Hackerzoids – Trailer

We open up on a shot of someone’s sweating face. Everything is dark except their face which is lit up by a computer screen. They are breathing heavily. There is low, pulsating synth music in the background being played by a cat smoking a cigarette which totally gets you pumped/nervous/aroused. A hand comes up to wipe the sweat from his face, then another hand, then a gorilla’s hand, then a spoon. Wipe, wipe, wipe. This is awesome. A cheeky little snyth snare starts stomping slowly in the background. Cut to a shot of someone climbing a ladder in Lithuania who shits himself hard, then cries out in pain. Back to the dark room and then to an 80s looking keyboard with a finger hovering over it. Full facial now and the screen freezes. The words “COREY FELDMAN as HACKERJACK” slams into the screen so hard your nipples spin around and around spraying milk all over the inside of your tshirt, I think. Unfreezeframe.

Voiceover begins: “I’m a hacker. A computer hacker. It’s what I do.”

The finger moves over the “enter” key, then the “caps lock” key, then a key that says “trazz”, then moves over to a picture of Arnold Swarchenneglers wrestling a gay lion, but doesn’t press anything. Cut back to the guy’s face. Sweat is dripping off him now. A bear’s paw comes on screen and wipes the sweat away with an oily rag. A ticking clock sound effect can be heard. “Dammit. What’s the password? I knew I should have listened when the beautiful mysterious Russian lady was telling me the password.”

FLASHBACK: Beautiful russian lady is in a bar eating a plate of eels. She looks at the camera and burps, then says “The password is…” then you hear a yawning sound and the camera turns around to reveal a horse playing the piano in a darkened corner of the bar. Hands appear on screen and start clapping.

Present day: “God dammit. Always had a thing for animals playing the piano. Back to business…”

Show the computer screen where the cursor is blinking on a USERNAME and PASSWORD box. Cut back to the keyboard and Hackerjack presses the letter H. As he does so the computer auto-fills the username (“Hackerjack”) and the password appears. “Bingo! Piece o’cake.” Hackerjack fist-pumps the air and says “YSSSSS!” pushes away from the computer desk and high fives a monkey wearing a baseball cap hard, then swivels round, still sliding along the floor on his wheely chair and bumps into a vending machine. He kicks it and a can of Pepsi flies out landing in his open fist. He looks at the camera, winks and says “I’m in.”

SLAM! Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N Roses starts playing so loud your dog shits all over itself, then you, and then tries to eat the shit. The title of the movie slams into the screen in jagged pink and orange letters. HACKERJACK. Fuck, this part is so awesome your knees starting headbutting each other.

There follows an 80s hacker montage: someone in a car driving really fast down a street hanging out of the window with a giant computer in his hand, trying to hack into national security. Cut to a guy chomping on a cigar who slams his fist down on a table and says “NOOOOO”. Next you see a whole row of 80s computers with nerds feverishly typing in front of them in a dark room. Suddenly a door slams open and a guy with no top on and huge muscles brandishing a flame thrower steps into the room. Camera zooms in on his face which says “Here is a firewall for you pencil necks” then he starts melting everybody’s face off with fire.

Camera freezes as his face is lit up. “STARRING ARNOLD SWARCHGENEGGLERS as MURGATROID D. WIZZENBANGER” spins around and slides onto the screen in a metallic font. Cut to a man in Times Square in New York spinning around holding his head saying “The password! The password! DAMMMIIITTTT!” Cut to a camel playing water polo, then to a robot wrestling another robot in an underground bear-knuckle fighting pit. Cut to a man in a penthouse office suite with his feet on his desk looking out over the view of the Manhatten skyline. He looks at a goat that he has tied to his desk and says “Some things in life just can’t be hacked.” Then he starts laughing but the camera zooms in on they goats eyes which glow red and swivel around, then cut to the goat’s mouth which opens to reveal circuit boards sparking. “STARRING PATRICK SWAYZE as GOATZORD” slides onto the screen from right to left in sparkling green letters. Random shots of a man firing a handgun at a cactus and screaming, somebody trying to eat a carpet, two guys smashing keyboards over a turtle’s back and a computer driving a speedboat with three hot chicks touching its joystick. “Coming to a cinema near you, summer 1985″ fades onto the screen, and a distorted power chord reverbs in your skull. Then you and a porcupine die.