(Also known as “Stanley Crustaceon och das Ornate Platter ib Algabard” in poland.)
Thunder and lightning crashes onto the screen, a bunch of old guys with beards, long dressing gowns, pointy hats and stilts with high heeled shoes are standing in a semi circle in a candle lit library…they are all wearing make up.
“A dark time is upon us. I have gathered you here today my brothers to discuss that which thoust has forsaken us forth-a-with to the undertakings of such tasked, mentioned and aformentioned before, beforest thou bestowed uponuth thus like in a such a motion thusly thrust! hitherto.”
“THIS MANTANGUARY 5th….” Sparkles onto the screen.
“The what? Oh, you mean the prophecy, right.”
“Yes, that whicheth hest been bestowed upawn us to send the choesn one forth to-”
“Im the chose one ain’t I? I always knew it!” zoom into an obnoxious teenage boys face, a monobrow in the shape of a lightning bolt jitters across his forehead. “Lets go shrink some pirates!”
“Tom Cruise stars as Stanley Platter”
A man dressed like a Hobbit falls to the floor in a forest: “oh god stanley-my spleen I cant go on, the pain is too much to bare!”
Stanley whips a horn shaped flask from under his cape: “quick drink this!”
Taking a large gulp the man asks “what is it?”
waiting till the man in the Hobbit clothes has finished drinking Stanley replies: “its urine extracted from the corpse of a rotting saber toothed narwal. It wont actually do anything but it may ease the pain.”
before vomiting badly the Hobbit can be heard screaming through tears “oh you utter bastard! make it stop!”
A wizard in a really tall pointy hat “Oh dear that seems to have only aggravated it.”
Stanley: “You taught me that, that would help a busted panceas-you prick!”
Wizard (above the sounds of gurgling) : “Well i er…didn’t he say spleen? Are you sure you’re the chosen one?”
The word “in” falls out of a unicorns bum hole accompanied by a magical type sound effect.
standing on a moving escalator the Wizard states: “This is fabulous Stanley, but how are you doing it?”
looking at the wizard in disgust Stanley replies: “by MAGIC, obviously. Dick head! I am magic you know.”
“Stanley Platter and the Ornate Crustaceon of Algabard” explodes onto the screen with the sound of magic happening.
the trailer ends with a sinister laugh and you realize that your underpants and stilts have miraculously gone missing. FADE TO SQUID!
FUCK! That was pamptrastically spandabulous! I read it really slowly, doing all the voices out loud, and killed myself in the process.
favourite moments:
“The word “in” falls out of a unicorns bum hole accompanied by a magical type sound effect.”
“Lets go shrink some pirates!”
GNARYG!
“by MAGIC, obviously. Dick head! I am magic you know.”