Subliminal Criminals

Directed by:
Danny De Vito

Writing credits:
Bert Bacarac
Ricky Lake
Gilbert Gilbo
Marselle Marso

Genre:
Romance / Sci Fi / Clone Bowling (more)

Tagline:
They Created him…now they have to create him again to uncreate him.

Nothing is truly forgettable, other than that which never was forgotten…unforgottenable.

Plot Outline:
Samson “Green thumb” Lavern is a serial killer with a penchant for killing his victims with vegetables. Special Super-intendant Luther Mandrake has spent most of his career trying to catch him. Just days before his retirement, Samson strikes again, but Luther is off the case. The only way to possibly stop this serial gardener is to clone him (from DNA found at a crime scene) team the clone up with Luther and use his inherent telepathic connection with Samson to bring this sick vegetarian down once and for good…
(more) (view trailer)

User Comments:
“Ok, how the fuck do you become telepathically linked with someone that you’ve just been cloned from?” - Dollythesheep@cloned.com

“Rain man anyone? Why oh, why does Van Damme agree to this stuff? I mean he was purple and wearing a beetroot on his head for most of the movie” - Zaltron Mc Stairwell

“Is this the sequel to Replicant? Fantastic” – Steve

“I luved dis movee.Van Dam woz gr8.” - CloNeSrUle1987

“Couldn’t they have cloned a better actor?” Margaret Smithmalenson

… (more)

User Rating:
minus5 / 10 (6000 votes)

Credited cast:
Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern
Jean Claude Van Damme

Clone (Samson Lavern Junior)
Jean Claude Van Damme

Special Super-intendant Luther Mandrake
Michael Douglas

Dr.Raymond Spizaz
R Kelly

Chief Elphazar Demois
Luther Vandros

Replicat
Fluffkins the cat

Replicunt
Susan Serandon’s Growler

Out of work bum no.9
Jools Holland

(more)

Also Known As:
Forget me why? (POL)
Unrememberance (US)

Runtime:
IRELAND: 4 days 18 mins
NORFOLK DOWNS: 3 mins 47 seconds

Country:
Muldovia / West Chezneya

Language:
English / Spenk

Memorable Quotes:

Chief Elphazar Demois: Even though you’ve retired we’ve decided that you’ll get one last shot at that criminal case you just cant seem to drop. Oh, and say hello to your new partner.
Luther Mandrake: Excellent! you wont be disappointed…what the fuck!?
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): Hi im-
Luther Mandrake: Chief! is this some kind of sick joke!?
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior) whipping a single tear from his cheek and whispering under his breath: Don’t let them see you cry.
……………….

Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern: Ha! They’ll have to create some kind of clone to stop me and thats still physically impossible what with the limitations of science and all.
Victim number 5: (tied up and gagged) mmmm mmm mmmm!
Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern: (raising a marrow above his head) No ma’m your not gonna “marrowly” escape this one.
……………….

Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): Do you really think I look ok?
Dr.Raymond Spizaz: Yeah…Sure… ummmm.
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): What? What is it doctor?
Dr.Raymond Spizaz: No, nothing. Its just…your purple.
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): (sigh of relief) Oh Thank God, I thought you were going to tell me I look like some kind of of vegetable or something haha.
Dr.Raymond Spizaz: Well (hiding an x-ray of a beetroot behind his clipboard)…about that…
……………….

Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): I dont know, I dont know!
Luther Mandrake: Come on think damn you - think!
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): er…ok…err.
Luther Mandrake: SHIT hes getting away!
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): Ok, I got it! (starts drawing in crayon on the bonnet of a car: a donkey playing baseball with a naked woman on his back)
Luther Mandrake slaps Samson Lavern Junior hard in the face.
Luther Mandrake: Pull it together man, you pervert. Look at yourself you’ve pissed yourself and everything. Ah for chrissake I thought you were supposed to be psychic, not retarded.
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): (sobs) under his breath - its telepathic you bastard.
cut to Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern driving past a field where a naked women is sitting on a donkey playing baseball.
……………….

Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern: AH HAHAHAHA What the hell are you supposed to be!?
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): I’m a clone…of you…we’re, we’re brothers.
Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern: AH HAHAHAHA you’re purple and you’ve got a beetroot for a head. You look ridiculous!
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior): But…the doctors said I was a near perfect copy from your DNA found at a crime scene.
Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern: Exactly dumb ass, but I don’t look like a beetroot do I? They must have got beetroot mixed up in the cloning process. This is hilarious. You Dic.
Clone (Samson Lavern Junior):(sobs)
……………….

Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern: You idiots, thinking you could catch me with some half ass clone. Clown more like. I mean just look at him he’s pissed his pants again!
Luther Mandrake: Get down here you low life!
Samson “Green Thumb” Lavern: Can it Mandrake, you should have stayed retired. When I split kick these turnips, its going to cause a chain reaction that’ll cover this whole city in mashed potato and marrow fat peas. Sionara Wankers - this is gonna be totally swede!
……………….

Goofs:
- Incorrectly considered as mistakes: You cannot create an explosive reaction just by kicking turnips.

– Continuity error: Clone Samson Lavern Junior’s eyes often look the wrong way in scenes supposedly showing his line of sight.

– Revealing mistakes: In the scenes showing the cloning process, the DNA is spliced with a stick of Celery then with a coffee cup then with a spice rack and a painting of a ballerina.

- Factual errors: Its impossible to make a human beetroot clone.

- Continuity error: Clone Samson Lavern Junior’s head changes to an asparagus tip in the scene in the car where he thinks he is developing “feelings” for his partner Luther Mandrake played by Micheal Douglas.

- Factual errors: Wearing a Robe of Lettuce does not make you bullet proof and unable to be killed by your brother that you’ve been cloned from.

- Miscellaneous: Danny De Vito whilst filming was said to have worn a jock strap made entirely of tequila worms just to make his manhood appear larger than a babies finger.

- Factual errors: Spitting in your hand and then shaking someone else’s hand is not a legally binding agreement.

- Revealing mistakes: Jean Claude Van Damme is actually Purple but appears orange in the scenes where he is not playing the beetroot clone.

Insider Trivia:
Micheal Douglas Constantly bullied Jean Claude Van Damme on and off set during the filming of Unforgottenable, insisting he was a method actor and it helped him with his character. Micheal Douglas is said to have been involved in some kind of foot to face accident, the details of which remain sketchy. Van Damme’s Agent assures us that they are still firm friends.

Fade up from black to show a snowy mountain in the cold light of dawn. A lonely train track winds through the white snow.
Voiceover:
“When they decided to hold the Olympics in a remote mountain in Northern Canada, they didn’t realise they were about to get more than they bargained for.”
Quick close up of the trains wheels spinning really fast and then a close up of the train’s chimney with a loud “CHOO CHOO” sound, then back to a quiet long shot of the train winding through the mountains.
Voicever:
“They didn’t count on the fact that some people hate freedom, and hate the people that live free.”
Cut to inside the train. Various Olympic athletes sit playing cards, eating soup, or headbutting each other quite hard. The scenery flies past outside the window. Somebody farts really loud and then gets sucked out of an open window.
Some athletes wearing Russian tracksuits are glaring at other athletes wearing american flag tracksuits.
“As the temperature plummets, tension rises in the cabin.”
Cut to a shot of a russian athlete and an american one arguing. the camera zooms in on the russian athlete with a KCHUNG sound. freezeframe and the text:
“STARRING DAVID HASSLEHOFF AS SERGY KALASHNIKOV” smashes onto the screen
unfreeze frame and then: sergy: “You stupid americans! Always having the bigshot and playing your cheat at the cards!”
camera zooms out then back in on the american athlete. freezeframe with the sound of a pigeon being shot and the words:
“STARRING MICHAEL J FOX AS CHIP BRADLEY” slam into the screen four times HARD.
chip bradley: “Screw you ya commie bastard. Fair’s fair and if you can’t take that then you don’t deserve to even breathe the same air as an American!”
Cut to a shot of the two groups staring at each other and stamping their feet on the cabin floor. Other, smaller countries whimper and back away slowly. Cut to a shot of the train rattling too fast and unsteady on the track. Long zoom out to the sound of a horse chewing a wet pair of jeans to reveal that the train track about a kilometer ahead is broken and dangles off the edge of a cliff.
“What they needed was miracle. What they needed was…”
Camera slowly pans down the train corridor to the pantry. The sound of someone whistling and chopping vegetables can be heard. Quick cut to a mega close up of a knife slicing through onions, then peppers, then someones finger accompanied by a scream, really fast. Cut back to the slow zoom along the train corridor. Cut to a shot of someone’s wide back wearing a chef’s outfit. Pan up to reveal a black, shiny ponytail under a bandana. Cut to more vegetables being chopped up, this time superfast.

“Livin on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi starts chunking out of the speakers HARD. Cut to a close up of the chef. Freeze frame on STEVEN SEAGAL’S FACE and the words: “Starring Steven Seagal as Chef Randall Morlock” just as “livin on a prayer” really starts getting going. Seagal suddenly stops whistling and looks at the camera. His left ear twitches and the audience can clearly hear the sounds of high-caliber athletes slapping each other on the face and headbutting shins. Seagal cracks a grin and then winks. Your internal organs begin vibrating as you realise that a montage is coming up and just as Bon Jovi starts wailing “WOAHAH WE’RE HALF WAY THERE, WOWOWOWWWAAAAAAOH LIVIN ON A PRAYER” we cut to a montage showing the following: steven seagal running the entire length of the train in 1.3 seconds and shoulder barging a woman in the back who flies into another customer who spills scolding hot fondue all over his neck and screams then seagal backflips into the toilet and rips a hole in the floor revealing the train tracks flying past underneath for no reason at all. cut to a shot of david hasslehoff ripping off his tracksuit and handing it to his assistant without looking. the audience however can see that he has just handed his tracksuit to steven seagal, who is staring at the side of hasslehoffs neck HARD. hasslehoff, still not looking, touches seagals arms, then neck, before rubbing his face and prodding him in the eye a little. he says “Yuri? Is that you?” Cut to seagal kicking a chair so that it flies up in the air then punching it so that it flies into the side of Hasslehoffs neck (which breaks). Then Michael J Fox goes to high five seagal but seagal sidekicks him in the ribs, causing him to basically rip in half at the waist and fall to the ground. Seagal then squats down and jumps up, smashing a hole in the ceiling, simultanously flinging poison darts at a bunch of bionic cyber-monkeys that the Ukrainians had smuggled with the intention of ruining the 1986 Winter Olympics. Cut to a shot of Seagal standing on two donkeys roped to the top of the train with their tongues hanging out really, really far so that it looks almost unreal, and a quick zoom out to reveal the train still going really fast towards the broken track at the end of the line. Some quick cuts showing a man attempting to eat honey spare ribs with a spoon, sweden on fire, most of berlin underwater, a cheese-eating contest in spain and seven micro-organisms voting on their favourite aftershave followed by stock footage of nuclear explosions.
Voiceover: “This fall, there’s only one man crazy enough to buy a return ticket on… ” and then the title slams in to the screen five times with the noise of an elephant being dropped into a swimming pool filled with jam “OLYMPIC DEATH TRAIN”
RATED “R”
“A STEVEN SEAGAL PRODUCTION” gets smeared onto the screen with pink lipstick accompanied by a harpsichord. Fade to burlap.

Directed by:
Mel Gibson

Writing credits:
Mel Gibson
Tina Turner
Buzz Aldrin

Genre:
Fantasy / Horror / Space Adventure (more)

Tagline:
A mysterious prophecy. A magic story. An enchanted glove. And an adventure that’s… out of this world.

Plot Outline:
Willy Wizard is a boy born to a normal family of non-wizards. But one day, he awakens to find a magical glove inserted into his rectum. From that day forth, he knew he was special. After being randomly selected for NASA’s first public space flight… (more) (view trailer)

User Comments:
“Some of the dragons in this film were OK but I prefer normal dragons without computers attached to their spines that control satellites or anything. Overall I would give this a 6 out of 10 for its unrealistic representation of dragons. However just having a dragon in there in the first place saves it from a 3 out of ten. (Dragons RULE.)” - DrAgOnStArX

“Aldrin’s influence on the script is very confusing. Why does the setting suddenly change from the fantasy realm of Fantasmia to the Mir Space Station?” - Robert Crantz

“wizurds r gay” – fUxxor

“wud b okay if ther wz more than one staking but unfortunately seeing as only one person gets staked thru the heart (and that was an accident) then i wont be renting this movie or even watching it again.” -vampHUNTER

“Why so much swearing in a PG film? MY uncle nearly fainted. And he’s a sailor.” Margaret Smoithens

… (more)

User Rating:
2/10 (6000 votes)

Credited cast:
Willy Wizard
Keifer Sutherland

Bob Snaggard
Donald Sutherland

Darleen Snaggard
Elizabeth Shue

Esmerelda Nine-teets
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Chris Dralcor
Justin Timberlake

Noblewing the Dragon
Stephen Hawkings (Voice)

Gary the Giant
Paul Daniels

Caveman Sue
Debbie McGee

Troll #2
R Kelly

Salazar
Craig David

Prince Zorquot
Danny de Vito

(more)

Also Known As:
Supa Magic Wizado Hand Life(JPN)
Ting tar er fee Shao Zong Xie Fang Siu (CHN)

Runtime:
IRELAND: -113 min
NORTH PEMBROKESHIRE: 68 min

Country:
UK / PRE-BERLIN WALL EAST GERMANY

Language:
English / Mormon

Memorable Quotes:

Willy Wizard: God I hate you normal people! Some times I think that I am secretly a wizard or something like that.
Bob Snaggard & Darleen Snaggard (speaking in unison): What no that is ridiculous .Just plain ridiculous now eat your pea soup and shut the fuck up.
Willy Wizard: I don’t even like pea soup. I wish you were DEAD!
(Bob Snaggard & Darleen Snaggard die in a flash of green sparks).
Willy Wizard (looking at green electricity sparking from between his fingers): HOLY SHITCUNTS!

……………….

Gary the Giant: Willy, I’m here to tell you that you are really a wizard.
Willy Wizard: Seriously?
Gary the Giant: For reals.
Willy Wizard: So could I, like, turn you into a frog?
Gary the Giant: Why would you want to do tha-
(flash of green sparks and then Gary the Giant is transformed into a giant penis with legs. )
Gary the Giant: Oh, bollocks.
Willy Wizard: Not bollocks, penis you fat cunt!

……………….

Noblewing the Dragon: Willy, do you see down there? That is the castle of Prince Zorquot the evil.
Willy Wizard: Whatever.
Noblewing the Dragon :Whatever? Willy, don’t you realise your destiny? That is the castle of the evil prince, and if you don’t stop him, well, Fantasmia could be destroyed…
Willy Wizard (trying to stab Noblewing in the eye with his magic wand): Shut the fuck up already you old piece of shit. Now take me back to the real world, I have an appointment with some assholes from NASA.

……………….
Chris Dralcor: So, Willy, do you think you can handle being in space?
Willy Wizard (eyes glazed over, staring at nothing, drool dripping down his face); YES… MASTER
Chris Dralcor (camera zooms in on his grinning face and he is rubbing his hands together): Excellent. Salazar! Prepare the Paininator. It’s time for Willy Wizard to meet… the Paininator.
Salazar (gasping so hard he inhales a bit of his beard): The… the Paininator?
Chris Dralcor (head whipping round towards Salazar): Is there… a problem, Salazar?
(Salazar cringes away and as he does so, his left arm falls off.)
Chris Dralcor: God. Just get out of my sight. Cunt.

……………….

Caveman Sue (floating through space in a space suit): WILLY! WILLY WAKE UP! YOU’VE GOT TO FIGHT THE FUCKING EVIL MAGIC THAT DRALCOR USED ON YOU!
Willy Wizard (grunting and fighting evil magic): GNRRRR gnnaaar… fucking shit… gnooooooooook… SKRLK
Caveman Sue: That’s it Willy! That’s it! Fight the magic! Harder Willy! Yes! Yes! Fucking harder Willy! Yes fuck yes!
Willy Wizard (shaking his head and opening his eyes): What the… what the fuck is going on shit!
Caveman Sue: Oh thank goodness! Willy, you’re alive!
Willy Wizard (flash of green sparks coming from his fingers): YES! I Was alive all the long just pretending! Now take THAT!
(cut to a close up of the faceplate of Caveman Sue’s space suit. She has been transformed into a giant penis with legs.)
Willy Wizard: In your face you old bag of arse!

……………….

Goofs:
- Incorrectly considered as mistakes: You cannot survive in the vacuum of space just by holding your breath. Unless you are a wizard.

– Continuity error: Willy Wizard is a half human, half wizard hybrid with human characteristics. However in scene 12 he briefly appears to be a young giraffe suckling on his mother’s teet.

– Revealing mistakes: In the scenes involving giants, all the extras are clearly children used to give the impression of size. This is made obvious because they have dummies in their mouths and spend most of the time vomiting, crying, or crapping in their pants and then playing with the crap, eating the crap, or fashioning the crap into crude representations of the people around them.

- Factual errors: Orangutans cannot make a successful living as hairdressers.

- Continuity error: Willy Wizard’s parents die at the beginning of the movie. However they appear three more times, notably during the final orgy scene.

- Factual errors: Stabbing a leper in the eye with a sharpened rod of cheese will not make your nemesis spontaneously burst into flames.

- Miscellaneous: Second-unit director Randall McTaggard often came to work smeared in urine and feces of unidentified origin.

- Factual errors: Grinding up wall tiles into dust and rubbing the dust in the hotel-clerk’s face is not a commonly accepted method of payment.

- Revealing mistakes: Characters paying for goods or services with small pieces of metal or flat sheets of paper with intricate designs.

- Revealing mistakes: Characters in the prehistoric scenes referring to each other as “dude” and playing wi-fi Nintendo DS games.

Insider Trivia:

– Melvin Smith (Editor) made his living editing pornographic films, which explains the constant soft-tint, seductive jazz music, and close-ups of penises thrusting into vaginas (or anuses) prevalent in the movie.
– Actor’s Trademark: Keifer Sutherland claiming “there’s no time”
– Willy Wizard’s magic wand was actually not magic at all.
– The character of salazar was initally to be played by a turnip
- A nod is not as good as a wink to a blind bat if the bat is touching your face with its claws or wings at the time
- in order to get a PG rating, all scenes involving chris dralcor anally penetrating Noblewing the Dragon were cut and replaced with scenes of a gunwhale headbutting a stoat.
- the gunwhaling society of greenland complained so vehemently about the headbutting scenes that they were replaced again with footage of somebody inhaling a piece of stilton through their nostrils.
- the society for inhaling stilton through your nostrils of northern ireland felt strongly that the scenes involving their sport were handled in terribly poor taste and gave people entirely the wrong impression about them. after campaigning for a number of months, the scenes involving people inhaling cheese through their noses were replaced with an endlessly repeating loop of a man losing his footing on a bridge and falling off, only to get his leg caught on a rusty nail and hang there, screaming for help.
- Flames: are really hot

We open on the inside of a Donkeys Pancreas a fist slams right through it and into the camera like “WHAM! here i fucking am!” the fist pulls out and the camera zooms along with it. This is accompanied by a braying sound and a Donkey falling over. Now out in the hot mid day sun STEVEN FRIKIN SEAGAL is Squinting right into the camera
subtitles: Svelt Spindlekarp age 13 and three quarters (Steven Seagal).
Bad eighties keyboard music starts to play zorting and di dee doo noises are happening.
Cut to the inside of a Goats Druadium, a foot kerumps right up to the camera with the words “made in Brussels Bitches” tatooed on it. The foot zooms out accompanied by the sound of a Giraffe imploding.
Now back outside VAN STUPID DAMME looks quizically into camera with a “HUR” noise.
subtitles: Shneider Williamsondersansonsunjin 14 (Jean Claude Van Damme.)

The two muscle bound cool guys are clearly in the middle of a montage as they are both holding five guns in one hand, they turn to face each other Van Damme states “Lets Do Dis” Seagal mumbles “Suppers on the coal stove crackers gone hungry, lets get the alabama missisipi train rollin ma nigler” they both arm wrestle / hand shake and the camera zooms up to their fists lightning and sparks are flying out of their hands seemingly by magic. The eighties music is at an all time pump up high of 10 jizillion mega spurturtles.

At this point the audience is putting their hands and feet into meat shredders and crying HARD coz they know…they KNOW a montage is about to occur.

WHAM MONTAGE TIME!!!!!!!!! (everyone in Uganda turns inside out and the sound of a million marmosets landing on the sun is felt inside your brain)

“Girls just wanna have fun” by Cindy Lauper starts playing. Van damme does the flying splits over a Harley Davidson shouting “Woo!”. cut to Seagal yanking peoples arms off sending them spinning into a spaghetti maker. Van Damme backflipping over bikini clad girls by a swimming pool landing in the splits and punching a cocktail waiter right in the balls shouting “HUR!”. A bad guy being mule kicked by Seagal off the back of a speed boat, only to be run over by another speed boat being driven by Van Damme who gives a thumbs up and says “WOO!”. someone getting slapped and the slapped again and again then kicked backwards out of a glass window on the fifth floor the guy lands with a splat next to Van Damme in a yellow vest, white trousers and sunglasses, he looks up and raises a pina colada up at Seagal who puts his hands to together as if to pray then just smirks. A man being punched through the spine by Seagal and then having his head kicked off by Van Damme they both say “hur!” or “WOO!”. A gaggle of nuns being shoved out of a plane with parachutes on then Seagal marches up to the pilot and snaps his neck, then both him and Van Damme backflip out of the plane again shouting “BOOYA!”

this montage is amazing and ends with an explosion of fire with the words “SUPER SLAM FEST 7 dont fuck with these guys coz your going to pay the price Bad Guys.” smashing into the screen twice.

By Sheena Tarstank, Staff Reporter

STARS BRIGHTEN LOS ANGELES NIGHT

Los Angeles was melting under the hot summer sun this past Wednesday. But the heat was turned up even more, as if it were night-time (if that’s even possible) by the Hollywood “stars”, out en masse for the premiere of Steven Seagal’s new action movie, Hard Slammin Karate Breakers. These “stars” temporarily swooped down to earth, dressed to the nines in sequins, shoulder pads and sexy suits, and wowed audiences. By walking along the red carpet towards the premiere of the movie.

If it was “stars” on the red carpet, then there was certainly a supernova of action happening at the premiere. Seagal rolled up in his customary 1957 modified Chevrolet Stretch Convertible Hovercraft, causing quite a stir with the local traffic cops. One of the cops was last seen tapping on the window of Seagal’s vehicle and asking to see his license and registration. What happened next is anyone’s guess but by all accounts, the window opened just a fraction, then the cop was sucked inside like a piece of wet spaghetti. There were some gurgling and breaking noises and then the window on the other side opened up and a shoe fell to the sidewalk. The nerve of these cops, trying to show up stars at their own premieres. Fucking shitheels.

Seagal arrived with his usual entourage in tow, offering plenty of opportunity for the paparazzi “hounds” to “wolf up” some “pictures.” There was that chick from Weird Science with the funny accent, Sylvester Stallonegger (who was carrying Danny de Vito in a small leather handbag), Jules the talking horse, Chief-runs-with-scissors and his daughter, Krystal, as well as the fourteen white llamas that Seagal has taken to bringing along with him everywhere.

Seagal stunned the fashionistas on the red carpet with his outfit: combining cowboy boots with knee-pads and hot pants, with an american-indian cowskin poncho, fur hand warmers and a ten gallon hat, Seagal looked magnificent. Truly magnificent.

The film itself was an absolute masterpiece, a perfectly crafted piece of cinema history that allowed Lord Seagal to shine in all his glory. Long live the lord and master and may he long lord over us all, in a master-like way.

Amen.