Subliminal Criminals

The year is 2025 thousand and seven…explodes onto the screen
over the shoulder shot of a man in a space suit twiddling a knob on a futuristic yet very 80s TV set. Some static, then a close up of a man’s moustache appears on the screen.
Close up of the man in the space suits face, he’s possibly an astronaut or some kind of futuristic stock market guy. Either way he’s pretty fucking pumped this is obvious because his beard is growing and shrinking extremely fast and his eyes are bulging and steam and baked beans are coming out of his tear ducts. Shit. yep that’s right you’ve just crapped yourself because your spleen has inverted.

Cut back to the screen to show Tom Selleck’s big fat face filling the screen, zoom out to reveal he’s sitting on a camel in just a pair of stars and stripes speedos grinning like a baboon. Him and the Camel amble up a beach to Wesley Snipes who is crouched next to a fire in the sand he’s also wearing Speedos only his are pink with a palm tree and a pina colada covering his balls.

close up of Wesley Snipes’ stupid grinning face, a coconut hurtles through the air and smashes him hard on the back of his head. He slumps face down into the fire evacuating his bowels into his speedos in the process. The camera follows the trajectory of the coconut and we see Arnold Schwasenegler tossing a coconut up and down in one hand and smoking a stogie. He says

“HAY Poin dexder, lets get thee paaardey shdarded!”
“Push it” by salt N pepa starts to play.

David Hasselhoff runs up the beach from out of nowhere, shouting “BOO YA - in your face grandma!” at an old lady and pointing to his crutch with a magnum.

Steven Seagal rocks up the beach in a jeep filled with bikini clad girls, knocking small children over.

Someone shouts BOO YA! off screen and a gunshot is heard followed by someone squeeling in agony.

Wesley Snipes sits up with blood dribbling from one nostril and a golf ball sized lump on the back of his head explodes. His eyes are blood shot and his chest is red raw from the fire he just fell on.

The Jeep skids next to the camel showering Snipes in sand and broken glass, he screams in pain but its too late, the camel mule kicks him through the brain making pate and sand and glass jet out his nostrils HARD!

Seagal steps out of the jeep wrapped in bikini babes and popping a boner. He’s wearing an orange moo moo, no trousers and cowboy boots. His boner twitches then subtitles crash onto the screen over a montage of Mr.T break dancing with street kids Seagal headbutting Zebras making their intestines shoot out of their bums like silly string, Tom Sellic and Arnold Swarzenegger smoking stogies and kicking camels. The subtitles exclaim:

JOIN THE ULTIMATE SUPERSTARS IN THE LATEST BEACH PARTY BASED CELEBRITY REALITY TV SHOW “IM INSANELY AMAZING SO WATCH ME BACK FLIP OVER STUFF SERIES IV”

smell of burning hair and hamster insides are running rampant in your nostrils and not to mention frontal lobe. You’ve soiled yourself as have I. FADE TO PURLACK!

Hello Doctor, thanks again for your most insightful and carrot-shaped interview last week.

Questions have been flooding in from our readers, so I shall waste no further time in dilly dallying along with all this pre-amble and move swiftly and surely yet gracefully, to the crux of the question, being the following items that I previously outlined as being questions from our dear readers, as appears below, so without further ado let us hurry along to the said mentioned above inquiries.

PS Cheese rules.

PPS If you have a safety helmet you are advised to place it upon your bonce now. If you forgot to pick one up on the way in, slap yourself on the wrist and go back and see Betsy at the entrance and she’ll sort you out with one. You really need it in here. Shit flying everywhere. Real, human shit.

Question 1
HI DOCTOR. I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW IT IS THAT YOU BECAME SO AWESOME AND FAMOUS DESPITE ONLY EVER LEARNING THE ALPHABET UP TO THE LETTER P
From Dorothy Spalding, North Dullwich

Dr.Hobo Well Dorothy, Id have to say its all down to a mixture of luck and telekinesis, but mostly telekinesis because I don’t need luck. I mainly write in this way channeling my thoughts through my man servant, Margaret, whom I found during a research expedition in the botacoo-condo basin nestled in the foot hills of machu pichu. Margaret doesn’t speak a word of English bless him, so I massage a Camombert into his shaven head to make him more receptive to my psychic projections. That and give his chair a good kick when he gets it wrong.

Question 2

How big is your wongle and where do you keep it when it isn’t farmed out to various sub-contractors?
From Malgrug Zabonga, Bournemouth

Dr.Hobo Dearest Malgrug, the size of a mans wongle is very much his wife’s business however, I can divulge that it is housed in various Beerfest tents throughout Bavaria during the summer months.

Question Teeth

I once heard you devoured an entire amateur cricket team in one sitting. I personally have been able to eat numerous Sunday league football teams. Which do you think requires the most intestinal fortitude, and when?
From James Sockford, Tipton-on-sea

Dr.Hobo This is a question Ive been getting a lot of recently what with Englands dreadful cricket record of late, amateur cricketers have been literally queuing up to be eaten. However, in response to your question James, I would have to say that Cricket teams require slightly more intestinal fortitude to digest. Basically they have more equipment to consume, which I find pleasant to enjoy as a garnish to a side salad or as a simple pan fried/flambade dessert. Most kinds of Amateur sports persons should ideally be consumed at low tide apart from of course, amateur jockeys who should be barbecued in August.

Question Bolt-flags

Good afternoon dear sire, I am to offer you a 100% risky free commercial offer. You see, I am the late husband of the aforementioned deceased Iraqi Oil Mega-baron, Sheik Dhabba G. Ackbar. He left in my posession 10 of your million English Pounds ($45,9000,000000,00,00,0000,.6) which I would liek very much to be set up in a foreign account. Please to excuse my contacting you in this manner but I must assure you I am 100% disease free and able to meet up at any time to discuss this further. PIn order to us for proceed, I simply need your bank account details, date of birth, and mother’s maiden names (if any.) Thanks and God BE WITHYOU AMEN.
From MRS MOHAMMED AISHA, IRAN

Dr.Hobo Not one word… Amen.

Question 11

Buy and cure yourself. Confidential and secure purchase!
Need to buy medications but don’t know where?
Best solution is Viagra or Cialis pills.
High-quality meds with huge discounts.
Same Viagra, Cialis as in US based pharmacies but at low price! From Aaron Edwards, USA


Dr.Hobo Time Waster!

Question 8

Why did you turn down your part in the Lord of the Rings saga when offered it by Peter Jackson? Is it my beard or general foul odour?From PEter Jackson, Wellington


Dr.Hobo I told you Peter, you are a bastard of the highest caliber and until you get rid of that bloody face fuzz and go with the cravat and bearskin hat (like I have suggested previously time and time again) I don’t want to hear another word, let alone movie offer out of your god awful sailors mouth. You really are a bit of a toilet you know that don’t you!? be gone bastard. I’ll deal with you on Tuesday at Pontifrat’s boat party. Prepare yourself for a damn good thrashing!

Bonus Question 8

Why didn’t you say hello to me at Tesco’s the other day? I was the guy with a large trenchcoat and a tattoo of your face on my erect penis which I was using to whack other customers in the Fresh Meat department in the face. From Psychotic Fan, Ipswich


Dr.Hobo Peter this really is getting beyond a joke. I mean it if you dont stop this im goiung to come over there and have Margaret punch your bearded face off.

Open up on a sunrise on Miami Beach. “Take my breath away” plays softly as the screen fades up. Fade to David Hasslehoff driving a red Lambourghini slowly down the road, his arm hanging out the side, large, permed hair blowing in the wind, and a small rodent making himself at home in his ear.
Pink letters fade onto the screen:
Starring David Hasslehoff as Brandon Hardmax
Fade to show the empty beaches of Miami with only a few random people and/or native americans walking around.
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Brandon Hardmax is a cop with a past.”
Black and white flashback scene of Hardmax in a police station having an arguement with his superiors, one of whom is Apollo Creed from Rocky. WHAM! Hardmax slams his fist down on the table. Apollo mouths “YOU’RE A LOOSE CANNON HARDMAX.” Badly framed close-up of David hasslehoff’s face that crops out his eyebrows and he says “BUT I’M THE BEST YOU GOT!”
Return to colour again and Hasslehoff, still cruising in the lambourghini, shakes his head as if to get rid of the memory.
Now cut to the inside of a police station, early morning still. The superintendent is asleep on his desk with an empty bottle of whisky in front of him, light angling in through the slatted window. Freeze frame on a close up of the snoring face and subtitles fade in:
Also Starring Apollo Creed (From Rocky)
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Superintendent Zabron B. Funkmeister is almost over the hill, with a job he hates and a wife who hates him.”
Cut to a shot of Arnold Schwarzlenegger jogging on the beach with a surfboard under his arm (the surfboard looks tiny next to his ginourmous muscles). Text fades in:
Featuring Arnold Swarchenegger as Sacha von Hurtzman
Deep voice voiceover man:
“Sacha von Hurtzman is an ex-Austrian surfing champion who fell in love with the Miami lifestyle—and drugs.”
Brief shot of a dog trying to hump a car exhaust pipe while fiddle music plays, then a shot of a hammer breaking a pane of glass to the sound of cheese being melted in slow motion, followed by a close up of a plate of hair in a microwave accompanied by three seconds of a man shouting “I’VE LOST MY LEGS” with a Mancunian accent.
Deep voice voiceover man:
“This fall, experience more action than you ever felt possible.”
The song: Two Tribes by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Quick clip montage showing: a car going over a ramp, igniting into a spinning fireball, crashing into the side of a skyscraper which explodes and melts, Arnold Swarchenegger smashing his surfboard over a small child’s head, some cheeseburgers being set on fire then exploding, a cruise ship ramming a bridge until it explodes, David Hasslehoff parachuting from the top of a skyscraper whilst wrestling two lions, Mr. T (guest star) throwing a punch at the same time as Chuck Norris (guest star) throws a punch then their two fists meeting head to head in the screen followed by sparks and a giant explosion, David Hasslehoff on a motorbike doing a wheelie past a petrol station which explodes (twice), a helicopter ramming a tank until they both explode (hard), mustachioed bad guys dying in a hail of bullets then exploding completely, goats getting their hind legs ripped off then exploding, close-ups of computers saying “ERROR ERROR OVERLOAD” and flashing red before exploding, shot of a jeep transforming into a hovercraft, zooming over the water before crashing into a hippo and exploding, the characters of Superintendent Zabron B. Funkmeister, Sacha von Hurtzman and Brandon Hardmax high-fiving each other, nodding, then high-kicking a group of generic thugs in the face in a kind of can-can chorus line, then a shot of an ape jumping up and down and hooting and tearing the floor up and shit, finally showing Hasslehoff emerging from the ocean riding on the nose of a dolphin, taking aim with a ridiculously huge sniper rifle and then a close-up of Alcatraz exploding.
Voiceover guy:
“This fall, experience more comedy than you ever knew existed.”
Montage continues showing Swarchenegger eating a hotdog then shoving the hot-dog in Hasslehoff’s eye. Close up of Funkenmeister laughing and a dog crapping on a duck. Shot of Mr. T sitting and drinking coffee in a coffee shop with David Hasslehoff creeping up behind him, then smashing Arnold Swazrchenegger’s surfboard over a kid, who explodes causing the froth on Mr. T’s cappucino to spill over the edge of the cup pretty hard, cut to Swarchenegger trying to surf without a surfboard and slowly sinking underwater, canned laughter will be playing at this point. Close up of Sylvester Stallone walking repeatedly into a wall instead of using the door right next to the wall, a few shots of horses back-kicking a Coca-Cola truck until it explodes and a bunch of fat kids fall out, and finally a shot of David Hasslehoff creeping up behind a nunsuspecting, beautiful woman, making shushing motions with his finger to his lips and his eyebrows raised, and then elbowing her hard in the spine until she falls over followed by a shot of a mule driving a Lexus and smoking a pipe.
Voiceover guy:
“Miami Death Spree is back with a new cast, new adventures, and new interesting moments of celluloid action.”
Shot of all main characters sitting in Hasslehoff’s Lambhourgihini with sniper rifles, the lambourghini goes really fast then takes off and mechanical wings fold out from underneath and then it flies into the sunset.
Voiceover guy (speaking really, really fast)
“Film is not associated with previous Miami Death Spree movies, the Miami Death Spree Conglomerate, or Quincy Jones production. Warning, watching this movie will cause severe cramp, kidney failure, or headlice. Not intended for general consumption. If swallowed, consult your doctor and do not induce vomiting.”
A STEVEN SEAGAL PRODUCTION blazes onto the screen written in fire. Fade to black, then your eyes melt.

1) Hello. What?

Yes… Im sorry wh-?

2) No, I’m sorry. I just thought you said something. How’s that?

No huh…when??

3) If you were a large piece of Camombert cheese, what kind of safety precautions would you take, or not take?

Action is the only option here action and haste! But we must be careful and proceed with caution…probably very slowly, quietly with as little action as possible so as not to raise the alarm.

4) How many are there?

Seven there were always only seven. But they’re supposed to look like that so. you know. just seven…oh wait six!

5) Complete the sentence: “A man is only as ____ as his ____ ” and indicate where the errors are and why.

“A man is only as __cumbersum___ as his __Uncle’s blunderbust__ ” the errors are here and heare and move in a circular motion thusly and are two fold in their execution. Its obvious when you think about it really.

6) (ignore this question.) How many times per lunar cycle do you poop?

7) (answer this question in hebrew, please.) Word association: Chag

Flandrepar.

8 ) When are “trousers”? (you must construct your answering using only the names of dogs in the Shakespearian English style. )
on the eve of the fortlring of your stup mothers uncles first aunt. fortlebad.

9) How big was it, and why?

It was yay big and thus high, for reasons Id rather not divulge.

10) What is the opposite of Stoat?

Toast

11) Good.

Yes thats good isnt it.

12) Why is hole?

because boat is who?

13) A man walks into a bar. He has a chicken under each arm, and he is lactating, badly. Discuss.

Wouldnt touch this one with a barge pole. Its a political minefield filled with Gorgonzola and Mascarpone.

14) Repeat above, only the man is now a woman, and instead of lactating, he/she is slowly forcing her legs into a meat grinder. How?

Again. no comment.

15) What gives? (Hint: laundromat.)

Spungarple. Starps.

16) You see a turtle having a stroll on a beach. Do you:
a) stamp the turtles brains out
b) stomp the turtles brains out
c) shlump the turtles brains off
d) grout the tuntles broons up
e) chank the skurtles brines in
f) purchase the latest copy of “Waltham Enquirer” and read it on a bench with a nice cup of tea
g) all of the above
h) none of the above
i) trick question - turtles are imaginary creatures
j) other - please specify

e) chank the skurtles brines in

17) Anything you would like to add?

nope.

1 Subtract?

yes. the whole bit about camombert, i regret that deeply.

19) You are in a car travelling at 70 m.p.h. and you run over a yak. The yak was running in the opposite direction at 13 m.p.h. and had just polished off a dinner of radishes and grass. I just thought I’d let you know.

Thanks, ive just filed that one neatly in the u bend.

29) Imitate a donkey bray.

http://members.shaw.ca/statistic/pictures/Donkey-4.jpg

2) (Free space)

b) Unnecessary question.

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1) In the late 80’s AFHUNGEXPART (Afro Hunfgarian Existential Poetry art movement) exploded onto the forehead of the public, what was your most memorable moment of that period. If you have one?

I would have to say that would be the time I visited the National Museum with my customary huge slice of cheese draped over my arm. I mean, you should have seen the looks on the faces of the school kids when they saw me coming. That was pretty existential. And the time I took a hot air balloon up over Trafalgar square and made pigeon noises and took a pretty big crap on all the crowds. Total expressionist art. Or the time Jim from Jim’ll fix It Headbutted me in the arm on live television. Awesome.

2.3) If you could be any item of cutlery what would you be?
Easy. A fish-boning knife, because it has the word BONE in the title. Or should I say Spoon? I just don’t know any more. Perhaps I should consult my diary. Yes, I did it. Fork.

3) If orange is cat and dog is tulip, what is curtl?
Curtl is chiggarantz. (I suspect. Tough question though. Kudos, buddy!)

Q) How many fingers am I holding up?

Feels like two. You should probably wash your hands when we’re done.

5) Stockings or Garters?

Both. Followed by a nice lemon tarte.

fig 11b) Croydon, Discuss.

Ah. Beautiful. I agree with your suggestion of demolishing the city centre and putting a giant statue of Rambocky there instead. Bravo.

SECTION 12-ANAMORPHIC PRESSURE ) After making a lateral incision to the cortical hemisphere, the hamster nebula is clearly visible through the translucent lower membrane of the gooch or goochsh. name two other types of incision.
Reuten’s Upwards Gash
The old “marmalade sideways” testicle popper

8 and 3/4s) I am 11 in 15 years, how tall am I?

threee and a half… no wait… seven… TWELFTEEN!

nine) TANK TOPS - Wesley Snipes or Ronald Ragen.

Can I choose Wesley Snipes doing an impression of Ronald Reagan, whilst wearing a tank top covered in stomach bile?

10) Thou shalt not covert thy neighbours Donkey. What also shalt thoueth not covert?

Thou shalteth not covet your postman’s jock strap.
Thou probably shouldn’t covet thy midwife’s sports bra.
Thou aren’teth recommended to covet at all large lumps of radioactive space-matter.

Vi) Complete the following “if you —– an elephant you are obviously —–.”

“if you suspect an elephant you are obviously the supporting cast of The Lion King on drugs.”

11) Lader Hosen or Panteloons? Loot or flute? (for double points)

Lader Flute, Panter Hosen-loot. (Thought you’d get me with that one didn’t you you old DOG! I HATE YOU!)

Well thanks for tuning in, thats all for this week, next week we’ll be taking a closer look at marbles and how they are grown in a small boys inner ear in devon.

Boy am I looking forward to that. Despite the fact that the magazine’s feature is the same every month, I never get tired of the story of that little boy’s ear marbles.

I’d just like to add, while answering this questionnaire, a bizarre knobbly growth emerged from my forehead and stretched about 14 meters in front of my face and I kept bumping into things and knocking stuff over. Very annoying.