Subliminal Criminals

We sensed it, we’ve seen signs. Now…its about to happened. From ornamental film maker M. Knight Shimaldrahand comes another exquisite tale of suspenderfulness. Filmed in the fastest manner possible M.Knight Shimaldrahand throws suspense out the window in an attempt to force more suspense into the movie thus making you feel the suspense as soon as its even happened. Are you pumped yet? well you were!

A flock of sheep go missing, bees appear to disappear before the camera simply by flying away. A crop circle, a Mayan temple, a glass of water, a chimp in a bowler hat. Grated cheese, a air, constipation. Jumbled up letters of the alphabet, a string vest, coconuts, a box being put inside another box over and over really fast, an iguana…these are just some of the strange things that are about to happened…this is the happened.

“Billions of stars” says constellation magazine.

“See it” says opticians wives monthly.

If you think you saw one movie this year you probably already have…..

Archibald stood by the hearth of the bulging fireplace his mahood clearly poking out from behind his loosley tied dressing gown. Gwyneth sat knitting a frankfurter on the arm chair, her eyes burning like two steamed cabbages, hot, steamy and moist, unlike the fire which simply raged. She felt the burning in her loins as Archibalds hair piece burst into flames. A big oil painting of a gentleman wearing a monocle and holding a cucumber firmly in his hands, glared down upon them sweat glistening on his brow.
The lovers eyes met. Smoke rising from Archibalds now dwindelling wig and open undies, they could contain themselves no more! As Gwyneth stood, her tartan trousers fell to the floor, Archibalds dressing gown evaporated like a freshly boiled bag of sprouts revealing his knee high socks. He proceeded to grab his bugal and belt out a few shrill trumpety trumps of triumph sending biscuit crumbs flying into Gwyneths squinting cabbages…er I mean eyes.
At that very moment the old fashioned phone nestled firmly between Gwyneths globes chirped out a Barry Manilow ringtone Archibald dashed for his readers digest, exited backwards through the window and rode away on a scotch egg!
Gywneth sobbed silently as she rolled over and over on the carpet turned on the television box and carried on watching her favourite episode of Columbo.
FADE TO SQUIRREL !1!!ONE1!11!ONE!!1q11111!!

It was dawn on the McGintyre estate.

Peregrine McGintyre raked the strawberries stark naked, as he did every morning. Good for the constitution, his uncle Hawksbill “Gimpy” McGintyre used to say, until he was disemboweled by a rabid toad. Gertrude, the groundskeeper’s daughter, sidled up to Peregrine, her breasts heaving like a sack full of jellified blood.
“Oh, Perry… your hands looks so masculine gripping that long, hard pole… so very masculine in their pulsating thickness, like a mongoose caressing a string of licorice.”
Peregrine let out a throaty laugh, like warm piss trickling down a brick turned on its side. As he did so, some of his teeth flew out and into Gertrude’s wig, causing it to burst into flames and scurry into her ears.
“Oh, how careless of me…” said Gertrude, and one of her breasts fell from her bodice like a dead slug sliding off a tree branch. The morning mist curled around their feet like cool morning mist curling around someone’s feet.
“Gertrude, come closer. I will use my rake to put out the flames.” He began beating her about the shoulders with the long rod.
“But Perry, what about the flames in my heart? You know, the flames of passion…”
“I’ll see what I can do.” And with that, he thrust his rake into her chest cavity, causing her lungs to explode out of her spine and a ferret in a nearby tree to have a heart attack. “It was never meant to be, dear.” And with that, he continued raking the strawberries, whistling a merry tune. Fade to a kilt, then black.

“I need someone to escort me to town to see Archibald Plucketts,” said Lady Crippleshit. “A beautiful young bachelorette with breasts like wads of unleavened dough and a minge like a hollowed out sausage filled with castor oil should not be walking around the capital alone. Peter, you will come with me.”
Peter, the family chauffeur, shook his head. “I’m terribly sorry madam, but today, I must comb the hair of the family ostrich. If I do not comb it, it will become enraged.”
“Dash and blast. Whoever can take me to the town now?”
Just then, there was a knock at the door. Peter opened it. There stood Matthias Kleghorn, the village doctor’s son. He was a handsome fellow, with a chin like a U-shaped bag of crushed walnuts and automobile grease, a nose like a hawks bill with two large, fleshy nostrils cut out of it, and eyes as deep as hoof-divots in freshly laid cowshit. He had a beautifully pasty complexion, as one whose life is spent around dangerous chemicals and strange metal implements to be shoved in various orifices.
“Hello, good sirs and madams. I’m heading into Londinium and was wondering if any of you fine breasts needed a lift. I’ve got a big cart with two horses, a driver with a lovely moustache, and an ice bucket with some elderberry wine in it. The back seat folds down to reveal a silk-lined swimming pool full of frogspawn. What what.”
Lady Crippleshit gulped and her armpits began secreting sweat like milk from a dog’s eyeballs.

Directed by
John McTiernan (Predator)
with
Brian Blessed (Fat guy with a beard)

Writing credits
Agatha Christie
Moomin Clown-brak
Billy “Supermachine” Freakinkins

Produced By
Morgan Freeman (posing as a dog)

Genre: Action / Adventure / Time-travelling / Dinosaurs / Love story / Romantic Horror Slasher / Swimming pools / Gnarly (more)

Tagline: This little dinosaur has survived extinction… but can he survive HIGH SCHOOL?? (more)

Plot Outline (supplied by Din0-Fan-2000): Two totally gnarly dudes, COREY and BRAINER, are taking their annual skiing trip to Mount McHighfrost with their family. One day, out causing mischeif, they come across an old abandoned ice cave. They venture inside, while some tinkly piano music and soft synth layers echo around. Suddenly they come across a giant block of ice. It contains a real live dinosaur who is totally frozen up!! Then a storm comes and totally blocks the entrance of the cave and it gets all dark and cold and pretty scary (I know I was scared, anytway!!!) The two young bucks decide to make a fire but they foolishly didn’t realise that the fire would melt the ice!> (of cours!!!) So they fall asleep with the fire on in between them. Unbeknownst to them as they fall asleep, the fire starts melting the block of ice. at this point you get pretty darn pumped as the melted ice reveals the dinosaur bit by bit… first just its nostrils and it breathes in and out loudly. Then it thaws down to the mouth and a tongue comes out and some saliva dribble,s and it makes a kind of weak braying sound like a baby donkey. Naturally the dinosaour has been asleep for about a million years or whatever so it is pretty hungry and weak. Suddenly the ice thors out realy slowly and then reveals its arms which scratch around the place constantly. Then before you realise it the whole dinosaur has be revealed!! and it walks over to the boys and starts licking them and kicking them but not too hard. Then they wake up and they are like WOAAAHH!! but they high five each other and hten they try to high five the dinosaur. At first of course it doesn’t know how to do it (duh, its a dinosaur!!) but eventually it gets the hang of it so they do some high fives and then they roast marshamallows on the fire and say “Awesome!” in unison. Luckily the boys had a creepy disabled brother that they carry around in a backpack. They feed it scraps of meat. Then they look at each other and nod and wink and say “Are you thinking what I’m thinking buddy?” and then they strip the brother of all his clothes and throw him off a cliff and give the clothes to the dinosaur including an awesome cap. They put it on the dinosaur and then the dinosaur turns it around backwards!! They look at each other, then at the dinosaur, then they say “RADICAL!” And high five pretty hard. The dinosaur kind of says “HORHOM” with some hooting or howling sounds, so they decide to call it “Grunter.”

Together, Grunter, Corey and Brainer embark on their biggest adventure yet… HIGH SCHOOL!

The scene is set for utmost hilarity and pure fascination. Will Grunter get invited to the prom by Suzy Yvette, the most beautiful girl in school? Will the skeptical Principal Darkpump figure the hell out that the new boy Grunter is not all that he seems? And how will Brian Belcher, the school bully, react when Corey and Brainer’s new friend Grunter (the dinosaur!) is there to protect them?!

(You can find out the answers to all these questions and more by watching the movie!!)

Dino-fan-2000 xxxx

User Comments:
“Pure fucking shit. I’d rather be inhaling stinging nettles through my armpits than watching this unbearable drivel. I actually cried with hatred.” - BigPuff1900

“Like DEnver the Last Dinosaur, only much, much gayer.” - Morton Bilkranz

“How does the principle not realise that Grunter is a dinosaur when the fucking thing has a huge tail and takes a huge, steaming dump in his office when he is trying to tell him off for skipping detention? ” Frazzmatazz

“I don’t think having the dinosaur flip out and eat the two main characters during the final swimming competition scene was a good ending to the movie. At all.”

User Rating: 2.77/10 (7 votes)

Cast overview

Corey Jenkins
Corey Feldman

Billy “Brainer” Braithwate
Fred Savage

Grunter the Dinosaur (Voice)
Pat from Eastenders

Suzy Yvette
Mr T

Principal Darkpump
Richard Dreyfuss

Brian Belcher
Steven Seagal

Mr. Grillchild (PE Instructor)
Brian Blessed

Ralton (post sex change)
Jonothan Parkwitch

Muhammed Al Shalbreek
Raidengator “Numbers” McGee

Rotting potatoe that falls on Darkpump’s head in the exorcism scene
Dorian Krinkenhaver

Corrupt Policeman 12
Slasencourt Marlenbone the Second

Rahuna, Snake Goddess of Agablarn
Ruudy O’Zoltran (TRAZZ!)

Also Known As:
Einer Dino-kinder ert ein FUCK (Germany) (working title)
What, A Dinosaur?! (MLDV) (working title)
Est una dinosora in me escolao! (SPN)
Prtzk faakt Strookztn Tyranno Danzer! (PLND)

MPAA: Rated 18 for repetitive and motion-sickness inducing scenes involving violence against hunks of turf dug up from a smelly old vegetable garden, and horses smoking cigars and talking with american accents possibly whilst wearing visors and playing cards.

Runtime: 98 min / Czeck Republic : -0.56 min (extended edition)
Country: USA, Mountains, That place next to India… what is it… France.

Language: American, howling, Post-industrial Kuwaiti Pidgin, Crunch crunch

Trivia:

• Agatha Christie and John Mctiernan despised each other so much they often resorted to slashing each other in the face with knives. In fact there are not one, not three, but eight scenes during which key points of dialogue are drowned out by the sound of arguements and faces being slashed hard.
• Grunter the Dinosaur was not a real dinosaur, but a complicated system of corpses, ropes, pulleys, and the contents of an underdeveloped, diabetic giraffe’s stomach sac.
• Corey Feldman’s cocaine habit was so strong during filming that it eventually had to be written into the script. Notable scenes include him snorting a line from Principal Darkpump’s dandruff-crusted centre parting, doing a line the size of an average human’s leg whilst swinging from the roof of an ambulance, and an entirely improvised scene where various crew members stand around crying whilst Feldman twitches on the floor covered in white powder mumbling something about the fucking lights of Nebraska not paying their looney gates on time again, fuckshit.
• Actor’s Trademark: Brian Blessed eating a live goat
• Director’s Trademark: Sustained bursts of heavy machine gun fire in slow motion to the sound of fingernails being wiped down a chalkboard (or a marmoset trying to cough up a hairball)
• The hand that Fred Savage uses to pat Grunter’s back whilst consoling him after SuzyYvette has turned him down for the prom is actually an old ham fashioned into a vaguely hand-like shape. If you look closely you can see that there are only four fingers, and stink lines emanating from the top.
• Directors trademark: Shoes having a life of their own when their owners have gone to sleep.
• Directors trademark: Fast motion clips of farmers drop-kicking chickens into swimming pools filled with blood and cheese to the sound of somebody eating a hornet.
• Actors trademark: Raidengator “Numbers” McGee wearing sunglasses on his bottom.
• Raidengator “Numbers” McGee was declared clinically insane after filming wrapped. He had spent most of the shoot trying to eat his trailer and attempting to crap in sleeping crew members ears or mouths.
• The baby cart that Ruudy O’Zoltran tries to sell to Fred Savage during the shootout scene (and which subsequently spontaneously combusted during filming) was a real baby cart and had Brian Blessed’s baby in it. Blessed was quoted as saying “Drat it all, I was going to eat that.”

Goofs:

• Revealing mistakes: In the eating competition, Fred Savage’s brain can be seen each time he opens his mouth. Also a trumpeting noise sounds whenever he blinks.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Many critics of the movie claim that a dinosaur could not successfully disguise himself as a student for a second, let alone an entire term. These critics however fail to realise that this was the eighties, which gave us flying time machines, half robot half human but all-cops, hover boards, wraparound shades, and awesome.
• Continuity: In the opening scene, Fred Savage’s father is decapitated by a dustbin lid flying across the screen. Blood splashes against the entire cast and the camera zooms in on his gurgling corpse. However in the very next scene, at the Battle of the Bands in the High School, Savage’s father appears not only as himself but as the drummer for “Mounting Confusion” and the (female) singer of “Frustrated Period Glass-ripperz”
• Due to a mixup with the scripts, characters often perform each other’s lines instead of their own. This is most noticeable in the scenes where the character of the dinosaur talks about himself in the third person with an Austrian accent.

Quotes:
[first lines]
Corey Jenkins: Man, I fucking love skiing so bad.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Tell me about it, dude. Fuck, high five my ass.
Corey Jenkins: Hey man… do you see that shit? It’s like a fucking mountain or something.
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Bodacious!
Corey Jenkins: Do you want to touch my pee pee?
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: So bad.

——————————

Grunter the Dinosaur (snarling and howling and wearing a large coat. Clearly Fred Savage has stashed himself inside the coat and is talking instead of Grunter.) Hey, um, Suzy. You are like totally hot. So do you wanna go to the prom with me?
Suzy Yvette (twirling gum around her finger): Do you think Chip Strongchin will want to go to the dance with me?
Grunter the Dinosaur (nervous): What, that meathead? Ho ho ho. He’s just a meathead. Not good enough for you. (under his breath My sweet, sweet angel.
Suzy Yvette: Yeah, but Yvonne said his dick tastes like candy.
Grunter the Dinosaur (sighing): I wish my dick tasted like candy.
Brian Belcher (suddenly appearing from the boys toilets): What the fuck did you say you fucking freak?
Grunter the Dinosaur (panicking): Look! A spaceship!

——————————

Principle Darkpump: What have you got to say for yourself, Corey?
Corey Jenkins says nothing and kicks the floor.
Principle Darkpump: What did you and that new boy, Grunter, need from the science storage room, anyway?
(Camera zooms in on Jenkins head and an echoing voiceoever sounds If only he knew… I needed some formaldehyde to keep Grunter’s skin from falling off due to the effects of being frozen in time!
Principle Darkpump: So, the silent treatment, eh. I have just the thing for silent boys. (Principle Darkpump unzips his trousers and sits on the arm of Jenkins’ chair.)
(Zoom in, off-screen voiceover again Time to take one for the team, Corey my boy.

——————————

Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Hey mom, this is my new friend, urr…. Grunter. He’s not a dinosaur or anything.
Mom (playing an N.E.S.): Are you sure? He kind of looks like a dinosaur. I mean he is scaly and has a tail and…
Billy Brainer Braithwaite: Goddamit mom you son of a bitch, why do you have to be so hard on me? Is it because Dad left you and you are nothing but a stupid  old witch?
Mom: Did you pick up my beef jerky from the grocery store?
(Grunter hoots and kicks over a vase which smashes on the floor.)
Mom: Nice doggy.

(Also known as “Stanley Crustaceon och das Ornate Platter ib Algabard” in poland.)

Thunder and lightning crashes onto the screen, a bunch of old guys with beards, long dressing gowns, pointy hats and stilts with high heeled shoes are standing in a semi circle in a candle lit library…they are all wearing make up.

“A dark time is upon us. I have gathered you here today my brothers to discuss that which thoust has forsaken us forth-a-with to the undertakings of such tasked, mentioned and aformentioned before, beforest thou bestowed uponuth thus like in a such a motion thusly thrust! hitherto.”

“THIS MANTANGUARY 5th….” Sparkles onto the screen.

“The what? Oh, you mean the prophecy, right.”
“Yes, that whicheth hest been bestowed upawn us to send the choesn one forth to-”
“Im the chose one ain’t I? I always knew it!” zoom into an obnoxious teenage boys face, a monobrow in the shape of a lightning bolt jitters across his forehead. “Lets go shrink some pirates!”

“Tom Cruise stars as Stanley Platter”

A man dressed like a Hobbit falls to the floor in a forest: “oh god stanley-my spleen I cant go on, the pain is too much to bare!”
Stanley whips a horn shaped flask from under his cape: “quick drink this!”
Taking a large gulp the man asks “what is it?”
waiting till the man in the Hobbit clothes has finished drinking Stanley replies: “its urine extracted from the corpse of a rotting saber toothed narwal. It wont actually do anything but it may ease the pain.”
before vomiting badly the Hobbit can be heard screaming through tears “oh you utter bastard! make it stop!”
A wizard in a really tall pointy hat “Oh dear that seems to have only aggravated it.”
Stanley: “You taught me that, that would help a busted panceas-you prick!”
Wizard (above the sounds of gurgling) : “Well i er…didn’t he say spleen? Are you sure you’re the chosen one?”

The word “in” falls out of a unicorns bum hole accompanied by a magical type sound effect.

standing on a moving escalator the Wizard states: “This is fabulous Stanley, but how are you doing it?”
looking at the wizard in disgust Stanley replies: “by MAGIC, obviously. Dick head! I am magic you know.”

“Stanley Platter and the Ornate Crustaceon of Algabard” explodes onto the screen with the sound of magic happening.

the trailer ends with a sinister laugh and you realize that your underpants and stilts have miraculously gone missing. FADE TO SQUID!

Director:Paul Daniels
Writers:Ronaldo Hymelich / Jean Claude Van Damme
Genre: Thriller / Action / Sci-fi / Romance

Cast

Max Killhoof: Jean Claude Van Damme
Sinbad Tendril: Steven Seagal
Lt. Feltard Mandible: Chuck Norris
Senator Crandle: Timothy Dalton
Rajal spoontarp junior: Gary Coleman
Rajal spoontarp senior: James Earl Jones

filmed in Hilariovision 5.2

plot outline: In the future of 1997 time travel has become a reality for a select few. Senator Crandle hopes to rig the 1987 elections and become president of the USA before anyone else gets the idea. Special Time Squad Police constables Sinbad Tendril (Steven Seagal) and Leutenant Feltard Mandible (Chuck Norris) have to take down Senator Crandle without bumping into their former, trigger happy selves.

tag line: If at first you don’t succeed…go back in time again!

A ball of blue lightning eminates from behind a dustbin in a dark alley accompanied by a zorting sound, Leutenant Feltard Mandible slumped and naked on the floor reaches for a newspaper and says: “wow…1987, I … we made it.”
Sinbad Tendril (stepping through the time portal): “Yeah, but why are you naked?”
(scientists can be seen through the time portal laughing and pointing)
Feltard Mandible: “the scientists they told me that…oh brother!”

—————

Future Feltard Mandible shouting at 1980’s Feltard Mandible from behind an oil drum: “Give up dip shit you could seriously get hurt.”
1980’s Feltard Mandible crouching behind a Cadillac, reloading his Magnum: “Unlikely dic-head besides if your really me then what am i thinking right now?”
Future Feltard Mandible: “Thats not how it works MO-R-ON this is time travel not telapathy. Jeezus i was stupid.”

out of nowhere future Sinbad Tendril jumps out and kicks 1980’s Feltard Mandible in the knee snapping his leg at the shin.

Future and 1980’s Feltard Mandible simultaneously drop to the floor clutching their legs: “JEEEEEEEEEEEZUS!!!!!!!!”

—————

Sinbad Tendril siddling up to a poster of a chimpanzee in a dress with the words “The inner chimp book signing tonight!”
“Well theres no sign of Senator Crandle I think I’m gonna hit the hay…hows your leg by the way?”
Feltard Mandible: “You’re an idiot”
Sinbad Tendril: “Right, ya know I’m not that tired anymore I think I may just head into town meet ya back at the hotel later. Don’t do anything stupid”

—————

Lt. Feltard Mandible: “Ah fuck …we’ve fucked up time and space. This is exactly what those geeks were telling us not to do. SHIT!!!”

—————-

A monkey holding a clip board and wearing a lab coat: “Now Killhoof, we’re sending you back to fix what those idiots have done, I mean lets face it, it can’t possibly get any worse than this, we’re all monkeys for chris’ sake.”

Max Killhoof (Jean Claude Van Damme): “You can count on me doc…(stepping towards the time portal) and tell wendy I love her.”

cut to a monkey wearing a dress under a lab coat checking various computer read outs, scrawled on her name tag is the name Wendy…shes wearing a wedding ring.

—————-

Senator Crandle: “You see, I’m an ambitious Harvard-educated visionary who deserves to be the most powerful man in the world and you… you’re a fucking idiot who never figured out that the only way to make anything of himself with all that fancy kicking was on Broadway.”
Max Killhoof: “Thanks for clearing that up…prick.”

—————–

[as he kicks Senator Crandle in the brain]
Max Killhoof: “I’m still kicking. I must be on Broadway!”

—————–