Subliminal Criminals

The year is 2025 thousand and seven…explodes onto the screen
over the shoulder shot of a man in a space suit twiddling a knob on a futuristic yet very 80s TV set. Some static, then a close up of a man’s moustache appears on the screen.
Close up of the man in the space suits face, he’s possibly an astronaut or some kind of futuristic stock market guy. Either way he’s pretty fucking pumped this is obvious because his beard is growing and shrinking extremely fast and his eyes are bulging and steam and baked beans are coming out of his tear ducts. Shit. yep that’s right you’ve just crapped yourself because your spleen has inverted.

Cut back to the screen to show Tom Selleck’s big fat face filling the screen, zoom out to reveal he’s sitting on a camel in just a pair of stars and stripes speedos grinning like a baboon. Him and the Camel amble up a beach to Wesley Snipes who is crouched next to a fire in the sand he’s also wearing Speedos only his are pink with a palm tree and a pina colada covering his balls.

close up of Wesley Snipes’ stupid grinning face, a coconut hurtles through the air and smashes him hard on the back of his head. He slumps face down into the fire evacuating his bowels into his speedos in the process. The camera follows the trajectory of the coconut and we see Arnold Schwasenegler tossing a coconut up and down in one hand and smoking a stogie. He says

“HAY Poin dexder, lets get thee paaardey shdarded!”
“Push it” by salt N pepa starts to play.

David Hasselhoff runs up the beach from out of nowhere, shouting “BOO YA - in your face grandma!” at an old lady and pointing to his crutch with a magnum.

Steven Seagal rocks up the beach in a jeep filled with bikini clad girls, knocking small children over.

Someone shouts BOO YA! off screen and a gunshot is heard followed by someone squeeling in agony.

Wesley Snipes sits up with blood dribbling from one nostril and a golf ball sized lump on the back of his head explodes. His eyes are blood shot and his chest is red raw from the fire he just fell on.

The Jeep skids next to the camel showering Snipes in sand and broken glass, he screams in pain but its too late, the camel mule kicks him through the brain making pate and sand and glass jet out his nostrils HARD!

Seagal steps out of the jeep wrapped in bikini babes and popping a boner. He’s wearing an orange moo moo, no trousers and cowboy boots. His boner twitches then subtitles crash onto the screen over a montage of Mr.T break dancing with street kids Seagal headbutting Zebras making their intestines shoot out of their bums like silly string, Tom Sellic and Arnold Swarzenegger smoking stogies and kicking camels. The subtitles exclaim:

JOIN THE ULTIMATE SUPERSTARS IN THE LATEST BEACH PARTY BASED CELEBRITY REALITY TV SHOW “IM INSANELY AMAZING SO WATCH ME BACK FLIP OVER STUFF SERIES IV”

smell of burning hair and hamster insides are running rampant in your nostrils and not to mention frontal lobe. You’ve soiled yourself as have I. FADE TO PURLACK!