Subliminal Criminals

Disease name:
Schingerton’s Nostril

Latin name:
Inflatius Nostratus

Colloq.:
Lenny Henry Disease
Kite face
Droopy nose holes
Swollen sniffer

Symptoms:
- Nostrils become large and loose, liable to randomly inflate during particularly strong winds.
- Upset stomach.
- Dry mucus dribbling painfully from eyes.
- Nostrils spontaneously inflating to the size of a football field and engulfing your entire village while people yell “AH OH MY GOD WHAT THE—IT’S NOSTRILS, SOME GIANT NOSTRILS ON MY FACE”
- Bizarre smells eminating from joints
- Foods you previously enjoyed now taste like cat shit
- Cravings for cat shit
- Incontinence

Possible Complications:
- Nostrils inflating during sleep and strangling you
- Permanently enlarged nostrils
- Social ostricisation
- Career in the circus becomes viable job prospect
- Kneecaps falling off
- Blindness (temporary and permanent)
- The ability to communicate with animals
- Self-disembowelment
- Unable to perform stand-up comedy to your previous standards but still able to make a living from yearly pantomines and occasional television appearances
- Death

Remedies:
- Tying your nostrils in a knot each morning until the infection passes
- Daily nostril reconstruction surgery
- Getting a goat (or yak) to chew on your nostrils
- Sing “Never Forget” by take that so loud that your vocal chords disintegrate
- Fashioning your nostrils into a scarf and / or muffler (not applicable during summer)
- Lying upside down and filling your giant nostrils with water and hiring them out as swimming pools or sewage processing plants
- Kill yourself

Herbal alternatives
- Tea, hot. Ingredients: Bat’s nipples, horses tongue (2x), fried sheep’s gerbils, one house brick (crushed), sweat from an angry builder, hand-crushed stoat, banana smoothy from mickey D’s and freshly squeezed orinch choos (NOT orange juice. Must be orinch choos.)

Fade up from black to show an abandoned street-ball court. A metal chain-hoop blows in the wind.
“Africa” by Toto plays hard in the background.
Quick zoom up to the backboard of the net and a face fades into view, superimposed on the top left corner of the board.
It’s Steven fucking Seagal.
Voiceover begins. The voice is incredibly deep and gravelly as if being spoken by a man who eats gravel, cigars and bottles of whisky for breakfast:
“Three years ago, Bobby Gunthrax lost the world streetball championships.”
Sudden cut to a crowd of people booing in slow motion accompanied by booing sound effects. Cross fade to a close up of Seagal’s face.
“Haunted by the loss, Guntrax went to the mountains of Tibet to contemplate his fate.”
The music changes to chinese flute music and cut to a shot of Seagal standing naked on top of a mountain with his eyes closed and arms spread wide.
“There, he learnt the ancient secrets of Tibetan Karate from a hundred-year-old master.”
Brief training montage to the tune of “the only way is up” by Yazz, showing Seagal headbutting a tree, then himself, then showing him in the horse-stance position with bowls of human turds balancing on his face, then a close-up of bricks being smashed by a goat and Seagal punching the goat in the face, seagal running over a tiny rope bridge separating two mountains then when he reaches the other side, backflipping back to the first side while yelling KIAI, Seagal frantically shoving various twigs into his mouth and munching them as quick as possible, seagal kicking a tree and rubbing his shin in pain, seagal sitting in the meditation position with hundreds of needles sticking out of him as an old man repeatedly smashes him in the face with a plank of wood, Seagal tensing up hard as a bunch of dirty village kids kick him in the nads, then the same but with donkeys, and finally a shot showing seagal doing a kata with his sensei, stark naked, and the camera zooms from eye level with seagal all the way back to show the entire earth, which dissovles into seagal’s squinting face.
“Now, the call of the court pulls him back to South Central L.A.”
Fade to another shot of the basketball court with people playing ball. It is very competitive. Generic rap music starts playing hard.
The people crowded around the court, mostly black, slowly part and seagal strolls through, very tall, wearing a tibetan robe, a cowboy hat with tassles on it, woolly boots and with a guitar strapped to his back, parting the people like moses parting the water. People can be heard whispering “Hey that’s him… that’s Bobby Gunthrax” Close up of a black kid with a huge hightop haircut saying “Whoa.. Bobby Gunthrax… he was the best streetballer I ever done seen”
WHAM! The chords from “Sweet dreams are made of this” start chunking out of the speakers HARD. Shot of Seagal standing on the edge of the court. The game has stopped playing. Then, in time for when the drums come in, someone throws a ball at Seagal. It bounces off his head, drops to the floor, bounces once, twice, then comes to rest -
ZORP!
Now a montage of some hardcore streetball with Seagal aikido-flipping anyone who gets in his way, slam dunking on motherfuckers faces and generally high-fiving with the crowd.
Voiceover continues:
“This Summer, Bobby Gunthrax is back on the court. Only this time, he’s playing for keeps.”
Quick close up of the love interest, Barbara Streisand with a leapordskin leotard, pink headband and purple wristbands with knee-high ruffled socks, tapping her toes to the music and having horrible eye makeup. She winks. Brief close up of a meerkat screaming and then two shots of locks closing on doors, one final shot of the basketball court (now empty), then a close up again of Seagal mouthing the words “It’s game time”.
Fade to black and the title “Hard Slammin’ Karate Hitters” slams into the screen accompanied by a reverberating snare drum noise.

Ah Nam!…Good times you son of a bitch, good times! Never did get to eat that shaven monkey though did we ya bastard?
Ah well, back to business! here are my points in quick succession im shooting from the hip and sitting on the john here, so just hold your dick for a second and listen close!

1. The Headbutt thing… check and check, already forgotten…now I dont know why I’m even popping this boner. We maybe able to rework that into a L’Oreal commercial or something.

2. Not sure about the lumber jack angle. Is there any way we could make the protagonist dipshit a pastry chef of some sort? its more believable that he’ll be in the jungle. Plus, everybody likes pastry. Heck, my man servant Grindolfo even likes pastry and he’s Guatamalen for christssake.

G. I need a giant inflatable of Corey Feldmans butt to be paraded up and down wall street, ASAFP. I mean like yesterday God damn it.

5. Invite this Snortgrangler guy to the MC Hammer commemorative porcelaine plate promo. He sounds like a guy who’d really appreciate a fine commemorative porcelaine plate promo as much as the next guy.

Us red Blooded Sexual Terodactyls have got to stick together what dya say Ya Bastard? aint that right? HAHAHAHA.
F.Y.I. Ive got a bunch of accountants on elephants to drag my yacht out of the dock and up the street to your office building on 57th and 2nd for 8 this evening. We’ll sail to Acapulco even if it does mean dragging my yacht twenty blocks for dinner. See you ate 8 you Maverick Son of a Bitch Ruuudy.

Howy “what i say goes” Kinkade Snr.

Howy, ya fuckin hero. I knew I could rely on you. I always have… just like back in ‘Nam. You remember that? Back in ‘Nam? The Peninsula Hotel, cocktails at dawn, naked pigmies doing the tango on our waterbed… Good times, good times man.

As for the heabutting? Forgeddaboutit.

Stupid idea. I don’t know where I got that one from. Some bigshot burst into my office and starts headbutting all the plant pots in my office, then my desk, then my personal assistant Julian and I get a hard on, you know what I mean? I can’t help it, I’m a red-blooded male. Speaking of which, cancel the project, but keep the $20 big ones coming and put me in touch with Corey Feldman’s butt. I got a couple of ideas vis-a-vis his butt, some touching, and huge wads of cash.

So I get a visit from some beefcake the other day. He talks like a goddamn nazi but let me tell you, he is BIG! I mean, his guns are bigger than my jowls, and I have some big jowls lemme tell ya am I right? His name is Adam, or Arnold, or Storkenjager or something. So he’s chomping on a cigar and bench-pressing my secretary and suddenly I got it… the box-office smash of the summer.

One man alone in the jungle. He’s a lumberjack. And he gets cut off from his squad of other lumberjack buddies. Trapped in the perilous jungle, he realizes… he isn’t alone. Yeah that’s right.

There’s an alien in the jungle. And he’s ANGRY! No wait. He’s…. MAD AS HELL! But here’s the best part… the alien as actually… his TWIN BROTHER! In an experiment gone wrong.

It was the soviets that did it. And the beefcake guy is actually the world waterskiing champion of New Jersey. Can he use his waterskiing skills to stay alive long enough to get rescued by his buddies? Will the alien learn the secret of Moo-moo cave before it’s too late? I got no fuckin idea but someone’s gonna have to write the thing and figure that out. Throw in a coupla assploding helicopters, a motorbike chase scene, two (maybe seven) nuclear esplosions, a dog being decapitated, a soundtrack by Wham, a daring bank robbery involving the robbers dressing up as women (can we get Corey Feldman for this?), seventeen worms being stamped on by a rabid llama, a drug deal being busted by some cops with huge (I mean huge - about 3 metres long on each side) mustaches, fourteen, maybe fifteen boat chases, some kind of monument asploding (Empire State? Liberty?), some zombies, an underground boxing match, and we’re laughing all the way to the bank.

That’s a rap. Get that guy, Johnny Wergenstrom, to write it and Jon Landis to direct. If it’s out by next week I’ll be a happy man.

Love,

Ruudy.

PS I’ll be flying my private jet to the top of your office building on 57th and 3rd tomorrow morning. Seeing as it’s only one block away from where I am now, I got to make a detour to the grand canyon to make the trip worthwhile, but let’s do lunch… Book out Harrry’s Cafe over on 73rd and 9th then stuff it full of three-legged horses to fool the press, and we’ll go to Acapulco for some steaks.

And bring that secretary of yours… what’s his name… Mario. Yeah!

PS Corey Feldman.

The words “in the not too distant future…” slams into the screen in silver, accompanied by ‘the final countdown’ by Europe

“Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal’s DNA is spliced to create the ultimate Chick magnet / Killing machine…”
close up of a tattoo on a pulsating bicep. The tatoo depicts a panther with a boner jumping out of an american flag, above it is a golden eagle on fire which also has a boner.

“From the fires of scientific passion…Cheven Norgal is born…”
pan back from the tatoo to reveal a street on fire with blown up cars, dead ninjas, communists, cyborg vikings and wrestlers lying everywhere. Cheven Norgal, played by Dolph Lundgren has an armerican flag jammed right through his right thigh and is popping a boner. Impaled on his boner are about five, no… seven Ninjas, Cyborg Vikings and a yak.

Zoom into Chevens mouth which mumbles “Lets rock and roll”

The music screams “the fin-al Count-down!”

montage of Cheven boning tanks, Rhinos, Gorillas with axes and Viking Robots. Continents folding in on themselves. Cheven punching his way out of Pepsi trucks. Cheven Grinning at the camera and flexing his muscles as hundreds of hot chicks just ooze out of his underpants and tight yellow vest that has a picture of a pina colada on it. Cheven Slamming a car door on some kids nuts. Kurt Russell doing a back flip off a motor bike landing perfectly, only to be drop kicked into a meat grinder by Cheven. Sylvester Stallone wearing a viking helmet doing as start jump out of a giant exploding T-rex statue. A giant picture of Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal holding nunchuckas, bazookas, machine guns, spears and knives being engraved into a mountain by Chevins Chisel like chin. A Ninjas severed head being slam dunked into a meat grinder splattering brains all over some 80’s chicks who giggle and laugh.

The words “SEE IT OR DIE” slam into the screen so hard that both your kidneys explode and then your face melts and you shit yourself. Awesome.