Colonel Bibimbab and his exhulted colleagues (Sar Rim Jar Jablabad) in their ultimate wisdom extend this invitation to you for the ENIGMATIC HUMAN GENOME LUNAR BASED SELF ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT PROGRAMME FOR GIFTED CHILDREN WITH GIFTS! Levitate as high as your dreams will allow you to, on this three week once in a lifetime HUMAN GENOME LUNAR BASED EGO DEVELOPMENT PROJECT!
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Headlocks of Love
Published April 22, 2009 chuck norris , making their intestines shoot out of their bums like si , pumping , you should really make one for me Leave a CommentIn this all new hit U.S.reality TV show, contestants compete for the affections of none other than the mighty Chuck Norris. Over the course of eight weeks finalists will be eliminated from the house either via permanent sleeper hold or a clean round house kick to the thorax.
A hiking boot and a fist clash in the middle of the screen engulfed by a ball of flames… cut to Chuck holding a blond girl in a sleeper hold with his foot jammed firmly in the side of another girls neck saying “This could be you mandy, if you don’t buck up your ideas.” (Mandy is crying) Cut to Steven Seagal and Chuck laughing as they sit on top of two girls who are on all for fours like chairs and watch more girls try to move tonnes of brick and cement to build a giant statue of a pair of Nunchucks around a giant rock carved into the shape of Chucks Head. Cut to a mock Karate competition where anything goes and the only winner can be Chuck Norris and the girls have to impress Chuck by not dying!
Weeknights from 7pm.
We open up on a shot of someone’s sweating face. Everything is dark except their face which is lit up by a computer screen. They are breathing heavily. There is low, pulsating synth music in the background being played by a cat smoking a cigarette which totally gets you pumped/nervous/aroused. A hand comes up to wipe the sweat from his face, then another hand, then a gorilla’s hand, then a spoon. Wipe, wipe, wipe. This is awesome. A cheeky little snyth snare starts stomping slowly in the background. Cut to a shot of someone climbing a ladder in Lithuania who shits himself hard, then cries out in pain. Back to the dark room and then to an 80s looking keyboard with a finger hovering over it. Full facial now and the screen freezes. The words “COREY FELDMAN as HACKERJACK” slams into the screen so hard your nipples spin around and around spraying milk all over the inside of your tshirt, I think. Unfreezeframe.
Voiceover begins: “I’m a hacker. A computer hacker. It’s what I do.”
The finger moves over the “enter” key, then the “caps lock” key, then a key that says “trazz”, then moves over to a picture of Arnold Swarchenneglers wrestling a gay lion, but doesn’t press anything. Cut back to the guy’s face. Sweat is dripping off him now. A bear’s paw comes on screen and wipes the sweat away with an oily rag. A ticking clock sound effect can be heard. “Dammit. What’s the password? I knew I should have listened when the beautiful mysterious Russian lady was telling me the password.”
FLASHBACK: Beautiful russian lady is in a bar eating a plate of eels. She looks at the camera and burps, then says “The password is…” then you hear a yawning sound and the camera turns around to reveal a horse playing the piano in a darkened corner of the bar. Hands appear on screen and start clapping.
Present day: “God dammit. Always had a thing for animals playing the piano. Back to business…”
Show the computer screen where the cursor is blinking on a USERNAME and PASSWORD box. Cut back to the keyboard and Hackerjack presses the letter H. As he does so the computer auto-fills the username (“Hackerjack”) and the password appears. “Bingo! Piece o’cake.” Hackerjack fist-pumps the air and says “YSSSSS!” pushes away from the computer desk and high fives a monkey wearing a baseball cap hard, then swivels round, still sliding along the floor on his wheely chair and bumps into a vending machine. He kicks it and a can of Pepsi flies out landing in his open fist. He looks at the camera, winks and says “I’m in.”
SLAM! Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N Roses starts playing so loud your dog shits all over itself, then you, and then tries to eat the shit. The title of the movie slams into the screen in jagged pink and orange letters. HACKERJACK. Fuck, this part is so awesome your knees starting headbutting each other.
There follows an 80s hacker montage: someone in a car driving really fast down a street hanging out of the window with a giant computer in his hand, trying to hack into national security. Cut to a guy chomping on a cigar who slams his fist down on a table and says “NOOOOO”. Next you see a whole row of 80s computers with nerds feverishly typing in front of them in a dark room. Suddenly a door slams open and a guy with no top on and huge muscles brandishing a flame thrower steps into the room. Camera zooms in on his face which says “Here is a firewall for you pencil necks” then he starts melting everybody’s face off with fire.
Camera freezes as his face is lit up. “STARRING ARNOLD SWARCHGENEGGLERS as MURGATROID D. WIZZENBANGER” spins around and slides onto the screen in a metallic font. Cut to a man in Times Square in New York spinning around holding his head saying “The password! The password! DAMMMIIITTTT!” Cut to a camel playing water polo, then to a robot wrestling another robot in an underground bear-knuckle fighting pit. Cut to a man in a penthouse office suite with his feet on his desk looking out over the view of the Manhatten skyline. He looks at a goat that he has tied to his desk and says “Some things in life just can’t be hacked.” Then he starts laughing but the camera zooms in on they goats eyes which glow red and swivel around, then cut to the goat’s mouth which opens to reveal circuit boards sparking. “STARRING PATRICK SWAYZE as GOATZORD” slides onto the screen from right to left in sparkling green letters. Random shots of a man firing a handgun at a cactus and screaming, somebody trying to eat a carpet, two guys smashing keyboards over a turtle’s back and a computer driving a speedboat with three hot chicks touching its joystick. “Coming to a cinema near you, summer 1985″ fades onto the screen, and a distorted power chord reverbs in your skull. Then you and a porcupine die.
Directed by
Gordon Chilltoad (Baby Got Backhair, Aggressive Monkey Claptrap Adventure Race 2)
with
Raymond Booksnot (Curling Iron Face)
Writing credits
Bruce Forsyth
Petunia Filterbronk
Graham “Flooterparp” Flooterparp II
Produced By
Mandron Hyperslumper (communicating through a hot dog bun)
Genre: Sports / Action / Love / Incest / Methematical problems / gulping (more)
Tagline: They ain’t got no medal in the olympics, but got gold medal in love (more)
Plot Outline: The British Olympic canoeing team is in a slump. But when a paperwork blunder means that a new olympic sport (498 metre projectile vomit hurdle mangling) is created, their spirits are rekindled. Together they set off for Mexico. But little do they realise that the judge for the new sport is actually a cockerspaniel named Gerald, the very cockerspaniel that the team coach left howling at the altar a decade before in a bizarre marriage ceremony in Yorkshire! Can Britain pull it together against America’s “Dream Team”? Will Edmund Pindlesnarb fall for his long lost love again? And what of Germany’s suspiciously muscly and mustachioed ladies synchronised swimming team? Only time, and the judges scorecards, will tell…
User Comments:
“I accidentally wandered into the theatre, then my gigantic ass got wedged in between the seats, so I had to watch it. It was pretty shit but there were a lot of nude scenes amd gross deaths which was awesom.” – PLayaHata
“It was cool the way the Americans were portrayed as hairless three-eyed fish-human hybrids, especially in the final aquatic battle scene. Very romantic.” – James Zinglebatch
“I busted out a nut during the credits already. ” Nutbuster 10,000
“Humna humna humna humna MEEEE shakka shakka woop woop faldrigarg grunna shitbox.”
“The lead actor’s resemblance to an industrial strength chicken-mincer is uncanny. And fucking HOT!”
“shit I just poked myself in the eye with a stick. fuck it really hurts. ow. can someone call an ambulance? not lying. shit there is stuff dribbling out of my eye now. wet stuff. ahhhh.”
User Rating: Apple/8 (1111222350 votes)
Cast overview:
Rupert Fizzerwozzer
Randolf Fandrahan
Eggbert Krilltops
Hyacinth Chumbawumba
Edmund Pindlesnarb
Monty “Gut-ripper” Gutripperz
Hammaha Sholdrake (with robotic nasal fixtures)
Lenny Kravitz
Zanzorya Vletyavitch (Russian Coach)
Jenny Krakkenbones
Bonecrusher McGee
James Mifflin
Helga Murgatroid
Arnold Swarchenegglers
Judge Falcon Matrix
Lord Steven Seagal
Elizabeth Croot
Lisa Tambourine-face
Half-digested purple, bloated turnip bobbing in the water during the swim-off
Yazz
Border Guard 5
Roberto Chiquito Ramirez de Kinchasa Mordecca
Moogra Dolalia, Ladyqueen of Mudflarb River
Latoyah Honeyweather Formaldehyde
Also Known As:
Olympic Shitspein (Germany)
Hooray for Us! (USA)
Les Olympiques Amorous Diaboliques (FRA)
Skalzobsky Ot Olympikgamz (RSA)
Orympic of Rafters (JPN)
MPAA: Rated 15 for sports-based sex innuendos, closeups of limbs that could be mistaken for giant penises, animal mating scenes and tragic deaths involving over-ripe vegetables.
Runtime: 9412 min / North Africa 7 hrs
Country: England, USA, Ancient Greece
Language: English, Kurdu, Bleating, Knock-knock, who’s there.
Trivia:
- The directors Chilltoad and Booksnot had a pathalogical hatred for women. This made things somewhat awkward between them and all female cast members except Hyacinth Chumbawumba who sported a full beard and wide shoulders.
- The British Board of Film Classification debated for six months over whether or not to include the vegetable sex scenes. Although no genitals were actually shown, the four hour fruit and vegetable orgy scene, where half peeled cucumbers would thrust into hollowed out watermelons, was ultimately considered to be morally wrong and therefore cut.
- Actor’s Trademark: Monty “Gut-ripper” Gutripperz ripping out his guts and then eating them.
- Director’s Trademark: Sporting events used as policitical platforms, and closeups of chicken, pork and leather being surrupticiously minced up and turned into hamburger meat then handed out to unsuspecting children while the chef rubs his oily hands in glee.
- The crowd in the Olympic stadium was made up of 99% real humans. The other 1% was an unidentified brown and pink sludge held together by thin rods of frozen hummus.
- The directors’ decision to have the final scene of the film overdubbed in a coarse form of Swedish and supply only Czech subtitles rubbed more than a few people the wrong way, including me, you, and the guy who you met at the supermarket last week with a moustache that made him look a little like Freddie Mercury if you squinted your eyes and tilted your head but who was a very nice chap nonetheless and under the right circumstances (dinner, a glass or two of wine, a spoonful of half-melted cheesecake) could have charmed the underpants right off your furry plums.
- Actor’s Trademark: Roberto Chiquito Ramirez de Kinchasa Mordecca projectile vomiting on the back-end of a buffalo while doing the Riverdance
- The directors habit of riding two horses at the same time (quote) “really pissed off Steven Seagal, who considered himself the only guy macho enough to tame two noble stallions.”
- Directors trademark: The camera spinning around and around, zooming in and out on a decomposing foot, while nausea-inducing violin music is played in reverse and a lizard can be heard coughing.
- Directors trademark: High-speed film clips of apes ironing clothes while flaming underpants fall gracefully to the floor, to the sound of an otter chewing a water-buffalo’s face off HARD.
- Actors trademark: Lisa Tambourine-face headbutting herself in the face.
- Actors trademark: Jenny Krakkenbones putting shoes on her hands, walking on her hands, and barking like a dog.
- Hyacinth Chumbawumba accidentally inhaled a sausage during the pole-vaulting championship scene, but managed to finish the scene in one take. The sausage was later airbrushed out in post-production, as was Chumbawumba’s beard and her third eye.
Goofs:
- Revealing mistakes: In the dolphin circumsicion scene, the dolphin’s nostril hairs can be seen dangling precariously from Judge Falcon Matrix’s jaunty bowler hat.
- Incorrectly regarded as goofs: In the pole-vaulting final round, Austrain powerhouse Marlon Von Trangleslit actually takes first, second and third place. Critics argue that this is physically impossible, but they forget the magical spell weaved by Edmun Pindersnarb during the seance scene that allowed multiple realities to manifest themselves in the weeping sores of an old man’s boobies, or anything.
- Continuity: In the opening scene, Fred Savage’s father is decapitated by a dustbin lid flying across the screen. Blood splashes against the entire cast and the camera zooms in on his gurgling corpse. However in the very next scene, at the Battle of the Bands in the High School, Savage’s father appears not only as himself but as the drummer for “Mounting Confusion” and the (female) singer of “Frustrated Period Glasshouse”
- Due to a mixup with the scripts, characters often perform each other’s lines instead of their own. This is most noticeable in the scenes where the character of the dinosaur talks about himself in the third person with an Austrian accent.
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