Subliminal Criminals

Directed by:
Steven Seagal
Arnold Swchrawrzeneglglers
Bruce Willis
Sylvester Stallone
Linda Lee

Writing credits:
Steven Seagal
Arnold Swchrawrzeneglglers
Bruce Willis
Sylvester Stallone
Linda Lee
That fat kid from Grange Hill
Spuggy

Genre:
Action / Crossover / Awesome (more)

Tagline:
The greatest of them all… EVER.

Plot Outline:
In the year 4567, xenomorphs (aliens) have infested New Terra (Earth.) A group of predators what were on their holidays there are stuck when their spaceship breaks down. They discover an abandoned museum where the DNA of Rocky Balboa and Rambo is stored in the form of a hyper-concentrated, frozen block of pure manliness and courage / sweat. They decide to resurrect them in the hopes that they can help them to escape. Meanwhile, in a deep, underground iron-smelting plant, a group of rogue Terminators are painting… (more) (view trailer)

User Comments:
“this movie was so awesome, my butt melted” - randall05

“Pile of shit.” - Steven Spielberg

“It’s like my wildest fantasies come true!” Sylvester Stallone

“needs more giraffes” - giraffeman20000

“oscars here we come! /sarcasm” james torgant

“the scene where rambo headbutts a predator and eats a hot dog is sweeet ” - A. Schwarzenegger

“way too many giraffes in this movie. one is enough.” giraffesSUCK

“my sensors tell me this movie RULES!” robofanman
… (more)

User Rating:
6.5,000,000 / 11 (5 votes)

Credited cast:

Gutface Longtooth (Predator)
Rupert Dithering

Snagglebutt Hairspray (Predator)
Carl Weathers

Shouldercrap Fucktits (Predator)
Matt Damon

Bitey McBallCruncher (Predator)
Ian Parsnips

Alien #1 ~ 114
Christian Bale

King Terminator
Sylvester Stallone

Rambocky
Arnold Swarchenneger

Terminator “James”
Bruce Willis

Terminator “Richy”
Bob Hoskins

Terminator “Gimpy”
John Leguiziamo

Innocent bystander 12
Cameron Diaz

Used shoe salesman
Hugh Hefner

Bobby Livintheamericandreamalldaybaby
Jesse Ventura

Captain John P. Awesome
Steven Seagal
(more)

Also Known As:
Captain John P. Awesome to the Rescue (Pre-1990s)
Robozentermrockalien (GER)
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK (Poland)

Runtime:
USA: 480 min
UK: -12 min

Country:
USA / Awesometown

Language:
Awesome English, Ebonics, Predatorian, Zenomorphian, Various mechanical beeps, Terminatorese

Memorable Quotes:

Terminator “James”: You hear that? Sounds like… sounds like a spaceship full of predators crashlanding on this wasteland of a planet followed by the sounds of aliens attacking said predators.
Terminator “Gimpy”: I COMPUTE
Terminator “James”: Oh, would you just drop the frigging act, Gimpy! Cyberdyne Systems gave us realistic intelligence and conversation chips back in the year 2345!
Terminator “Gimpy” (peeling off fake moustache): I COMPUTE THAT YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE WHO ALWAYS HURTS MY FEELINGS.

————–
Shouldercrap Fucktits (ripping out Innocent bystander 12’s spine hard): (in Predatorian): Ha, you are a pathetic meat bag.
Innocent bystander 12 (dying): Oooh, my spine!

————–

Rambocky: Wha-what the hell am I goddamn doing here goddamnit?
Bitey McBallCruncher (through a malfunctioning translating device): We… bring you… back to life. For purpose of help us.. to escape. We are a peaceful race of hunters… who enjoy… occasional bum love.
Rambocky (putting on his american football shirt and greasing up his hair) : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a goddamn minute here. Nobody said anything about no goddamn faggot aliens.
Bitey McBallCruncher (shaking malfunctioning translating device): What is wrong with… stupid machine… I no say this… I only want… marathon sessions of … anal pumping?
Rambocky (reaching into his backpack for his magnum): I had about enough of your homo alien ways. Time to die, ugly!
Captain John P. Awesome (grabbing Rambocky by surprise around the neck in a death-grip): I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Rambocky.
Rambocky: Holy crap, it’s you! I thought you died…
Captain John P. Awesome: Well, I survived.
Rambocky: No, seriously, I saw the insides of your brains being eaten by that troop of bionic monkey warriors on the planet Grandarb…
Captain John P. Awesome (close up of his eyes squinting hard): I said drop it, Rambocky.

————–

Goofs:
• Factual errors: You cannot plug a hole in a spaceships hull using “chewing gum and a little hope” as Bobby Livintheamericandreamalldaybaby claims.

• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Characters referring to Steven Seagal’s character, Captain John P. Awesome, as Mr. Seagal—this was intentional and in fact written into the script half way through filming by Seagal himself.

• Revealing mistakes: Sylvester Stallone’s pacemaker and artificial hips are visible in all scenes involving him riding the Hampster Mobile.

• Miscellaneous: Seagal claims to have improvised his script for the entire movie, as well as directed the movie single handedly “with my hands tied behind my freakin’ back.”

• Revealing mistakes: In the scene where Captain John P. Awesome aikido-flips 47 terminators in a row really hard, you can clearly see the tear in the space-time continuum that allows Steven Seagal to fly.

• Continuity: In scene 2, innocent bystander 34 is wearing a hat. However right in the very next scene, his hat is replaced by the carcass of a Romanian travelling donkey salesman.