Start with a closeup of a pig eating from a trough. Hard rock music plays hard. Quick zoom in on the pig food, then zoom out up to the stars as a guitar / drum solo wails hard. The pig can be heard squealing a little. A cutout of Patrick Swayze appears in the corner of the screen and begins singing the theme song, “When you can catch upon a lucky star”. He grunts out the words in his husky voice:
“When you can catch upon a lucky star,
You know just where I’ll be.
When you need somebody to hug, yeah baby
That’s where I’ll be.”
Slow fade in from black to the sound of an incredibly tall man headbutting a jar of marmalade played slow motion and in reverse. The scene is a college american football game. People are cheering and drinking beers and hot dogs in slow motion. It is night. The two teams, the Mougenbrockern Raiders and the Toollahassee Sequins, are tied 156 to 156 in the 7th quarter. PatrickSwayze fades off screen but you can still hear the theme tune.
“You gotta reach deep down inside yourself,
And find your inner American soul,
Like the pilgrims did all those years ago,
And then you never let me go”
The word “Go” drags out really long and some synth noises followed by a hard, driving snare beat zork into the speakers at brain-jellifying volumes. Patrick swayze flashes onto the screen for half a second, his eyes closed, hair large and permed, with his fist clenched in front of his breast. He falls to his knees and fades away. The singing continues as the camera zooms in on:
CHIP LEZNAR played by Chuck Norris. Despite playing a college football player, he has a full grown beard and a thousand-yard stare that could kill a bear from 15 miles away. He smirks and throws the football which slams into another players skull causing his legs to blast off his body in different directions and his face to melt. Another player pulls off his mask and the camera zooms in on his face. Freeze frame and it’s Steven Seagal playing MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD. “My inheritance is bigger than yours, assface,” says Seagal. Two huge football players come to tackle him and he sidesteps, grabs one by the ear and the other by the kneecap, steps, twists, shoves and the players land in a heap next to them with their limbs rearranged and their hair on backwards. Seagal and Norris slam their helmets back on their heads so hard that they sink about 10cm into the turf and say in unison “It’s game time. Let’s get it on!”
Quick montage of the rest of the game with Patrick Swayze superimposed in glowing white in the corner of the screen, still singing. Seagal slams into a random player in slow motion who does a backflip before splitting apart like a ripe banana.
“When you think you can’t go on no more,”
Cut to a close up of Norris grinning behind his faceplate. Then zoom out to see that he is standing on a huge pile of dead bodies wearing football uniforms and tossing a ball up in the air. “Come and get it lard-ass,” he says.
“I don’t wanna hear that goddam crap. Suck it up and remember…”
Split screen showing Seagal running towards Norris. Bodies are flying everywhere like ragdolls and random buckets of blood are splashing against the screen and/or your face.
“You got to wish upon your lucky star…”
The two athletes approach each other and the camera zooms out to show the night sky where a shooting star flies across the screen accompanied by the sound of a tramp throwing a cat in the bin.
“And baby that’s where I’ll be…”
Cut to the after party in some big rich slob’s mansion. Seagal and Norris are sipping champagne and flirting with hot babes whilst glaring at each other murderously across the room. Their glare is so intense that one guy accidentally walks in between them when they were staring at each other and promptly a red line appears across his body, then his chest, head and arms slide off and fall to the floor and a fountain of blood and guts sprays out of his decapitated body, showering party-goers in ropy gore which is awesome. Norris and Seagal continue staring at each other throught the fountain of blood. A close up of the blood, combined with a soft-focus split screen shot of Seagal and Norris’s face and the sound of a carpenter bashing a terrapin against a wooden fence, will give the audience the strong feeling of some kind of high-level symbology with a hidden deeper meaning going on. CHIP LEZNAR’s best friend TRIPP MCWILLIAMS says “Hey man are we gonna win the state championships or what? And when are you gonna bone MELISSA CHOAD-HEART. She wants your cock.”
CHIP LEZNAR (Norris) grins and sidekicks a random party-goer so hard he explodes like a watermelon that has been put in the microwave. “That bitch is mine,” he says, extra-loud, still staring sideways at MARCUS WINSLOW THE THIRD (Seagal.) MARCUS hears this and freaks out, crushing his glass in his hand which explodes and then rubbing the shards of glass in some chick’s face. He stands up and the music stops with that KKKKEEESRCH sound that happens when the needle is suddenly pulled off a record. Partygoers pause midsentence and stare at Seagal and Norris, who are breathing so hard that their nostril hairs are blowing out about 10cm from their face and then inverting and going down their throat pretty hard. Somebody says to Seagal “Chill out dude, have a cocktai—” but he gets cut off mid sentence as Seagal knife-hands him in the throat (still looking only at Chuck Norris) causing his head to fall off and then a dog walks in the patio doors and sniffs the head, then takes a wizz on the head, then howls. Somebody pats Chuck Norris on the shoulder and says “I think you shoul—” but gets cut off as Norris’s foot swivels round at an unnatural angle and zooms up underneath his chin, kicking him hard in the face, then in the ear, lastly in the neck twice causing the guy to vomit and then die.
Freeze frame on this scene of utmost tension. PAtrick Swayze appears breifly wearing diapers and sucking his thumb.
“LUCKY STAR 2” Slams into the screen to the sound of a hampster sitting on a chair being thrown through a window. “HAPPY GO LUCKY” appears underneath as if being spray painted on with a green aerosol can. Screen fades to black and a cutout of Patrick Swayze walks on done on a really bad bluescreen with a thick white outline. He looks at the camera and makes two guns out of his hands, pretends to shoot the camera, then blows imaginary smoke from the ends of his fingers. Freeze frame on him then a shooting star flies across the scene with a noise like a firework.
DIRECTED BY HUMBERT CHOO-KRANTZ headbutts the screen so hard your willy shrivels up and your balls burst.
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