Subliminal Criminals

Disease name:
Schingerton’s Nostril

Latin name:
Inflatius Nostratus

Colloq.:
Lenny Henry Disease
Kite face
Droopy nose holes
Swollen sniffer

Symptoms:
- Nostrils become large and loose, liable to randomly inflate during particularly strong winds.
- Upset stomach.
- Dry mucus dribbling painfully from eyes.
- Nostrils spontaneously inflating to the size of a football field and engulfing your entire village while people yell “AH OH MY GOD WHAT THE—IT’S NOSTRILS, SOME GIANT NOSTRILS ON MY FACE”
- Bizarre smells eminating from joints
- Foods you previously enjoyed now taste like cat shit
- Cravings for cat shit
- Incontinence

Possible Complications:
- Nostrils inflating during sleep and strangling you
- Permanently enlarged nostrils
- Social ostricisation
- Career in the circus becomes viable job prospect
- Kneecaps falling off
- Blindness (temporary and permanent)
- The ability to communicate with animals
- Self-disembowelment
- Unable to perform stand-up comedy to your previous standards but still able to make a living from yearly pantomines and occasional television appearances
- Death

Remedies:
- Tying your nostrils in a knot each morning until the infection passes
- Daily nostril reconstruction surgery
- Getting a goat (or yak) to chew on your nostrils
- Sing “Never Forget” by take that so loud that your vocal chords disintegrate
- Fashioning your nostrils into a scarf and / or muffler (not applicable during summer)
- Lying upside down and filling your giant nostrils with water and hiring them out as swimming pools or sewage processing plants
- Kill yourself

Herbal alternatives
- Tea, hot. Ingredients: Bat’s nipples, horses tongue (2x), fried sheep’s gerbils, one house brick (crushed), sweat from an angry builder, hand-crushed stoat, banana smoothy from mickey D’s and freshly squeezed orinch choos (NOT orange juice. Must be orinch choos.)