(Click play on the video, then ignore it and just listen as you read.)
The word “SNAZZ” slams into the screen for no reason at all.
Steven Seagal is riding a robotic horse along a futuristic beach in slow motion, wearing full-on American Indian regalia. At sunset. With a boner. He uses the boner to slap the horse in the face and keep it on track. Just as the sun’s rays dip behind the glittering ocean and the sky is plunged into deep crimson, Arnold Swarchenngrls swoops down from above on a hoverboard and rides alongside Seagal. Swarchenegger is wearing a green leotard and has a helmet made from reflective metal. His wang is like a veiny baseball bat that reaches down to his shins under his leotard. They look at each other, high five, nod, then turn their noses to the wind. Swarchenegger burps loudly. Vienna by Ultravox is getting you pumped hard.
There is a rumbling sound and then Jean Claude Van Damme, wearing nothing but a pair of protective goggles and a French flag tied around his waist, drills out from underground riding some kind of giant mechanical drill bit. He pops out of the ground in a shower of rubble and trundles along next to Seagal and Swharchemebers. They all look at each other, make the OK symbol, then keep going even faster.
Just when you thought this combo couldnt become any more awesome or powerful, and you are so pumped your willy is crying, a bearded man in a ripped white karate uniform flies in and high kicks a whale that just popped out of the sea at that instant – so hard the whale shits itself and snaps in half. It’s Chuck Norris. Then he spins around towards Swarchenegger, stopping a spin kick one molecule away from Swarchenegger’s granite chin. The camera zooms down to Norris’ crotch to reveal that, while he has nearly kicked Swarchenergger in the face, Arnie has a razor sharp trident pointed at his balls. They both laugh and nod, then high five, wink at the camera, make a thumbs up, then put their butts in the air and continue zooming into or away from the sunset.
The words BEACH WARRIORZ 2 get vomited onto the screen by a disembodied mouth. Then the camera zooms around the back end and all four warriors take off and fly up into the sky.
The screen goes black, then green, then the colour of the inside of your toenail and fades up to reveal the universe on fire. A tear rolls down a baby’s cheek (this was during the experimental 80s high art action film period) and then a montage starts in time with the music.
First shot is Arnie dangling a clown from a bridge, crying. He wipes a tear from his eye, waves goodbye to the clown, then looks at Seagal who nods and shoots the clown in the face with an elephant gun. Cut to JCVD in some kind of lunar expedition doing flying slow motion split kicks in his space suit while all the other astronauts stand around shaking their heads and crying. Some corn sways in a corn field, pan back to reveal Chuck Norris’ face in a cloud blowing the corn. He then shakes his head and zaps the corn with his eye-lasers, setting the entire field on fire. Cut to JCVD in a meatpacking factory in some kind of climactic battle with a cybernetic lizard / fork lift truck hybrid.
UNFINISHED!
Recent Comments