Subliminal Criminals

Wide angle shot of a woman walking down a windy street holding her coat tight around herself.

Voiceover:
Don’t you just hate windy days?

Close up of the woman nodding her head vigourously.

Voiceover:
Sometimes, don’t you just wish you could control the weather?

Even harder, more vigorous nods from the woman with the sound effects of an elephant jumping on a squeaky bed.

Voiceover:
In fact, wouldn’t you give anything to be able to command the heavens?

Womans head bounces up and down like crazy with some noises that sound like a combination of a Yak vomiting on a group of hens, a donkey braying like crazy and a prison inmate slamming giant blocks of ice into his nutsack repeatedly. The womans head suddenly falls off but remains attached to her body by a single strand of multi-coloured silly string.

Dog ambles on screen, sniffs at the severed head, lifts its leg to pee, and then explodes twice.

Fourteen mongolian stoat-wranglers appear on the scene whirling lassoos around their head and saying “yeehaaarrr” pretty damn loud.

“NEW IMPROVED”
Slams onto the screen so hard it cracks a little bit.

“SNART BARS!”
Chunks onto the screen beneath it with a picture of a long, thin chocolate bar.

Note: this ad will cause your hair follicles to turn around and start growing inwards instead of out so don’t be alarmed by the tickly, itchy, incredibly painful sensation you will soon feel all over your body. Okay, maybe just a little bit alarmed. In fact, I’d call the doctor about now. Or if you want to save time, a funeral home would be best. Either way, I’m just saying.