Scene 14,000,0000, 678. 5 3/4 +_(*7)+12=3.
The screen is dark with some vague pump up music playing, (on a scale of 1 to 17.5, with 1 representing Campbell telling stories and 17.5 representing boning lucy liu during an earthquake and exploding hard, this music is about a 7.)
The camera is zooming around the room quite fast. first, it zooms in on a porcelain figure of a midget, which explodes. next, it zooms in on a chest of drawers so hard that it melts, twice.
Zooms up to the end of the bed, where we see two giant, hairy feet hanging out of a winnie the pooh duvet cover. The music’s level of pumpitude increases a notch. Some loud snoring can be heard behind the music. The camera pans up to reveal steven seagal wearing a bob the builder nightgown, clutching a dead horse to his chest. some blood drips around onto the bed a few times. suddenly seagal wakes up, rapidly eating the dead horse (for nourishment) and not even blinking while he does it. He flies softly out of bed and makes a whistling noise. his armoire opens and some clothes fly out, wrapping themselves around his adonis-like physique. just then, his bedroom door slams open hard, revealing lucy liu, cameron diaz, and the ghost of christmas past. they high five each other pretty hard and say in unison: “super happy mega news!!” Seagal smoothly pops a giant boner in their direction, gurning hard…….
WHAM! The pump up music is gone, replaced by sad violin type music. seagal wakes up for real this time, with a cockroach crawling over his eyeball and some cigarettes/cigars poking out of his ears. he eats them rapidly, for nourishment. he looks down and sees mr T sellotaped to his cowboy boots. he kicks him away, mumbling something about magnets and shit. he shakes his head and a high priced hooker falls out of his tibetan prayer-hat. she lands on the pavement hard. she starts saying something, but camera zooms in on seagals upper lip, which states ‘im too old for this shit’ and he knees her hard in the pulmonary semi lunar valve 3 times. She vibrates and withers away suddenly, the camera zooms in on her and she implodes before evaporating. Seagal laughs, but before he has even noticed, mr T (who is enraged from alcohol and lack of sleep) is on the rampage, blindly smashing any kind of human shapes / trees in front of him. This old lady only walks past him but he is like RRAAARGH! And knife-hand-strikes her in the optic nerve, severing her suspensory ligament HARD. Then, a defenceless old war veteran walks behind him but Mr T spins round and mule kicks him very hard in the tympanic membrane, totally disabling the guys cochlea. The guy was deaf anyway, but mr T doesn’t give a crap. He sees another human shape in front of him and prepares to smash its sarcoplasmic reticulum ultra hardly. But the camera stops, everything goes slow motion (except a dog in the background which runs around really fast, crapping everywhere (especially on this business mans suit.) pump up music begins again at around a level of 15.5 on the pumpitude scale (that is HIGH.) (equivalent to boning lucy liu during a volcanic eruption without exploding). Anyway, mr T realises that this thing in front of him is none other than his old friend steven seagal! He decides to change his attack plan to concentrate on pheonix-eye punching his diaphram. Seagal senses this and changes his posture to protect himself, simultaneously causing 15 cars parked on the street to explode just by looking at them. Mr T recognises his awesome power and gives up straight away. But seagal is not a wimp and finishes him off anyway with a hard uppercut to his left ventricle combined with an elbow to the vena carva. Mr T softly explodes with a crunchy noise, with pieces of gold and brains showering over a gleeful seagal. Pump up music plays so hard that it redifines the pumpitude scale to include it, and then the scale explodes.
WHAM! The music stops, seagal wakes up gurning hard…
THE END!
Wow, I got so pumped writing this script that one of my legs expanded to the size of the rock or Gibraltar before falling off and exploding, whilst at the same time, 14 people from kazekhastan imploded (which may or may not have been caused by my level of pumpedness.) anyway, definitely some elephants in india did some loud trumping noises before killing their mentors hard because of this script.
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