad bluescreen with a thick white outline. He looks at the camera and makes two guns out of his hands, pretends to shoot the camera, then blows imaginary smoke from the ends of his fingers. Freeze frame on him then a shooting star flies across the scene with a noise like a firework.

DIRECTED BY HUMBERT CHOO-KRANTZ headbutts the screen so hard your willy shrivels up and your balls burst.

YESS!!! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

For those of you who have been waiting to see the new comedy duo of the 80s strut their stuff, THIS IS IT.

Prepare to be so pumped you don’t even know where you left your car keys or even if you have a fucking car! FUCKshit!

“I didn’t wanna resort to violence…”

I love you Steven.

Crank your speakers the fuck up and warn your relatives that you may be about to go crazy apeshit bonkers on account of being too pumped to even speak or breathe or order pizza. GAH!

Fade up from black to show a snowy mountain in the cold light of dawn. A lonely train track winds through the white snow.
Voiceover:
“When they decided to hold the Olympics in a remote mountain in Northern Canada, they didn’t realise they were about to get more than they bargained for.”
Quick close up of the trains wheels spinning really fast and then a close up of the train’s chimney with a loud “CHOO CHOO” sound, then back to a quiet long shot of the train winding through the mountains.
Voicever:
“They didn’t count on the fact that some people hate freedom, and hate the people that live free.”
Cut to inside the train. Various Olympic athletes sit playing cards, eating soup, or headbutting each other quite hard. The scenery flies past outside the window. Somebody farts really loud and then gets sucked out of an open window.
Some athletes wearing Russian tracksuits are glaring at other athletes wearing american flag tracksuits.
“As the temperature plummets, tension rises in the cabin.”
Cut to a shot of a russian athlete and an american one arguing. the camera zooms in on the russian athlete with a KCHUNG sound. freezeframe and the text:
“STARRING DAVID HASSLEHOFF AS SERGY KALASHNIKOV” smashes onto the screen
unfreeze frame and then: sergy: “You stupid americans! Always having the bigshot and playing your cheat at the cards!”
camera zooms out then back in on the american athlete. freezeframe with the sound of a pigeon being shot and the words:
“STARRING MICHAEL J FOX AS CHIP BRADLEY” slam into the screen four times HARD.
chip bradley: “Screw you ya commie bastard. Fair’s fair and if you can’t take that then you don’t deserve to even breathe the same air as an American!”
Cut to a shot of the two groups staring at each other and stamping their feet on the cabin floor. Other, smaller countries whimper and back away slowly. Cut to a shot of the train rattling too fast and unsteady on the track. Long zoom out to the sound of a horse chewing a wet pair of jeans to reveal that the train track about a kilometer ahead is broken and dangles off the edge of a cliff.
“What they needed was miracle. What they needed was…”
Camera slowly pans down the train corridor to the pantry. The sound of someone whistling and chopping vegetables can be heard. Quick cut to a mega close up of a knife slicing through onions, then peppers, then someones finger accompanied by a scream, really fast. Cut back to the slow zoom along the train corridor. Cut to a shot of someone’s wide back wearing a chef’s outfit. Pan up to reveal a black, shiny ponytail under a bandana. Cut to more vegetables being chopped up, this time superfast.

“Livin on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi starts chunking out of the speakers HARD. Cut to a close up of the chef. Freeze frame on STEVEN SEAGAL’S FACE and the words: “Starring Steven Seagal as Chef Randall Morlock” just as “livin on a prayer” really starts getting going. Seagal suddenly stops whistling and looks at the camera. His left ear twitches and the audience can clearly hear the sounds of high-caliber athletes slapping each other on the face and headbutting shins. Seagal cracks a grin and then winks. Your internal organs begin vibrating as you realise that a montage is coming up and just as Bon Jovi starts wailing “WOAHAH WE’RE HALF WAY THERE, WOWOWOWWWAAAAAAOH LIVIN ON A PRAYER” we cut to a montage showing the following: steven seagal running the entire length of the train in 1.3 seconds and shoulder barging a woman in the back who flies into another customer who spills scolding hot fondue all over his neck and screams then seagal backflips into the toilet and rips a hole in the floor revealing the train tracks flying past underneath for no reason at all. cut to a shot of david hasslehoff ripping off his tracksuit and handing it to his assistant without looking. the audience however can see that he has just handed his tracksuit to steven seagal, who is staring at the side of hasslehoffs neck HARD. hasslehoff, still not looking, touches seagals arms, then neck, before rubbing his face and prodding him in the eye a little. he says “Yuri? Is that you?” Cut to seagal kicking a chair so that it flies up in the air then punching it so that it flies into the side of Hasslehoffs neck (which breaks). Then Michael J Fox goes to high five seagal but seagal sidekicks him in the ribs, causing him to basically rip in half at the waist and fall to the ground. Seagal then squats down and jumps up, smashing a hole in the ceiling, simultanously flinging poison darts at a bunch of bionic cyber-monkeys that the Ukrainians had smuggled with the intention of ruining the 1986 Winter Olympics. Cut to a shot of Seagal standing on two donkeys roped to the top of the train with their tongues hanging out really, really far so that it looks almost unreal, and a quick zoom out to reveal the train still going really fast towards the broken track at the end of the line. Some quick cuts showing a man attempting to eat honey spare ribs with a spoon, sweden on fire, most of berlin underwater, a cheese-eating contest in spain and seven micro-organisms voting on their favourite aftershave followed by stock footage of nuclear explosions.
Voiceover: “This fall, there’s only one man crazy enough to buy a return ticket on… ” and then the title slams in to the screen five times with the noise of an elephant being dropped into a swimming pool filled with jam “OLYMPIC DEATH TRAIN”
RATED “R”
“A STEVEN SEAGAL PRODUCTION” gets smeared onto the screen with pink lipstick accompanied by a harpsichord. Fade to burlap.

By Sheena Tarstank, Staff Reporter

STARS BRIGHTEN LOS ANGELES NIGHT

Los Angeles was melting under the hot summer sun this past Wednesday. But the heat was turned up even more, as if it were night-time (if that’s even possible) by the Hollywood “stars”, out en masse for the premiere of Steven Seagal’s new action movie, Hard Slammin Karate Breakers. These “stars” temporarily swooped down to earth, dressed to the nines in sequins, shoulder pads and sexy suits, and wowed audiences. By walking along the red carpet towards the premiere of the movie.

If it was “stars” on the red carpet, then there was certainly a supernova of action happening at the premiere. Seagal rolled up in his customary 1957 modified Chevrolet Stretch Convertible Hovercraft, causing quite a stir with the local traffic cops. One of the cops was last seen tapping on the window of Seagal’s vehicle and asking to see his license and registration. What happened next is anyone’s guess but by all accounts, the window opened just a fraction, then the cop was sucked inside like a piece of wet spaghetti. There were some gurgling and breaking noises and then the window on the other side opened up and a shoe fell to the sidewalk. The nerve of these cops, trying to show up stars at their own premieres. Fucking shitheels.

Seagal arrived with his usual entourage in tow, offering plenty of opportunity for the paparazzi “hounds” to “wolf up” some “pictures.” There was that chick from Weird Science with the funny accent, Sylvester Stallonegger (who was carrying Danny de Vito in a small leather handbag), Jules the talking horse, Chief-runs-with-scissors and his daughter, Krystal, as well as the fourteen white llamas that Seagal has taken to bringing along with him everywhere.

Seagal stunned the fashionistas on the red carpet with his outfit: combining cowboy boots with knee-pads and hot pants, with an american-indian cowskin poncho, fur hand warmers and a ten gallon hat, Seagal looked magnificent. Truly magnificent.

The film itself was an absolute masterpiece, a perfectly crafted piece of cinema history that allowed Lord Seagal to shine in all his glory. Long live the lord and master and may he long lord over us all, in a master-like way.

Amen.